So… I have this fantastic time-consuming new job. It requires me to have childcare for Evan, and last week we hired a nanny. A nanny turned nurse turned nanny from Craigslist who came with glowing references, a clean background and a reliable car. Evan took to her immediately and anyone who my kid likes, I like. And if she washes dishes and folds laundry? Even better.
Today was a good day. I worked at Starbucks and typed away on my laptop à la Carrie Bradshaw. I’m getting into a routine and learning the fine art of balance. I ran to the grocery store for a handful of items, and stood in line at the post office without schlepping a kid. I came home and ate lunch with my son, planning to return to work while he napped alongside me. It was perfect.
Perfect, until I was saying goodbye to the new nanny. It’s funny, she said cocking her head, as she grabbed her coat, Evan almost looks like a Jew-boy.
{WHATTHEFUCKHOLDTHEPHONEYOUDIDNOTREALLYSAYTHATTOME}
Ummm, well, we are Jewish, so I suppose he would look like a Jew, I stammered, feeling like I’d been punched in the gut.
Oh, she said, face turning red, um… I sat for a Jewish person, once…You just don’t seem Jewish. Your house is so {NORMAL?} ummm… it’s not covered with all that “stuff.” And you don’t look Jewish or even act it. When I asked what she meant by that, she responded that I was “earthy.” Now, I am a lot of things, but earthy I am not.
I brought Evan to the couch for a story and nap while she put on her coat and said goodbye. She’s coming tomorrow as planned, though I have no idea what the day will bring. I’m not in a position to fire her on the spot without any other care lined up, but I am not comfortable employing someone who would utter such a statement. My parents think this could be a learning experience for her— teach the ignorant that we’re all the same and everything, but I’m pretty sure I’m not interested in the job.
And I’m really dreading tomorrow.
{If you’ve gotten this far, read my follow up post here.}
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{ 206 comments }
Dude. I can’t figure out what the hell you should say or do now.
.-= JenniferG´s last blog ..I May End Up Perishing In A Vat Of Lava. Just Sayin’ =-.
YikesIcan’tbelieveshethoughtthatandsaidit!
Whatever you decide, good luck!
Ugh.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..sausages on stick =-.
oh gee…
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..I Heart Faces | Best Faces Photo =-.
I’m so sorry this happened when you thought you had the perfect sitter. I say give her some time though. Your parents may be right. I would sit her down and talk to her. Explain to her your feelings about her comments and make it clear they were unacceptable in your home. Tell her you really value her as a sitter and that Evan really takes to her as well. You would hate to lose that and hope that she understands what is acceptable and what is not.
You never know, she may turn out to be a dear friend one day. At least give it a little time before you decide. Just my .02.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I think I’m leaning towards that. But, then I want to punch her.
Un.Believe.Able.
Wow! What she said to you was just plan stupid. I hope that she is very young and just did not know what she was saying. I am African American and I hate when people say such nonsense like I don’t talk Black or act Black. You could use this as a teaching moment, but I have learned that it is best to go with what your gut is telling you.
She’s in her 60s. Sigh.
As a person who sometimes seriously suffers from foot in mouth disease, I think that you should definitely talk to her. What she said was not cool at all, but it also doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person. She just wasn’t using her brain at the time. She’s probably incredibly embarrassed and as appalled at herself as you are at her. If she is as great a nanny as you say, she’s worth at least trying to keep around. I suggest sitting down with her, telling her how you feel, and seeing where it goes.
Bottom line though, do what your heart tells you is best for your family. Good luck.
.-= JustOneMiss´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Santa Monica Pier =-.
I don’t think she is a bad person. I do think she is ignorant and stupid and do I want that around my kids?
Ouch. I think I’d feel unsettled too. Some people just don’t think before they speak, but in this case, at least her lack of tact has helped you see her true colours.
I hope you can find an solution soon.
.-= Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Glee, I think I love thee! =-.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I cannot BELIEVE she said that. Who thinks that way? What does it matter if you are Jewish or not? What do Jewish people look like? Seriously. I don’t blame you for wanting to replace her…has she been living under a rock her whole life? Her comment honestly turned my stomach. I’m not trying to be critical of her, I’m just…horrified. ~Susan
.-= Susan (woo222)´s last blog ..Thief =-.
Wow.
Not sure what would have done in that “teaching” hallmark moment.
I would look for another nanny. And NOT on craigslist. Have you called a nanny service?
As for the nanny. Sounds like she had one of those moments where you think to yourself, “Did I just say that out loud?” Oops.
Yes, it could be a possible teaching scenario. But honestly, do you want to play teacher?
I wouldn’t but that’s just me.
.-= ggs_closet´s last blog ..Dressing For You =-.
That’s exactly where my head is. Yes, talking to a nanny place, but they’re not going to screen this crap. :(
I would definelty NOT want someone who doe snot think before thye speak watching my child…even though I DO let my MIL watch ours
anyways
I think you made the right decision (ish) i would not jump and fire her right away because hse is not necessarily putting your child in danger however I would start the search for a new sitter ASAP!
Congrats again on the new job
.-= Jessica Jones´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday =-.
When I saw your tweet my mouth absolutely fell open. I still can’t even believe someone would say that. I mean, to what end? I’m just. I’m speechless.
If you don’t feel comfortable giving her what for, could your husband sit down with her? Because I really think she needs to know what she did was WRONG.
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Four =-.
I am not Jewish, but have a Jewish last name (husband’s family) and always get the “You don’t *look* like a Jew” comments. What the eff? And thanks for pointing it out, jeez.
People are stupid.
.-= elzimmy´s last blog ..Mother Chick Chat – a.k.a. All About Me =-.
People often criticise Gregory Peck’s character in A Gentleman’s Agreement as naive believing he should have expected and been less shocked about the racism.
But, obviously, Goldberg was write ‘It really hits you when it’s your children’.
Fire her and give her a copy of the movie while you do it.
.-= An Idle Dad´s last blog ..An_Idle_Dad: @TudorGrrrl Yup. #suckstobeachick =-.
That’s exactly what it was. I’ve dealt with some of this crap before, but not about my kid, you know?
And that should read ‘Goldberg was right!’ My fail.
.-= An Idle Dad´s last blog ..An_Idle_Dad: @JohannaBD @mygreenpatch but instead is "Gardener, I’ve got a backyard and what goes well with spuds?"#sickofthesamequestions? =-.
As much as I would like to say talk to her and explain your position, you owe her no explanation. You need to have her explain her position. She has worked for a Jewish famiky. She should already know better.
Question her hard about her belief structure, particularly as it relates to her religious and racial attitudes. If you get acceptable and believable responses, let it ride for awhile to see how she handles the situation. Keep an open mind and let her know that but let her know that you do expect open mind and tolerance and will gladly accept her queries about your religion if they are geared toward her learning about Judaism and Jews as a sub culture within the US (much like being Italian for instance).
Good luck.
That’s really good advice. Thank you.
Yeah…Craig’s List…lotta winners there! Good luck!
.-= Kathee´s last blog ..Post it Note Tuesday: Notes about My Life =-.
I cannot believe the stupidity that still exists.
I wish I had something better or more profound to say, but I don’t.
Yikes.
.-= Andrea from Big Blue Momma´s last blog ..2010 is not being nice to me… =-.
I’m sorry, but I’m just going to be honest here Jill. I simply couldn’t abide by having someone who not only THINKS that way (I just can’t imagine THINKING like that!!!) but SAYS that outloud, in my home. More power to you, I suppose, for being more compassionate and considering that this could be a teaching moment. It’s not my best trait, for sure, but I’m sure I would have flown off the handle at her and kicked her to the curb right then and there. If she ends up working for you, then great…but wow, I really think it’s shocking. And appalling. UGH.
.-= christy´s last blog ..The Cutest Baby Girl’s Room EVER! =-.
When I saw this on Twitter, I wanted to send you a tweet asking just what a Jew Boy looks like. I am totally stunned. I can’t imagine any aged person saying something like that.
Good luck!
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Won’t You Be My Neighbor? =-.
Wow, that is a tough one. I was going to say maybe its her age but that is not a good excuse.
.-= Jen @ buried with children´s last blog ..Bed =-.
Oh man, do I have a knee-jerk reaction to this. Maybe because I am Jewish… but wow does this effing piss me off! (See, told you!)
I’d fire her. Plain and simple. (Sorry…) Only because it makes me wonder whether this stereotype (and that’s me being kind) is the only one this woman has. I am guessing it’s not and I’d hate to find out what she thinks of other groups too. And more importantly if she repeats that kind of ignorance around my kid. UNACCEPTABLE! End of story.
I know it’s hard to find good people but why take the risk?
Sorry you went through this and good luck!
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse: Cuckoo for Coco (O’Brien) =-.
Geez louise. I wouldn’t know what to do. But I do know you’ll never find the “perfect” nanny, and as others have said, this truly could be a learning experience. It obviously embarrassed her, so I doubt she’ll ever utter another word about race/religion/sexuality/so on and so forth ever again, you know what I mean?
