The Funny Parents Of Twitter Talk ‘Fitness’ After Kids – Scary Mommy

The Funny Parents Of Twitter Talk ‘Fitness’ After Kids

When you become a parent, hitting the gym is just one more thing on your ridiculously long to-do list that simply might never get done. You try, though. You get the kids dressed and drag them to gym daycare, even if it’s only so you can file your nails and scroll your phone in peace while doing 3.4 mph on the treadmill. You buy a bunch of workout clothing, but eventually, realize that it’s only seeing a lot of trips to Target instead of cardio class. But that’s ok. Parent life is busy and you’re doing the best you can.

Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter completely know where you’re coming from, and when they’re not busy untangling their earbuds for 20 minutes (which burns like, 70 calories) they’re writing hilarious tweets about trying to work on their fitness, post-kids.

1. It’s just good sense.

You’ve worked plenty of muscles already. Give that shit a rest.

2. Hardcore.

Hey, vacuuming can be really tough. All those nooks and crannies. Totally works your core.

3. Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis.

It takes some time, but after enough years spent with yoga pants and t-shirts fused to your skin, it becomes your uniform. Congrats. You’ve earned it.

4. Screw the haters.

You need adequate time to finish your breakfast without the kids picking at it. Take that leisurely stroll with breading and egg hanging out of your mouth. Dare anyone to question you.

5. Well…she’s not wrong.

It’s all about projecting an image, right? Amazing how early they get it.

6. *Puts down razor* It’s go time.

At least you went, right? Who cares if your leg hair was blowing in the breeze as you lazily jogged along?

7. So observant.

My kids have watched me do Jillian Michaels and asked if I was dying so, sames.

8. It’s called accountability, folks.

At least you’re thinking about it. That has to count for something.

9. You’ll never move faster.

Who needs a gym membership when you have a toddler?

10. Where can we sign up?

Is there HGTV and blankies? Because, hello.

11. All systems failing.

That God-awful feeling you have bending over to tug on your socks each day after you turn 30 has to count for something cardiovascularly.

12. All that thinking.

If you lie so hard smoke comes out of your ears, that’s the caloric value of at least half a burrito. It’s science.

13. We aren’t compatible.

Oh, you’re here for 90 minutes of boot camp class? I’m here to scroll Facebook in peace and sip my coffee in the quiet YMCA lobby. Keep on moving.

14. Way harsh, kid.

That’s not what we wanted to hear. Maybe it’s time you pay your own way through college.

15. It can be an oasis.

As much as working out can be torture, it also provides a handy escape to certain situations.