Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
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Amy Issadore Bloom is a teacher, writer, and blogger. She is a founder and contributor to First Person: Narratives from the Classroom for the Virginia Journal of Education. Amy lives in Washington, D.C. with her husband and toddler. You can find her at www.bloomindc.com.
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We had just arrived at Nana’s 90th birthday party when Cousin Harriet walked right up to me, and declared, “you’re Amy. I got a note from you. Yoooouu’re late!”
I expected the party in Florida to be like an episode of Seinfeld, but this blew me away. Someone so concerned with the etiquette of thank you cards should have known that this was not the way to initiate a polite conversation, especially with someone you hadn’t seen in twenty years.
I was happy to inform her that my son was now already a year old, and she should have received my card many months ago. But, I felt bad that I had to call attention to my sister-in-law, who was apparently a little tardy with some of her notes. Tara went back to work when her son was only eight weeks old, and she still continued nursing and pumping around the clock.
I knew she felt pressure to get those notes out, and while the comment astounded me; I could tell it bothered Tara. Honestly though, who expects a timely card from a new mother, especially a first time mother?
All new mothers (even the super organized ones) are overwhelmed and exhausted. We’re taking care of a new life, while attempting to maintain a “normal” relationship with our spouse. Most of us are just trying to keep our shit together, to fight off the depression and irritability that comes after the birth.
And still, for so many of us, those damn thank you cards sit like a nagging old aunt. They get moved from To-do lists to To-Do Soon lists to To-Do Sometime This Year lists.
I believe that we need to rewrite the rules of gift giving if we have any hopes of keeping our priorities and sanity in order. Here are some simple rules:
• Gift giving should be an act of kindness. Don’t expect anything in return.
• New mothers get a pass on writing thank you notes.
• If you get any sort of thank you, accept it graciously. This means a phone call, a photo card, a typed note, an email, or even a thank you relayed through another relative.
• Gifts for new babies should either make a baby happy, make them look cute, or make life easier for new parents. We don’t care if your neighbor spends the same amount of money you spent on their grandchild. Nor do we care about creating a registry that is ideal for a certain price point of gift giving.
• Shipping and tracking methods have improved greatly over the years. Assume the gift arrived safely. Let’s be optimists, people. There are plenty of other things to worry about.
• If you bring a small gift to a birthday party specifically requesting “no gifts please,” accept the verbal thank you as your thank you card.
• Never reprimand a mother for something as petty as a late thank you card-especially when you’re family.
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
Great tips!
Everyone should read this and give some slack on the “thanking”
I agree : )
Who would do that?
Older people can be so funny!
I agree with this whole-heartedly! I had a mother-in-law situation in which she told me “I had better get the notes to the other side of the family or they would be done with me.” Done with me?! My child was 1 month old for Chrissakes and they planned a shower AFTER his birth. A topic that needs updated etiquette lessons, for sure.
Amen, I got so much grief for that, it sucked feeling bad that it had taken me a bit to get the out with a new baby. I think that this list should be distributed to all family when the pregnancy is announced.
It’s such a challenging time, and we tend to feel guilty about a lot of motherhood things anyway.
This is so on point for me. I have a one year old…sorry, 13 1/2 month old, to be specific, and I haven’t got all the thank you cards out or the baby announcements. However, I thought of putting a new twist by putting pictures of her along the way along with the birth announcement. Some say that I’m being a bit ridiculous and late, but I don’t care. I survived a year and I think that is the best way for me to show my love and appreciation for making it through this year unscathed. Thank you for writing this. I don’t feel so guilty anymore. I just need to go ahead and get them out so I don’t feel that weight any longer. I so needed this. THANKS!
Hi Nikwai – You have a year-old? Congrats! If it makes you feel any better, my son is 19 mos. old & I never did get those birth announcements out. Or ordered, even. Which I feel bad about, but I have been sending pics to family & friends just lately. I think sending out an announcement with pics at around 1 year of age is a great idea! -Heather
Hi Amy – Thanks so much for writing this – you are so right! – Heather
Argh! Thank you cards are such an antiquated thing! I only send them to my husband’s grandma and aunt, because they’re the type of people who pee themselves when they don’t get one. Everybody else, I just make sure to love them and thank them for everything they bring to our lives all the time so they’ll know we’ll thankful without a stupid card.
