Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Laverne is the blonde half of Kindred Adventures’s, Laverne and Shirley. Two kindred best friends embracing life adventures of friendship, motherhood and marriage. We are following life’s road, creating our own path, trying not to get lost, or run out of gas. We collect souvenirs and we stop for directions!
The day we brought our second daughter home from the hospital my dad said his good byes. He waved and turned to leave. My oldest daughter stood up in the middle of the room, said, “Look at me!” and started to walk.
I should have realized.
Potty training time came. The first day, I stood in the next room sobbing to my girl friend on the phone. I had put my daughter on the potty for several minutes and nothing happen. I sat her in her chair for lunch minutes later. She looked up at me, looking me straight in the eye from the now peed on kitchen chair and said, “Oopies happen Mommy!” (with the same emphasis of giving someone the finger.)
I should have realized.
We drove to her annual school Halloween parade. She looked adorable in her Minnie Mouse costume, but insisted on wearing the headband ears in front of her ears and on her forehead. It made her look weird.
I should have realized.
I always thought that because your child came from you, your love would come pouring out of you unconditionally, without hesitation or effort. My love did. But, never did I think that I would find my own child difficult to like! I could work with the most difficult and disabled young adults. I could find the smallest strength or likable quality in them. I could develop a plan to enable and empower them to be the best they could be. Even with all that, I had a daughter who I thought was weird. She did weird stuff. She acted weird. She enjoyed dressing weird. She annoyed me and tested every ounce of my being. At three years old this was affecting my ability to like her.
I was sharing my struggles with my sister and she turned to me and said, “You can’t say that about her. You can’t talk about her like that. She’s your daughter!” With a heavy heart I reflected. I was mad at my sister. I knew she was right. It was me, not my daughter. From that day forward I changed the way I looked at her. It was also when I discovered what I should have realized: Things I found odd and weird were not weaknesses. They were strengths. She is uniquely creative and has an expansive imagination. She sees the world in a way I would never dream of. She often knows what others will think of her, but is strong enough to do it her way. She is stubborn with a persistency that gets things done. She is my daughter and we are more alike then I knew. She possesses skills and qualities that make her talented and special.
I should have realized. She’s a lot like me!
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Isn’t that the truth? All the things we dislike in them are directly from us. WHOOPS : )
I am glad you love her so much. Children are a blessing!
Life with Kaishon recently posted..a million dollar question
Tes-ti-fy! I have often thought the same about my daughter – until I realized, for better or worse, that SHE is ME, and I am NOT looking forward to puberty!
Misfit Mommy recently posted..Fools for Love
Sometimes I see a lot of myself in my children and it drives me crazy. But I also qualities in them that I do not possess that are so special. I’m glad you realized the things that drove you crazy about your daughter were her strengths and not weaknesses.
Friends used to tell me my son was “unique”, and that he was “something else” . I knew they were telling me he was odd. Odd in the eyes of people that expect cookie cutter kids. No, my son didn’t spend hours watching Barney like his brothers….he preferred the History Channel. He didn’t sneak candy, his vice was green peppers. Was he odd? I suppose so. He didn’t really date, he was the kid in class that was labeled ‘nerd’, ‘unusual’ and was often asked if he was sure he was 15 and not 35. His peers would laugh at him and call him a suck-up because he always knew how to solve the problem the teacher posed to the class….maybe not with the steps the teacher taught. He was the first person that sprang to mind when I first heard the phrase “thinks outside the box”.
It broke my heart knowing that others didn’t see the kid INSIDE the kid. He struggled like any kid does. He wanted to be “normal” but his intelligence got in the way. It marked him in a way. We had some VERY rough days.
Now, as we have come out of that tunnel, a man has emerged. He is confident, successful, has a wonderful girlfriend, that in my opinion, is perfect for him,,,,,and you know what? All those years of my heart breaking because of him being ‘different’, now I see they were just shaping a life that is beginning to blossom and what was once perceived as odd by his peers, is now recruited by employers.
Life has a funny way of working out, despite our efforts to make things “normal”.
