Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Kelly is a mom of two teens, ages 16& 14 and a freelance writer in Upstate NY. With her wonderful husband by her side, they have developed a united front to help raise good, honest, caring citizens, despite the constant “you don’t get it” and “why do you have to love us so much” speeches- so far, so good. Catch up with her on Mom Got Blog, where she writes life stories, love of food, coffee and sports. When she needs a break from writing her novel, you can find her chatting it up on Twitter @Kpugs.
.
I just finished a conversation with my 16 year old regarding gifts for the holidays which are being exchanged between her friends and their significant others.
My daughter’s question to me was “Why is being a couple so expensive?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I heard that so-and-so bought their girlfriend a Coach purse and a Pandora bracelet and my friend bought him like $200 worth of Ralph Lauren clothes and stuff…and then so-and-so bought this and that and….”
I stood there with my mouth agape.
If I did not think that today’s parent of teens was high on crack, I do now.
Parenting of a teen is so difficult these days and fellow parents are not making it any easier.
Remember when you were in your 20’s and the mail seemed to deliver invite after invite of a friend announcing to “Save the Date”. In fact, one summer my husband and I attended at least 4 weddings…either as guest or as part of the big day. Each one was a joyous event; a special day…one that family and friends would remember forever, because it was a wedding.
We expected to shell out some Franklins for a weekend of hotel stays, a new dress, many cocktails and a four hour party, because it was a wedding.
So, why did this summer bring me back to the summers of weddings past? Our oldest turned 16 as did a majority of her friends and was riddled with invitations to birthday parties, with a twist. I found myself asking: when did birthday parties turn into mini-weddings? When did it become the “norm” to rent out country club rooms, hotel ballrooms or local concert places and have them fully catered with hors d’oeuvres along with a specialty cake? When did custom invitations invite our child to a party that she would have to buy a semi-formal dress to attend, or be on a guest list?
I kid you not. One party of many had a “Guest List Only” entry, which was strictly enforced…, with a “Bouncer” at the door and everything! Whaaaaat??
Another party “requested” that everyone wear only black and white. The guest of honor was checking on the dress color too…and if it was not black OR white, she asked that the frock be brought back!! (She was wearing hot fuchsia, by the way).
There are DJ’s, decorations, professional photographers. The last party attended, the birthday person was escorted out to the dance floor on the arm of two friends as the DJ announced their arrival.
What is wrong with everyone? Is our teenager speaking words of truth when she says to us “You are the ONLY PARENTS THAT DON’T GET IT!”
We did not have anything outlandish…we had a few friends over for a sleepover, made a special cake and spent time being silly teenagers. Did my husband and I feel a little guilt not providing a huge party because “everyone else is doing it!”?
No. We didn’t, because it was a birthday party.
We discussed it with our teen and told her, it was not happening. Graduation is around the corner, then college and years from now maybe a wedding (if that is what is wanted). We were not spending a fortune on a party to celebrate turning 16.
Yes, it’s a big day, but what happens in 11, 12, 13 or so years when wedding bells are ringing? How will that day feel special? Especially since they have already experienced such a shin-dig?
The only thing I can think of is parents have lost their freaking mind…
We all complain that our kids are growing up too fast. The trip down that road is even faster when parents have not learned to master the phrase “Just Say No.”
So, fellow parents, will you join me? Can we all just say NO?
{ 115 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s insane!! My son is only turning 2 in a couple of days, but we decided long ago that there will be no extravagance on that day, now and possibly for the next few years. I do hope he will never go down that path of wanting a DJ for his birthday!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Guest Star: Julie of mamamash
It is totally insane!! With every invite I would mutter, ‘whhhyyy???’
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I can tell you right now (even though my girls are only 2 and 5 and you may doubt that I know what I’m talking about) I will not be doing this. I WILL say “no”. There’s no way in hell.
I decided this long ago when I realized that homecoming dance attire was beginning to look like prom, and prom was beginning to look like a Hollywood red carpet (or worse: a collection of porn stars). My kids may be “lame” or “geeks” or probably even pitied for having such horrid parents, but they will hopefully leave their youth behind one day and be classy, appropriate, and grateful. I hope. At least I’ll sleep fairly well… ;)
Oh, you get it! And it’s not just homecoming & prom that kids are tramping the red carpet look: really makes me wonder why parents would let their kids out the door like that.
Crazy
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
A wedding isn’t worth the cost of a wedding.
Excactly.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I couldn’t agree more. Those crazy sweet 16 parties are INSANE!!! Even though my twins are only 2, I can say without a doubt that they will NOT having anything more than a normal birthday celebration with family and maybe a few friends!
And really, those are the type of parties that the kids remember; family & friends.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
you so totally DO get it…i am the parent of three kids ages 17, 20, and 22 and have been saying no for years. ours were the kids that were able to invite to their birthday party the number of kids equal to their age…you’re turning five, you invite FIVE children. no massive sweet 16s here.
parents are too often being ruled by their children…and their children’s friends and parents.
when we were planning my daughter’s bat mitzvah, the caterer kept on telling me what we COULD do…and i reassured her that we knew that, but maybe at her WEDDING we would…but not yet.
keep your head on straight…i’m so happy to know there are others out there!
