1. Putting up those Goddamn Christmas lights. Every year, at least one string is out and, by the end, you and your spouse have considered filing for divorce.
2. That time you got the only gag gift at the White Elephant party. C’mon!
3. That year you just missed getting the “insert toy of the year” at Toys “R” Us by one minute and nearly arm-wrestled that beeyatch who got it.
4. The bazillionth time you forgot to move the motherf*cking elf.
5. The 75th time you saw a toy commercial and heard, “I want that!”
6. That time you found out Trader Joe’s was out of their limited release holiday truffles, and PMS loomed around the corner. WTF!
7. When your kids asked if they could “help” with the cookies.
8. Two words: Wrapping presents.
9. That time you offered to make the holiday-themed play dough at your child’s school.
10. When you got that speeding ticket and, as the officer walked away, he said, “Happy Holidays.”
11. That time you shopped at Costco. In December. Nope.
12. That time you hopped on the scale. In December. Nope.
13. That time you looked up “Christmas decorating ideas” on Pinterest. Oh, hell no.
14. When your kids opened their expensive presents and then played with the wrapping paper for an hour.
15. The time your friend got you a gift and you sat there empty-handed, wishing the earth would swallow you up whole.
16. When you dared compare your holiday shopping budget to what you’ve spent. Oh shit.
17. When you got approached by that very worthy charity after doing #16. Ugh.
18. That year your husband wanted sex on Christmas. It’s Jesus’s birthday, buddy – not yours.
19. That time your child dared to observe that Santa’s handwriting is eerily close to yours.
20. That year your kids woke up at 4AM, ready to open their gifts. Oh wait… that’s every year.
Related post: Elf on the Shelf is Not Gonna Happen