Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Insane Works of Sandwich Art - May 19, 2013
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
I used to pride myself on the ability to hold a grudge for, like, ever. Why on earth would I pride myself on such an awful quality, you ask? Well, I may not be able to stick to a diet or exercise program for more than a week, but staying pissed off forever takes dedication, dammit. And, I excel at it! Go, me!
This quality has served me well for the last thirty odd years. However, these days, I’m finding my ability jeopardized. Everything is so much more complicated once children enter the picture. Lily has this thing where she acts like a complete and absolute terror, screaming that she hates me and wants a new mother and that I am ruining her life. It takes every fiber in my being to not yet yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” at her and slam the door in her face. It’s fantastic.
But, then, suddenly, she’s over it. Her big brown eyes peer up at me and she innocently asks “Can we start over, please? I’m sorry.”
Now, I’d like to say that I melt into a pile of love and all of my anger just washes away. That would be the right thing to say, but that’s not the case, see, because I have that gift of holding a grudge forever. No apology can get through the wall I put up, no matter how tear-filled.
But, I’m realizing that that’s not the example that I want to pass on to my daughter. Even if forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to me, it does for her and that’s a good thing. I can learn from her. I want to learn from her. So I accept her apology and move on, until the next inevitable explosion.
And I know that I’m lucky. With me as a mother, her gift of forgiveness is going to come in pretty handy.
{ 76 comments… read them below or add one }
So that’s what I have to look forward to?
DC Urban Dad recently posted..He may be dazed but hes definitely not confused- yet
That’s exactly what you have to look forward to. :) Mine are 13 and 4. I get it from both of them. LOL
Wow, bet i could beat ya!! And as for the whole daughter melt down thing? bah! My Bratgirl (11) could out -meltdown anyones child! and apparently they out grow it someday. Even my son (26) who is bothered by nothing runs and hides when she is on a roll!, seriously though yeah the forgiveness thing is a great lesson our kids teach us. keep up with the totally awesome posts!! they make me smile, laugh, cry, and everything in-between!
I think it’s good to learn to forgive. It’s also good, though, to let her know that it’s not easy for you when your feelings are hurt, and that maybe they’re still hurting.
Serene recently posted..Bringing Mom’s Meatloaf to the UK
I have also always prided myself on my grudge holding ability. But I struggle with turning this off when dealing with my daughters. I’ve had to work so ever hard on turning it off and letting go. After all, they are only kids. I can sock it to ‘em later when they’re adults, lol!
Grudges serve us well to those that “do us wrong”. It makes us refuse to be doormats. Kids come along and all the rules change. The little ones have all the power over our emotions. At least you’re learning something:)
Rachele recently posted..Parental Experiment 1The Results are In
I just try not to take it seriously when mine does that, although it is really hard not to sometimes. I know she doesn’t mean it and she hasn’t yet learned that her words can really hurt other people.
Jennifer recently posted..Welcome back
The only thing I can tell you is ………… once she is all grown up and moves away (or just goes away to college) she will be your “best” friend and you her “confidant” when it matters most.
It’s not easy – believe me it was never put in the parents handbook or the baby “how to” book – but it is so worth it.
Hang in there.
Kat recently posted..HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
Awesome. That’s been my experience too. I was a damn good grudge holder until kids entered the picture. Now my head spins with how quickly my daughter (8) can switch from pouting and devastated to perky and the world is filled with sunshine. What? How the hell does she do that?
I too am trying to learn from my kids. To let go of things, but others too. My youngest (2) melts everyone’s heart by being so incredibly happy to see them. Hmmm, maybe if I acted like I was happy to see my boss I might get further? I’m not quite there yet, but am pondering it….
Daria @MomInManagement recently posted..What Should You Do if you Adopt a Dog and He’s Horrible
Nope… I’m pretty sure I can hold a grudge longer than you can. Just ask my husband. Once you piss me off, I’m pretty much done with you. Luckily, I don’t get pissed off too often, so when I am, it’s for life.
I SO understand. My teen son and pre-teen son REALLY like to push my buttons lately. Let’s add in the little 7 year old DIVA to the mix.. How did I end up with the youngest being so sweet and loving?? It’s okay to have a favorite, right?
Crazy Lady recently posted..Craft Day
I feel ya! Lately, Kaish has been this completely different kid. Like last night, there was some issue with one of the kids in the neighborhood, so I gathered all of them around the door and I was trying to find out what exactly had happened to the ‘new’ kid and why no one was being nice. Everyone of the kids was talking and saying they were going to be nicer and try harder and I said “How about you Kaish?” and he says, “I don’t have to be nice to anyone I don’t want to be nice to” and turns around and walks into the house. WHAT THE HECK. So, all these neighbor kids are looking at me, and 1 neighborhood grandma, and 1 neighborhood Dad, and my own kid is a BRATZONI! I was so ticked off.
