Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
As a kid, I went to a YMCA day camp on the north shore of Boston that was located on an island. Every morning, the campers took a boat from the dock to camp and every afternoon, we returned by boat to our awaiting parents. It was one of those things that was far better in theory than actuality, as the camp was pretty poorly run and kind of a dump. Well it was every day, except for the visiting days when the parents got to see it and remind us 57,932 times just how lucky we were to go to camp there. Which we were… in theory.
The highlight of that camp were the days that were too rainy to take a boat out so they were spent at the Y, watching movies, listening to tapes and making macramé bracelets. That was the kind of summer camp I could get on board with. No swimming, no races, no dodge ball, no poison ivy… sign me up!
One of those days, in between braiding hair and licking orange cheese puff cheese off of our fingers, we listened to the Free to Be You and Me soundtrack to pass the time. There, on the floor of the community room listening to Marlo Thomas belt out Parents Are People, my life forever changed. “Parents are people,” she sang. “People with children. When parents were little they used to be small, like some of you. And then they grew.” Hold the (corded) phone, I remember thinking. My parents are people? My parents, the folks whom I sincerely thought were put on this earth for no reason other than to produce my brother and I, were… people? People?!
It was an epiphany of earth shattering proportions.
Until that moment, I thought of my parents solely as my mother and father and it simply never dawned on me that they had a life or existence outside of my brother and me. I mean, I suppose I was aware that they grew up in different places and met in school and eventually got married and had us, but I never spent any time reflecting on what that meant. To me, they were just my parents who knew everything and made only the wisest choices. For me.
I don’t ever recall seeing my mom flustered or overwhelmed. I can count on one hand the number of times I heard my father really yell and the single time I heard my mom utter the word “fuck” is forever burned in my brain. They could shoot a single look, which would snap my brother and I into instant obedience—one that I would pay a million dollars to possess now, as a parent. Back then, my mom and dad had all of the answers to every question I asked, and guiding us just seemed effortless.
As an adult, I know that my parents didn’t have all the answers or do everything the right way, but they did fake it really well. Or, at least well enough to fool me as a child. I never once questioned that they knew what they were doing or had any doubts themselves. Maybe that’s the key to parenthood: Pretend you know what the hell you’re doing until your kids know better than to believe it.
Unlike me, my children will never have the luxury of thinking that I’m anything other than a completely flawed human being. I raise my voice more often than I’d like to admit and my kids don’t flinch when they hear a curse word pass my lips because it’s simply not all that rare of an occurrence. They’ve seen me cry out of frustration and witnessed me slam the door in an effort to scare them into listening to me. They’ve seen me stressed out and sad and confused and angry. They’ve heard me answer with an “I don’t know” when I truly just don’t. For better or worse, they know me exactly for who I am: Just a person, who is lucky enough to be their mother, and who loves them more than anything.
Some days, I think that’s all they really need to know.
{ 99 comments… read them below or add one }
Loved this post. Beautiful and introspective and holiday-perfect.
Well, except for the fact that I was TOTALLY fired up to send Big Brother (who just turned 7) to camp on Children’s next year and now you have me thinking it’s going to be a dump.
Cindy S recently posted..Friday Fragments (Perspective)
My son is only 2 and I’m already terrible at faking it. I guess he’ll just have to see and know me as, well, me. :)
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Tasty Thursday: Lemony Cookies
Same here! My little guy has already seen at least one meltdown not of his own. But he still seems to love me…or at least he’s good at faking it. ;-)
I can’t do it, and I also say “I don’t know” when I actually don’t know. I hated that my dad would claim to know everything, which actually messed me up something fierce. lol I’d rather my kids know that you don’t have all the answers as an adult.
I don’t manage to fake it often, but when I do, I deserve an Oscar made out of chocolate.
My parents were cut from the same cloth as yours. They seemed to keep me in line with minimal effort. I still to this day have never seen them even disagree in front of me. It wasn’t until I was 14 and asked to prom that I drove my mother to tears (and that was a brief and singular outburst).
