Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
I have a history of fucking up my children’s sleeping habits. If it were up to me, they’d sleep in in my bed for all of their brief little babyhood. I love falling asleep holding them. I love nuzzling their sweet little faces. I love making them feel safe. I love smelling their little shampooed heads. I love feeling them breathe and hearing their content little baby noises. I love waking up next to them and being the first thing they see. I love all of it.
Unfortunately, my husband does not. It’s one of the parenting aspects where we differ most. He believes they should sleep in their own cribs early on and get used to soothing themselves (arguably, the right way to do things. I recognize that. Shut up.) He likes to fall asleep looking at me. He likes to cuddle with me and have time for us together at the end of a long day. He likes to wake up next to me, and just me, in the morning. The bastard.
For the past 6 months we’ve been battling over our sleeping arrangement. Initially, I’d promised 3 months in our bed, as we’d done with Ben (a fabulous sleeper after my nightmarish first born.) Three months came and went. So did four. And five and six. I’d made futile attempts to get Evan used to his crib here and there, but always caved when the crying became too much to bear. It gets me to the core, while Jeff can simply put a pillow on his head and fall asleep. I simply cannot, knowing that all my baby wants is my touch. Months seven and eight came and went in a blink.
That brings us to now. Back from our ten days away, and as promised, Evan is in his crib. For the past couple of months I’d refused to torture him, knowing that being away would just shake things all up. I swore up and down that when we got back, I would whip him into shape. And whip him, I am. He has been crying off and on for 6 hours. He cried from 8 to 10:30, eventually passing out from exhaustion. It’s 3 am now and he’s been crying for an hour and a half. I am downstairs and wide awake, trying my hardest to block his tearful pleading out. I am miserable.
It’s the right thing to do, for all of us. Evan needs to be able to sleep on his own, without grabbing onto my face for comfort. He needs to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and fall asleep without the aid of a pacifier. He needs to soothe himself without needing my help. Jeff needs me too, and I know that. And I could use a good nights sleep myself, for a change. Someday soon, I hope to get one. But for now, it sucks. And I only have myself to blame. And that really sucks.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
The No Cry Sleep Solution. Buy it. You don’t need to torture yourself and your sweet precious little baby. Sorry, but I disagree with hubby BIG TIME here.
You are a brave woman and I admire your determination but I just couldn’t do it.
My big two slept in our bed until they were two when I did it all in one go, they came off the breast, out of nappies (diapers?) and in a big bed on their own. It worked and they sleep fine alone. I am glad I had so long to share sleep with them.
Good luck, we are thinking of you, xxx
Theresa- I’m going to look into that today. I’ve been using the Ferber method, but he goes on forever.
What’s the premise? (And, me too.)
Daisie, I have no determination at all. I’m ready to throw the towel in!!!
Mine slept in my bed for way too long cause I had no hubby to share it with which made it easier for me to allow Stinker to cuddle.
But I think you’re doing the right thing. Eventually when I wanted to get him out my bed it was torture, but it only took a few days and he’s in his bed, sleeping through, much better rested in the morning, as am I.
And yes, you and Jeff need to alone time.
My heart bleeds for you though… good luck.
I was still nursing Dottie in the middle of the night, every night until she was almost a year old… there was really no need for it…
It was just so easy to stick a boob in her face for 10 minutes rather than listen to her scream for an hour…
I finally ended up buying earplugs… when she’d wake me up, I’d stick the plugs in and go back to sleep… the guilt wasn’t too bad since I didn’t know how long she cried for…
I’m such a meanie….
I feel your pain… We let Reilly “cry it out” for three days when he was 6 months old. It was torture. We have tried to do better with Avery, but somehow we seem to have ended up in almost the same place. Sleeping and eating – two of the hardest parenting areas. Hang in there!
Yeah, that’s tough.
I’m the one who doesn’t want the kids in our bed. I just can’t sleep with them there. Hubs can; he can sleep through anything.
Like last night, our six year old wanted to sleep with us, so we let her bring her sleeping bag in and sleep on the floor. An hour later, she was sound asleep, but coughing her head off. Finally, I threw the covers off and stomped to the medicine cabinet to get cough med; that’s when hubs finally decided to get her up and put her in her room.
We have a fan in our room to block outside noise. It conveniently dulls the sound of children’s cries, too. We subscribe to Cristin’s method!
