School’s out across the country and summer has officially begun. For many families, that means it’s time to take a vacation. With kids. Which some might say isn’t really a vacation at all. That’s because kids complain and whine and make life difficult, even when fun is the only thing on the agenda. You booked a trip at a bustling tourist destination? All your kid will want to do is swim in the hotel pool. You were a total moron and booked a hotel without a pool? May the Lord have mercy on your mortal soul. Sure, there will be a little fun, but let’s be honest — a lot of it will require copious amounts of alcohol to make it through.
But in the tradition of the Griswolds, parents keep doing it. Our stubborn insistence that we try to have some fun, even if it means being trapped in a car for 15 hours with kids, is something to admire. We’re going to enjoy ourselves, dammit. Even if we have to endure torture to do it. Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter are right there with us threatening to take away tablets and snacks and considering jumping out of the car to tuck and roll the fuck away from their good, old-fashioned, family vacation.
1. No regrets.
Every thing you’ve ever seen a parent do in public that you’ve disagreed with I’ve done in this airport today.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) April 28, 2015
Bribery, changing diapers in inappropriate places, letting them eat candy, giving them their tablets for four hours straight — whatever you need to do, just do it. Anyone who judges can feel free to entertain and corral your kids while you sip a cocktail or four.
2. Who needs Disney when there’s a hotel pool?
As you book your summer vacations, don’t forget that all your kids really want to do is swim in a hotel pool.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 31, 2016
We booked a week at a gorgeous, ocean-front resort for our vacation this summer. It has proximity to all kinds of attractions, including the ocean, but what do you think the first question out of our kids’ mouths was? Yes, jackals. It has a god damn pool. With a swim-up bar because I’m nothing if not a survivalist.
3. You’ll miss home sooner than you think.
“Vacation, all I ever wanted,” I sing softly as I wash out my son’s Underoos in the hotel room sink.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 10, 2015
Oh, your toddler shit himself and totally destroyed a brand-new outfit you’d hoped would be worn more than once? Too bad you don’t have a washing machine in your hotel room and have to scrub it clean in the sink like a friggin’ peasant. Can you feel that relaxation?
4. That’s actually kind of awesome.
My son still pronounces “fish” as “bitch,” I can’t wait to take him to the beach this summer to look for bitches.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) June 5, 2016
They embarrass the crap out of you at home. They’re not going to break from their routine now.
5. Over and over and over.
My summer workout is just continually bending over to pick up all the wet stuff that my kids have strewn across our house.
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) June 6, 2016
Don’t forget the clumps of wet grass clippings and mud. And bugs. And hunks of dog poop your husband never picked up from the backyard.
6. Taking the show on the road.
Vacation with kids is really just a relocation for all the yelling and whining.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 2, 2015
Were you delusional enough to think when you booked your all-inclusive, island resort vacation that your asshole kids would stop being assholes long enough for you to drink all those included drinks? Bless your heart. You’re just paying $9,000 to yell at your son to stop wiping his boogers on his sister’s arm amid prettier scenery than usual.
7. It really should be against the law.
If texting and driving is dangerous, I don’t even want to know how dangerous it is to be parenting and driving.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 19, 2014
You think someone peeping at a text while driving is dangerous? It is, but far less dangerous than mediating an argument over who got more broken Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies while passing water bottles into the backseat and dodging the Sofia the First sunglasses you thought were so adorable on your toddler but she apparently only saw as a tool to possibly get you all killed on the freeway. Safe as can be.
8. Every. Single. Time.
My kids don’t always play with electronic toys on a car ride, but when they do, they press the same button FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP!
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) March 4, 2014
Is my eye twitching? Because just reading that kind of made me feel like it was.
I saved 1,000 bucks on camp this summer by letting my kid say, “this sucks ass” at home instead.
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) August 19, 2015
He might be hanging around you rolling his eyes at your every suggestion for summer fun, but at least with all that money you saved from skipping camps means you can buy plenty of wine and liquor to drown him out!
10. Your cubicle starts to sound like heaven.
vacation (n.): An annual activity in which people spend a week in a hotel room with a toddler to remember that going to work’s not so bad
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 30, 2015
You’re so eager to leave work for vacation and then on vacation, your quiet office and bottomless mug of uninterrupted coffee start to sound like a magical oasis. Thanks toddlers, for making work sound like the real vacation.
11. We’re taking notes.
I didn’t have a shot glass handy so I used my baby’s milk bottle to measure some vodka.
And I’ll do it again if I have to: I’M ON VACATION!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 24, 2016
You’ve gotta use whatever tools are available to you. But we also have to wonder — who measures liquor on vacation?
12. I rest my case.
I’m back from a weekend away with the kids.
Notice I did not use the word “vacation”?
That was deliberate.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 2, 2015
Happy travels, parents!