Having a girl is hard. I mean, mine isn’t even six yet; she’s years away from puberty, and it’s still hard…
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I have issues with food. I am beginning a diet for the 397th time on Monday. The Monday after Thanksgiving, as I have every year that I can recall. I aspire to again fit into my skinny-ish jeans. Not the skinny jeans that I wore in college or the even skinnier ones I wore the months leading up to my wedding, but the skinny-ish ones I wore after I had Evan. Before that, I was at my smallest weight ever months during the months after Ben was born. His hospital fridge was stocked with Enfmail and Slimfast. I was motivated. I was ready. And I got there, but just couldn’t maintain it. It’s actually the reason I went off of birth control pills; the notion of being able to eat again over-rod my fears of having another child. A year before that, I intentionally got pregnant with Ben to be pregnant during my college roommate’s wedding. Being the knocked up bridesmaid was far preferable to being the heaviest one.
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Lily refuses to wear flowy clothes. She claims they make her look “flat” and by “flat” she means “fat” and it’s tragic and funny all at once. She’s not even six years old for crying out loud.
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When I was about ten, I stole a candy bar from a supermarket. I clumsily shoved it in my pocket while an off duty security guard watched and reported it my parents who were mere feet away. I know they were concerned: What deep-seeded issues did I have? Did I need therapy? Have an eating disorder? What should they do? Nothing, I thought. I just wanted a fucking candy bar.
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Lily has been sneaking food from home. I find wrappers under the bed and smell chocolate on her breath. I see myself in her and it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to be like my parents and limit junk food so rigidly that it becomes an obsession, but I feel like she needs strong boundaries. She’s built like a dancer and probably will never have the issues with weight that I do, but I want to do right by her. I am determining a life-long relationship with food for her, and the responsibility overwhelms me.
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Being a girl is hard.
Having a girl is even harder.
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Ugh…I have no answers. I completely keep the fashion magazines out of the house. I don’t want her thinking people actually look that way. She’s 4, I don’t want her thinking about it at all.
That said, she came home from preschool and said “Mommy, Cameron says Fiona is fat. Is Fiona fat?” They’re 4!!!
Nap Warden´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving!
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Add me to the list of mothers of girls who have eating disorders (me, not my daughter). I SHOULD be on my 397th diet, but I have absolutely no self-control so continue to get more and more overweight. I was excited to get pregnant the second time because I knew I lost weight after my first.
My daughter is four. I preach fruit and vegetables. I buy them. I eat them. But I eat everything else, too. I struggle because even if I don’t care enough about myself to keep myself healthy, I don’t want to be such a terrible role model. My daughter does not have the luxury of being built like a dancer. I see in her, already, the thighs, the bottom. She is perfect and not overweight, but I can already see the lines of the body she will have. And I want her to love it.
Yes, it is hard.
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We all struggle with these issues. I hate seeing myself in my daughters. I can only hope that they get some of the good qualities that I think I have instead of all the shitty ones – which sadly, they see every single day.
And don’t even get me going on body image and eating disorders.
My 10 year old has a muffin top and thick arms and legs and she doesn’t seem bothered by it. I, on the other hand, want her to be conscious of it and wear the right clothes that will hide those beautiful flaws. So you tell me, who has the disorder??
You are awesome and honest to write this about yourself and your little 6 year old.
thanks for sharing.
SWIRL GIRL´s last blog ..The One In Which She Says "Happy Things-giving!"
Twitter: swirlgirlspearl
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This so so awesome and honest, out there, real. What is awesome is that women and girls are given these UGLY images of skinny, unattainable sizes and perfection. The 18 inch waist and 34 inch bust, gross, and even if girls or women attain that size we have a distortion about our appearance. So the love hate with food. I know my son had issues with sneaking food….its scary, you are so afraid that they need to make the right choices and we try to teach them not by our example. Don’t beat yourself up….we do the best we can everyday with the tools we are given. ((HUGS))
Karie´s last blog ..Gifts for Her or Him: Cookware.com CSN Stores
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Wow. Reading things like this while having a girl is hard. I am having a REALLY hard time being overweight. I am at the heaviest I have ever been, and it kills me because right before I went on PPD meds, I lost ALL baby weight and then some. After my first, I was already back to my skinny-ish jeans. The other day my son told me I was a fattie. Not because he is mean-spirited, he is only 2. But it made me cringe as well.
