When you live with kids, you also live with constant messes and broken things. It’s fact; if you love something, your kids will ruin it. As parents, we should never underestimate a child’s ability to destroy. We will be unpleasantly surprised every single time.
The funny parents of Twitter understand the frustration of every surface in your home being sticky and every item being perpetually at risk of destruction. Let them make you laugh as you survey the day’s damage. Welcome to parenting. Hope you enjoy cleaning.
1. The only rules they actually obey.
"Nice things are meant to be destroyed."
-Kid Rules for Living. Chapter 3, Paragraph 2.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) April 6, 2016
Saying “I have kids” is the same as saying, “everything I own is stained, broken or totally destroyed.” Them’s the rules.
2. Take me outside to kill me please, I just vacuumed.
[being murdered] "Please don't make a mess, I just finished cleaning in here."
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) October 11, 2016
No one is more protective of a freshly clean house than a parent. No one.
3. Nothing works faster.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell "I'm getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!"
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 28, 2017
Wildly effective. Hide yo Barbies, hide yo Pokemon cards, here comes mommy!
4. Let’s talk this through, little buddy.
I'm never more of a terror negotiator than when my toddler is holding a bottle of nail polish over my stone floor
— Regular Mom (@LikeaRegularMom) February 1, 2017
Parents could basically be on Criminal Minds after a few years of life with a toddler.
Husband: So we've basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) January 31, 2017
As long as it’s spaghetti covered in butter and not sauce, this is not really a big deal, to be honest.
6. Super handy.
The great thing about having kids is that they automatically come with this "I will ruin everything you own" feature.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 12, 2016
It’s a totally standard feature for every kid you birth!
7. Innovative AF.
My kids decided to fingerprint my curtains with greek yogurt, because apparently they were running out of regular ways to ruin this house.
— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) April 3, 2016
This is literally why we can’t have nice things, but points for originality I guess.
8. It’s a toss up.
In today's episode of kid or flame-throwing tornado…*gestures to house*
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 16, 2017
There’s honestly very little difference other than the kid destroying things faster than the tornado.
9. Always overcoming the odds.
My kids just broke a pillow because they can do anything they set their mind to.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 30, 2016
You say to yourself, “there’s no way my kids could fuck this up.” Your kids are all, “hold my juice box.”
10. Oh yeah. Almost forgot.
Came home and thought someone broke in and trashed the place to send a message and then I remembered I have kids.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 29, 2016
Amazing how kid mess can mimic the aftermath of breaking and entering.
11. Sounds about right.
Parenthood means cleaning the house while one child makes artwork out of syrup and the other staples a comic book to the floor.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) January 14, 2017
There’s that cheesy saying about how cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it’s still snowing. Like that, only not sweet and adorable. Just super sticky.
12. Thanks, buddy.
7yo: I spilled my cereal
Me: Clean it
7: I did. Just like in cartoons where they push it under the rug. I did that
M: Points for honesty
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 10, 2016