OHN recently posted..Have you ever
Love this post! I agree the things that drive me the most crazy about my kids are actually things I do myself. My parents always laugh and say “payback is a bitch”. hahahaha.
Skinny Mom’s Kitchen recently posted..Eating Healthy at Restaurants- Can it be Done
It is so true. Sometimes my son can pretty impatient and he tends to get frustrated easily. But all I have to do is look in the mirror to know where he get it from!
SaucyB recently posted…A Stranger in My Own Home
It’s scary that our kids turn out so much like us. Really gives me motivation to work on my flaws, but it’s so encouraging when I see them get things right!
Lynn recently posted..Apply for WIC online
what a great post!! i do something similar when i think it’s my kids being crabby or “bad” or whatever… and usually, it’s just me being impatient. kids are kids and we need to nurture their creativity, not stifle it. great post Laverne!!
julia recently posted..I might set off metal detectors
Please don’t tell me that all I hate about my mother it’s how I am. Please.
But then, you’re right. I was in seven grade and we were supposed to make a list based on the manner of acting of our class mates. One group had Me. Turn out, I was an extreme person. Just like my mother who can now laugh, but the next moment will turn into tears for nothing.
Now you know what crazy, messed up readers you’ve got!
I find it fantastic that you’re able to let her just be ‘weird’! Many parents aren’t able to do that – and it’s one thing I’m working on as well.
You are so right, we love our kids but don’t always like them. One of mine is that way, I just can’t connect with him. He is weird and does impulsive, strange, annoying things. He has no friends. I try to make our home a refuge for him to escape the ugliness, but he is so difficult that I often fail at that even. I have to keep his older siblings from saying out loud that he is weird. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in thinking these things. It is really hard though, when your hopes for your child don’t pan out, and you have to relearn how to parent or to change your expectations (for the child and for yourself). Childhood is the hard part for these unique beings, and for mom and dad, too. Who doesn’t want a “normal” child? But as my brother proved (whom my son is so much like), he can still find a wife, have a family, get a great job, and function in society and even become a contributing member of it. It’s a long road, and moms with like children need to support each other (and let someone you see struggling with the same thing know that you are in it with them).
My daughter is similar to me in some ways. However, she is much more like her father (my ex-husband). Even some of her smallest mannerisms are so much like him that it’s kind of eerie.
I correct myself a lot. My daughter is different from other girls her age. She is more mature, she thinks about things differently, and she dresses how she wants. She wears green and purple together. And it looks good. Things I would never put together on my body, she does, and gets away with it. I find that when I see her pulling clothes out that shouldn’t go together, I have to bite my tongue. I have to sit back and let her find her own way. With clothes, with friends (which are difficult for her to make since she has a hard time relating to kids her age, and the older kids don’t want a 6 year old around), with everything. I have to let her be her own person. And that’s hard for someone who has spent the majority of her life attempting to fit a mold. It’s a learning experience for sure… and I’m so very glad you have shared your experience here.
I’m changing how I’m thinking about my daughter – in terms of labels – by reading the book “Raising your spirited child”. It’s a god-send. Instead of thinking she’s stubborn, I think persistent. Etc. It might help you even more. If nothing else, I find myself glad to be reading it because a lot of the kids in there are MUCH more spirited than my daughter is. :)
What a wonderful post! We don’t always realize things right away, but when we do, it often hits us like a ton of bricks.
I also really enjoyed reading others’ comments. I can really relate.
Mommy 2.0 recently posted..Hi My name is Mommy and I am a chaos addict
Sometimes the idiosyncrasies we see in our children are just that, quirky little things. Sometimes they’re problems that need to be addressed. Sometimes, things just aren’t what you expected. My kids are crazy, quirky, fun and irritating. I love them always but sometimes i really don’t like them.
That’s what motherhood is…dealing with the little things, the ups and downs. My kids are older now and looking back, i wouldn’t change a thing. Well, maybe those 16 broken bones.