Don’t worry! All of your good qualities far outweigh this one small issue!
Life with Kaishon recently posted..I love you as much… by Laura Krauss Melmed
I hear you – I’ve held grudges so long sometimes I can’t even remember what it’s all about. I just know when I see someone I feel that sting of dislike and resentment. For something…
Being a mom makes you take a really reflective look at yourself, huh? Sometimes I’m not too sure I like a lot of what I see.
Diana @Hormonal Imbalances recently posted..Little One Books – A “Daddy bundle” giveaway
I think the average parent wants to let loose on their child as if the child were an adult on certain occasions. The ones that claim they don’t are liars. Our children push, pull and at times torture us like no others can. We always love them even while we are having a “moment” when we don’t like them much. The proof that you are an adult is never more prevailant then when you suck it up and respond in a way that is best for them. Because we all know parents that are nothing more than children with a mortgage and need a smack more than their kids.
We try to respond in the healthy way for our kids and we do. Because even parental slip ups hold a lesson for everyone.
I love that we can learn from our children. Forgiveness is a tough one to learn and to stick to but man does it lighten your heart….and we all know that one less burden is alwasy a good thing. I think that we can forgive without being a doormat and letting our anger weigh us down.
My kids too teach me forgiveness along with the ability for untempered joy, for total unconditional love and they have taught me a lot of about making friends.
Go Lily! You are making your mama proud.
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..She Lived a Life of Extravagant Love
I think the average parent wants to let loose on their child as if the child were an adult on certain occasions. The ones that claim they don’t are liars. Our children push, pull and at times torture us like no others can. We always love them even while we are having a “moment” when we don’t like them much. The proof that you are an adult is never more prevailant then when you suck it up and respond in a way that is best for them. Because we all know parents that are nothing more than children with a mortgage and need a smack more than their kids.
The other side of the coin is when people can be utter assholes to you but if they are sincere you just forgive anything and rush to make THEM feel better.
Effing sucks.
I’d like a little bit more of what y’all got going on, frankly.
Loralee recently posted..You know it’s not a good sign when it’s 12-07 am and you JUST WANT MONDAY TO END ALREADY
I don’t hold a grudge against my kids. Ever. Unless you count them not getting what they ask for at Christmas, or having to wear a box as a Halloween costume. Some might call that a grudge…
I’m kidding. Sort of.
Penny recently posted..What’s a Niche And do you really need one Who says so
Monkey still does it sometimes. We do grow out of it, eventually. Definitely let her know when she says those things it does hurt you too. Even ScaryMommys can be hurt.
zeghsy recently posted..The Big D- and no I dont mean Dallas
I think there’s a lot of give and take between moms and daughters. I’ve learned about loyalty from my daughter.
I don’t think we have to wait until they’re adults to appreciate their uniqueness. I also think we can be inspired by their idealistic enthusiasm. Anastasia started a foundation for CP awareness and has rallied all the adults in her life to join in.
Miss Rebecca recently posted..The Truth
Breathe breathe breathe … my youngest can bring out the very worst in me and yet she gets over it in a second no matter how mad I am.
It probably has something to do with just how much like me she can be, and apparently ‘me’ can be a real pain the butt!
and it makes life interesting because since my youngest is adopted, whenever I lose my cool I also feel like a complete beotch since she is a gift entrusted too me by someone else, and you think I could be a bit more grateful …
yes, breathe, breathe, breathe …
By Word of Mouth recently posted..24- a la Jack Bauer or Lettermans Top 10- take your pick!
Oh God. When I think of the things I yelled at my mom when I was in middle and high school… OUCH. Only now that I have a daughter can I imagine how much that hurt. Even though I’m sure she knew somewhere that I didn’t mean it, I bet it stung. I hope I’m as good as moving on as she was.
But like others said before me, I think it’s OK to let her know that your feelings are still hurt and teaching her that there’s a difference between forgiving and forgetting.
Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year recently posted..All I wanted
me too! I have apologized to my mother numerous times. It still makes me sick to think of the things I screamed (and I mean SCREAMED) in her face. Shameful!
It is SO hard to not get angry and swear and yell at our kids when they’re acting like total animals. I do yell at my kids. Then I feel awful. GAH. Seriously, they are so forgiving. They are always teaching us something, aren’t they?
