Welcome to the time of year when these three little words are heard more than ever:
As I do a mental review of the most coveted/sought after and hottest Christmas gifts from last Christmas, I give a giant eye roll and two big thumbs down to the following purchases for my sons, now ages five and eight.
Thanks for nothing, Santa Claus…
1. The Furby(s). These were two big ticket items last year – like one of the last gifts the boys opened – I drove from one Toys ‘R Us to another to chase down a blue Furby for my five-year-old last December because IT HAD TO BE BLUE. Both Furby’s even attended Christmas dinner at my mother-in-laws house which was cute and interesting for about 0.5 seconds because they never shut up. They now reside in the bottom of the closet and scare the shit out of me when I vacuum. They also torment the dog to no end. So yeah, thanks Santa.
2. The Easy Bake Oven. Oh Easy Bake Oven, I was so excited when my younger son begged for you because I had one too when I was little! Sam is my sous-chef and loves to cook – when he grows up he’s going to be a chef so hell yeah, we spent fifty bucks on this pink nightmare that is now on the tippy-top shelf of the kitchen cupboard along with various mixes to go along with it – unopened/untouched. We did make some sad “cupcakes” a few days after Christmas last year. Epic Easy Bake FAIL – that thing can stay hidden away for all I care.
3. The Bike. This bike was hidden in the garage for my older son – near the end of the present opening madness we told him to go and look in the garage and viola! A new bike was sitting there with one of those giant bows on it! I couldn’t wait to see his face! He was going to love it! It had skulls on it and was all black and PURPLE! I think Jake thought the bike was a joke as he exclaimed, “Daddy…it’s PINK!” The bike has been ridden maybe once – I said I would take it to a bike shop and get any offensive “pink” parts removed. Fast forward one year later and it hasn’t happened. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
4. The Lego’s. I’m so glad Lego items are on the list this year (again) in super-high demand because yeah – WE NEED MORE LEGO SHIT.
5. Science kit. Jake wanted a Magic Science Kit and Sam wanted this light-up Gandalf-like staff. I don’t know where the hell the innards of that science kit went, for all I know the dog ate the packets of experiments and that’s why her stomach makes such unsettling noises today. Or maybe it really was magic and the thing just disappeared – I honestly do not know. I do know the test tubes in various colors live in cupboards, drawers, bins, closets and bags throughout my home. I also know that the light up staff was broken seconds after the above photo was taken. SECONDS.
6. Skylanders. Last, but certainly not least – the crème de la crème – the final gift from Santa to the two of them – Skylanders! This video game for the Wii was the best thing ever and going to be life changing! Last week Skylanders was sold by the two of them on eBay. How could the most coveted gift item of 2012 not even live to see next Christmas??? All they’re left with is this stupid portal – what the hell am I supposed to do with that?
This year I don’t know what to believe when they rattle off what they want. They seemed so passionate about each and every one of these closet dwelling/auctioned off to the highest bidder items exactly one year ago.
These gifts will now be donated without anyone’s knowledge, because I’m sure if they saw me giving them away they would suddenly fall in la-la-love with them all over again.
For like… five whole minutes.