Holding a Grudge

76 Comments

I used to pride myself on the ability for holding a grudge for, like, ever. Why on earth would I pride myself on such an awful quality, you ask? Well, I may not be able to stick to a diet or exercise program for more than a week, but staying pissed off forever takes dedication, dammit. And, I excel at it! Go, me!

This quality has served me well for the last thirty odd years. However, these days, I’m finding my ability jeopardized. Everything is so much more complicated once children enter the picture. Lily has this thing where she acts like a complete and absolute terror,  screaming that she hates me and wants a new mother and that I am ruining her life. It takes every fiber in my being to not yet yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” at her and slam the door in her face. It’s fantastic.

But, then, suddenly, she’s over it. Her big brown eyes peer up at me and she innocently asks “Can we start over, please? I’m sorry.”

Now, I’d like to say that I melt into a pile of love and all of my anger just washes away. That would be the right thing to say, but that’s not the case, see, because I have that gift of holding a grudge forever. No apology can get through the wall I put up, no matter how tear-filled.

But, I’m realizing that that’s not the example that I want to pass on to my daughter. Even if forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to me, it does for her and that’s a good thing. I can learn from her. I want to learn from her. So I accept her apology and move on, until the next inevitable explosion.

And I know that I’m lucky. With me as a mother, her gift of forgiveness is going to come in pretty handy.

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 3

    Elaine Grant says

    Wow, bet i could beat ya!! And as for the whole daughter melt down thing? bah! My Bratgirl (11) could out -meltdown anyones child! and apparently they out grow it someday. Even my son (26) who is bothered by nothing runs and hides when she is on a roll!, seriously though yeah the forgiveness thing is a great lesson our kids teach us. keep up with the totally awesome posts!! they make me smile, laugh, cry, and everything in-between!

    Show Replies
  2. 4

    Serene says

    I think it’s good to learn to forgive. It’s also good, though, to let her know that it’s not easy for you when your feelings are hurt, and that maybe they’re still hurting.

    Show Replies
  3. 5

    Rhonda Stansberry says

    I have also always prided myself on my grudge holding ability. But I struggle with turning this off when dealing with my daughters. I’ve had to work so ever hard on turning it off and letting go. After all, they are only kids. I can sock it to ‘em later when they’re adults, lol!

    Show Replies
  4. 6

    Rachele says

    Grudges serve us well to those that “do us wrong”. It makes us refuse to be doormats. Kids come along and all the rules change. The little ones have all the power over our emotions. At least you’re learning something:)

    Show Replies
  5. 7

    Jennifer says

    I just try not to take it seriously when mine does that, although it is really hard not to sometimes. I know she doesn’t mean it and she hasn’t yet learned that her words can really hurt other people.

    Show Replies
  6. 8

    Kat says

    The only thing I can tell you is ………… once she is all grown up and moves away (or just goes away to college) she will be your “best” friend and you her “confidant” when it matters most.

    It’s not easy – believe me it was never put in the parents handbook or the baby “how to” book – but it is so worth it.

    Hang in there.

    Show Replies
  7. 9

    Daria @MomInManagement says

    Awesome. That’s been my experience too. I was a damn good grudge holder until kids entered the picture. Now my head spins with how quickly my daughter (8) can switch from pouting and devastated to perky and the world is filled with sunshine. What? How the hell does she do that?

    I too am trying to learn from my kids. To let go of things, but others too. My youngest (2) melts everyone’s heart by being so incredibly happy to see them. Hmmm, maybe if I acted like I was happy to see my boss I might get further? I’m not quite there yet, but am pondering it….

    Show Replies
  8. 10

    Carolyn (temysmom) says

    Nope… I’m pretty sure I can hold a grudge longer than you can. Just ask my husband. Once you piss me off, I’m pretty much done with you. Luckily, I don’t get pissed off too often, so when I am, it’s for life.

    Show Replies
  9. 11

    Crazy Lady says

    I SO understand. My teen son and pre-teen son REALLY like to push my buttons lately. Let’s add in the little 7 year old DIVA to the mix.. How did I end up with the youngest being so sweet and loving?? It’s okay to have a favorite, right?