Frugal Vicki´s last blog ..Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Potatoes!
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Yet another reason I am so happy to have only boys! I saw me grow up, definitely don’t want that. Eating disorders, worrying about what to wear….kids are mean but girls and downright cruel and evil!
I’m starting my “diet” on Monday too, I’m calling it, “I’m desperate to lose 15lbs before Christmas so I will eat nothing bad for me until then diet”
Good luck with your diet and your daughter!
Erin´s last blog ..ER’s no more, we hope!
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It is hard to be a girl and have a girl. I struggle with my weight and so does she. when she was six I used to find food, mostly snacks hidden in her room. It broke my heart and still does that she struggles with her weight. The hard part is being judged,my sister told me it’s a form of child abuse that my teen is over weight and I let her have sugar. I was crushed, you try to do the best for your children and love them no matter what. I try to be a good example but I think I would rather have a heavy teen that thinks she is skinny than a skinny teen that thinks she is fat. I limit our sweets in the house sometimes the only thing here is brown sugar so its not like the cupboard are over following wonka world. I really blame Starbucks and there invention of frappuccinos!
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We live in a society where women (and men) starve themselves to become the highly stylized and photo-shopped images they see on TV and in magazines. We hear that our bodies are to be loathed and not loved. It is simply SAD and I applaud you for speaking out on the pressure and difficulty that ALL women in Western society face. It starts much too young. But we, as mothers and women, need to tell our children how beautiful they are and encourage self-respect and confidence. And it is just as important that we tell that to ourselves, too. Because our daughters are watching and listening. And if we proclaim disgust at ourselves, they themselves may feel the same way. We are their mirrors. We cannot shatter them. Society will do enough damage as it is.
Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog´s last blog ..Foodie Friday: Thanksgiving ‘09 – The Verdict
Twitter: aintyomamasblog
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Love this post. So true about girls, and I have 4 so I like to think I know a thing or two or four!:) Just a word to the wise. Beware of the stealing food issue. My 9 year old has done this for years off and on. She is skinny as a rail and we have even had to try and get her to gain weight. Her issue is mainly sweets. We have never withheld them or been overly strict, but we have limited them and made her earn them by eating healthy. We have tried to show her that there is a balance. Our issue now is she has started stealing money. 2 weeks ago she took $30 out of my purse. She has no explanation as for why she did it. Bottom line, girls are scary and they become too obsessed with body image at much too young of an age. Just beware that food stealing doesn’t just turn into “other” stealing.
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That’s so true! I worry about the kind of role model I am for my 12-yr-old daughter and I think I might be making a right old hash of it! She adores all things sweet and it scares the pants off me that once she’s in control of exactly what she eats, she’s going to end up looking like Princess Fiona in Shrek…only less green
Muummmeeeee!´s last blog ..The Joy of Sex – hmmm….The Joy of Motherhood – not for the faint hearted…
Twitter: Muummmeeeee
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Great. Another thing to worry about in the long proces of screwing up my kids…
Lori Z.´s last blog ..Thankful Thursday
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This is a really difficult topic. I have two girls, and I decided never to say the word “diet” in front of them. I don’t want them to think they have to live a life of deprivation and self-punishment just because they want to eat ice cream. Instead, we have a sweet after dinner every day. Life is hard, but eating shouldn’t be…
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Signs of trouble
Twitter: forloveorfunny
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Totally agree that raising daughters is incredibly tough. I do think, however, that there are a lot more images of real women in the media so there is hope. The biggest thing we can do for our girls is to see with eyes of love — toward our own bodies as well as theirs. The goal should be healthy, and healthy should be beautiful. So should behavior. Ugliness is more than our external appearance. We are the ones who need to set the standards.