And I flunked all of these things by the time my kid was one. How did they possess such control, both over their emotions and over us? Is it our whole generation that is lacking in their ability to fake it and keep their cool at all costs?
You are certainly not alone. Maybe they should offer parents acting lessons in Lamaze classes?
Vinobaby recently posted..A Gabberflasted Santa
Thank you for this.
Aimee recently posted..Marathon Training Week 21
Aww…this is great.
It was several years after I had “grown up” that I realized my parents were real people, too.
Like so many others, I juggle one bill to pay another, I rob Peter to pay Paul and well, I just do what I have to do to make ends meet. And fortunately for me, they always meet.
However, I’m not responsible for 3 girls. And my own business. And 4 car notes. And a mortgage. And on and on and on.
So having all that…I’m sure mom and dad had to do some juggling and robbing, too. Us girls just never saw it. All we saw were two people who gave us everything they could.
With no 401(k) and with no big, fat inheritance from a long, lost relative. I don’t know how they did it…but they did.
Carrie recently posted..Hey, come on in and don’t pay any mind that naked man.
This is very sweet and so true! My children like for me to tell them stories about what my husband and I used to do before they were born, like travel and oh, have more than five cents in our pockets. They are amazed that we are people with feelings and USED to have a life! But they also know that we still came out ahead in the trade-off. :-)
Rebeccah recently posted..Gonna Make My Green Eyes Blue
It’s amazing that so many of us can pinpoint the time of realization that our parents are people. My parents divorced early. It was then that I knew they were separate beings with actual lives and thoughts and everything wasn’t about me. Before then, yeah, I hadn’t thought much to them being them before I existed.
My kids have definitely been told and have seen that we exist outside of them, that we still occasionally go out, get flustered, don’t know it all, burn the chicken, start browning the meat for spaghetti w/out actually checking that we have the damn pasta. I wish I could have prolonged their realizing I don’t know it all. But once they hit 4th grade and asked for help with the maths, the jig was up.
Arnebya recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: What’s Changed?
I think the sooner we all realize our parents don’t have all the answers the better off we can be. I was 12 and went so far as to move in with my grandparents who seemed to have them all. For me it was the best choice at the time, but I think looking back that it hurt my mother terribly. She hid her pain well though. We never knew. At least not until we were older. I try to be honest with them, much like your style, and I hope that they see that as a wonderful thing, not a flaw. Shelter and protect, but never hide who you are. Thank you for the post, it lets me know that I’m not as alone as I sometimes feel.
Megan recently posted..What is happening to America?
Interesting! So… what do you think your parents would say? Is it possible that children because of their very nature feel the same as you did as a child, and will remember their experience with you the same way you remember your own relationship with their parents? Could it be that the fundamental differences between your parenting and theirs are smaller than you believe?
God, I hope so! Because your daily doubts sound a lot like mine.
Julia’s Child / Sarah P. recently posted..Children’s Menu from Hell
This is great. I’m a huge flawed mess for my kids too…raise my voice and respond with “I don’t know.” All of the time!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Holiday Decadence Made Simple
Thank God I’m not the only one.
GREAT post. It’s weird how perfect parents seemed and what a hot mess I appear to be. Will my kid know? Maybe, maybe not.
It always feels like everyone is great at faking it and I stick out like a sore thumb with a big “Parenting Don’t” stamped on my forehead, but maybe more people feel like me than I think…
Mrs Dzo recently posted..It’s Not Easy for Anyone
“They could shoot a single look, which would snap my brother and I into instant obedience—one that I would pay a million dollars to possess now, as a parent.” Oh how i love this! and remember the “look” my father would throw – it would probably still scare me… lmfao!
I don’t remember my mom getting upset that often. In fact, I remember her as perfect, which is upsetting to me when I feel like I mess up so much as a parent. Now I realize that she went through the worst time of her life while raising four young children. Her dying mother (my grandma) was living with us and had a 6-year battle with cancer. The only thing I remember was seeing tears on my mom’s face one time when she was vacuuming. But that was it. Her mother died of breast cancer and that was all I saw.