I am so glad I have more parents in my corner!!! It is one thing when it is a cultural right of passage….but quite another when it is just done because it’s wanted.
We are King and Queen of No…and our kids almost expect it now!
Thank you!!
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
My son at age 10 is constantly being invited to expensive over the top parties… But we don’t throw them. I’m much more concerned about saving money for his education. And when he says, but everyone’s doing it Mom. I just laugh and say that’s fine for them but not for us.
We don’t throw them either…we are much more in the camp of having a family party at home.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
We stopped attending those “over the top” parties long ago as well. The trend of NOT opening gifts during the party? UGH!
My daughter often wasn’t good friends with the girl in question, thought the party was nonsense, and had no qualms about not going. I didn’t want her to alienate herself but she was disgusted by the over the top parties. So we supported her decision.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Welcome to The Crafty Angel!
That’s just nuts!! My kids didn’t even have 16th parties. I did throw my oldest a 21st birthday party that set me back about $1000. The other 2 did not get the same. As a matter of fact, my youngest turned 21 yesterday and the dinner I cooked for 6 people was about $75!
No, semi-formal sweet sixteens are just too excessive.
Joanie recently posted..A Teeny Favor.
Wow! My poor kids will be so un-cool if this is the norm. But hopefully they’ll emerge from their teen years with some perspective – I think a slumber party is a good choice!
Colette recently posted..Lawson’s Grow-Along Lion! (2 year old edition)
Thanks, Colette! Yes, the slumber party was fun…and did not take away from the fact that it was a special birthday. She was so worried that her friends would not have fun, but actually, they really enjoyed a “basic, NORMAL” celebration.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
The number of parents who feel the same way may seem to be few and far between, but they are out there and staying strong on this issue. I have no problem being among them.
Christine recently posted..Santa Wreath with Fabric Ribbon, Felt and The Graphics Fairy
I think everyone is just watching too damn much MTV, lol!
Keeping up with the Joneses, SO not my style. I’m not going to be doing anything crazy for birthday number 16 or any other… I’m not sure what the other parents’ are thinking, I’m pretty sure the problem is that they are NOT thinking, just reacting. Trying to be friends with their kids and not being parents.
Heather, there’s a Will Smith quote that comes to mind: “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” I have a friend in SC who bought her 16 yr old a used car this year, no party. Growing up, the car was what we all coveted, not an over the top party (and certainly not both!). As they are rural, she thought it prudent that her daughter be able to get around on her own. There’s no bus service to the high school anymore, etc. She figures if taken care of well, the car should last her well into college. Her daughter’s friend two weeks ago had a sweet 16 like the ones Kelly wrote about — DJs, guest lists, limos, ball gowns…and A NEW CAR (in my Rod Roddy voice).
Arnebya recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: I’m the Mama
Yes…not thinking is my view also. Did they have a crazy party like that at 16?? I doubt it.
Kids today feel so entitled and that drives me crazy.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I knew things were bad but this just terrified me to a whole new level. My daughter is 3 and I’ve been shocked by the level of out-of-controlness by her classmates’ parties already. And they’re toddlers! It’s already gotten to the point where I feel like birthday parties rule our weekends. I can’t imagine the teen years.
I’m hoping that 13 years from now, austerity will somehow become cool!
Glad to find you through Scary Mommy today!
Jackie @ MomJovi recently posted..Our Christmas
So nice to find you too!
I know exactly what you mean…even the younger aged kids are out of control. It’s ok to have a theme for fun…but to drop a couple hundred bucks for a 4 year old who won’t remember it a year later? Crazy.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
We will def say NO! Things are getting ridiculous and all those MTV “reality” shows don’t help one bit.
Angie recently posted..Merry Christmas!
So happy I no longer live on the east coast. As of right now, at least as far as I know, this doesn’t happen here in Montana. My 6mom year old didn’t even have a birthday party this year.
Wendy recently posted..Isaiah 9:6, Luke 2:13-14
I don’t get it either. I don’t want to be looked at as the lame, miserly parents, but then I think — who gives a shit? I’m not out to impress other kids’ parents (I think they’re all high w/the $600 purses, the $200 jeans). I am most certainly not out to impress the kids themselves. I admit to sometimes, ever so fleetingly, thinking wow, I wish I could spend that. But then, no the hell I don’t! If we had riches, I’m sure we would still not spend it on parties like the ones you’ve mentioned. You’re right; extravagant sweet 16 parties steal some of the excitement (and money!) from a wedding or other event. Yes, it’s special. Yes, it should be celebrated. But at what cost? I am robbing Pepco to pay half of Washington Gas and taking even a piece of that to pay the car note. I’ll be damned if I’m going to be guilted into hiring a dj and renting a hall. Call your friends and tell them you’re having a party: in the hall-sized backyard where daddy will turn on an iTunes playlist for your dj and it will be catered by me. Happy birthday!