But if it was my kids, I don’t know that I could take the chance either. Good grief I just don’t know what you should do. Hope it gets worked out quickly though.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Obligatory Snow Post =-.
Her age makes it make a little bit more sense to me. My In-Laws… scratch that, My MIL’s husband and my FIL (not the same person) still say stupid shit that I won’t repeat here, but at least on the Step FIL side, I don’t think he means it disrespectfully… it’s how he was raised, he got used to it, then he got old, and well, once they get stuck in a way of thinking at that age, it’s hard to change things.
I bet she feels like a total shmuck and will probably apologize tomorrow???? (I’m hoping anyway!) At any rate, I agree that you should talk to her about it, and if it’s going to be a problem, then axe her, and by that I mean, find new child care. Don’t actually take an axe to her… I did not say that…
.-= Julie´s last blog ..True Story Tuesday =-.
–>We have a motto in our house, “The Stupid Shall Be Punished.”
I saw you tweet this earlier and was shocked at her ignorance.
It sounds like it needs to be addressed first thing til you line up another nanny. Although if you decide to keep her, no one (well me) will judge.
I have a very “exotic” looking friend and she gets people all the time asking her, “What are you?” She says, American.
Good luck!
.-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday =-.
I hired a nanny like that once and ultimately had to let her go. I was pretty sure that she had never met anyone Jewish or black up-close and personal before. I don’t think it couldn’t work if I had wanted it to, but for me, I just couldn’t be comfortable with her in my house as an almost-member of my family. She was also really young and pretty immature. I think ultimately it is just what you are comfortable with. Wow though – that’s just crazy, although ultimately not all that shocking unfortunately. Good luck!
Well we had this discussion earlier on Twitter. Nothing surprises me anymore. I have been in your shoes, except in our case it was a physical difference and not a religious/cultural bias that created the divide. The first time it happens it is shocking. Let’s hope you don’t have to deal with it again.
I think your parents have a valid point about teaching her, except that in her 60′s it is unlikely you are going to change this woman’s attitude. I would start to look for a replacement ASAP and use this as a teaching moment for YOU. Now you have an idea of things to look out for…social/religious/cultural biases . Great, like you needed one more thing to do!
.-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..Who Needs M&M’s? I Melt Hearts =-.
hun, you know i’m minutes away. i hate knowing that you experienced this today. xoxo to you and beautiful evan.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..anxiety angst =-.
Oy vey.
.-= Stimey´s last blog ..If My Kids Can Celebrate Their Birthdays All Week Long, So Can MLK =-.
I couldn’t believe this when I saw you speak about it earlier on Twitter. It saddens me that there is still that kind of ignorance, but equally sad is that it didn’t surprise me. I would be torn between trying to help her see the error of her ways, and finding another nanny. Given her age, which in itself may be age discrimination, it may be a hopeless task to change her thinking.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Needing some political schooling =-.
there are a lot of ignorant child care workers. i know because i used to be one of them and heard all the kinds of slurs and ignorant things that were being said. parents never heard it.
.-= Aimee´s last blog ..cheeze and chocolate =-.
It’s crazy that she thought that was ok to say. People are bizarre.
I’m really curious to see what she says tomorrow. I’m sure she is horrified, and her explanation and acknowledgment may help you make the decision. Let’s hope she just comes out and apologizes without any further excuses or deeper hole-digging.
Sorry about this…
.-= LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..Hoarder in training =-.
I can’t believe her! He looks like a jew boy? Who on Earth would mutter such a sentence? What an idiot! Hopefully she either redeems herself fast OR you find someone else. I mean, I’m all for second chances and some people do have Foot In Mouth Syndrome but she definitely owes you a BIG apology, and your son.
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Is it time for a change, or is it not? =-.
I am Jewish, I am not so tolerant of ignorance and I abhor the term “Jew boy”.
I would worry about what lessons employing her is teaching my child but maybe it is me that needs to learn tolerance?
In the meantime I am quite positive another day or two can do no harm at all and maybe this women will learn so much from you.
Mazel Tov on the job!
I’m stunned that someone could say something like that, but unfortunately it’s happened to me a couple of times. I grew up one of 9 jews in my whole high school and it wasn’t until 11th grade that someone who I thought was a friend said a derogatory comment to me. I lost respect for him then, but realize now that he probably didn’t know any better and probably heard someone else making fun of jews. I try not to ever make fun of another race (um…because its not right!).
10 years ago, I worked at a major New York Television Station on a nightly newscast. A reporter’s teenage son was there, making fun of Paula Jones, saying she was a “dirty jews”. Um.. kid, she isn’t jewish. His explanation to another reporter was “oh, he doesn’t like Jews”. I thought to myself, “You’re not teaching him that not liking a race is wrong?”. I never spoke to the reporter again, because I was so uncomfortable with what his son said.
As for your situation, I’m sorry. Talking to her may be a good way to find out what she really thinks — she may have just said things the wrong way or not understand that it was a derogatory comment. She may be genuinely sorry and turn out to be a wonderful caregiver for your child. Or you may have to find a new nanny. I wish you luck.
What happened to the filter from the brain to the mouth? Even if someone might think such things, which WHY?, but even if they did, why would you vocalize it? OUT LOUD? Maybe it’s because I overthink things, but it just seems common sense.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Morning, Afternoon, Evening =-.
I think the second you feel like Evan is picking up on those feelings of “jew boy” radiating out of her she’s gone. It’s one thing to think something, but if those thoughts color how she treats him or what she imparts to him.
also, YIKES. I’ve never had anyone say anything like that to me. If they did I wouldn’t know how to respond. Then again I live in NYC. We’re all Jewish here.
.-= Molly´s last blog ..My Lady Crush =-.
tomorrow, you should whip out your tallis and teffilin, make some chopped liver – pop a Woody Allen retrospective into the BetaMax – go out for early bird dinner , start speaking Yiddish and make your own Challah !
At first, earlier today – i thought this was a young woman. But after reading the comments , I see she is old enough to know better. If she so casually lets out stereotypical rhetoric in front of you …what about what she may be teaching your son. Overtly or otherwise.
It’s gonna suck – but you’ve got to replace her.
.-= swirl girl´s last blog ..the one in which she thinks e.e. cummings had a personal trainer** =-.
Um, yeah. That is NOT okay.
As someone who has a short temper, my first reaction would probably have been to tell her to eff right off. But, after reading everyone’s calm, “You need to talk to her” comments, I guess they’re probably right.
My concern is, if someone says something like that once, who is to say that he/she will not say similar things like it in the future, even if she receives a stern talking-to
.-= Lona´s last blog ..Excuse me while I chatter. =-.
People don’t actually say those kind of things, do they? I mean, really?
Truly a what-the? moment. No advice, other than trust your own judgement. With you in spirit.
Holy crap I cannot believe she said that! Well, I sort of can. I am always shocked at the thing people say to and about Jews, in particular. I am super sensitive to it now that my husband is Jewish and my kids may end up choosing Judaism and we go to temple and all. People always say things like “oh, you don’t seem Jewish” or “your kids don’t look Jewish” and even “aren’t you glad your kids didn’t get that Jew look?”!!! WTF? Or – they combine a Jewish comment with a Long Island comment and ask if our house is decorated like a Jewish House on Long Island or New Jersey with lots of white and really modern. I always want to throw up. I grew up on the Island – now they are insulting both of us!
Bob gives good advice but I don;t think I could do that. I would say with certainty it is not your job and you should not have to worry about that every day on top of a new job. Employment Over. If she says things like this how many other things might she say in front of Evan that would be teaching him things you would never approve of.
That totally sucks after such a great day! I feel for you. Good luck!
Was she stoned? Who says these kinds of things (let alone thinks them)? It’s just … wow. Sorry to hear things have taken this turn, especially on an otherwise Carrie Bradshaw-like day.
Oh my, just oh my. Some people really need to learn to think before they speak. I’m not sure what I would do in that situation. I see your parents point, but at the same time who is to say she won’t put her foot in her mouth again. I still can’t believe she said that.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Happy Babies =-.
holyfuckseriously????????
wow. girl needs to learn about that lil thing called a FILTER.
hooooollyyyyyy moly.
im sorry you had to deal with that.
.-= crazyassmomma´s last blog ..POST-IT NOTE TUESDAY: F the Flu edition =-.
On one hand, I have had several friends who spent MONTHS trying nanny after nanny and being unable to come up with anyone who would be on time and do the simple things like remember to keep one hand on the baby on the changing table (which negligence resulted in a concussion in a 3 month old who hit the floor).