For me, I stopped commenting on my body when I overheard my 4 yo complaining about her big belly.
To help myself with body image, I clipped images from magazines (like Dove’s ads) and put them up on the walls for awhile so I could “get” that women’s bodies are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Also, I started looking around me at the women I interact with and am friends with. THOSE are my role models now. THOSE are who I compare myself with.
Am I loving? Am I kind? Am I a good person? Do I laugh? Do I give to others? These are the questions I ask when I look in the mirror. Those are the questions I hope my girls ask themselves.
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I agree 100%. Baby Girl already talks about not wanting to be fat and asks me questions about being fat. She hasn’t yet translated being fat into not eating healthy and not excercising, but I’m sure it won’t take her long.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Decorating the tree, Wordful Wednesday
Twitter: jwilliams057
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This hit really close to home. I don’t have kids, but I have been up and down the weight scale all my life.
It sounds like you have the right perspective on it though – strong boundaries, but nothing that will make her obsess.
Grey Street Girl´s last blog ..Blah
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I am trying so hard to help my daughters grow up with a healthy image. Coming from a house where mom was always dieting and 5 pounds made her sad, I refuse to let that happen here. I have a cousin who is 7 and she talks about being fat and exercising to get in shape, and it makes me so upset. Just try telling her how fun exercising is and how good it makes you feel. And how delicious fruits and veggies are. She’ll believe you and not see that they are meant to keep you skinny…just a natural part of being healthy.
LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving!
Twitter: mymessyparadise
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It’s so hard to find that balance isn’t it?
I struggled with bulimia in my 2o’s and still have terrible body image. I’ve never been skinny, my Grandparents used to affectionately say I was ‘pleasantly plump’.
Since having children, the youngest of whom os just 6 months, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. I’m struggling to find the will power to diet and the mirror is not kind.
I want to rid myself of these neurosis and teach both my children (1 boy and 1 girl) how to have a healthy relationship with food as I never want them to feel like I do.
Thank you for sharing such a thought provoking post and hell, while I’m here have a ((hug)).
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..The Bitterest Pill
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Great post. I think all you can do is healthily build up her self-esteem and confidence in herself. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do about societal influences (which are not only affecting our impressionable babies, but us too!). Hopefully, reminding her how beautiful she is will help that a bit.
Love your blog.
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It is so hard. Girls will learn more from watching their mother’s actual relationship with food than what we tell them about food/nutrition.
FitMommyNow´s last blog ..Back To Business
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I too got caught when I was little stealing a pack of lifesavers but then again I got caught doing everything I shouldn’t have been doing, my Karma is like that.
I don’t have girls but it is not so very different with boys, only they exert energy 24/7 which I guess helps them to be able to eat whatever they want.
Nevertheless, I try my best not to have any of that shit in our house. It is a constant struggle, especially when they go to their friends house and eat cheese dogs and rootbeer floats http://www.isdisnormal.com/2009/05/06/health-food/.
Jillian´s last blog ..The High Activity Level of Boys
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I was always small and skinny at 5′1. I was in a size 3 jeans 5 weeks after having my daughter. Now I fall between 115 and 120 and I’m happy for the most part. So I wasn’t surprised my daughter was just as skinny growing up. She ate well, could eat anything in sight and still wouldn’t put on weight.
Then in middle school it was a concious effort on her part, which scared the bejesus out of me and she ended up seeing a nutritionist recommended by her dr. That lasted for 2 years. She hid uneaten food under her bed in her closet, she wasn’t eating in school. I had to actually pull her out of lunch and sit and eat with her to make sure she ate. I was heart sick when we went shopping for sneakers and she asked me, “Do they make my feet look fat?” These were shoes for gosh sakes.
Now she’s married and still skinny, but there isn’t anything like those previous years. Finally she’s healthy.