I know I hold myself to way too high of standards. We’re human. We break down. I think it’s good for our kids to see some emotion. They need to know that this parenting thing is hard work.
molly recently posted..Our elf is inappropriate too
I can really relate to this post. You voiced it so well! I didn’t know my parents were flawed people, too, until I was an adult and knew better. And yes…my kids too have seen me at my worst…but I think that’s ok. I’m not perfect, and I hope they don’t want me to be. Great post!!
Crystal recently posted..Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!
Oh my goodness! I just bought the Free To Be You And Me vinyl and totally had a flash back!
WE ARE SOO OLD!! My kids were very unimpressed!
And this is exactly why I named my blog what I did. I have no idea how my mom did all she did, but I know that I can never make it look that easy. My daughter has even said, “being a mom is hard isn’t it.” So I may not look perfect, but at least I look real.
And the cussing? Every time I say ass one of the kids will look at me and say, “Mom… you know ass is a bad word. You really should stop saying it.”
Jennifer recently posted..Seven years a mom
I absolutely remember having an Oprah “aha moment” when my daughter was a baby and I realized the biggest part of being a parent is just GUESSING. Guessing what your child needs. Guessing what the right thing to do is. As a child you assume your parents just KNOW exactly what they’re doing… but now I know they were only guessing. And probably still are.
You just enlightened me to the fact that my children truly know me, the person, not just the “mom”. when they were little pretending I was without flaws was easier and really didn’t matter that much during the completely egoccentric phases of childhood they were experiencing. Now that are are older and are able to relate to adulthood in many ways I realize how valuable it is for them to learn that other adults and their parents are not perfect, we are works in progress, just like our children are . We learn to respect eachother and co-mingle in the same space and learn from eachother, Just like they will do someday with their own children and every other person they will encounter in life. very valuable, I think.
My dad used to shoot us “the look” and we’d know to calm the eff down or else. I can yell at my son until I’m blue in the face (of course I don’t ever do this) and he doesn’t even flinch. I asked my dad what I’m doing wrong and he said, “he just does’t listen.” Dang. That was enlightening.
Eve recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Early Morning Jammie Playing
My mother had 6 kids and divorced…She cursed and got frustrated plenty of times but still maintained her cool…If I got the “look” to tell me to shut the fuck up, I DID…as did my siblings. I lose it with my kids..my 5 yr old has no fear but to ask me AGAIN even after the “look”, the calm talk, the yell, and eventually the slamming of the door. WHY??? I question my parenting all the time but I do see that kids are different with their parents these days. Is it that we’re all terrible at faking it?
Being real is a gift we give to our children when we are real enough to tell them when we screw up and apologize. One of the hardest things to do…but one of the lessons they (and we) most need to learn.
Can you ask your parents how they were able to commend obedience from a single look? Better yet, they should market that technique. They’ll be rich!
This spoke to me in more ways than I can count. I feel the same way–and it’s awesome that we are real. I have my flaws and thank God there are moms like me out there.
Chelle recently posted..Life Glances
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Now that I’ve owned the fact that I’m faking it 95% of the time, people’s expectations of me are lowered, and I’m okay with that.
OneHonestMom recently posted..Why honesty?
Oh I totally fake it but that doesn’t mean they don’t see my flaws. They just don’t see ALL of them ALL the time. It’s quite a gig, this parenting thing.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Why I Won’t Be Doing My Christmas Shopping in Park Slope.
so true, and so honest..so…me.
Oh boy, you just like me!!! I wish I had “the look” too. I would do a lot less cussing and yelling! LOL
I LOVE reading your blog. And you are right. I too never saw my parents as people when I was younger. And now, like you, am not as perfect as they seemed to be. With all the new or not new parenting styles….i constantly think I am a bad parent because I sometimes yell and curse or slam doors. So many women(online) make themselves out to be “perfect parents” that I feel guilty for my behavior. But you show your true colors and I appreciate the honesty. Nice to know there are other mothers out there that are just human. :) Keep blogging good!!
Megan recently posted..Bubbles…..
