What are these?
Every once in a while, luxury companies decide to make a product so insane, its only function can be to troll people who aren’t diving into a bed of hundred dollar bills at night. It’s as if these companies are saying, Look at this, commoners! Someone will pay the equivalent of your rent for this shit! Mwahahahahahahaaaaaa.
There’s never been a better example of this than Gucci’s spring shoe/sandal/sock/horror. It’s called the Isle Sock Sandal, and I’m not even kidding — it’s $1190.00. But there’s free shipping!
The description reads, “Add a little something extra to your look with a streamlined take on the sock-with-sandals trend that highlights glossy finishes and luscious red leather.” You’ve always wanted the sleek look of a mannequin’s feet, haven’t you? Who needs toes? Toes are for the tediously middle class. Patent leather shiny beige “skin” is for the wealthy. They don’t come in other skin tones, because of course.
How? What? When? Where? Why? Do you wear them under jeans just to keep people guessing if you’re a human or some sort of sleek AI robot? Or do you just where them with a mini skirt like, YOLO!
If you peruse the Gucci shoes on the Nordstrom site, you’ll find that someone on the Gucci design team is literally stoned 24/7 — or just fucking with everyone. This person hates their job, and spends hours thinking of ways to get fired. It’s the only explanation. Seriously. Look at a little more of their spring shoe line if you don’t believe me.
There’s the Lesley Zebra Striped Pump. It’s $1290.
Who is Lesley? Why, Lesley?
Then there’s the Kimberly Embellished Pump. $1100.
ELEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. “A faux-fur little face peers out from the lush, floral jacquard motif of a silk pump that embodies whimsical woodland charm.” No. No it doesn’t.
Then there’s the Gladiator Loafer. $1890.
There isn’t even a description for this shoe, because WTF GLADIATOR LOAFERS SHOULD NOT BE A THING. These are a crime against feet and legs.
All of a sudden the Isle Sock Sandal isn’t looking so bad. We see what you did there, Gucci.