K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself; there’s no staff biographer at Scary Mommy) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: To make creative work a central part of my life, and to keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.
I’m wandering in circles around Bed, Bath & Beyond, looking for an exit*.
I’m about to send up a flare, when I stop in front of the vast “As Seen on TV” display. Flashbacks of infomercials dance across my retinas: the Aluma Wallet, Pajama Jeans. the kill-me-if-it-comes-to-this Easy Feet, the Ped Egg Professional. Why the foot obsession? Who’s their target audience, Rex Ryan?
I start to walk away when I see the Strap Perfect: The Ultimate Bra Strap Solution! The exclamation point is part of the title; I’m not that excited.
But the woman on the box looks so pleased with herself. Her bra straps are neatly tucked away, and her breasts are positively buoyant. I look down and do an honest appraisal: the girls could do with a better view. Why not give them a little lift?
I flag down a clerk, tell her I’m hopelessly lost in Beyond, and get directions to the cash registers.
Back home, I open the package and discover I paid nine bucks for .0036 cents worth of flimsy plastic. Someone, somewhere, is making millions on these things. If I could turn back time and undiscover Angry Birds, I could be kicking back, drinking juleps.
But no. Baby’s gonna stay in public school and keep eating Toasty O’s for breakfast.
I read the directions but they make no sense. I clearly need a third arm, a personal assistant or detachable breasts. Eventually, I take my arms out of my bra straps, spin the thing around backwards and attach the clip.
Unfortunately, I also catch sight of myself in the mirror. My bra straps and the Strap Perfect Torture Device form a giant black X across my chest. I look like the unholy spawn of the biker guy from The Village People and Rosie O’Donnell in Exit to Eden. Or maybe Bondage Barbie after popping out eight kids and 40 years of hard living.
It’s a shocking sight. Rather than risk hysterical blindness, I try to extricate myself from the bra. But things are super, extra, painfully tight because of the Strap Perfect Masochism Clip. I yank the bra around halfway, catch sight of one of the double D cups flapping uselessly in the area of my left armpit, and tug even harder.
The Strap Perfect Ninja Star cracks in two, and the halves shoot off and embed themselves in opposite walls. Mothers everywhere feel a sense of validation, because I almost lost an eye. My bra strap ricochets back and smacks me in the forehead, knocking me off balance due to the shock of being attacked by my own support garment.
But wait: there’s more.
I fall to the ground in a heap, twisting my ankle and shattering my dignity. And here I lay. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up… because I’m too embarrassed.
*The only store that throws off my internal GPS more is IKEA. God forbid I try to buy a set of Bräke stemware without walking past the Stüle changing table seven or eight times. But at least they have Swedish meatballs.
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{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
Funny although being flat chested all my life (yes, even after nursing 8 kids) I am kind of lost…. just like I was the one time I went to IKEA
Cate8 recently posted..Time for EXes.
Thank you so much for the morning laugh! Your post script was a bonus to me because I work at a Ikea. I spend a lot of time giving directions.
Victoria KP recently posted..Write On Edge: 100 Words
OMG I’ve bought these things, I couldn’t do it myself, had my husband help which is also embarresing, but also hysterical in the same breath :) Thanks for the morning laugh! :)
I hate to tell you this, but, {voice drops to a whisper} they sell those little torture devices at the Dollar Store. I bought them there, but they looked too damn complicated to deal with, so the unopened package has been kicked to the back of the closet floor.
And I nearly had a panic attack the first time I went to IKEA. But now, I know if I make it through, not only will I get some cool “toys,” but some Swedish meatballs at the end.
Funny, funny post. Cheers.
Vinobaby recently posted..A Jedi Seamstress, Am I
The exact same thing happened to me! Minus the falling to the ground and twisting an ankle. The Strap Perfect Ninja Star broke the first time I tried it too.
Jessica recently posted..Where is the cute in poop?
@Kate and @Victoria: 8 kiddos and an IKEA employee? I’m feeling weirdly Psychic Friends Network right now. Maybe I should go buy some lottery tickets.
@JenniferS: thank you for commiserating; it helps to hear others find the same things funny as you do.
@Vinobaby: Arghh. They do?? That’s whatever I paid minus one dollars wasted. That’s money I could have bought like 8 dozen meatballs at IKEA.
Thank you all for reading.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Guest Posting at Scary Mommy:
Yeah, that strap thingy is a torture device for sure. It probably comes with a built in camera so they can watch the hysterics and post them to their web site!
