Thanksgiving is finally over and the Elf on the Shelf has come out of hiding. Now, we turn to decorating our homes for the holidays. And while this yearly tradition will always be a fun and exciting one, having kids around can mean it’s a little more…complicated.
Gone are the days when you could leave a giant box of fragile ornaments out for a few hours, hanging them at your leisure while sipping wine and listening to Christmas music. Now, it’s a race to the finish with the kids climbing over each other to claim their favorites and you shrieking like a crazy person not to drop and break them. They crowd everything on one tree branch as you silently grit your teeth and try not to lose your shit. They do just about everything possible to remove all fun from the equation, but we press on — we’re parents, it’s what we do. And no one understands your holiday hell like the funny moms and dads of Twitter.
1. Leave a big tip.
“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” I sing forebodingly as my toddler tears the tinsel off a restaurant’s tree.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 27, 2015
Because they won’t just be ruining your tree this holiday season.
2. Is it that obvious?
You can tell how tall a person’s children are by the concentration of Christmas ornaments on their tree
— 🎄🌴EnvyDaTropic™🌴⛄ (@envydatropic) November 28, 2016
You can follow them around and obsessively direct their ornament placement or you can accept that everything will be at the 3-foot level this year.
3. Oh look, Mommy’s eye is twitching.
Not right now, sweetie. Mommy’s losing her shit trying to turn this house into a Winter Wonderland.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 27, 2016
‘Tis the season to try and one-up your friends on Instagram decorating all the things and exhausting yourself into several glasses of wine and absolutely no joy whatsoever!
How to Decorate a Christmas Tree with Kids:
1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 30, 2016
They’ve crushed a bunch of your hopes and dreams already — why stop there?
5. You thought the toddler years were bad.
Decorating the house with Christmas carols on full blast so my neighbors can’t hear me yelling at my kids to “GET OFF YOUR PHONES AND HELP.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 28, 2016
They’re finally old enough to actually be helpful and now they’re too cool to help? Glad we spent five years wiping your asses, kids. Time to change the WiFi password.
6. Precious moments.
Made a fun new Christmas tradition where my toddler tries to help me decorate and I shout “DON’T TOUCH THAT IT’S FRAGILE!!!”
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) November 25, 2016
Creating such special memories for your child. Put that video on Instagram.
7. That’s convenient.
My kids licked circus animal cookies and stuck them to the front window so now I don’t have to decorate for Christmas.
— 🌟🎄Missy🎄🌟 (@MissyFRose) November 17, 2016
Maybe also hand them a roll of toilet paper to twirl around the banister. Go nuts.
8. The struggle is real.
The kids are asleep! Quick, go rearrange all the ornaments on the Christmas tree so they look less f*cked up!
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) November 28, 2016
After watching them hang every ornament on only one side of the tree, the urge to balance it out can be strong. If they notice? Blame it on the little red asshole.
9. Them little lights…they aren’t twinkling.
It’s ok Christmas lights, sometimes I stop working halfway through a job too.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 30, 2016
The fucking lights are the scourge of dads all over the country this time of year. Sorry, bros.
10. Desperate times.
“No honey, the way you are clumping all those ornaments together at the bottom of the tree makes baby Jesus cry.”
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 30, 2016
Even Baby Jesus won’t judge you for invoking His name for the sake of your perfectly decorated Christmas tree.
11. If only.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) November 27, 2016
Dads be retreating to the garage with a giant ball of tangled bubs like, “See you in January.”
12. There’s no forgiving glitter.
My wife bought a bunch of Christmas ornaments covered with glitter. I’m going to try to make the relationship work for the children.
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 30, 2013
A wise man once said, “glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” I rest my case.
13. Good luck.
Playing the annual game of “Try Not to End Up in Divorce Court or the ER.” Otherwise known as hanging exterior Christmas lights.
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) November 27, 2016
Speaking of reasons to end a marriage. Have your lawyer on speed dial!
14. The absolute worst.
Decorating for Christmas would be so much more fun if I could stop thinking about how un-fun it’s gonna be to un-decorate.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) November 30, 2016
Enjoy it while it lasts. January will be here before we know it. Happy decorating!