My son recently confessed that I have a glare that scares him. I had to bite my lip and fight not to get up and dance. I have been working on trying to acquire my dad’s glare for 42 years now.
Now if I can get his little sister to share that concern I will truly be excited.
I know what you mean about how it seemed like our parents always knew what to do. I suspect that one day our kids will say that about us.
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..Santa Claus Doesn’t Eat Children
Oh my heart Jill.
Yes, this. Exactly this.
{I wouldn’t have it any other way!}
xo
Galit Breen recently posted..What Do Jewish Kids Think When They See Santa?
Bravo! I am raising my kids the same way… they see all my flaws and limitations, but they love me anyway. It also makes them feel like we’re all in this together. My parents always seemed like they had it all together but I really think that led us into a false sense that being a grown-up was better than being a kid. I try to make my kids see that being a kid can be fun and being an adult is sometimes NOT fun at all.
Carolyn (temysmom) recently posted..Home For The Holidays – With T-Mobile
My parents did the same, or at least my dad did. One look was enough to make us straighten up. I have not however managed to conjure up that power. My 2.5 year old definitely has witnesses my weaknesses. But I hope it will some how help her to grow strong and independent. That’s all we can hope for isn’t it? Great post ;-)
Anna-Leigh McClelland recently posted..Just Because I Love It
Perfectly expressed. I went to a dump of a camp too. I have fond memories and I love to tease my mom about how bad the supervision was and how I barely survived.
anymommy recently posted..When you wish upon a star
Thank you for posting this…I’m *not* the only one! I’m a divorced Mom w/two wonderful kids (daughter, 12; son, 9) and they get to see the “real” me pretty often. I want them to feel safe and guided, and I think they really do…but I think it’s good for them to see that it’s not easy all the time, that parenting isn’t something “magical” that gives us all the answers, even when we try to keep on a brave face. They’re learning to be more empathetic and considerate…plus, they’re just amazing kids to begin with :-) On a funny side note, I grew up in Swampscott and went to that same YMCA summer camp! Small world ;)
Yay for real moms! Yay for scary moms! Yay for your post making us all feel a little less stressed about it all!
I felt really guilty about fighting with my husband in front of my 18 month year old, especially as they are almost always born out of sleep deprivation, but we always work it out and make sure that no one leaves mad. Then a friend pointed out that at least we’re being real about our emotions and also teaching our little guy how to work through conflict. We’re also teaching him that when someone gets angry or frustrated or loses their temper that it isn’t the end of the world or the end of the relationship, but that they do have to take responsibility for it.
I grew up with a mom that faked it so well that I shivered in her shadow for years until I realized…perfect isn’t what my kids need. They need me. The Real Me.The one who makes mistakes and admits it, the one who apologizes when she’s wrong and tells them when she’s frustrated. They need to see how I clean up my messes when I make mistakes and how to fall flat on your face – and more importantly – how to get back up again.
Loves this – here’s to the Real Mom!
I’m fairly certain I saw the REAL people my parents were/are, not just in control parental units. For better or for worse, and sometimes it was worse. But I never for one minute doubted their love for me. No matter what, I knew I was loved. And I hope that is what I’m showing my children.
Just Jennifer recently posted..Winner, winner, chocolate…..dinner?
This is completely true in our life as well. Wow. So true. My mother continue to be the epitome of motherhood and I feel like my kids already know that is not the case with me…
Rebecca Royce recently posted..Open Calls
I refuse to fake it. I have this overwhelming urge to have my kids know that nobody is perfect and it’s ok if they aren’t either. I make mistakes and when I do, I admit to them. I’m hoping it will teach them how to take responsibility for their actions…so far, not so much.
Your posts always hit the nail on the head! Just had this discussion in the bathroom while getting al 5 us ready brushing our teeth and fake showering trying to look good…..althewhile we have no water because our well went dry. We fake looking clean until we can get our well fixed. lf you don’t laugh you’ll cry somedays. fake it to make it, baby.
Thank you for this!!
Hell Yea! I loved this post. Like you, my kids see me for the human that I am. When I let them. lol.