On the other hand, the horror of that kind of ignorance and lack of discretion influencing one’s children would be hard to stomach. While I applaud your willingness to try to educate her, honestly, my two cents is to have a conversation about the incident up front to let her know how hair-raising such comments (and their underlying assumptions) are, and then spend your free-time looking for her replacement. Ignorance of that sort won’t hurt your baby physically, and if she’s good at her job, a short term with him while you seek out someone better won’t be a disaster for him. Personally, I couldn’t live with myself having someone that vocally racist (she no doubt thinks Jews are a separate race) as my child’s caregiver. But then, half my family is Jewish and the other half is Japanese, and I would be all up in the grill of anyone who cast slurs at my children.
.-= MommyTime´s last blog ..The Siren Call of Stuff (part 1) =-.
There’s stupidity, and then there’s ignorance. Stupidity can be excused–we all can be stupid about things sometimes. Ignorant, however, is something else. What other “knowledge” does she have that she might share with your son that he might end up repeating and believing because his sweet, competent, but ignorant nanny taught him that? I wouldn’t push her out the door, but someone else in a role model position is probably a good move.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..WEEKEND MUSINGS: Riding the Wheel of Fortune =-.
Oh boy. That is just awful.
She should hang out with our nannyshare partners. The husband told our nanny to not hang out with Mexicans when the swine flu broke out.
.-= DCUrbanDad´s last blog ..10 random bits of joy on a Random Tuesay =-.
Oh my gosh!!! Some people are such idiots. I’m sorry I’m not nearby so I could pinch hit babysitting for you until you find someone else.
Good luck!!
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Daughters! =-.
Like I said earlier, replace her ASAP. Let THAT be her lesson.
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..Letting Go =-.
Yowza. (I’m cocking my head in disbelief…wonder if she has a derogatory term for middle-aged Irish women? Eeesh.)
How happy I am I’ve NEVER heard anyone use the term she used today in my forty-five years. How sorry I am that your sweet boy now has heard such a thing at an age far younger….and more tender. Ooof.
Wishing you peace as you decide what to do.
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Way Back When-esday: What Do You See? =-.
That’s just awful. Shame on that woman.
Did she apologize at least? Goodness, I seriously don’t even know what to write, I’m so flabbergasted.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Steak Um Fun =-.
No, she didn’t. I don’t even know if she thought it was wrong! I’m dying to see if she does apologize tomorrow.
Whoooooaaaaaa…..
I’m not even kidding my jaw DROPPED on the floor.
Please please find someone new asap.
xoxo, A
Dude, if someone did the same to me. Made a reference to my heritage. I would be a lot less compassionate. There are many awesome nannys out there that are looking for a job.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..And so, it begins. Again. =-.
I’m not so much compassionate as I am desperate. I’m looking for someone new, but she needs to stay in the meantime. Which sucks.
You should have asked her what a Jewish home would look like, and ask why your house is so different. Really let her expose her ignorance. And immediately start looking for other help.
Really? Cause he doesn’t look like a Jewboy to me at all. Was he snacking on a bagel or something?
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Define This =-.
He was counting his coins, M.
Oh no!!!!
.-= WackyMummy´s last blog ..this morning =-.
Unbelievable. Did you tell her that you were actually blacker than Barack Obama?
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Happy New Year! =-.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Sorry, I’m pretty much speechless. Good luck tomorrow.
On a happy note, glad you’re liking your new job!
.-= Deb´s last blog ..Tuesday roundups return =-.
oh so sad. but I agree with your parents. this could be a learning experience for her. if she’s really good with your son, I would consider letting her stay and maybe things will get better. I’m sure she already learned to not say harsh things like that.
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Playtime =-.
Of course there are stereotypes of what Jewish people are “supposed” to look like but those are stereotypes same as any religion or culture or ethnic group gets (like because I’m a Christian I’m supposed to be a crazy because of how Hollywood portrays born-agains and I live in Nebraska so automatically I live on a farm and listen to country music). But don’t most people (especially educated people who work with people as in nannies and nurses) know such thing as being polite? I think we all think stereotypically sometimes (like saying that Obama is light-skinned – something we can all see if we look at him) but to say it out loud is a whole other thing! Some things are better left in your head…
.-= S Club Mama´s last blog ..Sesame Street Live =-.
I don’t understand this at all. First, why would anyone say that? Second, as I think of my Jewish friends I can’t say that I would look at any of them and say that any of them “look like a Jew” or that their homes look any different than mine. I just have no words left after reading this. I’m sorry that you have to deal with it.
Ummm… yeeeaaah…. Wow. That’s just…
Sad.
I’m speechless, really. If I had been in your shoes, I’m not sure I would have even been able to say ANYthing to her…
yeesh.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..I am *so* not the fashion plate. =-.
*blink*
I’d like to say that during the past 40 years I have never heard anything like that, but it would be a lie. My car was hit by a man who wasn’t paying attention.
He said that since I am Jewish I must be rich and that I should just let him walk away. He was also older, I am guessing in his early 60′s.
I “corrected” him on the spot and got his information so that my car would be repaired. If he had been working for me there is a good chance that he would have been fired.
I don’t necessarily mind ignorance, but around kids…I don’t know.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Almost Warrior =-.
I’ve heard crap, too. Living in Tennessee for 3 years was eye opening. But, this hit lower since it was directed at my child. My baby.
this offended me so horribly. you need to get rid of her. you do!! i wrote a post because of how horrified i was from this whole incident!! i can NOT believe that ignorance is alive and kicking it’s ugly heels.
Yeak…what a moron!
.-= Leigh´s last blog ..The part where I make good on my promise. =-.
I don’t know that you can educate a grown woman. I would go back on the hunt for a caregiver and shuttle this woman out of your life as soon as possible. If she makes these “assumptions” when talking to you, just imagine what she’ll teach your child.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Evirella =-.
I can see the precarious position you find yourself in. I don’t have any idea how I would begin to deal with it. I guess I’d be sitting at home right now, wondering what apology or explanation or anything I would need to hear when she arrived tomorrow for me to feel the relationship could be salvaged. I’m really sorry.
.-= patois´s last blog ..Sleeping on the Job =-.
her lesson should be, talk like that to people and you get fired.
just. wow.
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..it’s the little things. =-.
I really hate all of the drama that goes along with child care. I mean, would it really be so hard to have them just say and do the things that we would do? I have a hard time with people making statements about religion, race and nationality…I can tolerate most other things. What a dumb comment!
.-= Alecia´s last blog ..Advanced Breastfeeding =-.
find another nanny and fire her. Don’t invite that kind of nastiness into your house, especially not to watch your baby. Yikes!
Oh my goodness, Jill! Unbelievable! I often receive odd and sometimes hurtful comments about my own religion and heritage. It’s always hard to know how to react. Especially when kids are involved.
.-= Lolli´s last blog ..Fears? Conquered! A WordFul Wednesday =-.
This annoyed me SO MUCH. I agree with what you tweeted tonight: I’ve gotten that too, but when it happens to your kids? DOUBLE UGH. I’m sorry that your nanny was perfect except for this one huge ignorant quality. :(
.-= Melisa´s last blog ..Dinner With A Five Year Old =-.
Growing up with a hearing disability (I’m now deaf) and being constantly referred to as a half breed (Native American in redneck coutry)…even with every fiber in my bone saying, don’t let on it bothers you. I would of not so politely put her in her place. I grew up around people like her and trust me she’s not going to change her tune overnight.
It was a sucker punch. But look at it this way, at least you know what your dealing with and there are no longer any hidden agendas on her feelings toward Jews. I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. (Hugs)Indigo
.-= Indigo´s last blog ..A Deeper Kind of Silent =-.
That is a terrible terrible way to speak.. never the less to your employer!
If you are not comfortable, you must go with your gut.
I am so sorry you are put in this position. You are too good of a person to have to deal with
.-= Complicated Mama´s last blog ..My Keurig: Addicitive? or Magical? you decide. =-.
um, I’d send her to http://www.antiracistparent.org instead of any tips on what Jews look like. And I’d sit her down and say that although she may be awesome in the child care department, under NO uncertain terms will you allow ignorant, hurtful speech and rhetoric to be taught to your child.
And then start to find someone new.
.-= shelli´s last blog ..365.2- go ahead, call me a smurf; but at least I’m a warm smurf! =-.
My first thought was she was old and and from a differant time but then, I was thinking hell no!
We have the opposite issue. I’m a Jew by choice. I convert 7 year before
I met my husband. He often jokes that I’m more Jewish then he is.
My daughter attended a Jewish preschool and was often described as
not being “Jewish looking” Its been hard on our family not being Jewish enough.
I’ve had a lot of conversations with others about acceptance.
I would talk to her and ask her point blank if she has a problem
And that she is not allowed to make refrences to anything political
Or racial. And if your son has questions to direct him to you.
It is very hard because our instinct is to protect but we can’t.
You have to do what what makes you feel right. Good luck.
sorry, that website is now: http://loveisntenough.com/
.-= shelli´s last blog ..365.2- go ahead, call me a smurf; but at least I’m a warm smurf! =-.
Ignorance is not necessarily racism or religious persecution. It was a totally appalling statement but without knowing more about the nanny or, uh, what she meant about you not seeming Jewish, I try to err toward the positive. Meaning she’s probably just stupid, which I guess isn’t what you want minding your sweet kiddo, anyway.
