Once you survive the endless diapers, sleepless nights and bullshit tantrums, you’d think parenting would be smooth-sailing. Or at least get a little easier.
That’s because there’s this terrible thing called homework. More homework than you could ever imagine, and it’s making parents miserable. You see, elementary school isn’t what it was when we were little. While our first-grade year mostly consisted of watching little Brian stick a green crayon up his nose, kids today are a little more…advanced. They have actual homework that requires help from both you and Google because, what the hell Common Core math? As with all awful things parenting, it’s best to have a laugh and luckily, the funny parents of Twitter have your back.
1. So romantic.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 3, 2016
If you knew about the horrors of Common Core math before having kids, would you still have had kids? Now there’s a word problem we’d like to see.
If no one in your house is crying after your kids finish their homework, did their homework really even get done?
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 13, 2016
It’s best to aim for the hat trick — mom, dad and kid in tears. Bonus points for working a marital argument or two in there.
3. Hard pass.
Me: It's a new year. You're going to pack your own lunches & do your own laundry now.
6yo: Great. And you can do my homework.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) January 1, 2016
We’d rather do an extra 17 loads of laundry a week, because we already went to school. It’s your turn, kid. You can still do the lunches and laundry though.
4. Way to go, team.
4th grader- My teacher told me we won't have math homework to do at home this year.
High five, parents! We suck at helping & it paid off.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 7, 2016
Thrilled for these lucky parents but very jealous, as my fourth-grader definitely still has math homework. Are you reading this, Mrs. Hill? HELP ME.
5. Cherish that shit.
Helping my 13 yr old niece with her homework realizing how many horrors of parenting have yet to be revealed to me by my 1 and 4 yr olds.
— Snowflake Cher (@House_Feminist) November 21, 2015
As you wade through the parenting challenges of early childhood, know that it gets worse. Oh, so much worse.
6. The holy grail.
98% of helping kids with homework is trying to find a pencil with an eraser on it.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 18, 2015
Glad I’m not the only one living in a house with 5,000 pencils and only one that has an eraser on it. Why does that happen?
7. Eye on the prize.
Read to your kid and they'll repeatedly ask you for "one more story."
Teach your kid to read and you'll have about 25 min of silence.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 17, 2016
Put in the work for just a few years, and you’ll soon know sweet, sweet freedom for almost half an hour once a week. Worth it.
8. NO ONE KNOWS.
Helping my 6yo with his first grade math homework would be a lot easier if I had ANY IDEA how common core works.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 17, 2016
If Morgan has 10 pancakes and Hannah has six puppies how long until Daddy loses his shit and downs three shots of bourbon in quick succession? Show your work!
And now we've reached the part of the day, in which I could fall asleep standing up while my kid tells me about his homework.
— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) January 17, 2017
The fact that homework always happens in the evening is the ultimate parental kick in the crotch. At the time of day where everyone’s had enough, you still have to summon up a whole bunch of patience. And that’s where liquor comes in.
10. Seriously, WHO?
Sweet baby Moses in a basket, who decided homework for 1st graders should be a thing.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 24, 2015
They’ve only barely mastered wiping their own asses and now they’re responsible for homework? Is this life?