Yep, big meanies here.
My oldest slept with us until she was almost two. She hated being in her crib, and it was just much easier to bring her into the bed with us. But then I got pregnant and it was getting to be tight quarters in a full sized bed with two adults (one of which had a bulging tummy), the toddler and a boxer!
We tried the Ferber method… I hated it.
We changed the crib for a twin bed and she was fine. One of us would lay down with her at bedtime. If she woke up in the middle of the night (which really was not that often) she knew she could get out of the bed and come to our room.
When daughter #2 came along, I swore the child would not sleep with us… I was not about to go through that again!
Good luck!
Bless your heart….I’m sure that IS torture! Good luck w/ getting him into his crib. Your hubby’s intentions are sweet and I’m sure it’s nice to know that he wants some time with you and you alone.
:-)
Hang in there! This parenting is rarely as easy as it looked pre-kids:)
Dawn
You hang in there. I never let any of my 647 kids sleep with me. Only one will probably end up in prison and I think that’s prtty good numbers!! Seriously, I put them in their bed and sat in a chair beside them. I put the classical music on and it took about 3-4 times of me being in there with them. Make them understnd that which ever way you do it, is the way it’s going to be. Period. You need to do it just like you discipline. To the point…This is how it’s going to be… Then go into your closet and cry. You must never let the “enemy” see any weakness. They taught me that in military training…or they would have if I had actually done that.
I’m really amazed how many people still use the Ferber method. Did you know there was some research done at harvard which showed how not-good it is? No Cry will help you to help your baby learn gently and non-traumatically how to fall sleep better. It takes time to do it gently. But she guides you through developing a plan to suit your individual needs… not all babies are the same, as you know! No negative associations made with bed time. And you wont have to feel guilty about leaving your little one to cry.
Theresa (using hubby’s laptop)
a lil more info:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/night.php
Theresa (still on hubby’s laptop)
Be strong… Eva just asked if she could sleep with us… again…
E V E R Y night… she just turned 4 last week!
& I know it is totally my fault…
Tash, I hear ya. Jeff travels so much and those are the nights I just can't take it (and really like the company)
Sara, so much easier said than done. I keep repeating all of my mistakes :(
Cristin & Trayce, I wish I could just roll over and ignore it!!
Shannon, That's when my oldest finally became a decent sleeper- once she was in a big bed. (Although she does end up in our at some points most night.)
Theresa, I appreciate all of the info. I think that sounds like a better fit for me, for sure. People kept suggesting Ferber- I had
Jill, with all of your kids, 1 in prison spells success. You are so right- he has my number for sure.
Thanks, Darci :) When the time comes, learn from my mistakes!!!
Norway, My 4 year old is the same. I'm telling myself it's just a phase.
I feel your pain too. I’m feeling it right now with my son. We had some success with letting him cry it out, but our pattern keeps getting shaken up, then he ends up in bed with me. I’m ready to try it again, but in two weeks we travel. Should I even bother? I’m afraid if I put it off too long, it will be too late. I wish you success in your efforts.
Hey I am in the minority, I guess, but I think the Ferber method is okay. Some people think you just plop the kid in their crib then walk away till morning. That is completely incorrect. The FM involves checking on baby every few minutes, then increasing “check time” over a period of nights. But that said, my mantra is “whatever works for your family”. Ferber worked for me but if it isn’t working for you, i wouldn’t try to MAKE it work. Do what feels right. I’m sure your kids will turn out FINE. They already have the most important thing going for them: a loving mommy and daddy!
Hnag in there Mama! It does get easier…you can do it and stop beating yourself up..you did what you needed to do at the time and now you are also doing what you need to do..Good Luck!
So sad for you and Evan… :(
It’s hard when they have to grow up a little!!
I feel for you! We let my 6 year old sleep with us and couldn’t et her out for 3 years! When our son was born we decided we would not make that same mistake again and (this is really crazy) I actually feel guilty about it now! Just follow your heart…you will have fewer regrets down the road…
I suck. I haven’t been to a bookstore to get that book so he slept in my bed last night. And Jeff is away tonight, so he will again tonight. I am such a pussy.
