How sweet! The kind folks behind the Cannes Film Festival want to help every woman understand good taste. That’s why they have so generously required any woman attending a red carpet event at this year’s festival to wear high heels. That’s right: Women, even those elderly or sick, were denied entrance to events and screenings if they dared show up in flats. It’s so kind of the festival to help us women arrive tastefully dressed because everyone knows that the only way a woman can look fancy and tasteful is if she’s pitched four inches into the air while balancing on an overpriced toothpick.
I’ll admit I’m a bit of a shoe-lover myself. I’m even a devoted high-heel-wearer, but heels are unbelievably uncomfortable and not at all practical. I live in Los Angeles, where a long walk can be defined as the distance between the valet station and the table inside the restaurant. I’m a high-heel devotee because I never actually have to walk anywhere in my high heels. Drop me in any city with real walking to be done, and I’ll put on my ballet flats faster than you can say, “Louboutin.” Put me at a film festival that has me standing for hours, and I’ll show up in tasteful, fully appropriate flats as well.
So it occurred to me that the good folks at the Cannes Film Festival probably wouldn’t force women to wear heels if they themselves had ever actually worn heels. Without a doubt, had those arbiters of taste teetered in a pair of Jimmy Choos or tried to walk the Palais in Manolos, they’d probably be singing a different tune. And that tune would be decidedly flat.
In fact, there’s a whole host of womenswear no man would suggest a woman wear had he tried it himself. Here are a few that come to mind:
Any man who wants his lady’s body to look as smooth as a Kardashian’s should have to wear Spanx for an evening. Sure, they flatten out your lady lumps, but they also cut off your circulation and make you look and feel like the inside of a sausage. Let’s be honest: There’s nothing sexy about Spanx. I’ll take “chubby” over “can’t breathe” any day.
Someone needs to invent a bra for men’s balls, underwire and all. Then men could experience what it’s like to have wire digging into their bodies all day too! Oh, and they’d get to form bra fat, except it would be down below.
Who decided women’s clothing should be drafty? And why are we the ones in dresses when men are the ones who would really benefit? Between standing up to pee and their constant “adjusting,” you’d think men would appreciate the easy access and the breeze.
Every man should experience mascara, clumps and all, at least once in his life to fully understand why his wife gets tired of wearing makeup. By the end of the day, mascara could make his lashes feel like the needles of a cactus—if that cactus was going right into his eye. Fun!
Skinny jeans should actually be called children’s clothing because children are the only humans whose legs actually fit comfortably inside. Most women fit into skinny jeans from the ankles down. And despite skinny jeans giving women no mobility or ability to bend, we women wear them. Men should have to experience losing feeling in one’s calves for half a day, too. It’s only fair.
So thanks to the folks behind the Cannes Film Festival for dictating what us women wear. Next year, maybe the tables will be turned, and Harvey Weinstein and Johnny Depp will get to spend a week in France trying to navigate four-inch heals while wearing a bra for their balls. Finally, something interesting at the Cannes Film Festival!