Even though Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, looks radiant just hours post-delivery, we all need to remember that she is being subjected to the same horrors that most moms endure after giving birth.
No matter how pampered a lady is in life, there are simply some things that a team of eager assistants cannot do FOR you:
1. Pee in the Hat. Shortly after squeezing a watermelon-sized human, we as mothers are forced to pee in a plastic contraption that hangs onto the toilet seat rim, all while a stranger stares at you. It burns like a thousand suns and is much more strenuous than you’d think. I felt like I deserved an trophy afterward, or at least a cheeseburger. Kate probably had to pee into a hat while a team of beauty experts styled her hair and applied makeup. It’s pretty hard to allow someone else to apply mascara for you when you’re crying because your nether regions feel like they’re being dipped in acid.
2. The First Postpartum Poop. Great SCOTT! Just typing that gave me flashbacks that would rival Apocalypse Now. It doesn’t matter how much stool softener and pain medicine you take, it’s still going to hurt like hell. I don’t care how wealthy, powerful or amazingly beautiful you are, no one else can poop FOR you. Kate will still be writhing in agony and cursing Prince William while she suffers through this, just as I did my husband during my after-delivery potty sessions.
3. The Tidal Wave of Doom. It doesn’t matter WHO you are, postpartum mamas are forced to make up for nearly a year’s worth of menstrual periods all at once. Although it’s perfectly normal, It feels like A horror movie is being filmed in your pants. Coupled with the evil cramps of a downsizing uterus, Kate is likely smiling through the hell going on under her beautiful dress.
4. Wear the Mesh Panties. I’ve never been so horrified yet relieved to wear a piece of clothing in my life. These strange garments hold the Texas-sized pads that the Tidal Wave of Doom makes necessary, and are soft against your mangled body. They also breathe well, which is fantastic, because the last thing you want mixing with the chaos below is sweat. I was actually scared to go back to normal panties when I ran out of the mesh ones at home, because I knew they would treat me kindly. Kate could have cashmere-waisted mesh panties, but I’d bet you a glass of scotch she’s wearing them as she stands on the hospital doorstep waving.
5. Suffer Breast Engorgement and Spraying. I remember being shocked when my pregnancy-induced boobs got even bigger after delivery, and I was terrified when they became hard, thinking they would explode. Although beautiful Kate may have people bringing her the royal breastpump and lavender-scented nipple cream, dealing with the hell of rock-hard, swollen boobies is all on her. Yes, she’s fortunate to have medical staff on hand to help her with any physical issues, she can’t thwart them completely. All while people are creeping around from every angle trying to snap a picture.
Its can be said that the Duchess endures the same rites of passage (or rites of passing a baby), at least she gets to do it while looking like a goddess. Smiling through the pain and exhaustion for pictures, all of us, both common and Royal know it’s worth it.
And both of us still get hemorrhoids.
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