Cleaning has never been fun but add kids to the mix, and everyday chores go from grueling to grueling plus, pointless. And soul-sucking.
Because for everything you pick up, your kids will put something down. A lot of somethings. No matter how hard you try, they’ll be right behind you undoing all your hard work and giving you even more. Clean a toilet? They’ll do a life-changing poop minutes later. Wipe up the table? Time to squirt a Capri Sun all over it! Folded laundry in a neat pile? Guess again. Lucky for us, the funny parents of Twitter understand the pain of trying to keep a house tidy while living with kids.
My hobbies include cleaning my house and then watching it fall to shit 3 minutes later.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 3, 2016
The definition of insanity? Parents cleaning the house and expecting it to stay that way.
2. Help, we’re sinking.
Cleaning a house with kids is like being in a boat with a hole. No matter how many bucketfuls you dump out, you are still taking on water.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 3, 2015
There’s no bailing out of this damn mess, ya’ll. It’s self-replicating.
3. SO FUN.
7yo: MOMMA KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A FUN PRETEND GAME IS YOU PRETENDING YOU'RE MY MAID AND CLEANING MY ROOM AND STUFF
Me: So like….life?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 23, 2016
Isn’t it adorable how kids think cleaning is one big game of playing with Swiffer cloths and sweeping like Cinderella? No. It’s actually not. It’s infuriating.
A remake of The NeverEnding Story, but it's all just footage of me doing my family's laundry.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 30, 2017
The giant pile gets folded and put away and it’s literally back the next day. What evil wizardry is this.
5. Sophie’s choice.
You can have kids who are entertaining themselves, or you can have a clean house. You cannot have both.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 22, 2017
You want to be left alone to watch an episode of “Chopped?” Hope you feel like cleaning 1,000 q-tips up off the bathroom floor when you’re done.
6. Sounds reasonable.
How to clean before company arrives:
1) Light a scented candle.
2) Use that scented candle to set your house on fire.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 24, 2017
We can rebuild. It’s the only way.
People who clean after the kids go to sleep- when do you watch TV and get drunk?
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) October 2, 2016
We all need to know.
8. Maybe one more day?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) July 20, 2017
If you need to impress your mother-in-law with a clean house, this is basically the only way to achieve it. Just toss them Goldfish crackers every 20 minutes. They’re fine.
9. Do it on the hardwoods, at least.
[being murdered] "Please don't make a mess, I just finished cleaning in here."
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) October 11, 2016
Once it’s clean, a mom makes sure it stays clean. At all costs.
10. Messes multiplying like bunnies.
Having more than one kid means that by the time you've finished cleaning up one mess, your kids will have created 3 more.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 11, 2017
Your kid makes a mess. Your other kid makes a mess. The mess makes a mess. The messes are sentient. Run.
According to legend, when a mom reaches the bottom of the laundry basket there's a portal to another dimension. A quiet one with margaritas.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 5, 2017
If this is true, it might be the necessary motivation to get me to actually fold all the laundry.
12. Always go with cash.
Told my kids cleaning the house was a game. It worked until I said the only prize was a clean house & a happy mom. Should've gone with cash.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) October 10, 2015
Happy futile cleaning, parents!