Arnebya recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: I’m the Mama
I think I had a dinner party with a few friends and my immediate family.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Pausing Life for a Moment- Praying for Christmas Card Senders
I did not even have that! I had a cake with my mother, father and brother. That was it. And it was great.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
THANK YOU! Because I feel the exact same way. At 16, college is right around the corner and the money is better spent on my daughters’ futures (I have 3 daughters!). I think the madness is a Northeast thing. We’re native New Jerseyans who now call Texas home, and there isn’t any Sweet 16 madness here and I’m thankful for it. My oldest turned 16 last year and she got a nice birthday party — a limo to take her and 4 friends to dinner, a theater show, and a sleepover at a hotel with 4 friends. That was enough! My 12 year old is already plotting for a big party . . . I told her don’t hold her breath, it’s not happening! Our children are growing up with this very strong sense of entitlement, it is so wrong.
Christine – it’s a HUGE South Florida thing, too. I’m a teacher in a suburban town full of Kardashian-wannabes (thankfully, I only WORK in that town – I do not live there). Last year, a FOURTH grade girl had a birthday party which included she and about a dozen of her female classmates being picked up from school in a limousine. I teach fifth grade and have heard my students discussing the phone upgrades and iPads they were going to be receiving for Christmas. So very sad – there is NOTHING left for these kids to look forward to in their lives. Everything is done before age 17. Look at the “spa parties” the little 6 and 7 year old girls are having. I didn’t have my first manicure until I was going to a sorority formal event in college. You are so right about the entitlement issues – it is totally out of control.
Ridonkerous I say…we saw the mani & pedi’s showing up in 5th grade. I had my first mani when I got married!
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
My daughter turned 16 a couple of months ago and she had a few friends over for movies and some good homemade desserts. It was as low key as possible. But she enjoyed it.
I live in Austin, TX which is a pretty low-key town and so far there have been almost no over-the-top Sweet 16 parties. Maybe in the nicer parts of town but I haven’t seen it much at all.
Maybe we should blame the quinceneras for introducing the idea that this sort of thing is appropriate for teenagers.
jennie w. recently posted..What are You Eating for Christmas Dinner?
I think every Person should do what’s right for them and their family. If they can afford it and want to make their kid feel special, why not? Life is short. It very well could be their daughters last party. I like when people celebrate every moment however they see fit : ) Your daughters party sounds like it was a lot of fun.
Life with kaishon recently posted..Merry, Merry Christmas from your favorite procrastinator in the whole wide world.
Agreed!
Not one for over-indulging already over-indulged young people, I have to say though that the blanket condemnation here gives me pause. Parents exercising choice is parents exercising choice. Doesn’t make us more right or them more ‘wrong.’
HerMelness Speaks recently posted..If We Are What We Tweet, What Does Your 2011 Tweets Say About You?
Wow. I am already seeing the beginnings of this with my young children, starting in preschool. No one except us seems to have home birthday parties anymore where the 4-year-old invites a handful of friends. Now it’s always the entire class invited to a venue – Chuck E. Cheese or Pump It Up almost every time. We’re talking several hundred dollars for a 4-year-old! If you start there, no wonder they’re having a huge shindig by the time they’re 16!
I admit I do the pump it up party, but I don’t want to exclude any of the kids in my daughter’s class, and my house is not big enough for all those kids. Also to have someone else set up the party, cut the cake and clean everything up so I can enjoy the fun and ride the bouncy slides is totally worth it.
We take our 11 year old son on an overnight getaway to NYC
NoDrama4Mama recently posted..Loves Theatre….Hates Drama
its getting harder and harder as tv glorifies living in the excess. i cant keep up with the joneses and even if i could, why??? what point does it serve? does it mean i love my kids any less cuz i can’t buy them super ultra expensive things like others? hell no. it just means i cant afford it. and even if i could, why would i want to raise a bunch of kardashians?
bleh to this new trend. i hates it.
pammypam recently posted..Thrift Store SCORE!
Darling Kelly, you are not ‘scary’ at all, i love you heart and soul dear friend! We live in the heart of Boca as you know, want to see excess, come on down. Plastic surgery is a popular Sweet 16 gift around here and a young girl died having breast augmentation last year after a reaction … no kidding.
Sports cars a plenty, designer stuff galore … and designer drugs at the ready too …
not so ‘sweet’ at all xxx
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..The Christmas Story Wiki style
Hello!!! Aww, thanks!
Plastic surgery is a POPULAR gift?? Yikes!!!
That is both scary AND sad…that poor girl!
We have said no, but our kids get it. They may not like it, but deep down, they get it and appreciate all that they do have.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
Right there with you, Nicole! I’m just south of you and I think our area rivals L.A. when it comes to excess.
