The holiday season is winding down. Soon, all the stress from shopping, decorating and corralling excitable kids waiting for their presents will be over. And after that? Two words that strike fear in the hearts of any parent with school-aged kids: winter break.
You start off positive — they have so many new toys, you think to yourself. How could they possibly get bored? This will be a breeze, right? Except it won’t. By December 27th, your kids will be all, “Hatchimal, who?” and you’ll be scrambling for ways to entertain them until school (blessedly) starts back up. It’s cold out, so going outside will be rough. Every indoor play-place near you will be a mob scene because, hello, everyone’s home from school. After a few days, you’ll resign yourself to providing your kids with a steady diet of Netflix and boxed mac and cheese. Because winter break is about survival. And no one knows the torture (or makes you laugh about it) like the funny parents of Twitter.
It’s like these teachers at our kids’ schools don’t even care about how hard it is to survive holiday break.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 21, 2016
I mean, it’s not like they deal with 22 hyper, small children a week before Christmas or anything. They have no clue how difficult this is for us parents.
Winter Break as a parent is a lot like Spring Break when you’re single and childless. A bunch of naked people shouting and demanding drinks.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 17, 2016
And spilling things everywhere and crying over absolutely nothing and demanding you watch their cool trick that will inevitably land them in the emergency room. The parallels are eerie.
3. Maybe the actual devil?
What childless devil thought the holiday spirit of family and togetherness could coexist with winter break and actual family togetherness?
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) December 21, 2016
By January 3rd, you’ll want to run away from home, but yes. The family. All together for days and days. Sorry, my left eye is starting to twitch. Brb.
4. What honey? Mommy can’t hear you.
Christmas break isn’t so bad since the sound of your kids fighting over their new toys is drowned out by the vacuum sucking up pine needles.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) December 21, 2016
Fire up that Dyson. The white noise really improves your quality of life this time of year.
5. Set the tone.
Parenting Tip: On the first night of vacation, have a complete emotional breakdown in front of your kids so they know not to fuck with you.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 21, 2014
They need to know how very close you are to the edge of sanity so they stay in line for a full 10 days or more. Better bring your A game.
6. Panic time.
Our kids are home with no school for the rest of the year. Just take a minute to let the horror of that sink in.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 21, 2016
*Wipes sweat off brow* What do you mean? I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
7. The twitch is back.
Fun fact: It’s called winter break,because by the end of it,nearly everything in the house will be broken…including Mommy. *eye twitches*
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) December 21, 2016
It’s on the 4th toilet clogging of the week that you might be ready to go off the deep end. Just keep repeating, “this is what wine is for.”
8. No big deal.
Day one of my kids’ winter break and I already feel like I’ve been awake for 1000 straight hours, so these next 2 1/2 weeks should be fine.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) December 17, 2016
Just a few weeks of what feels like the longest days of your life trying to entertain little kids indoors because it’s fucking freezing outside. It’s gonna be great.
Will it be weird if I kiss the ground and cry tears of joy when I drop my kid off at preschool today after a 2 week break?
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) April 30, 2015
Literally no one will judge you.
10. Aim high.
Goals for break, 1st day: Read to kids constantly, make cookies, create lasting memories.
2nd: Make it through the day without yelling.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 20, 2016
You start the week like Mary Poppins and end it like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Just know you aren’t alone in your descent into madness.
11. Sounds about right.
The only break parents can expect on winter vacation is maybe a kid’s arm.
Or a table leg under the weight of all the school crafts.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 21, 2016
Get ready for a swing through urgent care. All that turning living room furniture into a bouncy house is bound to end badly.
12. Buy a lot of Pop Tarts.
Winter break preparation consists mostly of having kids practice getting breakfast without an adult.
Basically, a fire drill for my sanity
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) December 22, 2016
It’s good to teach them independence. Right? Right.
Good luck, parents!