    Show Replies
  10. 12

    Life with Kaishon says

    I feel ya! Lately, Kaish has been this completely different kid. Like last night, there was some issue with one of the kids in the neighborhood, so I gathered all of them around the door and I was trying to find out what exactly had happened to the ‘new’ kid and why no one was being nice. Everyone of the kids was talking and saying they were going to be nicer and try harder and I said “How about you Kaish?” and he says, “I don’t have to be nice to anyone I don’t want to be nice to” and turns around and walks into the house. WHAT THE HECK. So, all these neighbor kids are looking at me, and 1 neighborhood grandma, and 1 neighborhood Dad, and my own kid is a BRATZONI! I was so ticked off.

    Don’t worry! All of your good qualities far outweigh this one small issue!

    Show Replies
  11. 13

    Diana @Hormonal Imbalances says

    I hear you – I’ve held grudges so long sometimes I can’t even remember what it’s all about. I just know when I see someone I feel that sting of dislike and resentment. For something…

    Being a mom makes you take a really reflective look at yourself, huh? Sometimes I’m not too sure I like a lot of what I see.

    Show Replies
  12. 14

    kellyD2010 says

    I think the average parent wants to let loose on their child as if the child were an adult on certain occasions. The ones that claim they don’t are liars. Our children push, pull and at times torture us like no others can. We always love them even while we are having a “moment” when we don’t like them much. The proof that you are an adult is never more prevailant then when you suck it up and respond in a way that is best for them. Because we all know parents that are nothing more than children with a mortgage and need a smack more than their kids.
    We try to respond in the healthy way for our kids and we do. Because even parental slip ups hold a lesson for everyone.

    Show Replies
  13. 15

    Brittany at Mommy Words says

    I love that we can learn from our children. Forgiveness is a tough one to learn and to stick to but man does it lighten your heart….and we all know that one less burden is alwasy a good thing. I think that we can forgive without being a doormat and letting our anger weigh us down.

    My kids too teach me forgiveness along with the ability for untempered joy, for total unconditional love and they have taught me a lot of about making friends.

    Go Lily! You are making your mama proud.

    Show Replies
  14. 16

    kellyD2010 says

    I think the average parent wants to let loose on their child as if the child were an adult on certain occasions. The ones that claim they don’t are liars. Our children push, pull and at times torture us like no others can. We always love them even while we are having a “moment” when we don’t like them much. The proof that you are an adult is never more prevailant then when you suck it up and respond in a way that is best for them. Because we all know parents that are nothing more than children with a mortgage and need a smack more than their kids.

    Show Replies
  15. 17

    Loralee says

    The other side of the coin is when people can be utter assholes to you but if they are sincere you just forgive anything and rush to make THEM feel better.

    Effing sucks.

    I’d like a little bit more of what y’all got going on, frankly.

    Show Replies
  16. 18

    Penny says

    I don’t hold a grudge against my kids. Ever. Unless you count them not getting what they ask for at Christmas, or having to wear a box as a Halloween costume. Some might call that a grudge…

    I’m kidding. Sort of.

    Show Replies
  17. 20

    Miss Rebecca says

    I think there’s a lot of give and take between moms and daughters. I’ve learned about loyalty from my daughter.

    I don’t think we have to wait until they’re adults to appreciate their uniqueness. I also think we can be inspired by their idealistic enthusiasm. Anastasia started a foundation for CP awareness and has rallied all the adults in her life to join in.

    Show Replies
  18. 21

    By Word of Mouth says

    Breathe breathe breathe … my youngest can bring out the very worst in me and yet she gets over it in a second no matter how mad I am.
    It probably has something to do with just how much like me she can be, and apparently ‘me’ can be a real pain the butt!
    and it makes life interesting because since my youngest is adopted, whenever I lose my cool I also feel like a complete beotch since she is a gift entrusted too me by someone else, and you think I could be a bit more grateful …
    yes, breathe, breathe, breathe …

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>