Jessica Dallas wrote about longing to go back to work at Being a Stay at Home Mom. This post serves as a follow up. You can find her blogging regularly at the Sexy Mama Manifesto.
I guess I’d be kidding myself if I thought all my life’s ills would be solved by the simple solution of returning to work. It’s interesting to me how “career” has been positioned in my brain as the alpha and omega of female autonomy when it can quickly become another source of enslavement. Long hours, low pay, lack of appreciation… Is it better to be enslaved to someone you love (me as a full-time mom to a toddler) or someone you hate? Better to have your life constricted by someone you hardly know or one you know too well?
So all these questions led me to the big search- to find a job I didn’t hate. I was looking for something that was flexible enough to allow for my big mouth and need to occasionally take my child to a doctor’s appointment. Something that didn’t deplete my willingness to write so completely that my creative interests suffered. Something that didn’t pin me like a specimen to a mounting board, squirming.
The unfortunate part being that it just ain’t your typical 9 to 5, this dream job of mine.
And in the big search I’ve found myself pretty ticked because I feel like I work hard enough already. I’ve got a start-up business on the side, I’m raising a little guy, nurturing a marriage… Why can’t my world speed up already? Why do I have to assume another responsibility in the name of money?
And just when you think things can’t get any more complicated they do. That’s what snot is for.
My little guy, Spike, went to the local daycare center for the first time last week to test the waters. Well, honestly it was more for me-as-mom to test the waters. As I was dropping him off, feeling sorry for myself, the 19 year old child care worker said to me, “It’s always harder for the moms than it is for the kids.”
Yes, Spike was just fine climbing into the toy bin head first. The child was completely capable of trying to kill himself at daycare just as he does at home but it was a different experience for me.
I felt like shrieking obscenities very close to Ms. Perfect Childcare Worker’s ear because what I’m feeling isn’t just typical mommy guilt, it’s the real deal mommy self hatred.
I’m feeling horribly in my guts because I want to leave my son in order to find my version of autonomy. I’ve been told that normal mothers don’t feel this way. Normal mothers don’t want to leave their children. Normal mothers don’t feel trapped by the 24 hour demands of 2 small hands and 2 teensy feet. They recognize that childhood isn’t forever and give themselves the space to enjoy it.
And in the midst of all of this tumult, this downpour of sob induced snot on my part, I head home to prepare for the big interview for the new gig and cry a little more.
I get it out of my system, per se, go to the new job, do alright, get invited back for a second interview. I accept. I run over to the daycare to pick up Spike (late of course, it’s a 30 minute drive) and find that same child care worker with the ears that demand shrieking. I retrieve my son from her with an evil eye because now my son’s returning home with the same treat I did earlier.
A long, sinewy string-o-snot. His looks a bit green though, which means it’s an infection.
The lil bugger got a cold from his first day at daycare with Ms. Perfect Child Care Worker.
I grab my little buddy, grab my diaper bag, grab my purse’s contents which have spilled all over the floor (Spike’s new favorite activity), and make a beeline for the door.
I look like a Hot Motherly Mess.
“See you next week,” says Ms. Perfect.
“Thanks for the snot,” I say sweetly.
And Spike decides to take this opportunity to start crying because the Universe demands more chaos. Snot streaming down his face, kicking his legs as I put him in his car seat, he howls because he doesn’t feel well and he’s not getting his own way.
When you’re little and you’re sick you have no clue that the sickness eventually passes. You don’t stay sick forever, in truth, but when you’re a tot you don’t have that kind of wisdom filed away yet.
And I think, hmmmm… How eerily similar the two of us are.
When I’m feeling unfulfilled professionally and emotionally I think that it’s going to last forever… I think that there’s no end in site, that it is unending. It quite simply isn’t true. That’s fear talking.
Moms don’t have to get the short end of the stick. There’s value in navigating your own sense of balance.
We will be just fine as we try not to snot on ourselves. I think, at least.
Tweet
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Not sure if that last comment posted. Anyway, I really enjoyed this post and I am actually a working mother but I often wonder if I would be happier if I wasn’t working full time. I think we just have to take it as it comes and do the best we can to make the choices that make ourselves and our families happy!
Thanks for the wonderful post!
Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone. If you know it’s not for you, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. No one can judge you for making the best decision for your family. Well, they can, but you shouldn’t let it affect you. Easier said than done, I know. I hope you find your outlet and balance!!
Julie´s last blog ..SO TIRED I promise
I have been a SAHM for nearly 10 years now–247/365 and I will be the first to openly admit that I daydream about the day I drop my 2 youngest children off at day care to find my version of autonomy, or do something important, or sleep. I love my children dearly but fantasize about the day when I can go pee by myself or get dressed without my son pointing at my boobs and asking, “Mommy what that?”
Allison´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday…Jump- Jump
I LOVED this post. I can so relate to how she is feeling about finding a balance, etc. I have been home with my son since he was born (he’s 4 now), and there have been days where I felt like I really had no identity anymore. I think that a lot of SAHM’s feel that way. It’s like you don’t have any part of your day that is solely about you. I have thought about going back to work more times than I can count! But I know that if I do…I will sit in my office and bitch and moan about how I wish I were home with my son. It’s such a trade-off and such a tough call!