I’m totally with you, Jill. Parenting has taught me (or tried to teach me) so many valuable lessons that I never learned in school.
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Yes- there was a product named Penorub…
You came out of the womb able to hold a grudge (although, to be fair, so did I). It’s kind of amazing how such a dominant feature could be absent in your children. Though Evan seems like he may follow in those footsteps.
Um…perhpas that’s because some of my DNA is in those kids?!
omg that’s freakin priceless!!
jill, this was really touching and, as always, resonated. ugh i so don’t want to see the stubborn, grudge-holding, etc part of me in my kids. i think i feel kind of bad for my husband if it does all get passed down!
Learning from my children…yup, every day. And it’s really starting to piss me off. Cause, you know, I’m supposed to know what the fuck I’m doing and why and all that shit.
Sarah recently posted..You don’t need a title to tell you what you believe but it sure does seem to make things easier
My adult daughter made a choice that really upset me, devastated me actually. I was hurt, angry, and disappointed. My initial thought was “I will pack up all her stuff up and put it in storage.” I made it a point to let her know just how poorly thought out her decision was and that her doc and I both made her aware it was not a good idea before she did it. I can rage around the house and continue to feel this or I can just say it isn’t my life and I won’t suffer the consequences for the bad choice. I have opted, for sanity’s sake, to let it go. I have been a single parent since she was 8 weeks old and this is killing me but it gets a little easier each day.
If I may share some sage advice I learned the hard way?
It took me longer than you’ve been alive to get over some grudges… and trust me they were very deserved grudges! Then, probably because I was in my 40′s thinking I wasn’t going to see my 50′s if I didn’t let this shit go, I learned that forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving… it’s for you. We get ‘stuck’ when we hold grudges. It’s not worth it.
Your daughter is on the right track, and so are you to learn from her. You’ll thank me someday… maybe.
Barbara recently posted..Addiction is ugly!
I’m the same way! After L acts like a terror, I stay mad for a long time but he’s moved on and is totally over it. He gives me a hug, tells me he loves me. I am thinking, “You little shit, I ought to….” but I’m saying, “I love you too.” I just fake it. I can’t force myself to be over the anger, but I can lie. I’m a great mom.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..Need Help With the Help
i’m not good at holding grudges. my memory’s not good enough for that, i suppose. and i want people to like me. but i have, however, yelled at my three year-old son to stop talking because he’s annoying. don’t know how that relates, but just thought you’d like to know.
Alexis recently posted..she just totally went there
Jill, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
YOU ROCK !!!
I used to be the best grudge holder on the planet but I don’t have the attention span for it anymore. My 11 year old son, however, can hold a grudge for years!
Diane recently posted..Its complicated
I hold grudges too. But I’m getting to the age where I can’t remember what it was I was holding a grudge about.
Pop recently posted..Merciful Monday- Perspective
There is a diff between accepting an apology and not being mad anymore. My DH doesn’t get this. An ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m sorry’ does not make the problem go away or erase things that were done/said. That being said, I can hold a grudge as long as I don’t have to see the person that often. If you have to see them often, it takes too much effort. Effort I could be using shoe shopping or something.
Scargosun recently posted..Writers WorkShop- Dont You Just Want to Squeeze HimJust Not too Hard
What a great post! I’m also a grudge holder and it amazes me to watch my daughter be able to want me to be a better person! Maybe I need to suggest a Bible Study on forgiveness to my group :)
Wendy recently posted..Maggie turns 5!
My friends STILL talk 20+ yrs later how I didn’t talk to them for a week for some, a month for others and 4 months for one becuase they had “wronged me”. Nobody remembers why. Why was I so mad? I do remember the friend (my BF) that turned into a pile of tears on the Middle School locker room floor nearly naked begging me to forgive her for reasons we both forgot. So I guess I was the opposite of “forgive but NEVER forget”
I no longer have the time or energy to hold any grudges. I’ve given up that, which I thought was “power” to a Higher Power and it’s never felt, more. . . Powerful :)
Sounds like they have some grudges too if theyre talking about something that happened 20+ years ago.
I used to be a contestant in the running for Grudge Holding Queen. Then I had the great (mis)fortune to hold the hands of two friends as they died of cancer. I realized that none of it makes a difference in the end. All the anger I was holding onto wasn’t going to amount a pile of shit when I died.
The second thing that happened was that I got older. I no longer care what anyone thinks about me, so I care a lot less what I think about them. I’ve simply found better ways to expend my energy.