Jen recently posted..Boom Boom Pow
My daughter turns 16 in three months. We offered to throw her a party – not like those described in the post, but still a pretty large informal party with about 50 guests and a DJ. Instead, she asked to take a mother/daughter long weekend trip to New Orleans, one of our favorite cities, so that we could “make more memories.” Our older son was offered a party too, but he asked to have those funds put into college savings instead. We can be outraged, and rightfully so, at overindulgent parents, but the teens bear some responsibility too.
We indulge both our children more than we probably should, but they have always been very aware that it’s a CHOICE and not a right, and are appropriately grateful, polite and respectful. I do feel that our generosity to them and to others has taught them to be generous in turn with their time, talents and possessions.
You are clearly doing a lot of things right with your kids. Great job!
Agreed!
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I am the queen mother of saying no. And proud of it.
Wait, I thought I was the Queen of no. Don’t tell my kids!
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
We live in a town where it is very “keepin’ up with the Joneses.” I’m not into it. At all. I think it is ridiculous what some parents do for their kids. I’m sure my daughter will be getting lots of speeches about necessity and appreciation as she gets older.
Jennifer recently posted..Merry Christmas
And Jennifer, you are such a good mom….I’m sure that after your discussions, your daughter will get it.
It is so ridiculous, isn’t it?
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
Ooooh, yes!!! I can say no. I have boys & they will not buy their girlfriend expensive gifts….I think I’m off the hook on the sweet 16 thing, which, by the way, I had no idea was actually a popular thing. yikes.
priscilla – the wheelchairmommy recently posted..Connect with me
I have been hearing the crazy gift items for a while…but I just cannot get over that a parent would shell out that amount on a girlfriend/boyfriend…because you know the kid is not buying it.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s the same story in the town that I live… Extravagant birthday parties, catilions, and invitations to the prom that are more elaborate than most engagements. It’s insane.
I have a ten-year-old son and he frequently hears me give the “I don’t care what everyone else is doing” speech. I’m sure he will hear it a lot more in the coming years.
Ay recently posted..One Thousand Gifts (737-750)
We seem to share the same “speech”…I guess we are not the “only parents” that say that! :)
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
Thank god I am not the only one thinking this! My son is turning two and all our friends spent SO MUCH MONEY on little kids for Christmas, We barely spent anything. He is happy with what he got. He isn’t even 2 and doesn’t need a ton of stuff. It blows me away with what some parents do
Audrey recently posted..Monday Listicles – Top 10 of 2011
At that age, it reverts back to: the best gift was the box. :)
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
YAY! Love seeing you here, girlie! xo
Galit Breen recently posted..On the First Night of Hanukkah
Hi!!! Thank you so much for stopping by!!!
xoxoxo
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I had a “Sweet 16″ party, and it was just family/friends at my parent’s house. It was actually a surprise — my boyfriend “accidentally” left his wallet at my parents house so we had to go back and everyone had snuck in while we were gone. It was a couple of cold cut trays, some sodas, a cake, and that was it. I’ve done themed birthday parties for my kids that may *seem* over the top but a) it’s mostly grunt labor, not expense and b) I *like* planning parties, cooking for crowds, etc.
I don’t have a problem with the Pump It Up/etc. parties. Yes, they’re more expensive, but they’re certainly more *convenient*. We’ve done a birthday party at an indoor waterpark – I was willing to pay for the convenience of not having to cook or clean, and have entertainment built in. For the same reason, I’m glad my older boys wanted to go away the last few years instead of a party – in the end, it was probably a little more expensive but worth the memories (and they were grateful, not whiny) and a lot less effort (much as I love organizing/planning parties, it was not a good time in our lives for a party, so this was a better fit for our family). But a country club, DJ, stretch limo, etc.? For a birthday? OMG – NOT HAPPENING IN THIS UNIVERSE.
Same here. We’ve done theme parties before (they are fun!) but I have made the cakes, made up the games to play and had a few snacks. I think the kids had one “Big” party…a Mad Science Party and a local Bear Bus (kinda like Build-a-Bear)…and as it was fun, It was too much. We learned our lesson…and home parties then became the norm for us.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I’m one of the moms that have said no way to a lavish Sweet 16 party. In fact, neither of my two girls had any type of Sweet 16 party and my boys won’t either. What did I get when I was 16? A dozen red roses from my mom and dad in addition to my birthday money. It wasn’t a big deal with my friends either. If they had a party, it was something small like a party at their house.
My daughters have been to Country Club Sweet 16′s, some at major resorts in our area, rented out fire halls complete with catered food and a DJ in addition to smaller, home parties. We’ve been to Black&White only attire, formal attire, you-name-it parties. And you know what happens? My kids ask me why we don’t do it for them! Why can’t they have a big party??? Because my sweet children, I’d rather put the money into your college education. I’m one of those mean ‘ol parents who put their foot down and said, “I didn’t get one, and you’re not either. What I will give you is money to put toward your Bachelor’s degree.” Somehow that doesn’t go over too well at the age of 16. Oh well. I’m the parent, their they’re the children, and that’s the way it is.