My first born didn’t sleep more than 20 min at a time for the first few months. Maybe we would get 1 whole hour. Maybe. But he wouldn’t sleep with us either. So we were all awake. All the time. Then when he could learn to hold a bottle I put it in his bed. Bad mommy I know. Oh well- he started sleeping through the night. He took a sippy cup to bed till he was 4. But he slept. Ahhh. 2nd Born, now he is a different story. A complete and udder cuddle bug. He needs affection like some people need tequila. He came out of the womb and wanted to go back in. The only place he liked to sleep was in the small of my back. Finally I convinced him to sleep in his baby swing, next to my bed, with his paci. This kids loves to be soothed. The swing lasted till about 9 months. Since then, he is off and on in bed with us. He is now 4. He starts out in his bed, but winds up in ours between 4 and 6AM. We got a king size bed. I worried briefly that I was doing it wrong with him, but he is different from First Born. He needs different things from me, he responds to different punishments, encouragements, directions, etc. He has a high need for hugging. He is just like his daddy. A wise older friend, with grown children said to me “You don’t see too many 15 year old boys who want to get in bed with their parents. This will pass, don’t worry about.” So there you go. I only have my story as a reference, I don’t know if that helps or not. Just don’t be too hard on yourself or him. He may just be an affection addict.
Hang in there, I know how hard it is…I ended up hiring a sleep consultant to help us with our baby boy. Let me know if you want her contact info or some of her tips; she helped tremendously.
(-: Laura
Theresa, So I did buy the book. Thank you for the recommendation! I feel like it was written for me.
Jerusalem, I heard your friend’s quote in my head last night :)
Laura, I’d love to hear them!!
I so feel your pain. I always do the cry-it-out bit at about 10 months (they’re in my bed until then). It kills me. Have to go…baby crying now
kendra
My favorite sleep method is to sit on the floor and fold laundry in semi-darkness till they fall asleep. My boys pretty much slept with me till they were between one and one-and-a-half, depending on the boy, and then I put them in their own beds. I never left them to scream, but would say “Just going to brush my teeth, right back… Just going to talk to Dad a minute, right back…” As a result, they knew their place (IN BED after 7!) and knew that grownups are soooo boring after bedtime that we can’t even answer questions. (“Hmmm? I dunno, honey, ask me tomorrow. Sleepy.”) But now, they will sleep anywhere without a problem, and have absolutely no fear of the dark. Yes, we had tears, but they were tears of vexation, not despair. It was the hard way, and the long way, but now I wouldn’t change it. And BOY, was my laundry organized in those days! Now, it’s in heaps! I wonder if my ten-year-old would mind if I folded laundry and sang him a few lullabies tonight?
I couldn’t do it. We slept with Boopie in or next to our bed for the first year. After that, she moved to a toddler bed (she was climbing out of her crib!) on the floor in our room. She’s 2 now, and sleeping in her own room after slowly transitioning her over 2 months.
Every family has different needs, and different reasons for the choices that they make. I just know that they’ll never be that little again – and I’ve got Hubby for the rest of his life – so he can just wait. lol I’ll make it up to him later!
Fact is, it would have done damage to our marriage if he forced me to listen to her cry every night.
The No Cry Sleep Solution is a great book, btw, I agree with Theresa. Check it out, it can’t hurt!
I guess I’m just lucky. My 3 year old used to love going to bed (he doesn’t anymore, but a little bit of complaining as he goes down isn’t going to singe MY eyebrows.) And then he’s out. He may come into my bed at about 4am, but by that time, I’m so deeply asleep his tossing and turning don’t bother me.
My 18 month old is a delicate sleeper, any noise will wake her and she wont go back to sleep. It can turn a 2 hour nap into a 30 min nap and a cranky baby (she’s already high strung so this is hell) But she falls asleep well, and almost sleeps the night, just waking for some milk or water.
The only constants I see with the way my kids sleep so well (and I’ve heard some horror stories of kids who definitely DONT) is a schedule based on their personal rythems, and yes… I put them to bed with milk… in a cup or a bottle.
Neither of them have had teeth problems, and the way I figure, the kids who get “Baby Bottle Mouth” get bottles all day long, walk around with them, are so used to them, that they will just fall asleep with a bottle dripping from their lip.
Maybe because my kids only get a bottle or milk-sippy when it’s bedtime, do they just suck it down and tell themselves that means sleepy-time.
I dunno, just sharing that it works for me, rather well.