You do have to begin early with a healthy eating mindset. As hard as it is raising a girl, I believe your mom instincts will kick in and you’ll know when eating becomes a problem. (Hugs)Indigo
Indigo´s last blog ..The Time Thug
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My husband told me months after our son was born that he was glad we didn’t have a girl. He was terrified I would transfer my deep rooted body image issues to our daughter.
Having a girl is really, really, hard. I can only imagine.
Great post.
jodifur´s last blog ..Shoe Friday #56
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I know exactly what you mean. I have it a little easier because I have boys, but I still worry about their relationship with food. I’m starting my 397th diet on Tuesday. First of the month and all.
Stimey´s last blog ..Happy Turkey Day!
Twitter: Stimey
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Having and being a girl with weight issues SUCKS! there is no doubt about it. I see it in my 4 year old already and it BREAKS my heart. What to do is a whole other matter. Restrict, indulge, ignore, obsess, its all wrong. We talk a lot about how everyone is different and perfect in our own ways.
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It’s hard to know what’s right, especially when you are struggling with weight issues yourself. It would be so much easier if we could just love ourself as is; and enjoy our life now and not when we “lose that 5 (10, 15, or 50) pounds.
Brandy´s last blog ..Gobble, Gobble
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My weight does not bother me as much as my face does. And you cannot change your face much, regardless of what Sephora would like you to believe. My nose? Will always be huge and hideous. My hair? Will always be flat and lifeless that no perm could ever save. My cheeks? Always fat and round.
I am not sure which is worse, hating something you can change and feeling frustrated with yourself, or hating something you cannot change and feeling simply helpless.
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As a mom of four little girls, I TOTALLY get what you are saying. It’s so hard to maintain a healthy balance and shielding them from a world that is screaming such unhealthy messages is overwhelming. I think, as moms, we have to keep at it though. You are doing a great job and the fact that you are so aware is an amazing testament to what a fantastic mother you are.
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I have a 10-yr-old girl. She has always been the smallest in her class, she’s petite and was still wearing her kindergarten school uniform in third grade with the hem let down! Now she is in fifth grade, and she’s gotten a little pudgy. A little bit of a belly. I think it’s the “loading up” before a growth spurt, and when the spurt in height kicks in, she’ll be fine. But she is now obsessed about her belly. It makes me so sad. Yet I also do want her to be conscious of her body and what she eats – her true love is junk food. While I hate that she is obsessing over her “belly fat” at age 10, I also like the idea of her putting the brakes on her junk food to some extent on her own as opposed to me always harping on it. Yet I don’t want to feed her obsession with “fat” either. It’s difficult. I have two older girls that survived their teens without any body image issues. Of course I wasn’t going to make it out of the parenting game without having to deal with it eventually!
Shana´s last blog ..Let us give thanks…
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I have been trying to post about this issue since I began blogging. I have probably 20 drafts about it. But I CAN’T. I don’t know why. I’m just too close to it and just so very scared. Terrified to the point that when I even think about it, I feel a strong urge to vomit.
Thank you for your courage and the openness to speak about it. I’m standing behind you, in your shadow, knowing just how you feel.
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..And now it’s all about retail…update!
Twitter: thekitchwitch
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Oh sweetheart. I’ve been the fat sister going on 24 years. It’s hard. I know more than most. I had a meltdown over jeans on Friday. But one thing I may suggest (and I don’t have girls so this is just a suggestion from a fat kid) is to not tell her about your diet. Tell her you’re trying to get healthy because that should be your ultimate goal anyway. Exercise and balanced eating will help her see it all in a healthy way. My mom never talked to me about weight, only to tell me that I just had “baby fat” (yeah at 16) and that I was beautiful. That was great but I think we need to talk to our kids about issues (even at 6, she’ll understand healthy) – shoot, someday I’ll probably have to talk to my boys about weight. I know my 2-year-old is a chubby little fella now and I know he’ll go through a stage where he’ll be chunkier just like his dad and just like me. :)
S Club Mama´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving (a little late)
Twitter: sclubmama
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So true, being a girl is hard! I remember riding home in the car from a long day of middle school and looking over at my mom’s legs. It was the first time I noticed that hers didn’t flub out and take up nearly as much room as my legs did. She was obsessed with her weight, and I remember thinking that if she needed to be concerned about her skinny self, what the hell was I was going to do about me? I am 31 now and still struggle with it.