Love, love, love this post! I feel as though I’m reading the story of my life.
I think you’re actually doing your kids a service by helping them to understand that you’re human. I think that in seeing you deal with anger and frustration, it will help them learn about those feelings, and how *they* can grow and deal with them. :-)
Venus recently posted..Word(x) Wednesdays: Dessert Picnic
So amazingly true! I think it’s great that your kids know you for who you are – flawed and all. Because I think it teaches them that we can all be flawed but still be good people, recover from mistakes and make better choices. Like the song says, parents are people and I think kids need to know that. I try and use my own screw-ups to model how someone can apologize, feel bad for something and do better next time. Besides, trying to be perfect would just be too damn exhausting.
Kim recently posted..Multi Strand Bracelet, Mixed Metal, Antique Brass, Silver, Antique Silver, Rocker, Edgy
Ummm…yes! Everyday! The only thing I am not faking is my love and dedication to them. Everything else…a complete sham ;-)
Kristen recently posted..Holiday Magic…
I hate those days when I have to fake, but sometimes you can’t avoid to fake! I never fake my friends and family, for me it is the worst thing on the world, being fake to the closest!
If I were sitting next to you now Jill I would clink our coffee cups in agreement. Wow that was a good post.
Tracy Larson recently posted..How do I survive the holidays with family? I am hosting a holiday dinner with family. Some members of my family let’s just say are not fun to be around. It’s stressful! Any tips on how to survive a holiday dinner with family?
Perhaps all mothers think they are doing a shit job and all kids think their mothers infallible. How many nights did your mom go to bed at night wondering if she’d gotten it right? We are all just holding our breath.
And way to go, Marlo Thomas, for ruining the surprise. I suppose her follow up to that song was “P.S. Santa’s Lactose Intolerant”
Erin recently posted..Putting my foot down…unless it makes you mad, in which case, nevermind.
Could it be because parents these days are guessing less? I read more parenting books than any of the other books combined which made me more knowledgeable. So i get flustered and frustrated and overwhelmed when I can’t do what I’m suppose to do as a parent. i know that i can’t put my kids on TV for more than 2 hours, i know not to give them everything that they want and i know how important interaction is in brain development. These knowledge that i got from reading books taught me what a parent should be. Then i get tired and stressed bec i spent all day giving them the attention that they need and the dishes are not gettong washed, laundry is piling up, mail left unchecked.
My mom however didn’t read a single book, so she wasn’t stressing out even if we’re eating bad food or watching tv all day.
AMEN! I was THAT mom this morning in a parking lot when my 4 year old wanted water….but when I handed him the water it was all wrong because HE Wanted to get it himself….so he threw a huge fit and and I picked him up like a football and took him into the store. I looked around and saw people in their cars staring at me….I can ONLY imagine what was going through their heads….There was yelling involved and possibly a cuss word or two when we got back in the car….
But then again…I remember watching my mom make dumb parenting mistakes but I loved her all the same…and she was perfect to/for me. I remember hearing my friends parents comment about my young single mom and I even had friends that were not allowed to spend the night at my house….I never understood that…she was loving, warm, provided for me even though she struggled like crazy. Maybe it’s just that we look at our parents through “rose colored glasses” because that is how we want to see them!
Melissa recently posted..Smashed Potatoes! Yum
The other day I lost it in front of my daughter. I immediately tried to hold in the tears, but decided better. My daughter will also know that I’m flawed, and I hope she has the courage to be imperfect too. Bravo on your post!
Suz recently posted..Help a Girl Out
Yet despite all that you show them do you ever wonder whether your kids version will be different? That’s what I’m curious about. Even if we show them our flaws will their little developing brains put us on a pedestal of their own making ’cause that’s just the way things are supposed to be? I guess I’ll have to wait another ten to fifteen years before I get an answer!
