As we finish our third round of Thanksgiving leftovers, some parents have to start thinking about yet another time-honored holiday tradition. He’s tiny. He’s creepy. He’s always watching.
And he’s a whole lot of freaking work.
That’s right — it’s time to bust out the Elf on the Shelf. Sure, you can say it’s possible to keep your elf game pretty low maintenance, but kids talk. When your little Aiden hears that little Sophie’s elf came to town in a miniature and totally authentic Santa sleigh landing on a bed of snow made out of marshmallows, the pressure to compete can become intense. Make no mistake — this thing has the potential to be a giant pain in the ass and source of unending aggravation. And no one understands that pain like the funny parents of Twitter, so have a laugh at their hilarious thoughts on the beady-eyed little shit.
1. So tempting.
1st year of Elf on the Shelf: I won’t use it to discipline, just to bring joy.
Now: *Feet up, drinking wine.*
The Elf is watching, kids.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 22, 2016
You start off with such good intentions. It won’t last. Trust us.
2. Good boy…I mean, BAD DOG.
This Thanksgiving I will be giving thanks to our family pet for turning our elf on the shelf into a chew toy. May he rest in peace.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 16, 2016
Slip that pup a whole bunch of table scraps. He’s doing the lord’s work.
3. Nailed it.
This year I’ll be trying a new variation of “Elf on a Shelf”.
It’s called “Mom on a Couch Not Doing Elf on a Shelf”.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) November 22, 2016
I will be assuming that same pose while my sisters in parenthood work up a sweat creating teeny elf ice skating rinks out of punch bowls. Oops, gotta pour more wine, brb.
4. Calm down, genius.
The Elf on the Shelf is a reminder of what happens when people with big ideas take things too far.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 22, 2016
A $30 book and stuffed toy is egregious enough of an offense but to then suggest that parents perform all manner of elf theater during what’s arguably the most stressful and busy month of the year? Yeah, how about you slow your roll there, elf inventor?
5. Sorry, kids.
Surprise! Mommy is our family’s Elf on a Shelf this year.
Sorry, but no touching, talking, or moving. It’s the rules. *shrug*
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) November 21, 2016
Technically, you are the elf. It’s only fair you’d get to reap some of the benefits including total silence and no one elbowing you in the boob.
6. Oh, that’s pure evil.
This other mom doesn’t realize she just made a powerful enemy.
*orders an elf-on-the-shelf delivered to her doorstep
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 7, 2016
This is a truly savage move to be reserved only for the bitchiest of PTA moms. I approve.
Like Chucky, but for Christmas!
-how they came up with the Elf on the Shelf, probably
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) November 22, 2016
His shifty little eyes have a distinctly demonic quality to them just like another creepy-ass doll we know. No thanks! My house will remain elf (and evil) free.
I am too damn tired, after spending all day trying to get my kid to sit still, to remember to spend my night making an elf move.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) November 22, 2016
What mom in her right mind would want to create more work for herself during the hour-ish she gets each evening after the kids go to sleep and before she passes out? Well, a good mom, probably. Not me, definitely.
Thank God for Elf on a Shelf, I was worried my kids were running out of things to tell me about at 5:30 on Saturday morning.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 5, 2015
At least they can change it up now. Instead of asking for waffles or telling you the TV won’t turn on they can describe in excruciating detail where they found the mother fucking elf! Where’s the Tylenol?
10. Sign us up.
I’d actually participate in “Elf on the Shelf” if I were allowed to dress my 5yo in an elf costume & leave him sitting on a shelf all month.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 1, 2015
Can we….can we really do that? Because several of us might rethink our anti-elf stance if this could be a thing.
My wife and I don’t do Elf on the Shelf, but we do have an annual tradition called “Make fun of parents that do Elf on the Shelf.”
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 6, 2015
Sorry, parents. If you’re up making itty bitty elf pancakes at 11pm on a Tuesday night some of us will point and giggle. Thems the rules.
12. Get your unfollow finger ready.
I must have missed the part in The Elf on the Shelf story where it said to post pics of it on social media every day.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 1, 2015
Because if your 458 Facebook friends didn’t see your Elf Land tablescape did it really happen?
13. Make it work for you, not against you.
Get your kids to stay in bed by taping a walkie talkie to your elf on the shelf’s back and whispering, “He sees you when you’re sleeping.”
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 23, 2016
You can get creative and go totally overboard with your elf or, you could just be a total genius. Your call.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d like to give thanks for the tiny coffin-shaped box I found today that’s perfect for our Elf On The Shelf.
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 22, 2016
An elf funeral on December 26th just feels right.
15. Romance. It isn’t dead.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 19, 2015
16. Time to get creative.
Just saw an article titled “66 Places to Put Your Elf on the Shelf” but they forgot in a wood chipper or directly up your ass.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 10, 2015
SO many possibilities.
Good luck with the elf debuting, parents!