I’m not swayed by what the Smiths and Joneses do in this world, and I don’t care. It doesn’t make me particularly popular with my kids at that age, however, I do think that they can appreciate it a few years down the road. Now that my oldest daughter is almost 20 and in college, she is becoming particularly aware of how much things cost and is more appreciative of what we’ve done (and haven’t done) for her.
Same here. We are the unpopular parents because we say no to a lot of things. Lately, I seem to be saying “right now I am your parent, not your friend.”
They don’t like that answer, but like you said; it’s how it is.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I blame MTV. I blame MTV for mostly everything, though! And though my daughter’s just a meager 10 months old, and I’d love nothing more than to lavish her with all the girly girlness I never had the luxury of experiencing, I am going to have to say no, too. And knowing me, probably publicly, to the kids’ parents.
Stephanie recently posted..We Have a Winner! (And a Few Other Things…)
btw, a previous poster mentioned something about this possibly being a regional thing. I live in the Poconos and can say that this was NOT typical 30 years ago. Almost unheard of. However, we’ve had a huge influx of NJ and NY people post 9/11 and this Sweet 16 phenomenon has exploded exponentially in our area. I’m sure the media hype only adds to it..
My eldest daughter is 10, during the summer we were all out having ice cream when she bumped into 4 friends from school whom she sat with to eat her kids cup of swirly ice-cream. It was a shock when I noticed that all her friends were sat texting away on their iphone 4s with huge sundaes in front of them! Where do they go from there???!!!! Its completely nuts. I completely agree about the parties. We def will not be going bankrupt to impress our kids friends!
Just because the kids want…does not necessarily mean need.
That has always been our question to the kids from a very young age. “Is this a need or a want?”
We may hear “BUT….” as the answer, and then reality sets in.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
God – I freaking SO agree!! My (almost) 12 year old daughter has already mentioned her “Sweet 16″ party SEVERAL times… and I’m not aware of them being a huge deal around here. But it wouldn’t surprise me. Girls were given Tiffany jewelry for 5th grade graduation (which is when our daughter got her “call and text only” phone – not the smartphone that her friends have), and we did splurge and get her the Vera Bradley lunchbox and backpack she wanted for middle school… but thousands of dollars on a party for turning 16? No way. She already knows that yes, if she REALLY wants a “Sweet 16″ party, she can have one… at the house. With food that we provide, music provided by her iPod, and a casual atmosphere. I actually plan to give her a “budget” of a couple of hundred dollars so she can plan and see how much everything costs. Flowers? DJ? Wardrobe? Country Club? NO FREAKING WAY.
And? The party will be her present. They go to a pretty affluent school – they will have friends that get brand new cars for their 16th birthdays . Not our kids. Their dad has already made that perfectly clear. Raising kids is WAY harder than I thought – because it isn’t in the way I expected. I’ve never said, “NO!” so many times in my life. I thought that would end when they were toddlers. Nope.
Tiffany jewelry?? See? Parents on on crack I tell you!!
You are so right…I don’t think I have ever said no more in my life either….sometimes I am already shaking my head before the request is even finished being asked! haha.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
The girls can party in the back yard. A friend can DJ, dad can mix drinks and grandma will bake a cake. Dress code: back yard casual, bouncer: me, the meannest mom on the block. Anything else is not going to happen.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Sometimes you must just shut up and enjoy
Kelly, I’m with you! Just say no! We are well versed in saying it, so much so that I think our kids are surprised whenever we say yes.
Recovering Supermom recently posted..NaBloPoMo Day 26: Monday Listicles- 11 Standouts of ’11
Our kids say the same thing- especially when a well thought out yes arrives. But since they are so far and few, when they hear it, they appreciate it.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I’m originally from Vancouver, Canada. We moved to NoCal 2.5 years ago, when my son was 8 months old. It was like culture shock to realize how extravagant the birthday parties for the kids in his age group were ‘expected’ to be down here because back home kids just have some friends over to play and eat a cupcake. Like, they were turning 1 or 2. They weren’t even going to remember it! It seems to me like these huge parties are more for the mommy than the child :/
Tracy recently posted..Christmas gave me zombie eye. Thanks Christmas.
I would have to agree with you.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
I’m pregnant with my first, a boy, and I can say right now if I ever have a girl, she will not come to expect such extravagance on something that does not warrant it. I completely agree with you, this kind of thing should be saved for the wedding day. Unfortunately we currently live an area that places way to much worth on these things (there are kids that are driving $100,000 cars and in clothes that I could never hope to comfortably afford in my area), and I know it will not be easy. I blame the Kardashians.
I’m 23 years old and I still recall the anger I felt toward my parents when they wouldn’t allow me to participate in a “Sweet 16″ party involving a group of my closest girl friends. It was an over-the-top Southern event involving limousines, caterers, live music (and a DJ), designer dresses for each birthday girl, and professional makeup artists, photographers, etc.