The Mommyologist´s last blog ..And The Not Mom of the Year Award Goes To…
The biggest drawback of daycare is the constant sickness. Prepare yourself. I was fortunate enough to have a bunch of sick days at my last job, but I don’t know what people do when they don’t have them. They’re sick a lot, and it’s heartbreaking. But they do build up an immunity for the following year. (Sorry to tell you this.)
Jana @ Attitude Adjustment´s last blog ..So You Want to Be a Blogger
Oh yeah. Some days it is so hard to drive them up to the daycare and drop them off, but thing other day…… it is a relief. I love taking them to daycare and dropping them off with people that love them (I have great daycare) and can (probably) take better care of them than me.
Every day is some kind of challenge. We just have to do the best we can.
And you know he didn’t get a cold from one day of daycare, right? I mean, he will get sick more often in daycare, but the way I look at it is they either go through it daycare or go through when they start real school. I would rather get all of that out of the way and build up the immunity before real school.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Finding Love
I think we’re in the same type of “normal.” I am the type of mom that is not made for SAHM. I am a working mother and I think I’ll always be a working mother…even if someday I get to WAHM. That being said, my kids have been in daycare for their entire lives (my oldest was with a babysitter until 10 months, but same general idea). Yes, it was hard to leave them, but it was not a tear-jerker moment like most “normal” moms say they have. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Do I regret doing it? No way. Mommy needs to feel somewhat fulfilled in order to be a good mommy. My fulfillment comes from professional advancement or development. You are not UNnormal.
Lindsay @ Just My Blog´s last blog ..These bloggers made me cry this week
I work full-time, I commute a long distance, I spend lots of time away from my two boys. It’s bittersweet. I love my work, I love my kids. There is no halfway sometimes. And that’s just hard. When I’m away from them, it’s hard, when I’m w ith them it’s hard. I’m never 100% content. I always have some conflicting priority fighting to take over. So I get this. I work for a lot of different reasons, financial, self-worth, an escape. Do I feel guilty because of these feelings. Absolutely. I wonder why it’s not in my make-up to find a way to be home with them. But it’s not. So I plug along and try to win a few personal battles along the way. Like a relaxed day-care drop-off!
Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..My toolbox
This post hit home for me. I work because I want to work, not because I have to. I enjoy interacting with others, being professional, and having to use the deep parts of my brain. But then again, I feel like I also enjoy my kids more, because I don’t deal with all those frustrating parts of the day.
I posted something similar to this awhile back:
I’m a Full-Time Working Mom
Kmama´s last blog ..Crazy Critters and Bark Off- A Review and Giveaway
I have been both a SAHM and FTWM twice when the boys were young. I guess that it takes time adjusting both ways. I work because we need the income and sometimes I wish I wasn’t at work and vice versa. I did consider being a WAHM but I think it wouldn’t work out as job opportunities are few and not well paying.
I can say neither side is greener and it is just balancing out what is the most important for you at that particular moment in time.
Warning to my 3 boys:
“Have Master’s Degree….Will Use it!! Don’t Push Me!!”
Oh to get paid for my troubles again…….blissful thoughts.
But I’m a CONTROL FREAK and no daycare worker or babysitter, or Nanny, or even my own Mother is going to do this here child rearing right by my standards! So, I have vowed to suffer my loss of self in silence until further notice..
I applaud those who can juggle it all: time with kids, a high paying career, emotional stability, and the Snot that comes along with it all!
Jennifer @ The Mommy Mambo´s last blog ..Tread Lightly! Or At Least In A Straight Line! You may be Harboring the Enemy!
“Have Master’s Degree….Will Use it!! Don’t Push Me!!”
This made me laugh out loud!
Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole´s last blog ..11Too Long
I think that this is such a great topic. It is one that I have pondered often. I have the good fortune to work during the school year and have the summers off. When my children were smaller I took a day off a week. It is such a difficult balance, motherhood and work, but it is one that I have decided that I need to remain sane. I find that although the summers are a great treat, that I long for structure in my life. I am the type of person that the busier that I am, the more I get accomplished. One of my children is a teen who is not old enough to drive, so I still feel that I need to be home to make sure that he gets where he needs to be in the summers. In a few years though, I will probably work summers, unless of course I fall into a storm of cash and then I will travel…which will defintely structure my time:) P.S. I am also fortunate enough to LOVE my job!
ZippyChix4´s last blog ..Toy Packaging…Errrrrrrr
Kudos to you for not kicking the 19-year-old employee in the shins. I would have been tempted!
And it’s worth remembering there are all kinds of normal…I hope you find the balance you seek.
Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole´s last blog ..11Too Long
When I was a mom for the first time, I couldn’t wait to get back to work. I think that while I made the mental argument that I needed to work, I honestly just couldn’t handle being at home with an infant. I had no idea what to do. Now my first is 15 and I WISH I could quit my job and stay home. In fact, I think my kids need me now more than they did when they were babies. Someone has to keep them on the straight and narrow, and get them to do their homework. Babysitters just don’t cut it.
