Genuinely Productive Naptime Activities

You have all your kids napping at the same time? Lucky you. Before you get out the Swiffer or try to scrape lunch off your toddler’s highchair, let’s examine some other possible uses of this glorious, childfree interlude. Because you know if you really scrub that highchair, you’re just increasing the odds that your kid vomits on it later—or worse.

1. Go through photos of your kid’s babyhood.

You know what makes you feel less annoyed at your whining, hitting toddler? Watching cute videos of her babbling when she was four-months-old. It also makes you want another baby though, so watch out.

2. Organize your makeup.

Divide it into: never wear, never going to wear, and mascara. Throw out everything in the first two categories. By the time you wear makeup again, that stuff will be growing mold spore colonies.

3. Consider preparing dinner in advance.

After consideration, decide that it’s more spontaneous and fun to throw some crap together in 5 minutes when your kids complain that they’re hungry, like usual.

4. Send your husband a loving text message.

Like, “Please pick up cereal on your way home.” Well, it’s loving compared to the usual “Hey what happened to the cereal??? U didn’t eat it did u???? I told you Sophie stopped eating anything but Cheerios!!!! ☹ ☹”

5. Watch trailers of On Demand movies.

Who can afford to watch entire On Demand movies at $16.99 a pop? Besides, you can piece together the plot from watching 3 minutes: boy meets girl, they fall in love, they get married, and then children destroy their sanity and sex life. Or something.

6. Facebook stalk the mom in the park that you want to befriend.

If you find out where she went to college and what bands she likes, you can predict with greater accuracy if she’ll be into you. Just remember not to mention that you know she likes Dashboard Confessional in your first conversation.

7. Google your maladies.

That bump on your foot is probably something horrible. Wouldn’t you rather know all the possibilities and not just wait till the doctor tells you it’s a wart? Don’t worry, you’ll never stay up all night envisioning worst case scenarios and how you would function as an amputee.

8. Look through old emails between you and your husband.

Boy, look at all that sexual innuendo! That reminds you, you should probably have sex this month, if you could just get the kids to sleep through the night. Also, if you could locate your libido.

9. Eat a healthy snack.

Like five handfuls of nuts and some dark chocolate. What? No, you definitely read that a portion of nuts is five handfuls. Well, it said one but you figured that was a typo, because what if you’re small boned? That’s like 8 nuts. And dark chocolate is healthy, goddamn it. What is this, the snack police?

Aww, isn’t he cute? Like a sleeping angel. Wait, what the hell did he do in his crib? Is his diaper off? Where is Elmo’s head? WHAT IS ON THE WALL? Goddamn it, you knew that day drinking should have been on this list.