Looking back, I’m so grateful that my parents told me NO. At the time I cried to them that it was “only a few thousand dollars!” I thought they were cheap, cruel, and “just didn’t get it!”
Now I’m embarrassed I ever even asked, the whole idea is completely ridiculous.
I hope our kids will look back and feel the same way.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
God no kidding!! That’s freaking rediculous! My husband I spend $20 or less on our Christmas gifts to eachother. And that’s more than enough.
My oldest got a lap top for Christmas and I’m pretty sure she is the last one of her friends to get one. She is almost 18 and the only reason she got one is because she will be going away to school soon and will need one for her school work. Several of her friends were given brand new cars for their 16th birthday. Seriously? We can’t even buy ourselves a brand new car. People need to wake up and realize that they are just giving TOO MUCH.
Mom Taxi Julie recently posted..Christmas Hangover Day
A laptop has also been requested…but again, our answer was no. No because we have a home computer and ipad they can use. A laptop will be part of “the college package”.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
My 11 year niece got a cell phone for Christmas and when I asked my 11 year old son if he wanted one, he told me that of course he does and in fact he is one of the few kids in his 6th grade class that doesn’t have one. I asked him why he had never asked for one and he said it wasn’t worth it because he knew I would never say yes.
I think he knows better to ask for a huge party. I am always the mean mom who says no. I am proud of that hard-earned title.
Kate in Ohio recently posted..I’ll Scratch Your Back if You Scratch Mine….
I think I come from a slightly different perspective because in my Hispanic culture, a quincenera is given to girls at age 15 and IS a big deal along the lines of a mini-wedding. But we often adopt the padrino approach where family members and close friends “sponsor” different aspects of the celebration such as the cake or the catering, the dress etc. It’s a sort of “it takes a village approach” and I see nothing wrong with it at all. I plan for my daughter to have both a quince and a sweet 16 if she would like both. I am already planning ideas for it now and she’s only 5! Why not have more celebrations in life? Just my two cents.
I am not disputing a culturally important event, or right of passage…or it could even be a family tradition…but to have it happen otherwise is just over the top for me.
I think your celebration sounds wonderful. :)
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
Here in Australia your 16th is not that big of a deal and no one has big ‘sweet 16′ parties. If you’re lucky your parents will shell out a couple hundred bucks to throw you a big 18th and/ or a 21st which might be a BBQ in the backyard or something in a hired room at the local pub. These are not super posh affairs unless you are mega rich.
Exactly! The only thing I remember from that time in my life was a big family BBQ in the back yard when I graduated high school….then our wedding. In fact, our rehearsal dinner was at my parent’s house.
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
This is a shame. We see a pattern – anything that happens in the US starts to happen here years later. I’m already sad that we’ve started seeing “prom” at schools here – £200+ dresses, hairdressers performing up-dos, mani-pedis and limousines. Exactly what parents need at a time when buying a car and paying for university are also a big focus. My school had a leavers’ ball and we’d wear a party dress and get parents to pick us up.
My sister’s 21st birthday cost more than our wedding, and they were within a month of each other. I’m a little sore over that, but even the more logical part of me feels that it’s not quite right. The wedding was for us to share with our families and long-term friends; a birthday party is usually with whomever is favourable at that time. Also, I feel like a wedding is about a couple and the joining of two families, while the celebration of one individual’s life thus far seems to send the wrong message to that individual. We are all important, but we are not “look at me!!! Celebrate me!!!” important.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a shunner of material things who wants to live off-the-grid. I just don’t like that such lavish things are expected, or the insinuation that it’s not possible to have a good time without spending a fortune. I went to private school (with a scholarship), and I think it was a really nice environment with regard to money. It simply wasn’t mentioned, unless you were boasting about how you managed to find a dress for only £10, or that a tourist left you an incredible tip when you were waitressing. There were some people who you knew were super-rich, because they went on many holidays to exotic destinations, or they had city and country homes, but they weren’t revered for it. It just *was*.
Our son is 6 months old, and we’ve started saving for his future, but I’d rather spend that money on university, subsidising a low-paid apprenticeship if university isn’t his thing, or a down-payment on his first home than one night of conspicuous consumption.
I’m sure that plenty of kids who do have wonderful things bought for them remain lovely and polite and grateful, but often the largest expenditure seems to be in place of being present and involved in the child’s life.
Becca recently posted..In Which Becca Discusses Boobs, Again
Being present and involved IS the best gift!
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
When my daughter was 8, we had her birthday party at the American Girl cafe. It was so expensive that I tried to talk my husband into combining it with her wedding, but he didn’t go for it. Some nonsense about “children not getting married.”
Marinka recently posted..New Worry
We have did a mom/daughter trip to that store…can’t imagine the cost of a party!
My husband says the same thing….”Wedding? There is no wedding…”
Kelly recently posted..Today, I am a Scary Mommy
Oh, dear. I have done NOTHING in my life…NOTHING…that requires a bouncer.
I must get on that. Pronto.