On the bright side, if you’re looking for an excuse to eat, Lily might appreciate being the skinny one. ;)
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My issues with eating got a lot less disordered and a lot more healthy when I realized that I’m going to be a size 16 and weigh 200 lbs no matter what I do. If your body bounces back to a very specific weight every time, there may be a legit reason for that. I believe it’s possible to be fat & fit & attractive all at the same time, and that thinness isn’t an appropriate measure of “health” no matter what the mainstream media says. I’m happy I hit this stage before I had any daughters because I can directly attribute my earlier obsession with my weight to growing up with a mother who disparaged her own in my hearing constantly. Aforementioned mother has actually jumped on the body acceptance bandwagon as well; I haven’t heard her call herself a “water buffalo” in like a year & a half now! :D
Check it out: you might find something you like.
http://the-f-word.org/blog/
http://kateharding.net/ (<–the first post here is especially timely)
http://www.bfdblog.com/
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First time reading your blog, and I got to say, you’re a good writer. As far as deep-seated issues is concerned, life is hard — and we’re all in danger of becoming our parents. Sad but true.
But from a man’s perspective, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, and weight is sometimes unrelated to beauty. Sometimes, I ask my fiancee, “Why can’t you see yourself the way I see you?” And the truth is, she’ll never understand because she will never comprehend the joy she provokes in me.
Nietzsche once said, “The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness”. Eating disorders are an excess. I just wish women were able to see the inherent joy they create in their significant others’ lives.
Christopher Trottier´s last blog ..hello friend!
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I hear ya. But I’m dealing with hormones, pouting and moodiness… in my 4 yr old. Gah!
The thing is, they learn by watching. They watch what we do. So, we’re screwing them up purely by the fact that we’re screwed up. :P So when I go on a diet, I call it “getting healthy.” And I try not to use the word fat in her presence.
Every time I go on a diet, I get pregnant, which sucks for 2 reasons. Or 3. 1. I now have 4 children. The thought of having more seems to be a real detering factor to dieting. 2. Pregnancy hormones really sabotage a diet. 3. My boobs don’t need to get any longer.
Good luck. I might start Monday too. (And by that statement you can see how successful I’m going to be.)
All My Monkeys´s last blog ..Anti-climactic
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Ohh that is awful–I used to steal potato chips from the kitchen and hide them under my sisters bed. Thirty years later I still play weird food games.
I dont have any suggestions for you other than to not make it a big deal to her or she will hide more
paige´s last blog ..Only in my world
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Oh girl, I hear you.
Every day thoughts of my body and food consume my thoughts. I obsess and concern over this and that when I look in the mirror.
And it makes me so sad that I spend so much time over something so insignificant.
I was scared to death when I found out I was having a girl…still am…and I just hope that I either get my shizz together or that she never picks up my own issues.
Ugh.
Summer´s last blog ..Holiday How-To….
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I read an old journal the other day, in which I had written
“I weighed in at 132 lbs today and I’m only 4 months pregnant. I swear to god, if I gain another pound I’ll morph into Jaba the Hut”.
I wanted to jump in a time machine and travel back to that day just to punch myself in the face. 3 kids later I would give anything today to be as small as I was when I was 4 months pregnant then.
I have 3 teenage daughters… need I say more?
My heart goes out to you.
Jennifer June´s last blog ..Dear cyst, please forgive me for aborting you.
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I totally agree that it is hard to be a girl and even harder to raise one.
I also have a 5 yr. old daughter and she has told me at times that she is fat – far from the truth. Most of the time I can’t keep her pants up unless she wears a belt. Or she’ll say that her legs are fat. It scares me also, but I’m not sure what to do other than to reassure her that she is not fat and try to help her choose healthy snacks but that the occasional “junk” is ok for her.