If it makes you feel better, the very first time I met my (now) in-laws from West Virginia we went antique shopping and my MIL kept talking about “jewing ‘em down.” Like, over and over. I’d never heard the term but I got the idea. At one point, I told her I was Jewish and got a blank look. In fact, she’s never mentioned it again over the past ten years. And just today, we got a package that included a “Jesus Loves Me” bracelet and a tiny Fimo cross necklace. Whatever.
.-= Naomi´s last blog ..Steaz Review/Giveaway =-.
I don’t have adequate words to offer. Only one small one – sorry. I’m so sorry. On so many levels. Sorry for your aching mother heart, sorry for your slighted faith, sorry for the new worry to add to a new job, sorry for your nanny and her small, small world.
I hope you find comfort wrapped tight in Evan’s baby arms and baby curls tonight where – for stolen moments – life is a little simpler.
.-= thegypsymama´s last blog ..A wild generosity =-.
I cannot get over that someone would have the gall to say something so ignorant. Unbelievable.
As someone who is also Jewish, I still don’t understand what it means to “look Jewish”. My Jewish son is fair skinned, has a small button nose, long curly blond hair, and big blue eyes. His grandma and uncle have similar coloring and features. Our family has dark hair, blond hair, and red hair. We have brown, blue, and green eyes. We have dark and fair skin. We have big noses, small noses, and noses in-between. Fortunately, no one in my family has experienced racism or prejudice for being Jewish, but it is always hurtful for us to hear stories such as this. What does a “Jew-boy” look like…and what does it matter if he is Jewish or not? Being Jewish is one of those tricky things for racist and ignorant people because we don’t all have a “look”.
In your case, Jill, consider it a small blessing that the nanny proved to you what type of person she really is, before she attempted to share her ignorant and racist ways with your son.
.-= Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog´s last blog ..Big Brother (Part II) =-.
I’m guessing you would be surprised at the multitude of similar comments my family is subjected to on a regular basis…how about neighbor says to husband, “Wow, she’s working you like a Mexican!” Funny that, because he totally is one! Or, how about, “Where are you from?” My response: California? “No, I mean, like your nationality, because you talk so normal.” I guess as opposed to like an alien or something? Oh, and don’t even let me get started on the questions I get about my hair and my kids’ hair and how exactly it got the way it is. Really sucks. By now I’m used to it and I am able to respond with a smart retort that is WAY over their heads. But, I also am able to see that they aren’t doing it to hurt me per se, they are honestly just unable to do better to prevent from hurting me. I guess since I’ve dealt with it my ENTIRE life I’m not as stirred up by the whole thing, but believe me when I say I’m sad that it happened to you and I’m hopeful that the offender is sitting up right now thinking about what a complete tool she looks like to her TEMPORARY employer.
.-= parenting BY dummies´s last blog ..On the Wings of Nice Guys Finish Last =-.
What insular ignorance does that kind of comment come from. I would fire her when I could. So sorry this happened to you. Trustworthy child care is such an important element in our well-being.
.-= Deb Rox´s last blog ..FTC Blogger Material Relationship Hashtag Code, Proposed =-.
Bitches. Be. Crazy. The end.
Keep her, fire her, it’s up to you. You MAY and CAN fire her for this, if you choose. You WILL find another nanny. But, and this is just me, your baby likes her. You liked her until that exact second she opened her mouth.
I don’t know what to tell you, so I will tell you to not make any harsh decisions. People sometimes come with insanely stupid built in ideas and sometimes, crushing those ideas just takes one reasonable person.
Tough, dude. TOUGH.
.-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..What Goes Around Comes Around. Twice. =-.
Oh No, She Did Not. YIPES.
Wow. SO disturbing that so much ignorance is still out there. I really hope this makes her think about classifying people.
I thought my Irresponsible Hot Nanny was bad but yours takes the cake!!!
I understand you can’t let her go right away but please start looking. That comment was just ridiculous! And once that foot was in her mouth she just couldn’t take it out!!!
.-= Sophia’s Mom´s last blog ..New York City Never Looked This Good: Holidays & The City (Part 1) =-.
Gosh that’s so completely random. I can’t believe people say things like that? I’m sure she has lots of other random hateful things in her vocabulary if she came out with something like that…seriously..
I just don’t know what I would do.
.-= Angry Julie Monday´s last blog ..Musical Beds =-.
Oy to the vey.
…
Jewboy?! I mean….wow.
holy crap. i’m speechless. So sorry you’re dealing with this.
Ohh, my that is too crazy. I can’t wait to hear what happens next!!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Not My Usual Post… =-.
Blech. I’m so sorry. I hope you find a new nanny soon.
Seriously….I didn’t even know there was such a look as ‘little Jew boy’! WTF?
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..GREENS! =-.
Wow. The statement is appalling and rude.
I know it’s hard to find someone that clicks with your child, but her profound lack of common sense, sensitivity & judgment in uttering a statement like that would be a huge red flag to me. I wouldn’t want someone who was that clueless taking care of my child, no matter how great a caregiver she was.
.-= Momlissa @ Binkies & Bandaids´s last blog ..Reflections on the Last 14 Years =-.
I’ll bet she’s been kicking herself over her faux pas all night.
.-= angie´s last blog ..Wordful Wednesday-Reasons 453, 454, 455, 456, & 457 why I love living in Southern CA =-.
Oh no she didn’t…..please dump her! Your son doesn’t need to be cared for by someone that stupid and insensitive and ignorant I can keep going ……
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..Random Tuesday =-.
Wow. Just wow. People amaze me on a daily basis I swear. I don’t know what I’d do in that situation honestly.
.-= Mad Woman´s last blog ..I have crossed to the dark side….they had better cookies this week. =-.
Seriously?
When we moved from CO back to So Cal, we left a Christian kindergarten and my son still had 2 months before summer started. Where did we put him? Um, in the Temple ECE program where my Lutheran MIL has worked for 30 plus years. I don’t remember him looking any different than any of the other adorable 4 and 5 year olds.
How can a young, educated women in this day say something like that? Honestly, how can she even THINK something like that?
What the heck does a “Jew Boy” look like anyway? And “earthy”, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
This comment is just rambling, as I am totally confused and mortified.
I am just so tired of ignorant and rude people.
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..It’s life as she knows it. =-.
I’m at a loss. Seriously – no words. But I will be VERY interested to hear how this plays out…
Maybe she’s just not very bright? Talk to her first, tell her how upset you were. You never know, she might be kicking herself now for being such an ass, and wondering whether to apologize or what. If the baby is happy…?
.-= Nan´s last blog ..Breastfeeding: Not Enough Milk? =-.
I’m discouraged to hear this. Keep us posted. I’m anxious to hear…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I’m trapped with my family…and I can’t get out. =-.
What’s wrong with being a “jew-boy”? How cute! Oy!
As a suggestion, until you find less ignorant help, you could tell her her attitude and tone of voice offended you–that she sounded derisive, and then let that sit… leave her hanging with that and see what she does with it. I mean as a learning experience for her, or just to yank her chain (for you). ;)
.-= WackyMummy´s last blog ..this morning =-.
Oh my tears, are they from her ignorance or the fact that you have to trust this person AGAIN? My advice, set regulated, hour by hour schedule. Put that girl to work. Give her kid friendly books to read to your buddy about your religion, make her ask him questions, make her time be filled with all that a YOU, would do and allow her to know that there is no free time for her to share her thoughts with your child, only YOUR thoughts. Get kid friendly books on Jewish traditions, make her read them to him, get her every piece of information that she will need to better help her remember her COOTH!!! Make up art projects that relate to your Jewish traditions. Who the hell parented this girl? She sounds like a dream and I understand your not wanting her to go. Like your parents said this may be a good time for her to learn how to shut it. What would of happened if she slipped her tongue in front of another mother who wasn’t as cool as you. REMIND HER OF THAT!!!
I’ll be thinking of ya today!! OH TO BE A FLY ONTHE WALL!!
.-= Hollywood Farm´s last blog ..I’ll Never Listen To 50′s Music The Same Again =-.
wow- what an absolutely ignorant person.
On one side if she is good- great. BUT what if her “ignorance” or lack of manners is taught or rubs off on your little guy? It could lead to a bad situation- Er well a worse one.
Good luck.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Sorry I know I already left a comment, but after reading all of your comments to this post I had a revelation, how about you ask her for her email address and send her a link to this post. She can read all of the comments and realize that she is the odd man out!!
Just a thought.
Geeze, doesn’t she know you are a writer? It floors me how silly people are with their tongues around writers…….really they should use their brains, don’t they know our pens are our swords?
.-= Hollywood Farm´s last blog ..I’ll Never Listen To 50′s Music The Same Again =-.
Seriously. At first I was terrified that she would somehow find this post, but now I think it might be a good idea.