As for IKEA, I’m pretty sure they make it that big and confusing so that you will keep winding up back at the cafe and buying more meatballs!
Mel recently posted..Little Miss Perfect
I’ve always wondered about those things…now I know…dont even think about trying ;)
And IKEA? I dont even dare go without a guide.
Oh Sista I feel your pain, a friend noticed me slipping my bra strap into my tank this summer and said she had “just the thing” to help. I stood there as she affixed this wee piece of plastic to my bra, the girls suddenly rose and I was impressed!
I strutted happily, secure in the knowledge that my bra straps were hidden and my figure much improved. Until the bloody thing snapped at a dinner table of 10 people, went flying and saggage ensued. Made for fantastic dinner convo but I was totally ticked. I’m sure all women over 35 imgaining themselves at a dinner party with their bra showing and boobs sagging will understand.
SoberJulie recently posted..Tim Hortons Mini Playdate
omg i don’t think i’ve laughed so hard since i don’t know when.. thankyou.. and i sympathise whilst giggling.
You can’t get out of them UNLESS they break. If the army knew about them, they could use them at Guantanamo Bay for torturing criminals of war.
angi recently posted..Tranquil
LOL Thanks for the early morning laugh. My own triple D gals appreciate the strap warning. I, too, have heard it’s siren song, but have so far been able to resist.
Thanks for the morning laugh…at your expense, and not my own!
lauren scheuer recently posted..Chicken Milking
You, here, making me laugh out loud.
I love this: really, my eyes glistening with tears at the sight.
I guess it helps that since I’ve seen you, I see you.
This was wonderful, Carrie, so wonderful.
Alexandra recently posted..Strong Start Day 2011- PostPartum Progress
BB&B has no exits. I swear, the Jews wandered around there and not in the desert for 40 years.
And I saw that bra strap thing just the other day! And not on TV.
Marinka recently posted..Teen Drinking
That was awesome. I almost spit my coffee on the computer. I really do not even need to wear a bra. I just do to make me feel like a woman. IKEA is my crack!
Seriously Sassy Mama recently posted..Pumpkin Pie
I think I just peed my pants laughing!
Connie Weiss recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Big Balls
I’m so sorry you were traumatized. By maniacal plastic. And yet I still want more than -32AAAAs. I’d like to get smacked in the forehead, twist my ankle, and lie upon the floor from a haywire breast buttress. Just once.
I could literally live in IKEA. There are beds for after the meatballs.
Arnebya,
Your post made me think of this clip I watched this morning… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enbU6LHLZLk&feature=player_embedded
Happy smacking!
Okay, I about fell out of my chair laughing. I tried the strap thing once because I was hoping it would make the “girls” (40DD) look perky. I needed my husband’s help getting it off, and he couldn’t keep a straight face while trying to help.
I do pretty well navigating Bed Bath and Beyond and IKEA. However, I cannot do Walmart. I don’t know if it is the lighting or what, but I tend to get lost and wander around aimlessly forgetting why I was there in the first place.
lesa recently posted..Please Explain…
Let me first say that when I saw the infomercial for these things I was pissed as in high school I used to use a metal key ring on my bra xfor the same effect. Damn my 17 yr old self for not pattenting the idea! But now yes I own like 2doz of these little monsters I to bought from the dollar store. Ater many weeks of yoga practice long after the kid is asleep I can now usually get the thing attached and can enjoy the beauty of young perky looking boobs but god forbid I try and remove it. I do usually just break them in half.
Forget the Swedish meatballs. The only way I can find my way out of IKEA is by following the scent of their delicious, oh-so-fattening, serving-size-is
-only-a-quarter-of-the-bun cinnamon rolls. And really, who only eats 1/4 of those babies?
The only thing you can’t find at that store is a noose, which I am always in search of when I’m there.
Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him recently posted..Girls Just Want To Have Funyuns
I love the “as seen on TV” wall, but I have to keep my daughter away from it. She’s addicted to infomercials.
Jennifer recently posted..I’m a member of the Transformation Nation
“Strap Perfect Masochism Clip”
BAHAHAHAHAHA!
Love it! Just love it. And thanks for STOPPING me from buying said product. heh heh
This was so funny! LMBO!
