This exercise bragging rant is going viral — because it’s hilarious
Are you totally over that friend who feels the need to check in on Facebook every freaking day at the asscrack of dawn to cheerily alert you to their extreme workout plan? Then this video is the lol-cry you need.
It comes to us from brilliant comedienne and mom of two Heather Land, the voice behind the popular Facebook page I Ain’t Doin It. Land’s videos, all done in silly Snapchat filters complete with squeaky voice, document all the shit she ain’t doin, including school fundraisers, flesh-colored leggings, and now, CrossFit. Of all the brands of Facebook braggers, exercise braggers might be the worst. She pulls no punches, and it’s perfection.
“Listen…I just want to thank all you CrossFitters out there for checking in with us on Facebook at 5:00 every morning,” she begins.
And holy shit, allow me add my voice to that thank you. Because without that check-in, how else would we know that you want everyone else to know that you’re up at dawn and heading to the gym instead of lying in bed like us lazy people? Would the workout even count otherwise? Would a single calorie be burned unless you shared with your 746 Facebook friends that you’re about to go “ass to grass” for the next 90 minutes or so?
Land sarcastically pans that she’s glad to know how many “amraps” (as many reps as possible, aka, NIGHTMARE) her pals are fitting in, hilariously calling it “good information to have.” And then she drops the mic.
“You’re better than me, is that what you want to hear?”
Honestly, is it? Because what other response is there? Can these people not keep a little Facebook group where they check-in and workout brag to each other about this shit so the rest of us can eat a giant blueberry muffin with our asses sunk into the couch without having to self-loathe? We don’t care. If we cared, we’d go too.
Which is Land’s next point. “What? Oh I know I could be there but I didn’t really have death penciled in on my schedule today so think I’m gonna pass. Pretty sure Wall Balls and Bear Crawls ain’t how I’m going out. Jesus is taking me home in a cocktail dress, OK? Not my Danskin shorts.”
If you do CrossFit or some other workout before the sun is up, good for you. I genuinely mean that. I’m a lifelong gym rat myself, but my Facebook friends have no idea. Because I know they don’t care. And they know where the gym is located should they decide to join me. They don’t need my pesky little check-ins.
Land wraps up her glorious rant echoing our thoughts exactly. “Tell you one thing, I’d rather catch my pinky toe on a bed frame than to be caught dead at Crossfit. Mmhmm. I ain’t doin it.”
And if you are doin it, no one wants to hear about it at 5:00 am. Trust.