No, she has no idea what I do. Other than sit on the computer all day, I mean.
Oh Jill… ARGH. It is hard sometimes to work from within – I know we get to do it all the time. It is true that it works and changes people’s mindset sometimes, but you have to weigh the cost to you. Even if not right this second – you have other nanny options. If you do decide to fire her – give her a little education on her way out. Thinking about you!
This reminds me of when I was in 2nd grade. I got to school and was hanging my coat up in the closet in the back of the classroom. My friend and I got in a coat-hanging-up fight and she called me a “Dirty Jew.” I’ll never forget it. Like you said, punched in the gut.
You’re a better person than me. I would have fired her on the spot. I appreciate your mom’s sentiment, but that’s not your job. More importantly, do you really want someone who thinks like that being along with your child? If someone is capable of such extreme ignorance and prejudice, who knows how she’d treat your precious son. Who knows what else she’s capable of?
Hugs to you. I’m tweeting this post.
.-= Debra Schubert´s last blog ..SUBLIMINAL MONDAY – Edits, Don’t You Love ‘Em? [Um, no.] or I WANT MY SKINNY JEANS! =-.
Jill — ignorance is a scary, dangerous thing. This story makes my stomach turn. Bottom-line (not going to begin to dissect what is wrong with this woman in particular): Help is no fun, dependence on help just further complicates the matter and the pressure to get it right (which includes the right help) is overwhelming. Oh and when these non-help people chime in and tell you this is why they don’t have help, please ignore them. Your latest venture is an extraordinary one –and you are going to have great success. The right help is out there (and in between is great fodder for blogs and some good learning experiences) – keep your humor, keep your optimism and keep moving forward.
I feel as though my dozen plus years on the domestic help roller coaster has been nothing short of hell – my stories have stories …seriously so. Anti-Semitic (like yours, “you don’t seem like a Jewish family”), CHECK; Grey Goose Bottle filled with frozen water CHECK; Kid out running errands to Brazilian supermarket CHECK; kid left in car alone Check; au pair riding around the beltway two full loops before finding her way home, CHECK; I could go on. My point – my kids are alive and well, by business continues to thrive and you will have the same.
You know where to find me – here to help! xxoo
I read this with my jaw on my toes. wow. I’m so sorry you had to experience that – and in your own home! :( Hope this all works out for the best…
What an unexpected and shocking moment. Just when you thought you had found that oh so sought after balance and peace of mind, something had to shove it off kilter. I have been in positions where people have assumed I am one person and then insulted the person that I really am. I have never handled it correctly. I have am usually left insulted and them off the hook. You rock for saying something in that moment. My heart goes out to you as you deal with it today. I hope she isn’t the bigot she has come across as. But I am left wondering what your runners up for nannies were like if she is?
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..Keeping Warm =-.
I don’t feel better about this in the morning. So please take my feelings into consideration as you go through your day.
I don’t think that she mis-spoke or made a faux pas. She said exactly what she meant to say.
And I strongly disagree with your parents’ “this could be a teaching opportunity.”
You know what else is a teaching opportunity? Losing your job because you’re a bigot.
I guess I don’t believe in turning the other cheek. Jews generally don’t.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Define This =-.
ITA with Marinka’s thoughts! Based on her experience, I am guessing she is at the very least, in her mid-twenties which suggests that her comment wasn’t so much ignorance, but a more deep-seeded asinine view. I know you have no other care at the moment, but I’d fire her. Stat.
She is in her 60s and has raised 3 children. 3 children who are POLICE OFFICERS in my county. It is terrifying.
UGH! Just UGH!
I’d kick her unemployed ass to the curb.
.-= Sunday Stilwell´s last blog ..Say WHAT? =-.
Speechless! :( sorry that stinks.
.-= harrietglynn´s last blog ..Famous Adoptee: Steve Jobs =-.
If I may… If you like this woman and she does a good job with your son then I see no reason to fire her. I’m assuming that this is ignorance on her part and not racism. If you are worried that this will affect the way she takes care of your son or her ignorance will rub off on him then by all means, can her… However, I would let her stay and explain to her that what happened yesterday was unacceptable and she must watch her mouth when she is with your son. This could have been a simple mistake. Just my honest opinion. :)
Oh yeah – one more thing. “Earthy” is about the last word I would use to describe you Jill! :)
Hahaha…seriously! She was really just digging for anything at that point wasn’t she!?!
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Blog Tips: How To Make Your Own Blog Button =-.
Whoa! Hold the phone! I can just picture you, trying to hold in that jaw-drop.
I cannot wait to hear what you decide!?
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Kale Chips: Epic Fail =-.
Wow, I would have to look for alternate care – so sorry. I know how stressful it is finding good care, I struggle each day with my current day care. As a fellow Jewish mother, it is one thing for me or my family to say something like that – completely different for someone not jewish or family to say something like that. I feel like when you are part of an ethnic background that has been discriminated against you are more sensitive and expect others to be sensitive.
gone baby gone. other women know how to fold laundry.
Bean – I totally support you on this. You should not support bigotry – personally or financially – in any way. To ignore it is to condone it. Plus, you never know how far this prejudice might reach – not a tolerable influence on those beautiful, open, trusting children of yours.
… my heart hurts for you in what you’re feeling. That “now what?” type of thing.
Part of me (my grandmother’s voice) says be the bigger person that you are…and show her that Jewish people (and I love a ton of them) are noble and honorable and kind…and over a cup of coffee with little ones out of earshot ask her if she knows how much her statement carried the tones of prejudice and discrimination in it. Ask her if she really thought the statement through or blurted it out and didn’t think about what was spilling out of her mouth- or to whom. I don’t think it’s your job to educate her on the social inappropriate FUBAR she just pulled- but you can see if she just said something; “oh, wow, did I just say that out loud?!” and then scrambled to get herself together, floundering all the way….
….and the other part of me…that lived with something similar my whole life (deaf MUST equal stupid, right?) says you can respond with; “You know, you didn’t strike me as being an uneducated idiot without social graces either, so I guess we both were under some false impressions.”
Granted, my grandmother would be none too happy with that response…but, then again, my grandmother didn’t (and doesn’t) live in some of the situations now present- and…my mother (I’m ashamed to say) is one of those racist, hateful, small-minded people that thinks THEY are the only ones that matter- so….perhaps defending oneself, even verbally- is merited.
Hug your beautiful little boy- I was a nanny once- and I wouldn’t care if he was purple-polka-dotted….he’s perfect, and has an awesome mom. :)
Wow. It’s scary. It really is. I have 2 little beautiful Jewish girlies myself and it makes my stomach turn to think how the world thinks of “Jews”. You should hear some of the comments out on the West Coast (Central Valley). When my sister mentioned I had married a Jewish man….they replied “Isn’t that a bad thing?”. Unbelievable. I am on the fence with this one. I think teaching her about the religion would be a great thing, I think that she is thoroughly embarrassed by the whole comment. But if she doesn’t apologize to you, then I would definitely be on the hunt for someone new. She might have more than ignorance in her blood; she might be full of prejudice. Sorry, you have to deal with all of this, especially in the light of a great new job. And people wonder why we decide to be SAHM’s. Exactly because of people like this. Good luck.
.-= Jodi´s last blog ..Happy Birthday i heart faces! =-.
I have had Jeff’s song stuck in my head all day!
.-= Jodi´s last blog ..Happy Birthday i heart faces! =-.
Sounds like this was one of those….didn’t stop and think before speaking.
I was reading through some of the other comments. Was she really being racist? I’m not trying to start a battle just understand. I’m not Jewish so the statement didn’t “cut” me like it did you or another Jewish person. But I guess if I stop and think…..if the comment would have been “your son is such a whitey” I might have taken it differently. Wow! I don’t know.
I’m through rambling now. :)
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Oops, there goes my husband =-.
OMG I am so sorry!! Something like this totally happened to me. My husband is black, I’m white, and we have a two year old son who is super smart. A little while back we had a babysitter who told me that “my son was pretty smart for being mixed and all”. I gave her a puzzled look, and she began to tell me how stupid most mixed kids are because of their “screwed up blood”. NO JOKE!!!
Yeah, needless to say she never came back. But at least I didn’t bash her head in, because I wanted to!!!
I now ask pointed questions before I hire sitters. No more ignorant people watching my son!!!
.-= Dolli-mama´s last blog ..Wonderful Wednesday – Where I’ve been! =-.
What!?! Where are these people COMING from!?! Seriously…who SAYS stuff like that.
Scratch that.
Who THINKS stuff like that!?!!
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Blog Tips: How To Make Your Own Blog Button =-.
wow. just wow. I don’t have words to say what I am feeing really either except. wow. and what the fuck. and wow.
I saw this on Twitter and didn’t know it was WORSE! I’m so sorry… I’m sorry there are such ignorant people in the world, I’m sorry you had to hear that ignorance first hand and I’m sorry you have to deal with this now. I agree with your parents that this would be a great lesson for her.