Johanna recently posted..My Pretend Zen
Growing up I always had so much respect for my very imperfect mother who disciplined not with yelling and strict rules but with guilt and killer phrases like ‘i’m so disappointed in you’ and ‘i thought you where smarter then that.’ I may not have been the perfect child but the fear of letting my mother down always kept me from doing anything really stupid or dangerous. I always appreciated the fact she would talk to me like an equal. I could tell her anything and she didn’t dodge the tough subjects. My mother, a simple housewife is one of the wisest people I know and she has taught me so much about life, parenting and how to be a good person.
On the other hand I still have a love/ hate relationship with my very strict, very perfect farther. I appreciate everything he’s done for me and I’m grateful he was such a good, hard working man but we will never be close the way my mum and I are.
My daughter knows I’m not perfect and I have tried to instill in her that we are a team and we need to help each other out and work together. Some days are better then others and I never quite feel like I’m getting it totally right but I don’t know how to be any other kind of mother then one I am.
“Some days are better then others and I never quite feel like I’m getting it totally right but I don’t know how to be any other kind of mother then one I am.”
Wow. That bought tears to my eyes. Thanks for giving words to my feelings.
Kristin recently posted..Moving to Cancun E-mail Number 19 – Legal again!
I think that it is better for them to know you as a human and not a life-form put on this earth to ruin their lives. I’m a teacher and see the same shock that you talked about, when my students see me at the store or on a walk. They can not believe that I exist outside of the classroom!
Cassie recently posted..An Opportunity to Educate
…I’m not alone!
Last night after tucking the kids into bed, I sat down to just breathe; I started thinking about my Mom (she passed away two years ago from a long battle with Ovarian Cancer) and for the life of me could not remember a time when she didn’t make juggling a job, husband and three kids seem easy…bone tired I whispered, “How did you do it, Mom?” The timing of this post is perfect!
I thought very similarly as you mentioned here, but just the other day my kid said something to me that leads me to believe that maybe just maybe I’m fooling ‘em…as we were leaving Santa Claus my oldest pulls me near and whispers, “Mom, make sure Santa gets it right!” lol
Amy recently posted..I heart faces: On your feet
I think Childrens Island is magical. We are hoping in a year or two Lily will want to stay with us and go there herself! On the other hand Ethan viewed it as Alcatraz and has a photo of himself giving the island the finger from Fort Sewall [but that was when he did the sailing camp with a seasick partner]. Did you get sick on the ferry? just remembering how you get motion sickness.
And about you. I am always amazed how you don’t lose it when the kids have tantrums. you have more patience than you acknowledge.
I seem to recall “fake it until you make it” as part of our adoption education – esp. when adopting children older than infants. Great photos by the way of you and the kids!
viridian61 recently posted..Oh no, a mistake!
Thank you and Amen.
I was just complaining to my mom about all of the blogs where the authors claim near perfection all of the time. They make me want to punch the computer screen. My dishes are dirty, I yell, and there are nights when supper = popcorn, apples, and a glass of milk… But I adore my kids, love them to pieces, and really do try my best!
You are so honest, and your blog is always refreshing and real. Thank you again!
Jenny recently posted..Nativity
Yes.
“…and witnessed me slam the door in an effort to scare them into listening to me.”
Thank you for saying this, because having them witness this kind of behavior from me is my greatest source of shame. It’s nice to hear others admit to it.
Aimee recently posted..Counting Homes: Part II
You are lovely and amazing. I fake the knowledge part, but cussing…eh. Why bother.
No Drama Mama recently posted..When Parents Are Sick
I am so down with this. I suspect my 3yr old is under no illusions that I’m perfect. We’re honest with him about feelings, in a childlike way, so that he can learn to understand. But I do utter the ‘because I said so’ defense here and there ;) He’ll learn to live with it. And then, like you, he’ll see us for what we really are once he, hopefully, has his own family. Until then we’ll flub our way through.
Tracy recently posted..OMG! News Flash!
Wow, my sister and I were just talking about Free to Be, You and Me, reminding our mom how she’d bought it (as a record) for Christmas one year. Mostly, I remember a song about why I should love myself most. I’ll have to dig up a recording and listen for the parents are people one. I do remember the moment that truth hit me though: I am ashamed to say I was in college!