This post is so on-point. As I was just saying the other day, we need to BE GENTLE with one another. And let’s assume the best of people and not the worst. Let’s all know that gifts are given in love and let’s receive them in love. I do like to send thank you cards, and I have family members who have even reprimanded me for that! You can’t win!
“Gifts for new babies should either make a baby happy, make them look cute, or make life easier for new parents.” Amen! A family member showed up with a large live plant when my son was a couple of weeks old. I was desperately trying to keep a new person alive–the plant never had a chance!
Also, I am SO impressed when a new mom sends a thank you note!
I just got thank you notes done for my son who is 8 weeks old. It seemed like he had a thank you note radar; Every.Single.Time. I got ready to write the notes he would have a meltdown. I always feel so obligated to send the notes, but I loathe writing them. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the gift, because I do, it’s just that it takes sooo long to get them done.
Like Mel, I’ve actually gotten flack for sending thank-you’s before. My in-laws were surprised to get them after gifts and whatnot and said you don’t send thank-you’s to family. So it seems like you can’t win because it is hard to know what other people expect anymore.
I say do what you feel good about, be it sending cards or emails or doing nothing (I’ll add that new mothers get a pass, but IMO you should at least acknowledge gifts from others. Sometimes people are offended by gifts and if all there is is silence, it can cause anxiety) and make peace with the fact that no matter what you do, half the people you deal with will be able to find some kind of fault if that is their desire.
Oh, and someone correcting your etiquette is an obvious boor; Ms. Manners has said for a thousand years that no one but your mother can correct your manners. Anyone who violates this rule is displaying their own lack of manners. But of course, you can’t tell them that. Vicious circle, that.
Oh, and my sister has asked that she and I have a blanket exemption – no thank you cards between us, ever. The rounds of cards between our houses could be ridiculously endless otherwise.
A-to-the-MEN! Even though I’d given all of the first child’s baby things away and had moved to a new area with new friends, I wholly rejected all baby shower offers (we got punk’d with a surprise shower, anyway). We got the notes done quickly, but I cringed every time I sat down to write one.
Amen! I will sign the petition to get these new rules into effect immediately!!
Thank you.
hey, dads with hands can write ‘thank you’ cards.
my sister-in-law is from another culture — she was surprised when my mom urged ‘thank yous’ for the bridal shower/wedding gifts…but not too concerned saying ‘we don’t do that in Moscow’… this of course made my mom spastic…. so I did them for her….SIL didn’t really care but it calmed down mom. geesh.
BTW ‘thank yous’ from kids birthday parties for gifts that were received during the party with the giver present SHOULD NOT REQUIRE A THANK YOU.. if you send one then I will assume you are a ‘poser’ and have way too much time on your hands.
@cate8… I couldn’t agree more about thank you notes from kids birthday parties!! I should begin by saying I suck at getting out thank you notes. But my sister-in-laws write have written their notes the night of the party for all four kids since they turned one. (My nieces and nephews are now 7,7,4,3) Really? You don’t have more to do? Like play with your kids new toys?
Couldn’t say it more perfectly even if I had time to write it all down! I think it wasn’t until my son was 4 months old that I even bought the thank you cards and now at 6 months they still sit in the nicely packaged plastic I bought them in. I also love the Thank You card gift I got a my baby shower…is this already a hint to me that I need to start as soon as I finish opening all the gifts. I have every intentions of sending Thank You cards but it maybe at my son’s graduation! Love the article!
Thank you, Lady Di. I look forward to his graduation. By then, I will expect a thank you card from your son though ;-)
New moms should get a pass! If people are really worried about the gift having arrived or if it was some priceless object sent through the mail in an envelope, they should call the person to be sure. Otherwise wait a year, it may be there and with a lovely photo!
I think we should always take the time to say thank you and value when someone gives us something. Our new society has forgotten the value of saying thank you. I guess my message is to make the time.
Agree completely. We take the time to do so many other “important” things, being gracious should be one of them.
We often forget to thank people in our daily life – the custodians at work, the mail carriers out in this insane heat, and countless others. That should be our focus, not receiving a card from a gift you sent for a baby.