I’m also Jewish and my boyfriend’s brother called the camp near their house The “Jew Camp”. I corrected him immediately but still, don’t quite look at him the same. Our wedding should be fun!
Good luck!!! Wish I lived out there so I could help you. Ya know since I’m a Jew-Girl and all that.
What she said was ignorant and inexcusable. You have every right to fire her on the spot.
That said, I know how difficult it can be to find a competent, reliable nanny that your child likes. (yes, anyone can fold laundry…but the other stuff…that is key too)
Here’s the tough part, IMO:
- She may have said it out of ignorance, in which case you could turn it into a learning experience for her. My mom is like this sometimes. She grew up in a different time and while she is not a bad person, she sometimes uses terminology that is no longer appropriate. I correct her and she can change. She isn’t a bigot/racist/homophobe, she is just a bit sheltered.
- She may have said it out of a deep-seated, well-ingrained bigotry. In that case, she is not likely to learn and you would not want someone like that caring for your child.
But how do you find out which it is? I don’t know that you can easily. I think that would be enough of a reason for me to look for other childcare.
.-= Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..Lies, lies and more lies: 3 year government crackdown can’t keep formula companies from misleading consumers =-.
That’s exactly what I am struggling with, and I’m leaning towards better safe than sorry.
We used to sing a great song at the Jewish summer camp I went to for eight years:
“NA-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye.”
Holy crap! You must of been floored! I would of bitch slapped her on the stop…..so stupid of a thing to say! I cannot believe that, what an idiot! Now I’m pissed! …you will have great pleasure when you say YOU ARE FIRED!
.-= Ottavia “Tammy”´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
As a Catholic, you would not believe the number of times I’ve had people make cruel anti-Catholic comments to my face, so I understand the “gut-punch feeling” and hurt you have. If I had a child and someone said something anti-Catholic to him or me, you can bet I’d take the same actions as you. Fire her. She needs to learn to be cognizant of her discriminatory remarks and how they hurt people. Hopefully, she’ll come to realize she missed out on a great opportunity because of her ugly comments- and how wrong she is in her beliefs. Here’s to the hope for religious tolerance!
When I read your tweet yesterday, I was immediately transported back in time to when I was a kid living in a town with very few Jews. The ignorant comments were always followed up by, “But I had a Jewish neighbor once,” and the like, as if knowing someone who was Jewish gave them a pass to say whatever they wanted. I’m so sorry that you had to endure this, especially in your own home.
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Scrapping the holidays =-.
….but does firing her “on the spot” or with a “don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.” attitude stand to educate her in a way you want to….as to the views she already holds of Jews?
Isn’t it somewhat like someone saying you’re an a**hole because they have this pre-conceived idea of what an a**hole is…and then because you’re hurt and offended…you throw them out/punch them out/fire them…and doesn’t that reinforce their view that you’re an a**hole just like they thought?
I am reading these comments and while I agree with your anger and hurt (and those that substantiate/validate it) is slamming the door on her ignorant nose the view you want to give her of Jewish people? That- along with her already skewed views….may be the only thing she gets out of this- if that’s all you give her….
Just a thought… (and btw I’m prepping a blog post where I shouldn’t know who or where this nanny is or my next PMS may entail a road trip and a lecture.)
The thing is that it isn’t the job of someone who is being discriminated against to educate the person who is showing bias. Any person who cares to grow as far as how they perceive and treat others has enough resources to make those changes themselves without practicing on other people.
I experience a certain amount of discrimination because of my physical abilities. I can certainly tell the difference between someone who comes to me with an attitude of not being sure but not wanting to offend and someone who assumes that if they’ve made a mistake, it’s OK because I can take a hit. It’s not OK to assume that. I don’t have to be a gracious handicap. It’s on them to consider how their behavior affects me.
In this case, the nanny was granted access to the inner sanctum and entrusted with the person Mom cares about more than herself. I think it is OK to revoke her privileges because her behavior is offensive and constitutes a transgression–broken rule–of showing consideration. This isn’t the same as hating her guts or being unwilling to point out the error. It’s just the end of her privilege.
.-= Theresa´s last blog ..summer remnants =-.
but who or what will the resources be if people aren’t willing to stand up and possibly have their feelings hurt in order to get across the point that we are all equal and messages of hate are not tolerated?
and who has been the perfect person and never judged or assumed anything and has never made a comment that has been possibly hurtful to someone else?
In theory, I agree with you. I’m just not sure that I want to be the one educating the person I am paying to make my life easier.
You are right though– if I don’t (or others like me) who will?
It’s a tough one.
I’m deaf…and use a service dog….trust me…I too know the difference between the people that want to know more, learn and grow…and those who are stuck with their heads too far up….well, you know…to bother learning about/dealing with anyone else.
I’ve gone my whole life being ‘the deaf girl’….I do understand. I just try not to be ‘the MEAN deaf girl’ if possible.
The thing about this argument is that it puts the person doing the discriminating at less choice than if they are given the full burden and responsibility for their actions.
Who will do the teaching? Anyone. Let’s say someone offended a Costa Rica–which would be a stretch because we are busy with our ¡pura vida!–the resources for figuring out how to act better in the future are endless. They don’t have to start with the person whose toes were stepped on.
-Moms (good starting point sometimes)
-libraries
-clergy
-college departments
-Internets
-friends
Perhaps I needlessly detect a note of helplessness in the argument that the offender *needs* education from the person they offended. In any case, I object to that.
I’m surprised at all the surprised comments. Yes, it was a hurtful comment. Yes, it sucks. Yes, Jill’s feelings are right to be hurt. But most white people never encounter anything like this, so when it happens ONE TIME we act all shocked and appalled. We can’t believe that racism or prejudice exists! Let this be your wake up call that racism is alive and well and as white people we perpetuate it all the time in our institutions and our daily lives without even thinking about it. Sure, most people aren’t overt racists, after all, we voted for Obama! We have friends who are (insert race here). We claim to be “colorblind” which is a total B.S. term. For those of you who say, “it’s not your job to teach, and it shouldn’t be” then whose job is it? Who is going to teach others that what they say or do or believe is wrong? Because if you don’t, and this person doesn’t, and that person doesn’t, guess what is going to keep happening? Racism will continue. Let’s all remember that we owe it to each other and to our children to teach people about racism. I want less of these comments in my children’s world, so it’s up to ME to make sure they don’t happen.
I was and still am just floored by everything that was said.
The fact that someone can be so smart and wonderful as your nanny sounds can also be so ignorant is just beyond me. It baffles my mind. However, I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps she is just not aware that what she said is hurtful and inappropriate. I live in a very, very small town and these kinds of hurtful things are said all the time, because people just don’t know any better and never really learned any different.
But, on the other hand, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason – it is just that we may not know the reason right at that time. Perhaps we (all of us in blog land) are to learn from this experience, educating us that this sort of hatred still exists and what we can do to stop it or at least make it known that it still occurs. Or, perhaps, 5 years from now, while you watch the evening news, you count your blessing and be thankful that you fired her because she turned out to be some deranged home wrecker and stalker. I don’t know.
I don’t envy the position you are in – you have a tough, tough decision to make. All I can really suggest is that you follow you mommy instinct Jill….I can guarantee you that it will never lead you astray.
.-= HaB´s last blog ..Brrrr….COLD, but FUN! =-.
I still blush at some of the completely fucking stupid things I said when I was twenty-something (I’m almost forty). Working as a cashier, I once asked a new mother if she was pregnant again! She has not learned the fine art of filtering. Teach her. She’ll be grateful (someday) that she had you to mentor her on this. Cheers, girlie! xoxo
Wow, that would have left me speechless. Perhaps you could buy her a parting gift… like this http://www.amazon.com/Judaism-Dummies-Ted-Falcon/dp/0764552996
.-= Jayme´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday. =-.
LOL. Good idea.
I just read this post. I saw your tweet yesterday and thought about it all night, and even without the full story of just how bad it got from the first comment, I was pretty convinced you’d have to fire her. Having read the extended dance mix version of the story, I’m even more convinced. How do you ever get back to a comfortable place with this person? You have to feel comfortable with her, and that is clearly going to be impossible under the circumstances. What an awful (and stunning) situation.
i still wanna know what she meant by that…like what makes him look like a jew boy? ignorant is RIGHT. good luck.
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..Update to my ghost situation and other thoughts =-.
What a tough spot! I don’t envy you and I’m with you – sometimes it’s NOT your job to educate the world. Good luck!
.-= Jane´s last blog ..My Daughter And Locks Of Love =-.
I would have been PISSED if someone said this to me, but I hear things like this all the time because I’m black and Jewish so people assume I’ll be just fine with their anti-Semitic comments. My daycare provider has some really outdated views on parenting, but she takes amazing care of my son. I’m not sure how I would feel if she said something like this to me. On the one hand, it’s so hard to find good care, but on the other hand, I’d be deeply hurt by the comment.