Sadly, I have spent the past 2 years not faking it very well and recently have been feeling like I’m phoning it in . Although, I guess when the alternative is that I pretend I have no feelings about what we have been through, I think it’s much healthier for my kids to just know I’m human.
Great insightful post, Jill.
Debi9kids recently posted..phoning it in
Reading entries like this makes me feel SO much better. You’re good therapy, Jill. ;)
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Review of Purple Leaves, Red Cherries
Aww. I think it’s good that our kids know we aren’t perfect. That way, they know they can grow up and function even if they don’t have all the answers. :)
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..I don’t think this is big enough
Oh wow. You just described many of my summers. The Y, then boys and girls club. We were lucky to go there was always my mothers response to me whenever I stated that I was old enough to just stay home alone. I’m hoping that our children will have a better sense of who we are due to our openness , or we should just start saving for the eventual psychiatric bills. PS. My mom bought us the stop fighting album, yeah, didn’t work very well.
I always thought my parents knew everything, that they were perfect. I never saw them fight, or cry or curse. And, they had high expectations of me too…I felt I had to be perfect. That’s a lot to live up to for a kid. And I never really learned to fight or express emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes I wish I had seen more of their flaws as a young child…though they did rear their ugly head during puberty/menopause between my mom and me. Some of that I wish I could un-see/do.
Meebs is definitely going to see my flaws, and already has. I think honesty is pivotal in parenting, even if it means saying, “I don’t know” or yes, mommy cries and gets angry. Thanks for the post; it really hits home!
MeebsMom recently posted..I’m Dreaming of a Green Christmas
Could these pictures and this post be any more dear? Answer: no. Hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday -
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..Holiday Works in Progress
Absolutely. Having children has convinced me that none of us know what the hell we are doing.
You manage to give us all permission to be ourselves and encourage us to be our best selves, all at once. Thank you.
My parents were much the same, but looking back, they really didn’t have the faintest clue what they were doing, and I grew up thinking that one day I would magically just *know* what to do & how to do it. Even though I understand intellectually that it isn’t going to happen that way, a tiny part of me will always be waiting. I think we are doing our kids a great service by letting them know from the get-go that we are all making it up as we go along!
Hi Jill,
A wonderful read indeed. I personally believe it to be important for our kids to ‘see’ that we’re real, raw and flawed. I’m okay with my girls knowing that I simply don’t have all the answers and that I may have to shrug my shoulders up and potentially look like an total dork. Dork is good in this case because it shows that you’re real. Real you ARE, just like most of us trying to figure out this ‘parenting abyss’ which brings me to a post I wrote about recently. Thank you for this and THANK YOU for your raw self :)
http://www.mamascribble.com/2011/11/great-abyss-parenthood.html
Vanessa
Yeah, I try all the time, but I know my lil guy sees right through it sometimes. At two years old, he knows when I am annoyed with him, annoyed with his dad or just simply annoyed, but somehow like everyone else says, he loves me anyway. Great post as usual.
Nellie recently posted..Ready For Surgery! Sort of.
Tears..and so true. Love this. xo
tracy recently posted..Why The Hell Did I Buy Glitter?
I think my mom shared with me that she doesn’t have a clue or didn’t when we were growing up, she faked it along as well.
My first insite on this was when I was asking her when my daughter was a baby, what to do, and she kept telling me to read the book (baby book) and see what it said.
We all need lessons on making faking look easy.
CrazyNutsMom recently posted..Filters Required
My kids definitely know I’m flawed. I think I’m better at faking to everyone in the outside world. Although I’m trying not to fake it so much.
Recovering Supermom recently posted..NaBloPoMo Day 16: Homemade Gifts and the Lies that Surround Them
I concur, completely.
I saw a photo of my mother in her 30s in a disco party outfit and was shocked! Wow, she used to party. Right now, I am just mommy to the boys but I am going out on dates with Daddy to show them that we HAVE a life.
Autherine@BoysRising recently posted..What Defines Your Family
Love, love, love it! I’m so tired of all the “perfect” mommies out in cyberspace who are quick to criticize those who choose to keep it real out here. And besides, how will our children learn how to recover from a mistake if they never see us making them??
