We’re halfway through flu/garbage virus season. If you’ve somehow made it to the end of February without cleaning up puke puddles, we salute you. We’re also insanely jealous. The fact is, kids are friggin’ disgusting and pretty much covered in germs this time of year. That means tons of illnesses, including for us parents, and they’re all nasty. Welcome to parenting. Hope you enjoy bodily fluids.
Luckily, the funny moms and dads of Twitter are right there with you in the booger and barf-covered trenches, trying to laugh their way through gross, kiddie illness season.
1. Oh no she didn’t.
[picking up kid after school nurse called saying she was sick]
What would make you feel better, sweetie?
Going home so I can play outside.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 26, 2016
You know the script. The school nurse calls. Your kid’s a wreck. Fever, listless, wouldn’t eat her lunch. You go pick her up, amid feelings of extreme guilt that you didn’t notice any symptoms that morning, only to have her walk out the school doors like Willy Wonka in that scene with the cane where he makes a sudden “recovery” and does a somersault. This is bullshit.
2. Thanks, guys.
Me: My throat hurts
Kids: Awwwww, poor mommy
Me: You guys are so sweet, tha-
Kids: JUST KIDDING WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT, FEED US SNACKS
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 22, 2017
They literally couldn’t care less. Business as usual.
3. A little fear is healthy.
I don't want my kids to have germaphobia. But maybe a little fear. A few nightmares. Especially in public restrooms. Something like that.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 15, 2017
Like, just enough fear to not place their entire palm on the toilet seat at that repulsive rest stop on your way to see grandma. That’s all we need.
4. So this is what it’s come to.
Home sick with a nasty infection watching TV by myself while the kids are at school, and what did I do to deserve this fabulous vacation?
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) February 22, 2017
I remember being pregnant with my first kid and sobbing into my latte when a friend told me her only alone time was weekly trips to the grocery store. If only I’d known that along with picking up toilet paper, I’d also look forward to sick days home alone while the kids aren’t around.
5. If only.
My kid said he was going to throw up and I said "oh no you're not" like I actually hold that kind of power.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 18, 2016
It’s worth a shot, though. Maybe one of us is some kind of magical sorcerer. Dream big.
6. It’s a guarantee.
Kids can get you out of any lame social obligations, but in turn they'll always spike a fever the morning of date nights & during vacations.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 22, 2017
This also applies to holidays, birthdays and when you and your spouse both have big meetings at work that can’t be missed.
7. True story.
~Sympathetic Parenting at 1am~
Sick Kid: "What if I puke and you don't hear me?"
Me: "Puke louder."
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 1, 2016
When you first have kids, you rise for their every hiccup. Fast-forward several years, and you’re leaving a puke bucket at the side of their bed praying they only wake you if it’s like, a lot of barf.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) January 25, 2016
Funny how all the annoying stories your boss usually likes to tell at the beginning of meetings suddenly aren’t happening when you bring your snot-covered kid along for that big presentation. Oh, it’s also an excellent walking PSA for giving parents more workplace flexibility, just saying.
[kid seems sick]
WebMD: probably nothing
Me: *calls dr anyway*
[I feel sick]
WebMD: ur gonna die
Me: I'll give it 10 yrs, see if it passes
— Lurk 'N Stalk (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 11, 2016
I’m currently five days into a suspected sinus infection and have yet to step into a doctor’s office. My kids spike the teeniest of temps and my phone’s already dialing the off-hours pediatrician. Shrug.
10. Worth it.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 19, 2016
Bring on all the horrible viruses if it means a kid-free vacation. Because this is who we are now.
11. Silver linings? Sure thing.
Having sick kids is actually kinda nice bc it relieves pressure to do fun activities, wear clothes, and bathe or eat at regular intervals.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) March 29, 2015
All the rules go out the window so you can guiltlessly laze around and give your kids unlimited screen time. After all, they’re sick!
12. It burns.
Like the perpetually burning fires of hell, the washing machine in the home of a 3-year-old with a stomach bug.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 11, 2016
They puke wherever they happen to be when the urge strikes. That means your washing machine is basically ready to blow a fuse by Virus From Hell Day 3. Pray to the Home Depot gods there isn’t a Day 4, because it won’t hold out and that gorgeous front-loader you’ve been eyeing isn’t on sale right now.
No matter how difficult parenting gets, the joy of having a sick toddler cough in your face makes it all worth it.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 14, 2017
Stay healthy, parents!