Also? Some of the comments on this post have left my skin crawling, too. Referring to folks as “the help” and chastising them for letting a kid go to the “Brazilian” store, referring to this woman as “girl.” People here are really quick to judge this anonymous woman, but have let a lot of their own prejudices shine through.
.-= Elita @ Blacktating´s last blog ..The Art Star & The Sudanese Twins =-.
There are many moments in blogland when I hang my head in shame and can’t believe that I am a part of the shit that happens regularly.
There are far fewer times, like this, when I actually take the time to read all of the comments to a post and am sincerely interested and happy about what I am reading.
This is one of those rare occasions.
I am so sorry that this happened. It reconfirms my belief that people suck. However, the situation also reinforces my staunch devotion to you, your blog, and those in the blogosphere who care enough to leave awesome feedback.
xoxo
PS: Jess calls you Bean. I want in on that action.
.-= Mayhem and Moxie´s last blog ..A Hedonist’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions =-.
I’ve been a child care giver for over ten years, and that is just wrong! Wow! Talking to you about the child being sick, suspicious injuries, something questionable that they said, yes. Your race, umm…no! I would definitely talk to her, maybe she is just used to talking like that, and doesn’t even think about it being offensive. Some people are that way. Although, all of this probably gives you new ideas for discussion on your parenting site.
Ur. Mah. Gah. As if her first comment wasn’t bad enough, she actually made it WORSE by confirming with her asinine “explanation” that it wasn’t just a slip, but that she really actually does have deeply-held stereotypes about how Jews look, act, behave. Yikes. And of course, as you know, even if you weren’t Jewish, the fact that as a new employee she felt comfortable (stupid) enough to say something derisive like that in front of you, HER EMPLOYER, just shows how clueless she is. Hwo will she know not to say such things in front of your child all day (like, as long as there are no black people around, we can use the N word!, just like it was perfectly acceptable to say Jew boy as long as there are no jews listening! yay for privacy! ugh). Totally agree with Marinka, losing your job because you’re a bigot is a pretty good learning experience. No immediate harm is being done, but you want to find a replacement, I think. You don;t want your kid exposed to someone that dumb on a regular basis. Sorry you have to go through this, ugh. Just when you thought it was safe to leave the house….good luck!
WTF is wrong with people…i am so sorry you had to deal with this…i hope she learns her lesson!
.-= Stephaine @ Geezees´s last blog ..our winter – before and after kids, wordless wednesday =-.
How old is this woman? Seems she needs a lesson in tact. As you said she prob doesn’t know she did anything wrong, she needs know, even if you do fire her..
.-= Vodka Logic´s last blog ..Eddie Izzard Rocked Boston =-.
I’m British, culturally here religion of any type isn’t really a big deal it’s almost ignored. So her comment is even more stunning for me. Why on earth would you comment about someone’s appearance and link it to a religion?? She wouldn’t have said ‘ he looks like a black or a Catholic kid?’ or would she??
I’d be like you and utterly horrified, it’s just so left field and I think does show how she thinks in general. I think I’d find someone else to look after your little boy – good luck x
Well, I’ve lived in Britain for years, was married to a British Jew, and there is MORE racism and antisemitism in Britian than in the US by far. Maybe you’ve missed the virulant antisedmitism and antizionish in Britain, but the Jewish citizens haven’t.
I think that anyone who is raising their children Jewishly would not want someone who has no respect for their culture (it’s not JUST a religion) to be providing childcare. As a Jewish mom, when my kids were little we had an aupair that left after a couple of weeks because she had specifically put in her application that she didn’t want to work for a Jewish family. Lovely.
And we interviewed a nanny applicant who was Moroccan and told me outright that she wouldn’t work for Jews. I’ve experienced the antisemitism in childcare personally, so I’m unfortunately not surprised or shocked by this woman’s behavior. There is an inordinate amount of hatred for Jews in the world, and to pretend otherwise is to be prejudiced yourself. Even within the threads here and at Rock and Drool there are comments that are offensive to Jews, especially those that remind us that Jesus was a Jew. Or that someone is a “half-Jew”. There is no such thing as a half Jew. You’re either Jewish or not. And if you are, mazel tov!
You know, I read this post this morning….and then thought on it for awhile, and am now back to comment. From your writing, it doesn’t sound like she’s mean-spirited, just needs her horizons broadened. By definition- a bigot is intolerant of anything that they don’t believe, but someone who is ignorant just lacks knowledge. I think you have an opportunity to teach someone who (obviously) doesn’t know better. Even if she isn’t young, she still has opportunity for growth.
Its like what people think of homeschooling- people have discussed homeschooling in my presence, not knowing that I was, and discussed the fact that homeschoolers are backwoods religious freaks that don’t wear shoes and are socially unacceptable. Its always fun to make them feel slightly stupid, but also adjust their viewpoint if possible?
This was interesting though, definitely a hard decision about your next move. I’m anxious to hear what you do, what happens!
.-= Honey´s last blog ..My Corporate Alternate Reality =-.
Oh I just feel for you and the decisions you have to make on this one! I’m currently reading the book “The Help” about two African-American maids and one white woman based in the 60s. Her comment seems right in line with some of the remarks in the book about African-Americans and it’s just plain ignorant.
I don’t really know what I would do in your situation but her comments are drenching with deep-seeded beliefs, which is worse to me than hearing something like a tasteless, race-based joke.
Has she been different to your son (or to you) today after that comment? If you spoke with her about it, do you think it would lead to anything positive (like potentially keeping her) or just more discomfort and awkwardness?
.-= Adventuroo´s last blog ..Less Words Wednesday- Feelin’ Dangerous =-.
You are a bigger BETTER person what I would be. … WHO says that? I am speechless…
Fire the bitch
.-= American in Norway´s last blog ..Please slap me…. =-.
Wow, she’s in her 60′s. You aren’t going to “teach” her a thing. Let her learn how to be a human-being on someone else’s dime. She is bigoted, just like many, many other people still are. Why are we so afraid to say so?
I believe these sort of things are insidious, and it very well could rub off on your precious little offspring in subtle or maybe even overt ways.
I’m so sorry for your dilemma! But I hope you feel a lot of support in firing her ass, if that’s what you decide to do! Good luck!
xo
Oh wow. There are no other words for it!
This reminds me of one time when I was waiting tables and a guy at one of my tables asked me if I was jewish. I said that, no, I wasn’t. And he said “Oh, you look jewish and I was going to ask you out if you were”. Um, yeah, that was WEIRD!
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Denver Stock Show And Rodeo =-.
Well, I will just give my reply before I go and see what all the other wiser people than me had to say :)
I have a friend who is Jewish and he taught me SO much about what being Jewish is all about. I am totally enthralled with Jewish people now. I even got a Jewish Woman’s Day Planner at Borders this year : ) Oh yes I did!
I think whenever we don’t know what something is like we just feel skeptical. And you have to admit, some people think of Jewish people with those long curls and facial hair… you know?
Is she young? I would give her the benefit of the doubt! And I would just show her that you are the most fabulous Jewish family on the planet : ).
Can’t wait to go and see if I am WAY off with my comment. I probably am! : (
.-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..da Babiez! =-.
This whole story rocks me to the core. I have no wisdom to share, no healing words. All I can say is that I’m so sorry you had to hear those words…. and I hope ignorance like that will just be a memory one day. Hugs.
Your parents are right. This is a learning opportunity. The lesson is, you make statements that smack of religious intolerance you get your ass fired. The end.
.-= BuenoBaby´s last blog ..If we started spanking our kids we’d definitely take our first swing at Walmart =-.
Ummm, you are a human being. Do people go around saying, “My Catholic friend or my Baptist mother.” Religions don’t define a person. It (faith) is a personal thing. I have friends in a lot of various faiths and I love them for who they are, not what church they go to.
I just can’t get over someone making that comment, no matter what your faith is. Geezz…
.-= Aleta´s last blog ..Kawaii means =-.
Holy Carp.
So, I’ve read most of the comments, and here’s my .02:
1.) She’s 60. By her own admission, she worked for a Jewish family before. If she hasn’t learned by now, you don’t need to waste your time trying to teach her. She knows better – she just chooses to hold on to her racist views.
2.) You’ll never be comfortable around her now (with good reason) – that will impinge on your concentration at work while you’re away and Evan is with her. Since being able to work effectively is a huge reason in why you have help, then she has shot an arrow directly into the food of her raison d’etre. Uncomfortable Mommy = Nanny FAIL.
3.) She’s a moron. For thinking it, and even more for saying it out loud. No one with poor judgement who doesn’t think before they speak deserves access to your home, your child or your money.