(Great read…and no offense, but I’m a bit richer with no kids and for that I am thankful. Geeeez….)
Carrie recently posted..I’d cook more if I had a kid to do the dishes afterwards.
My son is only turning 5 in a couple of days, but we decided long ago that there will be no extravagance on that day, now and possibly for the next year!
Alas, I have two girls. Holy crap, they aren’t getting any, ANY, if that. Unfortunately, my nieces will expect and get it… All. Hrumph.
Oh God. This must be why my sister home-schools her kids. This is insane!
Aubrey Anne recently posted..Don’t fuss Dear
I get the party. Its very common here (Texas) because the mexican sweet sixteen is a lot like a wedding – including attendants. While not everyone is mexican, everyone likes a big party. For my sweet 16, I had a day trip to the beach (about 1 hour away) with two friends. It was fun. My parents raised me that money didnt grow on trees so I never expected or thought much about an extravagant party. I spent about $100 on my steady bf in highschool for xmas but it was my own money from working and I wanted to. I ended up marrying him so it worked out well.
Denae recently posted..Tackle It Thurs: Hung with Care
My 15 year old recently said (while watching the Kardashian madness that came with one of the younger girls turning 16), “That’s ridiculous! I would never want to spend that much money on one night, even if we did have it (which we don’t). I just want to have some girls over for a low-key sleepover for my 16th.” I do think some parents have effectively lost their minds when it comes to overindulging their children. It makes me sad when I think of the number of unappreciative, lazy children that are growing into a population of unappreciative lazy adults…
You must all live in affluent neighborhoods because I have only ever seen that on tv, no kids I know have parties like that we couldn’t afford it. I didn’t think that was real.
I have been to “budget” sweet sixteen parties that were <$5K. Still had the fancy dress, DJ, etc. Normally in a Lyons Club or Knights of Columbus Hall, these were lower middle class families who would do anything for their princesses. I do think it is a cultural thing. Much like a cotillion/coming of age party..
Denae recently posted..Tackle It Thurs: Hung with Care
I had a really, really nice wedding. It was only fair, though. On my 16th birthday, my parents took me out for pizza after my boyfriend dumped me.
Carri recently posted..Exactly Like Your Cat, but Fatter. And Probably Lazier.
It is strange that everywhere people are becoming so pretentious and extravagant. No more simple joys of life and intimate moments to cherish. Everything has to be over the top, expensive and laborious to achieve to be appreciated. Everyone feels like they have to put on a SHOW for the benefit of others. Are you going to be less proud of your child if she/he had a simple grad party, or a less happy that your child is growing if you throw them a cozy party on their BD??? What happened to focusing on the essence of things? What happened to the value of simple love?
We had a hall, catering and DJ for my daughter’s 16th birthday, but it was still low key, nothing like a wedding. Only about 35 friends. We decorated ourselves. But she’s our only and it was special to us.
I *LOVE* you. Really. I want to live near you and be friends FOREVER, oh wise mother!
I too have a 16yo daughter and a 9yo son. My husband is the sole income for our family (and was recently laid off but starts his new job this week!). I am disabled, my son has health issues. We have ALWAYS stressed to our kids that they will not have the “latest and greatest”.
We sacrificed for our daughter to go to private school for 9 yrs so she could go to the high school of her dreams (it’s an international baccalaureate).
When it came time for her 16th we were going to have a beach party, rent a van and drive her friends there and back. I wound up being sick for a time and SHE decided the party was off. She didn’t NEED one. In fact it’s damn near impossible to get her to tell you what she does want for a gift, forget a party.
My parents are the ones who spoil the kids terribly–like getting my daughter an iPhone (yes I’m jealous). There was not a thing wrong with her previous phone. But I will say she is an awesome kid so I don’t mind them giving my kids the things we can’t (or won’t).
I do want to plan a nice graduation party which will probably involve renting out a small place (nothing big, nothing fancy, and certainly NOT catered, except maybe by Publix lol).
I do know there is a bit of Xmas gift envy between my son and his friends…it’s hard when you’re 9. But he loved every single book we gave him and can’t wait to break out his “battle bugs”.
THANK YOU for making my job easier by being one of those parents who say NO. I love raising a teenager, really and her brother. The rest of that stuff is just CRAZY.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Welcome to The Crafty Angel!
my 16th was 8 kids from school and pizza and icecream cake. my dad bought me tires for the car i bought with my own money from working since i was 14. (in ohio its the youngest you can get a job, or back then it was ;)). my son is 3, and this past christmas was the most lavish he’s had. mostly b/c i bought stuff all year and forgot about it, but im due in 8 weeks and i want him to have lots to occupy him when i absolutely cannot give him attention. next year will be much more lowkey. and 16? good thing both grandpas are gear heads, you will help them build your car lol. and mom will pay for a paint job as your gift lol.
i have already seen some of the preschoolers having the big parties, my best friends DD is 5 and she goes to an ‘upperclass’ preschool, and my friend has shelled out TONS for birthday party gifts. i aslo see this with my older sister and her 7 year old DD. the school system is affluent but they are not, she buys tons of stuff after x-mas and on black friday and has a strict $15 limit.
i honestly dont remember most of my birthday parties, and i dont expect a 3 year old too either.
