How I Really Want To Spend My Alone Time – Scary Mommy

How I Really Want To Spend My Alone Time

Image via Shutterstock

Image via Shutterstock

You know what I really want? Not a glass of wine. Not a nap. Not even a Girls Night Out. I want to be alone. I want to walk out the front door and into freedom for a few solid, uninterrupted hours of childless bliss. And do you know what I really want to do with those free hours?

I want to do all the things that generally take me hours and bring me to the brink of tears simply because I have children with me 24/7.

In my alone time I want to drive to the shopping mall without small kids poking each other or screaming in the back seat. There will be no angry mom faces glaring into the rear view mirror or vague threats of mild peril if my children do not “calm down right now!” I will park the car wherever I want because I won’t have to plan ahead for getting my kindergartner to not do ninja kicks or sudden mad-dash runs through the parking lot.

Then you know what I’ll do?

I’ll strut to the walk-in hair salon and ask for a haircut. I’ll even gladly wait for 35 minutes while flipping through months-old People magazines. I will love waiting 35 motherfucking minutes with no children!

Oh, pardon me. I got excited there.

Next on my day of Me Time, I will sashay my butt to Old Navy or The Gap or wherever people buy jeans these days and I will ask for the fitting room. Can you imagine? That’s right, I will try on 9 pairs of jeans just because I can! There is no toddler to chase or sooth or bribe! There is no kindergartner asking embarrassingly loud questions about why mommy’s elastic underwear band is falling apart.

That reminds me. Next stop, the over-priced underwear store. I will wander around and look at, and probably even buy, underwear that no mom with small kids in tow has any business looking at. Will this impulse buy encourage my husband to offer me more days like this one?

After I finish shopping I will swing by Starbucks and order coffee without little voices begging for $3 juices or $4 lemon bars. I may even drink my goddamn coffee in Starbucks in absolute peace and fucking quiet. Can you even imagine?

I will dare to make a phone call (gasp!) and talk. I’ll talk for more than 30 freaking seconds without a child stammering or screaming or hitting or running or otherwise interrupting my chat. I will talk about all kinds of things; I will drop fun, cussy words into long sentences.

I will take the long way home and maybe even spontaneously drop by a friend’s house for a quick visit. You know why? Because I can!

When I get home I will take the world’s longest, hottest shower known to mom-kind. No little goobers will be trying to climb in with me. No shrieks of angry fits from small children demanding my immediate attention. I will use a sugar scrub and shave my legs!

And then, just to round out my indulgent day of doing whatever I want, I will actually look forward to cleaning the house. What takes me the entire day will take me maybe an hour. I can run around the house getting shit done without having to repeat my actions while simultaneously yelling about timeouts or taking away privileges from my children who are following me and making new messes.

For dinner I will eat carbs. For dessert I will drink wine. For the remainder of the evening I will lie flat on my back on the couch and watch TV without jumping up to see what on earth the splashing sound is coming from the dining room.

And finally, I will sleep for 9 beautiful, and long overdue, uninterrupted hours.

Now, I just have to get my husband on board with this plan. Wish me luck.