I have purchased the dreaded strap perfect as well. And fully agree that they DO work but are the most ridiculous to put on! I’ve also seen them individually for sale at my neighborhood classic car spa all blinged out! Not sure WHY you would need one that is bedazzled, but I’m sure someone has a use for that! (Now why didn’t I think of that??)
This had me cracking up. I’m about as flat-chested as a 12-year-old boy, so I can’t really relate. But still, hysterical.
Kimberly recently posted..Big News
@ Mel: you’re a wise woman; I think you’re right on both counts.
@ imperfectmomma: an IKEA sherpa? That’d be funny… they could line up outside to take you up the mountain (stairs), have you acclimate (frames and pillows)…
@ SoberJulie: Ha! That’s so much better (worse?) than my story. If you’d written that up, my post wouldn’t be here. Did one fall in your soup?
@ sera: thanks for both sympathy and giggles.
@ angi: yikes; lets all keep it to ourselves, then.
@ Marilee: the sad part is, the little suckers work, but aren’t worth the trouble. Still wish I’d patented them, though.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Guest Posting at Scary Mommy:
@ lauren: Of course at my expense. What kind of bastard would start poking fun at you? Also: I checked out and love your blog, so now I get to visit the chickens (something I never thought I’d say.)
@ Alexandra: You are the reason I started taking chances and offering guest posts, so you should feel wonderful. The eyes glistening? I don’t know… maybe a duct issue?
@ Marinka: You commenting is like Barack Obama calling to congratulate me on my unlikely World Series Victory. I’m going to Disney World! Thanks for making my day.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Guest Posting at Scary Mommy:
I fell for that stupid product too! My DD’s are making giant gashes in my shoulders – I need this! NO. I needed a better bra.. Having a Giant X on my back? No thanks. Paying $9 bucks for a couple a 45 record adaptors? As if! I was in a similar position when mine failed-sweating and griping in my bathroom half naked wishing I could call out for help but knowing the shame I’d feel if found this way. Stupid product must have been made by a man! (Just like the bra…)
Spectacular post!!! I sympathize and, more importantly, my post-baby E!!! cups sympathize. I will heed your warning and simply walk past the bra solution.
Mrs. D-Zo recently posted..Shame
@ Seriously Sassy Mama: Well, better IKEA than crack, I guess. Thanks for the comment.
@ Connie: Send me the dry cleaning bill and thanks! I’ll go read your big balls now.
@ Amebya: The grass is always greener on somebody else’s boobs, right? And I’d have to get carried away in a straight-jacket made from one of their giant yellow bags if I lived in IKEA.
@ MeginMD: I’ll go check it out…
@lesa: Thank you so much. And Walmart just makes me sad sometimes, but I can see my way out. BB & B and IKEA get me so much worse.
@ Melanie: Seriously?? You used a key ring? That’s brilliant. That I could open up. I wrote a post once about the inventions I didn’t follow through on, so I feel your pain.
@ MamaBug: I did NOT need to read that. I’m on Weight Watchers right now, so one would be two days worth of food. Mmmm…. cinnamon-y.
@ Erin: Only they’d call it a Nuse, with an umlaut over the u. I’m off to read about Funyons now.
Thanks for commenting, y’all. (Lived in TX for one year, so legit.)
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Guest Posting at Scary Mommy:
Thanks for the laugh – this was so funny! And, I had no idea what the Strap Perfect was, so I just googled it. I’ll heed your warning and refrain from purchasing one. :-)
Christi recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Bath Time For Baby
Ha! Awesome visual. I needed a quick perk-me-up one day and my husband came to the rescue with a paper clip! Sounds strange, but it worked beautifully, didn’t even feel it. I’ve used that ever since. Added bonus? It will never crack and fly off somewhere, causing mayhem to ensue. Hehe
@ Jennifer: I haaate infomercials. Unless I’m in an altered state.
@ Quirkyloon: You LYBO? Maybe we should tell Jennifer (above)? Beats dieting, I say. Thanks so much for following and commenting, my dear Quirks.
@ Kimberly: Boy, this is fun — reading kind comments, discovering new bloggers in turn. I’m not used to this much comment love.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Guest Posting at Scary Mommy:
Thank you for this much-needed afternoon laugh! It’s the only thing making the 5 pm countdown bearable right now.
NoDramaMama recently posted..What I’ve Learned in 50 Blog Posts
Hilarious, and so true. It’s torture to try all these dumbmechanics to make sure the things that hang, don’t hang anymore. I really like all the names that you gave it, because that’s what they shoud’ve called it in the first place. It’s nothing like tourturing yourself and being trapped in your own clothing ;)
MangoChutney recently posted..Correcting Hair Color, Color Is Fun!!!