Cathy´s last blog ..Backpacking with the Boy Scouts
I feel so blessed that I really do have the best of both worlds. I am an RN and have a wonderfully, flexible schedule where I get to work two 12 shifts a week that allow me to use my brain and skill that I learned in college and then the other 5 days a week, I get to be mommy. A job I wouldn’t tread for the world. This really is a true blessing.
This was a great post.
Jen´s last blog ..Dirty Little Secret
Yes Jen you really are lucky!! I would love to be able to do something like that!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation´s last blog ..Summertime Shades
Love this post!! The whole stay at home vs. working thing is a tough one. I go back and forth all the time about what I want to do. Right now I am just staying at home and most days I am pulling my hair out. However, I know if I go back to work (which is teaching) I would be cursing the whole day that I had someone else’s kids to look after and would also be pulling my hair out. Sometimes for me, all it takes is a little adult conversation to get me through the day! That is why I am sure to schedule my girls nights out…OFTEN!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation´s last blog ..Summertime Shades
Welcome back! I knew you weren’t that excited about being chained to a desk all day, good luck finding a job you will love, tell me what it is! This week I had a horrible case of “the Mondays’ and then I wondered since I’m a SAHM is everyday essentially a Monday? Brrr frightening thought.
Yuliya´s last blog ..Snug as a Bug in a Rug
Jessica, I love your posts. I swear, we’re raising the same baby too. Maybe we’re just never satisified? This ideal in our minds, perfection, doesn’t exisit. I’ll probably spend my life chasing it though.
Glamamom´s last blog ..MOMS WHO ROCK DEBRA WATTENBERG- MD
Thanks ladies for all of the wonderful support :) You make me laugh and comfort my irritable tears :) XO.
Great post. I’ve been struggling with finding the balance. Some days, all I want to do is scream “i want to work full-time” and then the next day I have such a great day with my kids that I think I never want to work.
But then I do. It’s a tough call. In the perfect world I could find something that I went into an office 1 or 2 days a week and could work from home 1 or 2 days. That to me is balance! Sadly the rest of the world doesn’t live in my dream world ;-)
Naomi´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Single sock seeking same
This was wonderful!!
Alexandra´s last blog ..What The Boys Would Be Like Without You- Or An Extremely Belated Happy Fathers Day
Balance is fragile, very fragile. And can not be achieved without a cleaning lady and a good ironing service.
When I go back to work when n°2 goes to daycare (she has finally popped out, yeah!) there must be a cleaning lady. Otherwise, we will live in one of those houses you see on one of those ‘life as it is : pest control’ tv shows.
I wish I had smart answers on this one. I just can’t imagine my life as a full-time employee, with the sheer volume of mini-dramas that need addressing here at home. Up to this point, I have stayed content with knowing that the stress of employment would be harder on me than the stress of full-time parenting & full-time broke. ;)
Kirsten´s last blog ..Fourteen
I quit my job a little over a year ago to stay home with my three girls. I worked 40-45 hours per week and had a two hour, one way, commute to work. Talk about guilt. I had to leave at 5 in the morning, because I worked in the city and had negotiated a 7-4 work day to bypass the worst of the weekday traffic. My husband had to take the two youngest to daycare in the morning, getting them fed and dressed by himself, as well as pick them up in the afternoon as there was no way I could make it there before they closed. I quit when my youngest was 9 months old because I couldn’t stand being away from my family so much.
I had fairytale dreams of snuggling and playing and rebonding with my children. Of a house that was always clean and laundry that was always current. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Neither did all the free time to spend outside in my veggie garden and on my flower beds.
It wasn’t so much that I dislike being a stay at home mom, but more like my brain turned to complete mush because it wasn’t being challenged any further than teaching my teenager algebra (which I aced in high school). But, strangely (or not), the kids haven’t been sick, except the teenager’s upset stomach after eating something iffy when she slept over at a friend’s house, a single day since taking them out of daycare and public school (I now homeschool the teenager).
What saved me from going batshit loco was someone I had followed on Twitter asking about a virtual assistant position she was looking to fill. I was able to work from home (ie, use my brain and be someone other than mommy) and still spend time with my family (the teenager helps watch the two lil ones when I really need the quiet).
Anywho, the purpose of this comment (it has a purpose, really!!) is maybe you can do half day daycare and find something you can do at home. Maybe look at Monster for virtual or telecommuting jobs, or http://www.hiremymom.com, or elance.com?
I have been on both sides of the fence, having to work for the paycheck and then being able to stay home with the kids. I prefer the two intermingled, but would never presume to judge someone who chooses one or the other. You have to do what is best for YOUR mental health, and your pocket book. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do :)
Lots of talk about “normal” here but there’s no “normal mother,” just like there are no “normal children.” We’re all on our own journeys and the best we can hope for are friends and family who support our steps – and missteps – along the way.
Dana´s last blog ..Backyard Reflections
Motherhood, self, identity – it’s such a struggle and you’ve hit the nail on the head with this post. You are SO not alone when you talk about feeling trapped by the demands of children. It’s almost suffocating. And then…sometimes it isn’t, and you’re able to survive. Great post – I hope you found the perfect balance for you!