Easter Egg Hunts Are Turning Into A Cesspool Of Horrible Parents And Sad Toddlers

Easter Egg Hunts Are Turning Into A Cesspool Of Horrible Parents And Sad Toddlers

Image via Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images for Maserati

Adults are ruining Easter egg hunts

Easter egg hunts are supposed to be the epitome of a wholesome family activity: there are bunnies and chocolate and lots of pastel colors… everything that should be calm and not the least bit dangerous. Unfortunately, they have turned into gatherings where insane parents shove small children to the ground and babies are left in tears clutching broken baskets. They are shit shows and I will never ever take my children to one.

My nine-year-old twins have never been to a public Easter egg hunt and they never will for two very good reasons. First of all, I am a rule follower: I like people to wait their turn, do what they’re supposed to do, and make sure things are fair for others. None of those things happened at an event that was canceled last year at the Pez factory in Connecticut, where parents rushed the field set aside for kids four and under before the event officially started and then moved on to the other two fields meant for other age groups. “Children as young as four were pushed aside by parents eager to grab as many of the 9,000 eggs hidden in three fields [as they could],” wrote CNN. One of Pez’s managers described the parents as “locusts.”

That is exactly the kind of situation that would give me a rage aneurysm. Because it’s the parents who are misbehaving, not the three-year-olds. No, the three-year-olds are the ones getting shoved to the ground because Hailey’s mom thinks it’s more important that her daughter gets a freaking plastic Easter egg than it is to set a good example and not behave like a fucking animal.

(Sorry…rules…I love them…so much….)

The second reason I’ve never taken my kids to an Easter egg hunt is that people are nuts. This is, you’ll notice, closely related to the first reason. Case in point: a woman who attended an Easter egg hunt in Oregon just a few weeks ago is now suing the company that hosted it for $112,411 because she was injured during the event. At the start of the hunt for children ages four and under, which is apparently the most deadly part of an Easter egg hunt, Rachel Townsend claims older children and parents stormed the field, and she was “pushed from behind and fell to the ground” causing her to tear the meniscus in her knee. She is suing to cover the cost of surgery and lost wages and blames the company for allowing the hunt to become overcrowded with unregistered attendees and for holding it on “a sloped and uneven surface.”

Part of me can’t blame her for being pissed, and that’s the part that believes in waiting your turn and enjoys having an untorn meniscus. On the other hand, when we’re at the point where we’re suing Easter egg hunts for over $100,000, maybe we all need to take a step back and cool our collective jets for a second.

It is ridiculous that adults are unable to behave at events meant for children. What’s the worst case scenario, here — your kid doesn’t get an egg? Well, shit. That’s super disappointing. Let’s go do something else special to make up for it. Or let’s hide some eggs in our own backyard so our kid can still have the fun of finding them. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we want it to, and sometimes other people behave badly and ruin an experience for everyone else. If anything, it’s a great way to show your kids why we don’t cheat and why we should care about other people’s feelings — because when you’re the one on the other side of it, it hurts. A lot.

Also, please grow up, folks. These egg hunts are for your kids, not you. Stay off the dang field and make sure your kids follow the rules. Don’t be a dick. It’s Easter.