One of my twins tries my patience at every turn and I realized a couple of years ago that those qualities in his personality which drove me the most crazy were the ones that I also possessed. I still find some of “my” traits annoying, but I’ve tried to not show my annoyance with him. Congratulations on having such a strong willed little girl!
Amanda recently posted..Blackmail Picture
I’m always so grateful to have had a sensible older sister who had her kids first; her middle guy was much harder for her than the other two, primarily because they shared an identical personality. She would tell me that there were moments/weeks/months when she simply couldn’t stand him, but she always knew it was temporary. And she was right. Just gotta trust yourself to love them even when the going gets tough…
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..Clutter No- my childhood
I must admit that I have a tough time with my oldest who is now a teenager. That little bugger is so much like me it drives me insane. And I think it’s okay to admit that you don’t like your child – at least the behavior,
Cathy recently posted..random questions
Thank you for being honest and posting that. Now I don’t feel so alone. My oldest daughter (which is a mini me) pushes every button and picks and picks until I am furious and my head is spinning. I do a lot of telling myself I am the parent, do not let her have all this control over me. But it is a very hard relationship most of the time.
Holly Taylor recently posted..Making love to your food
I’ll be the the first to admit my Kiddo is…amazing. But are so alike we often drive the other nuts. We have exactly the same temper and tend to butt heads or loose patience with each other far too frequently.
Lovely post–thanks for sharing.
Vinobaby recently posted..The InSignificance of Signs
What a wonderful post! She sounds like my 4 yo. I used to cringe when she asked to wear headbands because they inevitably ended up across her forehead like a freaking hipster or around the back of her head with the ends up by her temples. Now I just laugh – or try to. I hope she can hold on to her individuality and her self confidence. I hope I can encourage her instead of trying to conform her. I doubt I do a good job but I try.
Thank you for this post. I too have a “weird” daughter. I was telling my cousin about her the other day, about how stubborn she is, how she wants to do things her own way, and my cousin replied, “She’s independent like her mama.” I guess I should’ve realized too!
Yeah, sometimes you have to look at yourself and your kids a little, well, sideways . . . When my kids have rebelled against me as babies, infants, kids, tweens and teens . . . sometimes I almost laugh because they are under the impression that I’m the grownup here. ha! Joke’s on them.
Love this. My son and I are too much alike. Every conflict seems to arise from our similarities (talking way too much, caring way too much, a certain weirdness) than from our differences.
I love what you came to see in your daughter. Beautiful.
What is it about mothers and daughters? I don’t have a daughter, but I certainly have a mother. We will never admit how alike we are — or that those MANY similarities are the reason for our sometimes rocky relationship. You have a jump on me though — my mother and I didn’t start to realize all this until I was a full-grown, sassy-mouthed teenager/young adult. Your kiddo is three? You’re golden. :)
Sarah recently posted..The Reluctant Circus Monkey
omg i’ve had those same thoughts and feelings about my daughter before! thank you for sharing this so i know im not alone, and for giving me a new perspective on how to deal with her. :)
Echo recently posted..A giant bunny or a man in a costume
This is something I repeat often. My mother once told me that ‘I got the daughter I deserved’.
On the days when she tries my patience beyond endurance I know that to be true. On the days when my heart is so full of pride in her it could literally burst – I know that to be true.
HerMelness Speaks recently posted..Are Online Relationships Real
This really was well written and needed to be said. I have a 10 year old who is truly getting on our nerves and while I love my life girl, I really do not like her now.
It’s scary to think of the traits she is displaying as becoming part of personality as a grown woman. My husband, who is not her father says frequently, “She is just not like you at all, she has a lot to learn from you.”
When I quietly sit back and think of my childhood, I can see that Lexi is acting exactly as I did. The little girl I don’t like right now is the little girl I was. I was very challenging for me to admit to my husband that the truth is, I was Lexi too.
He is such a good guy and his reply was that knowing that was a major sense of relief. Now he has faith that Lexi will grow out of her ways and she will most likely become someone people do like.
Jill, thanks again!
Tracy recently posted..A Womb With a View- Top Ten Things NOT to say to a Pregnant Mamma