This was fabulous! Thank you! I am glad I am not the only one not skilled in pain management enough to use one of those things! :)
Megan recently posted..Occupy is more than a movement its a change of existence
My mom bought me those because I had told her that one of my professors had mentioned slipping bra straps as a distracting issue in interviews. It worked for the first few times, but then it broke on my back. The hard plastic dug into my back, and I still had a heck of a time getting the bra off because of the way it broke.
sorryaboutyourweight recently posted..TLC’s Big Sexy
@ Christi: As I wrote to you, check out Christen’s solution, below.
@ Christen: Brilliance! Sorry you lost out on a million dollar payout. Next time you come up with something, let me in on the ground floor? Thanks.
@ NoDramaMama: Thanks much. And man, do you have it together for someone with only 50 posts under their belt. Damn, I’m impressed.
@MangoChutney: I’ve never before received a comment from a condiment, so I’m pretty excited. I’m going to go see what your blog’s about, because I’m now intrigued. Also, I have gray roots and super-resistant hair.
@ Megan: You got three exclamation points worth of pleasure? That’s terrific. I have no idea what “occupy” is, so going to click on your link too.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Guest Posting at Scary Mommy:
This made me laugh so freaking hard that I peed a little. Thank you and now I need to find new pants.
Jen recently posted..The Morning Rush
Loved the part about the ninja star and mothers everywhere getting validation. Hilarious.
Awesome. And nothing, and I mean nothing, on my body is where it was before I had kids.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..My Fall Wish List
Yeah. I feel that way about the Snuggle. I laughed hysterically when I saw it advertised on television then laughed at myself as I ordered three of them for my teens because they had to have them. FML.
Julie recently posted..A Remarkable Life
Make that Snuggie. I hate spell check.
Julie recently posted..A Remarkable Life
For sure this is my favorite line — incredible imagery!
I look like the unholy spawn of the biker guy from The Village People and Rosie O’Donnell in Exit to Eden.
I absolutely LOVE infomercials and am mesmerized at the As Seen on TV store in the mall. I could spend hours there. So I guess that means I should avoid Bed, Bath and Beyond when I’m in a hurry.
cardiogirl recently posted..My kid’s favorite inventions
There’s nothing funnier than real life when you tell your humerous view.Your renditions are so funny,you can just picture it,you should be on tv
Ha!!! your writing is so vivid! Our BB&B is small so you can only walk around in a big square.
I wish I could say this, but I’ve never been to Ikea. The torture of living in the boonies. :(
Thanks for the laugh!
Ruth recently posted..I am..
Could is supposed to be “couldn’t”. Sigh.
I bought that bra thing, too. Have never used it b/c I’m afraid I’ll pull a muscle getting it on.
Thanks for the laugh! I am at work, laughing out loud. My colleagues fear for my sanity! I can just picture it.
Ha! Great post! I can’t stand that store because I seem to buy everything I never knew I desperately needed. They also seem to pump some nose burning, throat scratching, incredibly contrived “fragrance” through the air that makes me nauseous. The smell probably disoriented you!
Zoey recently posted..Can’t Figure It Out Friday – How to Be Quiet
I want big boobs. I know there should be more of a “take away” here than that. But that’s all I’m left with. Flopping around uselessly, refusing to be contained by a masochism clip, causing you to fall–whatever. I’ll take it. Mine do nothing of the sort. They are so well behaved it’s painful.
Team Suzanne recently posted..How to play it right at Halloween
You had me laughing!
Glad to know I’m not the only one who gets lost in IKEA.
Carolyn recently posted..Every Birth Story Is Unique
I’m totally glad I’m not drinking at the moment, because I’d have had a nasal gargle, and that’s BBBAD.
I can empathize. I, too, get lost in IKEA and BB&BeyondMe. And I’m quite sure that I would break something if I were to attempt the Ninja Bra maneuver.
Thank you for making me snort. I needed it.
Not Supermom recently posted..Holy Books, Batman
@ Jen: I already offered ConnieW payment for dry-cleaning bill, so I’ve got to offer you too. Thanks for soiling yourself for me.
@ A Morning Grouch: Thanks. That part was fun to write. Truth be told, I kinda liked it too.
