Are you ready to spend a full hour locating bathing suits, towels, flip-flops and snacks, plus another hour slathering sunscreen on every bit of your special snowflake’s delicate flesh only to have them whine that they’re bored after approximately 12 minutes?
Then you’re ready to hit the water!
Be it pool or beach, there are few things fun about the swimming experience as a parent. Lay back and relax while the kids play? Hardly. Our entire job (when we’re not mediating fights over pool noodles or consoling a preschooler who lost their sand castle to low tide) is to keep them alive. We have to supervise every agonizing second and also, congratulate them on every lame handstand in the shallow end. It’s enough to make us wish it were September again (OK maybe not that desperate, talk to us again at the end of July) but luckily, the funny parents of Twitter totally get it.
Ugh it's so hot!
*gets hit by two drops of pool water*
SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I'LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 7, 2017
We want the water to touch us but only on our own terms, kid.
2. *grits teeth*
"When can we swim in the pool?"
-my kids, 5 minutes after getting out of the pool
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 9, 2017
“When can we get out?” – all kids 10 minutes after getting into the pool. Bottom line, it’s going to be a long summer.
3. Zip your lip, neighbor kid.
The community pool is now open for business and the first person to tell my kids gets a punch straight to the throat.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 7, 2017
As far as my kids know, the community pool is closed for maintenance until 2022. Anyone who busts that myth wide open gets more than one punch to several body areas.
4. Time to simplify.
I'm not sure why I bring toys to the beach since my kids would much rather play with my empty seltzer can.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) June 7, 2017
The beach provides a bounty in the way of curiosities for kids. Cigarette butts, empty cans, jagged pieces of broken glass — it’s like Ariel’s collection only with the added risk of contracting hepatitis. Magical!
5. Jesus, take the wheel.
3: MOM I DIDN'T PEE IN THE POOL TODAY
Me: Great job, son!
3:*points to changing room* I PEED RIGHT THERE
3: TWO TIMES
— Ash (@adult_mom) June 29, 2016
OK parents, a little advice from a mom who’s been around the block a few times — if you get through a whole hour at the pool or beach without your kid saying they have to pee, they’re doing it somewhere else. Good talk.
6. A harrowing experience.
I saved my 2 year old son's life at least 10 times today AKA we went swimming for 30 minutes.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 31, 2014
What do you get when you mix a toddler who can’t swim with a giant, sparkling blue pool full of water? Heart-stopping stress and constant panic, that’s what.
7. For once, you’re not in charge.
I'm a grown woman but I still don't want to get in trouble with the teenage lifeguard at the neighborhood pool. She's watching, be cool.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) June 9, 2016
Let’s also take this time to note that you can use the teen lifeguard as your scapegoat because your kids won’t listen to you, but total strangers hold power. Don’t run or Miss Brittany will kick you out! Mommy loves you!
8. Zen AF.
Nothing rejuvenates a parent's soul like a beach day /w/ the soothing sounds of kids fighting & a relaxing mile jog to the closest bathroom.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) June 7, 2017
Why are the bathrooms spaced so far apart, beaches of America? It’s like they want our kids peeing in the ocean. I mean, they are peeing in the ocean. It’s the other thing that we need the bathrooms for and there’s nothing relaxing about hauling a 4-year-old half a mile while he yells BUT I GOTTA POOP NOWWWW.
9. Probably more like 97%.
93% of a parent's time at the pool is spent "watching this" and adjusting goggles.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2015
And 3% refilling our Tervis tumblers with some kind of vodka/Kool-Aid blend.
Oh, your kids' pool toys are educational & BPA-free? Mine are playing with a cocktail shaker & throwing water-soaked tampons at each other.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 3, 2016
You make one water balloon after another. I’m letting Tampax handle this.
Have fun, parents!