Barb Black recently posted..Passion Get some
People are jealous of our skills love. I can hold onto a grudge forever and channel my inner bitch whenever it’s needed. Embrace it!
You mean I’m not supposed to get eye level with my child, look her squarely in the eye and say “If you would shut the fuck up for 30 seconds, we could _____”?
Damn. At least I know what I’m doing wrong now.
All joking aside, if my daughter can hold a grudge anywhere close to my ability to hold a grudge – once the tween years hit, life in my house is going to get very interesting.
HaB recently posted..Pavlovs Ducks
Really hope this is not how its going to be mine’s only six months old and already she has a temper. http://www.new-daddys.blogspot.com
Jamienewdad recently posted..More hospital blues continued
I also hold grudges.
But I think it’s ok to let our kids know that their words and actions have consequences. That not everything can be made better with an apology.
And because I don’t think I’ve told you lately–I just love how you write.
Oy! My teenage daughter lost her ability to forgive around the age 13. She is a scary ball of unforgiving hormones–hell hath no fury…
I hope your daughter retains this beautiful gift in the teenage years. This will certainly make your life easier:)
Jennifer (unrefinedmom) recently posted..Spiderman’s Secret Weapon–Good God- it’s a Penis!
bravo! for having the courage and humility to keep learning, especially from little her.
angelica recently posted..On aid and Tourism
–>I forgive easily but it’s very hard for me to forget. Aging is making it easier though.
WebSavvyMom recently posted..Flashback Friday Part 71 – Ive Got Friends
happy and secure people don’t hold a grudge. life’s too short to keep the bad stuff close to you.
The real L.A. love story. recently posted..Finding out your ex is engagedon Facebook
Ahhhh…this sounds familiar.
Today I threw a stupdi plastic dinosaur from an Ice Age-themed Happy Meal out the door because my kid wouldn’t. stop. banging. the stupid thing against the stupid wall even after 1,000 polite requests by yours truly.
As soon as I did that, she apologised and I let go of my own grudge over her behavior all morning (3yo girls have much grudge-inducing ammunition).
Being a grown-up is totally hard.
Kim recently posted..Up He Goes…
I find that having seven kids and bipolar disorder helps me to hold a grudge just that *little* bit longer! Lol ;-)
Something else we have in common. I, too, have the ability to stay pissed and hold a grudge forever. It’s great that you have Lily to show you how to forgive – we can learn from our children. Mine’s still showing me the way – 16 years later.
Gigi recently posted..Sometimes you win-sometimes you lose- but in the end its how you behave
Oh, boy. and yeah.
My mom holds grudges.
I hold grudges.
Don’t want that for my kids.
And now this post: I get the message, universe, I get the message.
Alexandra recently posted..Kludgymom Guest Post onGuest Posts
It is amazing how kids forgive their parents. They can be beat, slapped, starved or half killed but they forgive. I’m glad you are taking lessons from your daughter on this, we have too many opportunites for offense in this life. Letting go makes life much easier. Forgiveness is freedom!
Chaplain Donna recently posted..A Teenagers Thoughts- Pregnancy- Abortion- Sex and Peer Pressure- All Before Age 13!
We’re famous in the family for teaching stubborn people how to be stubborn. But the good news is that the kids have helped to teach we, the impatient, how to be patient. They have nothing but time and energy to use to aggravate you or make you smile.
Jack recently posted..Dancing at the Movies – Music Video
I am the same way. I am an elephant. I don’t forget anything…and my daughter is just as hard headed as I am, which makes it a longer process to forgive. I hate to admit it, but it is easier to forgive my son sometimes because his apologies seem much more genuine.
Kelly recently posted..Gilligans Island The Chicago Series- The Professor
I think the most important thing is to not let your kid see you like this! This shows them how to treat others (which may not always be a bad thing now that I think about it!) I remember when I was young my mother doing that to me and it would literally tear me up inside! I would do anything not to make my kiddo feel that way! He is only two but sometimes he does things that crush me and I just smile! Later, I complain to his daddy or cry it out but I never never let him see it! Congrats on trying to do better! Damn it sure is hard though, right?
I could have wrote this post. It sounds a lot like me, door slamming and all. Oh, what can I say, live, learn, and occasionally apologize.
Christina @RantRaveRoll recently posted..BAD MOM AWARD – I MADE MY KID CRY
I too hold grudges. If you screwed with me in 4th grade, I am still plotting revenge. (I am 53)
But, when it came to my kids, when I was wrong (rare but did happen), I did apologize to them. Husband thought I was nuts–you know, parents rule etc, but they needed to know that it was OKAY to say I’m sorry. Now, my kids are semi-adults and have the capacity of forgiveness. Once again, mom was right, dad was wrong.
