The differences between mothers and fathers, as told by the latter:
- When your two-year old throws up in the car, mothers feel pity and sorrow. Fathers throw up too.
- Mothers view poop on their fingers as par for the course. Fathers hyperventilate and swear off changing poopy diapers ever again.
- Mothers look at an empty fridge and whip up a yummy dinner with what small amount of food remains. Fathers order pizza. Or Chinese, in this father’s case.
- Mothers’ hearts melt when their toddlers pout so profoundly that their top lip is totally obscured. Fathers think “grow a pair.”
- Mothers pack “breakdown bags” filled with goodies for long road trip and/or other endeavors that could potentially lead to meltdowns. Fathers take two valium before igniting the care engine.
What would this world do without mothers who compensate for all of the bullshit we dads put them through?
Happy mother’s day to the wonderful women who make this world go round, and a special xoxo to Scary Mommy, without whom my life would be empty.