Christmas is right around the corner. Along with all the holiday cheer comes all of the holiday chaos for moms. If I have to wrap one more Barbie doll, I might lose it.
Tell me: What present do I get in return for all of my hard work? A bowl that is supposed to look like an elephant that my kids made at school, but it really just looks like a lump of clay? Don’t get me wrong here — I love the things that my kids make for me. But this Christmas, I don’t want any more homemade gifts or new earrings. Here is what my Christmas list is this year:
1. A Body That Doesn’t Ache or Hurt All of the Time
I would like legs that don’t ache from being on my feet all day. Maybe a back that doesn’t feel broken from picking up a kid 745 times a day. And I might as well throw in arms that don’t hurt from dragging a child out of the toy aisle in a store for the 515th time because they are throwing a fit over a tiny toy that I won’t buy!
2. A Waist
I’d like my waist to come back, please, since it disappeared during pregnancy and is apparently too afraid to return.
3. To Have Just One Car Ride Without Hearing the Frozen Soundtrack on Repeat
I would like to sit in my car and listen to any music except kid music for once. Let it go already, Elsa!
4. Windows and Mirrors That Are Fingerprint-Resistant
For once, I would like to stand in my kitchen and glance out my window and not see fingerprints all over it. Also, I would like to add that they should be food resistant too so that when a baby throws their smushed peas across the room, they don’t get plastered to the window. I swear that my kid can throw better than I can.
5. A Phone Conversation in Peace
I would like to have a phone conversation for more than 10 minutes without having to referee a WWE match in my living room or hide in the laundry room for some quiet. Is that really too much to ask for?!
6. A Gym Membership
I would love a gym membership. While I am at it, I would also love some time to use said gym membership and a body that is not too tired to actually go to the gym. After all, it would be nice to wear all these gym clothes that I have to actually go to the gym instead of having them be my everyday wardrobe.
7. Kids Who Actually Like Each Other
My kids never get along. I don’t know if it is a twin thing or a sibling thing, but they literally could and would fight over a blade of grass. Someone should warn you when you have a second child that your new job title will also be full-time referee. Yup, this lasted exactly two minutes:
8. A Year’s Supply of Good Chocolate
That I could have all to myself and not have to share with anyone (husband included.) I would also like to eat it without hiding in the pantry.
9. Children Who Actually Listen to Me More Than the Dog Does
My children have totally tuned out my voice. I could probably scream that the house is on fire, and they still wouldn’t hear me. At this point, the only one who actually listens to me is the dog. I guess I should take what I can get.
10. Clothes That Are Not Covered in Poop, Spit Up, or Baby Food Stains
For once, I would like to get dressed in the morning without having to inspect my clothes for foreign stains.
11. To Eat a Hot Dinner
By the time I serve and cut up everyone’s food, I might as well be eating a frozen dinner. And why do my kids always think the food on my plate tastes better? Eat your own, kid.
12. For Ketchup to Be Considered a Vegetable
I really am so darn tired of saying eat your vegetables. Let’s just declare ketchup a vegetable and call it a day already! It would clear my conscience tremendously.
13. For Yoga Pants to Be Deemed “Business Casual!”
This would just make my life sooo much easier. And far more comfortable.
14. To Watch a Non-Kid TV Show During the Day
I would love to watch something other than the Disney channel during the day, so I can actually watch the whole thing without falling asleep in the middle.
15. To Drink Hot Coffee
Is it really too much to ask to drink my coffee hot? And I mean the first time, not after it is microwaved three times.
16. A 10-Minute Uninterrupted Shower!
I want a 10-minute shower where nobody fights or calls my name. Where I don’t have to choose whether to shave my pits or wash my hair.
17. For Scientists to Prove That French Fries Are the Most Important Food Group
I could really be a mommy rock star if this actually happened.
18. One Picture Where Everyone Is Looking and Smiling the First Time and Is Not Blurry
First try, nope!
Second try, no again!
Third try, I’ll take it I guess!
19. Gift Cards to My Favorite Stores
I want lots of gift cards to my favorite stores. Also, I want a day to go shopping without my kids in tow to rip all of the clothes off the racks and kill each other in the double shopping cart.
20. I Want a Date Night With My Husband
Parent-teacher nights don’t count as a date either. I want to go to a restaurant for dinner that doesn’t have crayons or kids’ menus. I want to have adult conversation that is not interrupted every 2 seconds. I want to have a spilled drink-free meal that I get to eat hot. I’m not asking for much here, people!
21. Musical Instruments That Always Sound Beautiful
I would like for someone to please invent musical instruments that don’t make the dog bark and my ears bleed when my kids practice, please. Someone get on that. Or just never, ever gift my kids with these items again.
Being a mom is the most rewarding thing in my life. I live and breathe for my kids, but there is nothing wrong wanting some alone time to pamper ourselves. Hopefully the people in our lives are taking notes.