I agree with this 100%!!! I say “thank you” for all the gifts I get or my children get when you’re standing there watching us open it. Consider this your “thank you” card. I truly appreciate the gift, I do, but of you give a gift with the expectation that you are going to receive a “thank you” card, honestly I would rather you not get me a gift at all. Giving a gift is not about the kudos you get for giving it. I have never expected or even given a second thought to receiving a “thank you” card for any gift I’ve ever given. People have enough going on in their lives to sit and fill out “thank you” cards. I will respect your time enough to not expect one, please respect mine in return.
My daughter was 6 weeks early and actually came to her baby shower with me. I was delusional…seriously you should see the video. Anyway, a month or so after the shower I was getting “nagged” by a few of the ole betties in my family about thank you notes. I was like “wait I had a baby shower” then I was like “ok why don’t you come over and watch the baby, breastfeed every hour or so, clean all the poopy diapers for a couple hours while I do thank you notes” I pretty much lost it. It was really frustrating as a new mom…good news once the second one rolled around people learned not to bug me that they will get their freakin notes when I am good and ready :)
It seems a good gift for a new mom would be thank you card writing;-)
What a fantastic idea! I actually enjoy writing – perhaps I could start a business outsourcing that service?
When my cousin and his wife were having a baby, our family had a small shower for them. I went in on a gift with my grandma and aunt, but ironically I was the only one who received a thank you card (ironic because I really didn’t care but my grandma held it against her for YEARS). My best guess was the gift card was in my handwriting and I clearly picked it out and wrapped it (what can I say, I gots style). Perhaps the designated gift-writer down person messed up, who knows. I never asked her. I tried to take a hit and suggested perhaps the card was meant for all of us and I didn’t read it clearly…but regardless, my grandma and aunt were not about to let it go.
When I had to write cards for my shower, it was frustrating. I couldn’t remember who had given what and even reading the notes didn’t always help. I made my best guesses and hoped that people wouldn’t hold something petty like that against an absent-minded pregnant woman.
I can’t believe she would have said something! I completely agree with you that if you care so much about thank you cards you shouldn’t be so rude as to bring it up at a party that you received yours late.
I totally agree. Even though I don’t have any kids yet I do have a lot of niece and nephews I buy presents for. I never expect a thank you card. If I get one, I appreciate it but honestly, it goes in the trash the second after I read it. Save some trees, send me an email, text message or other form of electronic message if you really have the need to thank me in a “formal” manner.
Oh, I’m glad I’m not the only one who tosses thank you cards right away!
Amen!!! Especially the one where gifts should make baby happy, cute, or make life easier for mom. My mom was an angel! After the birth of my daughter (now 6 1/2 wks), Mom bought me a whole bunch of disposable dishes & silverware. (We don’t have a dishwasher & I’m the only one that does dishes in this house of now 7 people.) It was a HUGE help to have only the dishes I cooked dinner to clean!!!
It is difficult to get those thank you cards out! I agree completely as a working mother of a 4 year old and 15 month old. However, I think that there are so many things that we take the time to do daily that are less important than expressing gratitude for being in the thoughts of others! Checking FB, Twitter, blogging, reading the news, whatever – there are so many other things that could be ignored for a while. Thank you notes are an expression of gratitude and I think that these little expressions are important in a society that is more me, me, me oriented daily! Writing these in some form, even in email is a great example to our children of being considerate and thoughtful. I think that these values are important to teach to my kids and when my 4 year old has receive thank-yous for gifts or other things from friends and family, it’s made him feel pretty good.
I agree that we should teach our children how to show appreciation. Hand-made cards are always a winner. My point is that new mothers get an exemption on all things etiquette related.
I would highly encourage “reading the news” over writing thank you cards, especially if you’ve already given your verbal appreciation. Staying educated, aware, and capable of conversing over things besides breast feeding and diaper brands is crucial.
My baby turns a year old this month. I guess that makes me really late on sending out all those thank you cards. Oh wait, I wasn’t planning to! :-) Seriously, if there’s anytime when a woman doesn’t want to deal with thank you cards, it’s when she’s sleep deprived, breastfeeding, and cleaning up poopy blowout diapers!