I completely understand you on this one. I think that it may be a mother daughter thing:) Unconditional love is the phrase that I remind myself of when the old grudge monster starts appearing. I lost myself in a grudge towards my DD after one of her teenage rants years ago…..it was not pretty and I was not happy with myself. I was not visibly mean, just indifferent for a few days….it drove home a point that was never forgotten. Not sure if I approve of my own methods though, I never did it again. Luckily she is amazing and we have moved through that stage:)
ZippyChix recently posted..Zippering In
If my girls will hold grudges the way I can hold grudges I am in deep deep trouble and so is the rest of the world.
How can these little people be so stinking smart?!
My kids have taught me so many life lessons. It really is amazing. Do we become more clueless as we age or does society screw us up?!
Mrs.Mayhem recently posted..Hello 1990
You just made me feel so much better…thank you.
zanymad recently posted..Too Much To Ask For
Ha! Sounds like a drama queen….I only have the male couterparts; the KINGS!
One twin actually screamed at me that he wanted our next door neighbor to be his mom. (she has three kids under 5 and is a bit lax in the discipline department and always hosts play groups and sh*t; in other words..”SO NOT ME!”)
So I kicked his butt out on the front porch told him to go next door and I’d see him later. Then I went back inside and locked the door! He squalled loud enough to stop traffic. I gave him a good 5 minutes to stew in his own juices (would have gone longer if it weren’t for the threat of CPS in the back of my mind).
Haven’t heard about any moms who are better than me since!
Round here I sit on the throne of drama….all tresspassers will be exhiled!
Jennifer @ The Mommy Mambo recently posted..To The Top Tuesday!
I learn lessons about myself everyday thanks to my son. Thank goodness he is teach me lesson on how to be a better person.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Great Posts I Came Across This Week- September 25th
I loved this post..what a profound lesson to learn from people we are suppossed to teach right???
I know that my patience and forgivness skills will be tested again and again throughout the lives of my kiddos, but hopefully they can forgive my slights, while I try to forgive theirs.
LOVED IT!!!!!
Kir recently posted..Perfect Moment Monday- A Life in the City
Kids teach us more than we teach them, that’s what I think anyway. What a beautiful lesson.
I should have a PhD in grudge holding. Seriously. I hear girls are filled with the drama. I’m terrified now that I’m having one. That’s wonderful that Lily taught you how to let go. Maybe Ari or the mystery baby will teach me that too!
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Crying in Front of Your Kids
Oh, that’s a tough one. It would kill me to hear that and because we are human, my reaction of screaming what you wanted to scream, would be the same. It’s hard to get past a grudge. But, based on what you said, it seems like you are doing all you can by trying. And for now, that is good enough.
~Laura recently posted..Here
Oh I so have those days where I want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP and slam the door. I am glad for you and Lily that she is so forgiving!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Recipe of the Week- Grilled Summer Veggie Pasta Salad
I can forgive, but if the same person makes me feel like shit a few times too many, I don’t want them around.
By they way – holy shit, I didn’t know the “i hate you” phase started so young… I thought I had at least until she’s 8. Bummer.
beckie & the grub recently posted..wtf- jeans!
I love that. I’ve had to learn to let go of grudges and it’s definitely improved my quality of life. Of course, now I feel extra bitter about the ones that people hold against me… I love the “do over.” Hope your little girl keeps that always. She’ll have moved on to bigger and better things while her adversaries are still seething. She wins!
My 10 year old daugther totally makes me feel that way!!!! It is crazy. I am so happy she is able to move on. I think holding a grudge must be a more adult characteristic, unfortunately. My daughter also finds it easy to forget and pick up where we left off before the fight! Good luck!
The mood swings are starting already? Good times.
I’m like you, though. Grudge central. Call it wanting to be treated right and passive-aggressively not taking that shit any more. Or call it being stubborn. Whatevs. Either way, it’s tiresome, isn’t it? Love that you’re learning new behaviors through Lily. I feel the same about my son, too.
I just wish I were a better student.
Kids are so forgiving, it’s amazing and a true gift.. though just be careful your little lady will be an adult one day with different emotions than now.
I have to do all I can to be good to my kids too (not yell and cuss) when they show their crankies. :p
I don’t have to deal with this since I have 2 boys right?……. RIGHT?! Because “people” told me boys were / are easier, I’m holding them to it dammit!
“Cookie” recently posted..Apple Orchard