4.) Back to the “educating” thing – it’s Evan’s education that is your chief concern, not hers. He will be in a position to learn from his Nanny every day in word, deed, expression – you know kids pick up on EVERYTHING. He deserves to be with someone whose views are in line with those you hold in your family. So, after you fire this broad, grill the next one! It’s your right, dammit. :)
And, incidentally. We’re members of the local Jewish Community Center, and we love it there. Our last name is O’Laughlin, and we’re Catholic. And, y’know…when we joined, nobody smiled and patted Liam’s head and said “Oh, what a cute little Mick…”
Hope all that made sense. I always feel weird giving opinions on posts, but this really got my Italian up. (Much like the time a “friend” used the epithets “dago” and “ginny” numerous times in the telling of a story, then as an afterthought turned to me and said “You don’t mind, do you? I mean, you don’t even really LOOK Italian…”)
You do everything with grace and class – I’m sure that however you decide to handle this situation, THAT will be no exception. :)
.-= Ri, The Music Savvy Mom´s last blog ..Wordy Wednesday: Lyric Prolific =-.
Some people hold onto their racist ways. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. Just the other day, I was called a “colored girl” by an elderly lady in a store that I frequent often. I was utterly shocked.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
.-= Stesha´s last blog ..Twitter Tuesday – But It’s Wednesday! – Nicole Ritchie – And What’s For Breakfast? =-.
I wish I could sit and read all the comments! What a nightmare of a situation. I honestly don’t know what I would do….I’m dying to know how you’re going to handle this. What does your husband say?
It’s 2010, what rock did she just crawl out from under? Who says stuff like that!?
.-= Sara — The Football Wife´s last blog ..Polka Dots & Doggie “Scents” =-.
My take? Blow it off. She probably feels just as stupid for having said it as you think she is now. Haha.
.-= The Wifey´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday— %@$#! =-.
I can almost imagine how shocking that must have been. I do wonder what she meant by it, and whether she is really prejudiced or just ignorant.
I have a cousin who is gay. When I was a teen, I called a TV personality “faggy” in front of her. Then I died. Okay, obviously I didn’t, but the amount of horrifying embarrassment and shame at something that had just slipped out of my mouth was substantial. I apologized to her later, and we talked a little bit about how that had been part of my vocabulary (sort of like the r-word used to be when I was younger), but blurting it out in front of someone that I could really hurt by using it? It sure as heck made me think about what I was saying.
Anyhow, my point is that it was a horrible thing for her to say, but if you are willing to give her a chance, who knows? It could be worth it, and maybe she will learn something too.
That being said, if you are going to feel uncomfortable, it’s obviously not going to work out. AND like you said, it’s not really your job to try and teach her anything. So, I think the bottom line is that you should do what makes you feel comfortable. After all, you kid is the most important thing.
Oh geez! I wish I had a witty comment or some sound advice….but I probably would have blown my top on the spot. Congrats on your ability to use restraint….or maybe it was just the shock? :)
.-= Christy Cross´s last blog ..When Your Nightmare Becomes Your Reality =-.
Well, I kind of agree with your parents on this. It could be an opportunity to teach someone a lesson. At the same time, anyone who isn’t living in a cave right now knows that even if you are a totally prejudiced idiot, you don’t actually say it out loud. What a stupid thing to do. No wait, ignorant. And what exactly does a little “Jew boy” look like? Wow! I do wish you could just fire her on the spot.
.-= Mommy X´s last blog ..Misfit =-.
You know, the other day I was going to tell you how much I enjoy your writing. You know, jew-mom writing. ;)
Some people were born without a clue and don’t know where to buy one.
Now I read the rest of the conversation. Initially I thought it was just one comment.
Holy Moses.
I would’ve been very disturbed, and probably ended up handling it in a very similar manner to you.
I hope.
.-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..10 Signs You’ve Emerged from Babyland =-.
Really? REALLY??????
This is totally beyond me. I just don’t get some people. AT. ALL.
I’m so sorry…
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..Wednesday Weigh in Week 2 =-.
WHAT??? Ok, I have to ask: what is wrong with people? What’s with all the stereotyping? Why is it even remotely acceptable to make this kind of comment?
I’m so sorry babe. This sucks. I know how hard it is to find a good sitter/nanny, and you don’t expect even the good ones to be such *excuse my French* shit heads.
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Outfit of the Week: coffee with the expats =-.
OH.MY.GOD. I can not believe people still say stuff like that. I just can’t beleive it. I would start looking for someone else too.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..The Road Not Traveled. =-.
look what I’ve missed in the midst of my packing. drama just seems to follow you and only you at times. doesn’t it? I need to go read part II!!!
.-= dawn´s last blog ..homemade cheesy tater tots =-.
That’s a lot like a statement I heard on the phone the other day about “the blacks”…ugh.
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Crickets…… =-.
Interesting. Once in a while, my husband and I will talk about the child of relatives. This boy—I swear—is going to grow up to be a screaming queen. We think it’s hilarious the way that kid lights up whenever he plays his Julie Andrews recording of Sound of Music, prancing and dancing around the corner where the CD player is. We see these relatives very infrequently, so we’ve never made any observations, to them. “Have yuo ever thought that [your kid] might be gay…?” We worry that the kid will suffer at the hands of his peers when he gets to grade school, and both of us know how hard it is, some days, as a fag in a school full of straight kids.
Maybe the learning opportunity, here, is not only for the nanny but also for you and your son. How do you support your child in the face of remarks that rub you the wrong way? How do you teach him to distinguish between idiocy, hatred, and discrimination? What are the appropriate responses to each—initially and after careful consideration? And then the other side of the coin: what are yuor responsibilities as an employer when an employee makes a mistake?
Ok, I think I can be honest here with you. Yes, it was pretty stupid what she said. It didn’t quite come out right and it didn’t NEED to come out at all really. It doesn’t matter what Evan is. BUT I think I know where she may have been coming from although she is ignorant.
Being Jewish myself & actually being the only Jew in our neighborhood when I was younger, I can more often than not tell when someone else is Jewish. Sorta like a gay can spot a gay. My cousin Larry totally looks Jewish and some people totally don’t. HOWEVER, I wouldn’t say what she said out loud to someone I hardly know, much less my new employer. And if she left out boy on the end and perhaps said, he looks Jewish, it almost would have been better.
Hate me for this???? Did I make sense at all???? Hope so.
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Soup’s On: Mamma Leone’s Chicken Soup =-.
No, I know what you mean, I can definitely spot people who are Jewish verses, say, Irish in a room. For sure. Usually.
Had she just asked, hey, are you Jewish? I would have responded, Yes. Is that a problem? And that would have been it. But, “Jew-Boy” was a major red flag raiser, you know? Especially not knowing where she was coming from.
P.S. I do not for the life of me know what a Jewish home is supposed to look like though. She lost me on that one. I read your other post and thought you handled it magnificently. You’re doing the right thing. You’ll see if she sticks her foot in her mouth again.
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Soup’s On: Mamma Leone’s Chicken Soup =-.
Okay so I was born and raised a catholic/irish girl from NY. Grew up in Miami Beach on chicken soup and matzo balls. People are just people. Geez, she needs to get a clue. I have two adopted bi-racial children. Ask me how I know what stupid statements like hers feel like.
Barb
.-= Barb´s last blog ..Falling Iguanas =-.
I felt like I had been hit reading that statement. That is unacceptable. Completely and totally. Whether you’re Jewish or not is not the issue, it’s a question of beliefs being passed on to your child that you don’t agree with and that’s NEVER OK.
Whoa. I gasped when I read what she said. I can’t even put together my thoughts properly here, but right off the bat I can say that I probably (actually, most certainly) would look for another child care provider. It sucks, because it is NOT easy to find one that fits your needs so well, especially if your child gets along with her so well… but what she said… is just wrong. I don’t know even if it would be okay to say if you and her were best friends and she was also Jewish… I’m trying to put things in my perspective, like what would I do if someone said my child ‘looks’ Greek because he has a big belly and a head full of hair and because he eats a lot or whatever… different, I know, but… HURTFUL, regardless. Just like, “WHAT just came out of your mouth?” Wow. I wonder what perspective she had of a Jewish family? We’re friends with lots of people who are Jewish. All have different homes, different tastes, styles, etc. Hmm, Jill, I just don’t know… I’ll have to go read Melissa’s post now and keep up with the comments, but just… wow. Sorry, hon.
.-= Loukia´s last blog ..Two! =-.
I’m guessing she is really young? Since that statement is pretty ignorant . . I’m sort of with your parents on this one. off to read the other posts
Ok, so I just now finally got around to reading this (I’m lame, I know. But, hey, I remembered)
Anyway, i have to say, you remained so much calmer than i would’ve. She would’ve been out on her butt right then and there.
How horrifying.
.-= debi9kids´s last blog ..Business 2 Blogger =-.
Wow. That’s the worst nanny story I’ve ever heard.
WOW!!(shaking my head) the audacity of people.After she said that you should put your hand on the front door to stop her from leaving and then firmly,and discretely let her know you CAN make her death look like an accident, if she even so much as to think something like that again…I’m just sayin. NOBODY, NOBODY says something like that, ESPECIALLY about someones kids.
I cannot believe that it’s been almost a year since this post. It feels like yesterday. I’m sure you don’t miss her!
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