Jennifer recently posted..This is War
Jennifer (above me) I am so with you. The best thing my parents ever did for me was to say, “I’ll play with you for a few minutes, but then I have to get back to paying the bills/cleaning/whatever I’m doing.” They went out to dinner and told us to leave them alone when they were having a discussion. They got angry and sad and weren’t afraid to let it show, just like me. I always knew that my parents loved me, and I was absolutely showered with snuggles and playtime and positive reinforcement, but I was never my parents’ entire universe, and they showed by example how to be good adults. I am eternally grateful to them for showing me every day how to be a good parent and leading by example.
Love this post.
I remember thinking my parents were Russian spies, and that one day either I’d bust them, or they’d tell me that I too was a Russian spy. My kids are still young so they’ve never heard of Russian spies, but I’m sure that as soon as they are old enough they’ll think i’m some kind of space alien too.
Kisha recently posted..The Meaning of Christmas
Thanks so much for this post. I was honestly sitting in front of my computer crying because I just said fuck multiple times in front of my toddler out of frustration because I couldn’t get her baby sister to go down for her nap. Sometimes I feel like the worst parent ever despite being a stay at home mom who has devoted her ENTIRE being to caring for her children. Sometimes I feel like my children would be better off in daycare being looked after by someone who would be fired for saying fuck in front of a child.
Sarah&Noa’sMom recently posted..Easy Beef Paprikash
I knew from the moment I first looked into my daughters eyes that I’d never be as good at this parenting thing as I should be. That is why I tell her that there are only two things she needs to remember: 1) Mommy and Daddy love her very much. 2) We have started a therapy fund. ;)
Great post. Reminds me of my toddler laughing and saying, “You’re not people. You’re just Mama.”
Heather recently posted..Twas the Week Before Christmas
Jill, this was divine. I loved it. I also loved your Thanksgiving dinner extravanganza. You get what you give. There’s a alot of goodness coming your way.
Cheers, L
Love it! And love those pictures! Though I admire parents for being stolid, I may admire them more for being human.
Stephanie recently posted..Momma’s12 Days of Christmas Presents I Miss My Nana by Psychodynamom
I just wanted to say that I love this! You made me feel like, a person. I’m happy to hear another mommy blogger admit that moms are fundamentally flawed because all human beings are, but also that this is perfectly A-OKAY! You’re number one Jill. Keep on being u.
Aw. My son isn’t even two yet (not till February) and he already says “UGH!” like I do when I’m frustrated. It’s adorable.
I hate to think of the day when he’s no longer little and cuddly and laughs when he farts in the bathtub. :( They grow up too fast.
Loved this post.
Ruth recently posted..Dear: The Bump
I recently realized this myself. I’m actually getting to know my mom on a whole new level…slowly. It’s different to see her as just another person with hopes, dreams and fears, than the person who constantly told me what to do and how to live my own life. She’s been there and done that, sure, but she’s walking new territory at the moment, and telling me about lessons learned. It’s…weird.
Can I just say I LOVE free to be you and me. My summer camp preformed it in the early 80s as a stage production! Not sure how it started but when my triplets would all cry at once I used to sing “mommies are people. people with problems” LOLs
Also, at what age to kids get that Mommy and Daddy used to be kids? The triplets will be three this week and if I bring it up they get very mad, and tell me and I quote “mommy not kid, mommy IS mommy!” ha.
Thrifty With triplets recently posted..Microwave caramel wins
Thank you! I love this as I can relate too well. My kids (16-year-old twins and a 13 year old) now have potty mouths and sadly it’s because of me! When I’m feeling sick, they know it because I whine. They know when I have a hot-flash to stand back and open a window. I’ve never been one to feign anything but I do believe my kids are better people for it.
Christina Baglivi Tinglof recently posted..How Will You Tell Your Twins About the Birds and the Bees?
This is how I want my kids to recognize me as they grow up- as being human. I think it can only result in them being better human beings themselves.