Kids are always expensive and us parents are often broke, and we’re never more harshly reminded of this truth than during the holidays. In case you have any money left, here comes Santa Claus to steal your last remaining Benjamins.
Because ’tis the season to jack up your credit card bills! This month, on top of all the food you buy that no one eats and diapers so your child can literally shit on your dollars, you also have to buy presents. And Christmas program costumes. And donate to the school charity drive. And get teacher gifts. And buy food for Christmas dinner (that your kids still won’t eat). It’s a never-ending list of reasons to part with your paycheck and though it’s all for a good cause, it’s still tough to manage. Having kids means so many more reasons to spend. Thankfully, the funny parents of Twitter understand all too well what it’s like to have kids and by extension, no money.
1. It’s only fair.
Toys need to be priced according to how long your child will actually play with them.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 11, 2016
By this rule, Hatchimals should be no more than $4. Sorry, not sorry.
2. We need to become babysitters.
Sorry kids we can't get you presents this year. We spent all of our money on babysitters so mommy and daddy can go to holiday parties.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) December 8, 2015
We don’t begrudge them their high fees because we want our kids well taken care of, but nothing makes a parent more broke than daycare and date night babysitters. Sorry, kids. Something has to give.
3. Kicking it old school.
Christmas is pretty cheap if you go the traditional route and just buy frankincense and myrrh for your kids.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 14, 2016
If it was good enough for our Lord and Savior, it’s good enough for our kids. Just find an MLM essential oil-selling mom and make her damn day.
4. Believing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
When the thing your kid wants is sold out and it costs triple the price to get one and you wish your kid was woke about Santa.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 14, 2016
If only you could just explain to them that Santa doesn’t make the fucking Hatchimals and the people reselling them are being total dicks about it.
5. Oh, December.
The best things in life are free. But everything else is really expensive. Especially kids in December.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 14, 2016
December is the month where you’re just waiting for the ATM to literally lol as you try to take out cash. Why are kids so freaking expensive, Santa? Why?
"He's not being raised to value material possessions," and other lies I tell myself while choosing bill payments over presents.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) December 14, 2016
You want to make it magical, but also, to pay your mortgage on time. The most wonderful time of the year, my ass.
7. Screw full-price.
I'm making a list. Checking it twice.
Scratching out anything I can't get for half price.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 13, 2016
In this age of abundant Kohl’s cash, there’s no reason in the world to pay full price. Unless you need a Hatchimal. Then, prepare to sell a kidney.
I'm saving a ton of money this year by switching my kids to the Naughty List.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) December 14, 2016
That’s one way to not have a cavalcade of bills in January. A savage way.
9. There’s no bigger waste.
I love how much money we're spending on our preschoolers for Christmas, as if they'll like anything half as much as the iPad we already own.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) December 3, 2015
Just wrap up your shitty, cracked iPad that shuts itself off after 20 minutes and say Santa brought it. Done dinner.
10. In summation…
A great way to prepare for parenthood is to literally throw all your money into a blazing fire.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 28, 2016
Only a Vegas bender could blow through your money faster than parenthood. But we wouldn’t have it any other way.