I like these rules. They make me happy. I actually did write out thank you cards for and verbally thanked every person who attended a baby shower (i had 2) or gave gift. I magically had them done by the time my baby was 1 month old. But then just could not find the time or energy to get to a post office for friggin’ stamps! Then I lost the cards. I gave up.
Isn’t that always the way it goes? Just when you feel on top of things, something throws it all of. You should get points for your effort.
I’m in the “thank-you’s are still a good idea” camp. Especially if the person wasn’t there to see you open the gift. If they were there, then I’d say you have a pass (if you thanked them in person).
It really is the right thing to do. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or wordy. “Dear (insert old bitty’s name here): Thank you for the (insert gift here). We appreciate your thoughtfulness and generosity. Love, (insert your names here).”
But I will say: if etiquette states you have one year after a WEDDING to get the thank-you’s out, then you should have at least a year to do so for a baby ;) I am a total nerd and bought thank-you cards before my kids were born, so they were ready to go.
I did a lot of e-thank you’s for people whose email addresses I had – in the spirit of “going green.” And, as someone pointed out previously, I was online anyways ;) But for those whose emails I didn’t have, I sent the thank you’s.
My mom always includes a note on her cards with gifts that says “no thank you needed.” People appreciate that, too.
For our graduation parties (and I do think this is tacky!), my mom created little “thank you scrolls” and had me hand them out as I greeted people. It caught on and a lot of families do this in our area now. For people not at my party – she kept a list of what was sent to me and I sent thank-you’s. I also sent thank-you’s to those who helped at my party, and to the special people that deserved it (like, the very distant relative who not only showed up to my party but gave me like $50 or something totally unexpected and generous!).
This is a great article. I am one of those crazy people who does the whole thank-you card thing. I actually get nervous and convince myself that I am an ungrateful brat if I don’t. lol
But, I definately agree that new Mom’s should get a free pass. I mean its just too much to expect, when somenone’s whole world is about to (or has already been) completely turned in to utter chaos.
I did send out cards for my baby gifts, but I was on bed rest for two months before he was born. I mean, seriously, what else was I supposed to do while lying on my left side for nearly 8 weeks.
Thank you cards seem horribly cyclical. You receive a gift and thank the person. Then you send them a thank you card, forcing the gift giver to phone the card sender to thank them for the card. Plus, I’m lazy and thank you cards are too much work.
that’s why i don’t do family parties. grandma is likely to try to take somebody out with a turkey leg & empty bottle of jack. i’m generally tempted to shank somebody with my magic screwdriver the hubby gave me for valentine’s day (thus, i now shop for my own presents).
I agree! My father-in-law and his wife are psychotic about thank-you cards. It makes me angry, so guess what? The husband now deals with his own family thank you’s and I deal with mine. Lucky for me, my family doesn’t care about them!
This was hilarious. These day, she’s lucky she received a card at all. Most folks send ecards, emails, or a “Hey, thanks for the gift” call.
I know that as a church who brings meals to new moms and people coming home from the hosp- it is made clear that it is a “No thank you card” gift.
just to take the pressure off them (and the giver so they are not expecting a card).
its also encouraged to use disposable dishes :)
Pass for new moms? Gag me.
Most showers are before the baby is born. Yes, there is a lot to do before the baby comes but really, go home, watch your husband unload the car and write the notes. Send them the next day. You’re done. Have your baby, your sleepless nights and when you do sleep, do it soundly knowing you thanked people for their thoughtfulness.
There is a very “entitled” feeling about life-events these days. Baby showers, bridal showers, weddings etc etc. People *plan on* NOT buying certain things “knowing” they’ll get it at the shower. I chose to reproduce, I chose to provide for my kids. I don’t count on the kindness of others to provide for me or my family. If loved ones feel the need to graciously spend their money in these hard times on ME – the least I can do is take a minute to thank them.
Get your priorities in order people….we are so spoiled!
Gag me? That seems a tad harsh. (Had you included “with a spoon” it would have been a funny throw-back to my eighties childhood). Yes, yes, some people have become self absorbed and ungrateful. But, this is written to defend those mothers who could not physically and emotionally function at full speed after the birth. If they are delayed in sending out some thank you cards, nobody should make them feel bad about it. Ditto if they just forget about the note entirely.