We’ve all seen those damn commercials where a woman is prancing around in white Daisy Dukes doing lunges and swinging off a pole while she supposedly has cotton jammed up her hot pocket.
These feminine product companies would have us believe we can do anything during our crimson wave and it shouldn’t slow us down at all. And while we’re all about #girlpower and don’t let our periods stop us from being our badass selves, we know the truth. Just because they are able to cork the flow, doesn’t mean shark week isn’t happening.
Nice try, you cotton cigar-selling companies, but I’ve been menstruating for 30 years now. I’ve tried all the things. It doesn’t matter. There are still a few things that are impossible to do with any grace during our periods, and I’m not even talking about extravagant things like scuba diving and gymnastics. I’m talking about everyday things like:
Let’s put one of your limber models in shorty-shorts and get actual footage of her sneezing on her heaviest day of parting the Red Sea. That is a shitshow waiting to happen. One has to squeeze her thighs together extremely hard when the urge to sneeze comes on in order to keep her beaver plug in place. It literally feels like a volcano erupting in your butt huggers. One sneeze during your period, and you’ll get the feel for how fast hot lava can erupt and spew all over the damn place.
2. Spin Class
If you’ve never been to spin and you are thinking of trying it out, I highly recommend staying away while Aunt Flo visits. The pressure, the sweating, the aching vagina bones — it just doesn’t work together. There is a lot of bouncing up and down, and if you aren’t used to this type of exercise, I say wait until you don’t have a cork in your Chia Pet, then spin your ass off. By the following month, your vagina will be used to it, and you should be fine.
See No. 1. Also, hacking, choking, blowing your nose, laughing really hard, or standing up too fast. These are all things we all take for granted on non-period days without fear of springing a leak. But when we’re shedding our pearls, we are hyperaware of every damn move, and it sucks.
4. Sit Through Your Child’s Sports Tournaments
Or dance recitals. Or any other activity that leaves us sitting for hours on end in an uncomfortable seat or on a blanket on the ground where it’s hard to get to a bathroom and change our lady stick. And the worst is when Mother Nature knocks on your door early and you aren’t prepared to make a clean getaway.
5. Wear a Thong
I mean, we all know bleeding from your vertical smile and wearing ass floss doesn’t mix, but we’ve all had a time when a visible panty line wasn’t cutting it and we tried out a thong or G-string, praying to the gods above we would be able to pull it off for a few short hours. Meanwhile, we are just craving a pair of extra-tight bloomers that cover our belly button and suck the bloat in. In the end, it’s best to just reach for the Spanx and keep it all tight and contained.
I realize it’s 2017, and our periods shouldn’t slow us down. But the fact is, for a week we are leaking fluid from our bearded clams, and it’s messy. Mistakes are going to happen. Women are going to leak. We still have to get through life, sneeze, laugh, and survive long-ass meetings or kids’ sports tournaments.
It’s not always easy, but one thing is for sure: When I see a pad or tampon company show a woman sneezing in short shorts without leaking and each box comes with a coupon for a free chocolate bar, I’ll definitely start looking forward to that time of the month when my bitch visits a bit more.
Until then, I will dread every sudden movement and schedule my spin classes accordingly.