@ Natalie: Really? Spleen? Forehead? Baby toe? Don’t be so hard on yourself.
@ Julie: Ha! Did you get a volume discount? Again, somebody making $$ on a seemingly ludicrous product. I’m jealous.
@ Cardiogirl: I don’t mind looking over the products, but bad acting drives me up a tree, so unless I’m drunk, I don’t like infomercials. Making fun of them? That’s just fine, though, so I guess I have to watch them.
@ Karen: Thank you for your kind comment.
@ Ruth: If it’s so small, they should just call it BB. Got to be big to have a Beyond. As for IKEA, you’ve got to do it once, but that’s enough. I do love to check out Ikea Hacks online. Now I’m going to check out your post. Don’t sweat the typo: I ALWAYS hit send too soon.
@ Anna: (SO happy to see your name here) Getting it on isn’t bad, because you can swing the bra around; it’s getting it off that’s the killer. They do work, so the dollar store idea might be worth it.
@ Susan: I wish I could hear you. Thanks for taking the time to tell me about it.
@ Zoey: I’m that way in Target more than BBB, but I do waste time by looking at everything in the store twice (because of the getting lost).
@ Team Suzanne: What can I say; I’m sure you have body parts over which I’d be envious. And then there’s the laying on your back issue…
@ Carolyn: Nope. We should start a support group.
@ Not Supermom: Snort away! That’s a compliment. It’s gross, but a compliment.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..NFL Sunday Ticket to Hell
Great post–loved the “Strap Perfect Torture Device” comment. I’m *still* giggling! My friend Not_Supermom just pointed out this post to me under the premise that we may be soul-mates. She has a point. As evidence, I present this offering: http://www.gingerdoodles.com/2011/01/sports-bra-aerobics.html.
Bubbles LaRue recently posted..Requiem
So. Very. Funny!
I’m sending my husband to Ikea today. Should I be worried? Should I have him enable the GPS app on his new phone? And my god, he’ll have the kids with him…..*weeping*
Thanks for the warning and the story….I get lost in Super Walmart. It’s the lighting. It zombifies you.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Steve Jobs: RIP
Hysterical! I think the internal GPS is whacked in that place because they stack things so high to the ceiling. It’s like being in a rat maze.
Did you return the damn thing and get your $9 back?
Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness recently posted..Heart Space
Hilarious! This reminds me of my attempts during pregnancy of wearing the Bella Band – have you heard of it? A death trap, I tell you. I, too, ended in a tangled mess on the floor.
Perky boobs just ain’t worth it.
The Flying Chalupa recently posted..To Asia, Jeeves! Keep The Peanuts.
LMAO! So glad I am not the only one who fights with undergarments. I do hope your ankle is ok though. :o)
I’m not gonna lie – I want one of those mommy makeovers – Breast lift/Tummy tuck. I think I could breath better if my boobs weren’t compressing my diaphragm. Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to & fro?……Some ladies gave me a pencil test, and I could hold a water bottle and remote control…securely.
Kelly recently posted..Rhinestone Bat Necklace
Ah those Swedish meatballs are amazing. And ice cream for a dollar I’ll take it every time.
I’m sorry to hear that this bra device not only did not immediately make beautiful buoyant breasts, but actually endangered you. I would consider suing. =)
Marta recently posted..A Letter to My Future Self
Thanks for sharing your story — it was amusing. And now all I can think about is meatballs…yum!
Jennifer Burden @WorldMomsBlog recently posted..BRAZIL: Returning to São João do Tigre
I haven’t seen this informercial, but it does sound like a medieval torture device.
I’ve seen the infomercial for the Ahh Bra, or whatever it is and that thing doesn’t look like it anything more than a short tank top that would be an epic fail for my big boobs.
Infomercials are evil. Those Happy Nappers are only making the people who made them happy. My kids would not be any happier if I gave in and bought them one. :)
Thanks for the morning laugh!
Regina recently posted..I’m too poor to buy disposable bags.
So funny! I can picture the whole thing. I think we all have those moments – and if we’re lucky, they happen in private. Or in front of babies who can’t recount the story in front of crowds.
Infomercials are straight from the Underworld. Especially with sucker kids like mine. Evidently I “need” it all. I’m glad they have yet to see the perfect strap thingy advertised. I really don’t need to be explaining the whole lift and separate issue to my sons yet.
That’s Daddy’s job.
Ash recently posted..Son of a rich.