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Thank you all so much for the comments.
Was worried about how I’d feel about this post in the morning, but I’m still glad I wrote it. Sad that these issues bind us all together, but they do. It’s comforting.
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xoxo… thinking of you.
nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..umm…
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Being a irl is SO hard and I am already nervous about Sophia too. SHe says she is ugly because her has not really grown yet and he says that her friend’s belly is not round like hers. She is 3 for heaven’s sake and she wants to be skinny with long blonde hair! I too hope that she does not struggle like I did. I am going to breastfeed this coming baby and exercise until I am skinny again. That is my plan. Hope it works and that it doesn;t seem like I am trying too hard in front of Sophia. She is a gorgeous little girl!
My mom just left and while she was here she said she was sorry to tell me but it gets worse. Much worse!
Good luck!
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..A Whole New Miles
Twitter: mommywords
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This is my biggest fear–body issues. We try and keep Barbie away. I try really hard to never say anythign derogatory about my own body, and we don’t make a big deal out of food. Of course, my girls are still very young. I know that this ugly little issue will come up before it’s all said and done. Great post. I’m glad you wrote it. :)
Sara´s last blog ..Saturday Night Art Show
Twitter: SaraPlaysHouse
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Great post. I have boys, so I don’t have to worry about girls, but it was so true for me! That’s starting young though….
Tamara´s last blog ..My Friend, The Neti Pot
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So very well said. And sadly, the very reason why I’m so thankful I have two boys. If I ever have a girl, I may actually panic and sell her or something.
What can you do? Teach her to have the same common sense that you know is right, and help her when she starts saying more things like she thinks she’s fat. At the end of the day, she needs to understand that she will always be beautiful to you, and she needs to see that beauty in herself.
Mind you, I suppose I could spout crap since I got the (supposedly) easier route with 2 boys and all. And a mom (me) who feels king-size super-fat every. Freakin’. Day.
Jay´s last blog ..One for the (fucktards on the) Road
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I always love your honesty in your writings & posts. I’m not a mom, but I’m fairly certain you have your shit together and how to deal with this all. It is so hard being a girl in this day and age indeed. It took me almost 30 years to realize it’s ok to be chubby. 30 years mind you!
dawn´s last blog ..sweet potato muffins stuffed w/ cinnamon-mascarpone
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I have so many thoughts and opinions on this… But the very basic rule I made when I found out that I was pregnant with a girl was that I’d NEVER again complain about my weight or refer to myself as fat (at least not if she can hear me).
I think modeling has a lot to do with it too. So it probably helps to model good eating habits. But beyond that…I guess everyone has to decide what kind of food rules work best for their child – some may do better with firm rules and others not so much…
Maybe taking the focus away from weight and size is the most important thing we can do. By doing everything we can to make our girls feel smart and talented and encouraging them to prioritize activities in which they excel will give them the self worth they need to survive the teen years feeling as normal-sized as possible. Because there is NOTHING we can do about the influence of their friends and media role models who will trump our “but you’re beautiful” arguments every time.
Twitter: BigPieceofCake
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i could have written this post.
i started weight watchers again, for the millionth time. 3 weeks ago.
my daughters are so weight conscious. it makes me sick because of how thin they are. and it scares me because i had an eating disorder.
i totally could have written this post!!
Twitter: rockdrool
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And while it’s just a start I’m thankful for the Dove ad campaign and their commitment to help girls with self – image (check out their website). It’s a small gesture but maybe others will join the bandwagon.
Jane´s last blog ..Black Friday Is Worth Every Penny And Then Some
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happy sunday! godbless!
marielle´s last blog ..Camera Critters #1
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Being a girl/woman IS hard. And body image only scratches the surface. I actually had a very close aunt who died because of bulimia/alcoholism when she was in her early thirties. BUT I still constantly think about my weight. It’s sick.
And this is just ANOTHER reason I’m glad I didn’t have a girl!
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