We absolutely live in a crazy world now. There is so much pressure on children, Tweens, and teenagers to have certain things and look a certain way. And of course this does not make it easier on us parents trying to keep ourselves and kids in reality. My girls are 7 and 4 and I do not look forward to the teenage years. Because I cannot even imagine what the world is going to be like in 9-10 years.
Tammy @ Skinny Mom’s Kitchen recently posted..Skinny Mom’s Kitchen 2011 Year in Review and What’s in Store for 2012
Thank you!!! My kids are very young, but I plan to join you on this anti-excess crusade. I’m so mean that my kids won’t even get a cell phone when they’re teenagers.
Suz recently posted..Nobody Gets to Kick My Dog but Me
I can say no!!
Love seeing you here! We are a big fan of small home parties here. Simple. At home. With friends. Maybe pizza and cake! I love celebrating birthdays but they are never extravagant. However next year now I think my husband should dress-up as a bouncer and stand at the front door. lol.
tracy recently posted..Time…
HeeHee…Bouncer at the door. I could not believe it.
Kelly recently posted..Today is My Day With The SITS Girls!
Your post makes me think of that awful show on MTV, “My Super Sweet 16″…spoiled little rich girls whining and crying and throwing fits over every little detail of a ridiculously lavish soirée they aren’t entitled to.
There are times I feeling a twinge of jealousy when my gal pals have a girlie day with their little princesses, then I think about all the drama I’ll hopfully be skipping with my two guys.
Enjoyed your post & visited your blog yesterday. I lived in Old Forge for a number of years, so I’m familiar with your “Capital district”.
Lollie @FortuitousHousewife recently posted..Twinkle Rejuvenation Program for Exhausted Mama Elves
Old Forge is a pretty area!
It is like the MTV shows…it’s crazy.
Thanks for the visit!
Kelly recently posted..Today is My Day With The SITS Girls!
I have to say that is amazing! I can’t believe that amount of money is being spent on such simple things.
I definitely have learned to love just saying no to things that are ridiculous and not actually something that will help our kids out in the long run.
Chris recently posted..Choosing Your Future Child’s Gender
Is it wrong that I think that when parents do that, it’s because they don’t expect their daughter to a. go to college (possibly not even graduate high school sans baby) and b. get married, so there fore they are giving her the party to make up for it?
My parents refused to do a Sweet 16 party for me because of those reasons. And they said that it’s a cultural throwback announcing that your daughter is now old enough for suiters to start haggling with her parents over the purchase, ahem, I mean, wedding. You know, back before girls went and got themselves an education and were worth more than just as a breeding sow.
Feminist that I am and that my parents are, it didn’t happen. Just my little opinion. :)
Polish Mama on the Prairie recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: The Wigilia Feast
I have a 13 1/2 year old daughter. She is in 8th grade now, and things are pretty mellow. But I am so worried about next year in high school. We live in a community that goes overboard as you describe in your post. We simply can’t keep up and certainly do not want to! You are so right when saying “how will her wedding day be special?” When I was a teenager, we didn’t do anything for my birthday. I got some gifts, but was told I was too old for cake. My wedding? 18 people came, my dress was $190 off the rack. I am still married 17 years later. I despise materialism.
JG recently posted..Damaged Goods – Retrospective 2011
We don’t make a big deal about birthdays. We never have… we do celebrate, but normally just us as a family – one gift, typically a homemade cake, pizza, rotel, chips, and hot dogs, etc. If our girls decide they want to have a “sweet 16″ party, we will let them have a small, REASONABLE party to celebrate with friends but we’re not renting a venue. There is plenty of space in our media room and if they don’t like it, I don’t know what to tell them. Forget it, I suppose. LOL And for the record, I was grounded on my 16th birthday. :/ I wasn’t scarred by it and honestly never really cared to begin with… I mean, aside from the general fact that being grounded sucked. Thankfully our daughters are pretty low-key and a shopping day with a few girlfriends then a sleepover will suffice when the time comes, I’m sure. Plus, we will be more focused on spending money on a car and insurance than a huge, ridiculously extravagant party… something they’ll actually be able to USE when they start college two years later.
It always makes me wonder that if they (both parents and kids) weren’t able to post all the details ALL over facebook for everyone to see how extravagant and lavish and what “amazing” parents they are would they bother with all that ? I feel like so much these days is motivated by what people want to show off with on facebook, so many comparisons, so much “one up man ship” so much out parenting each other..turns me cold and makes me do the complete opposite.
Uh no way not happening here. My son turned 16 this past November, and he didn’t even get a party and hasn’t had one since he was 13. He didn’t even get much in the way of gifts because he decided he wanted a class ring. That ring was almost $300, now its the first time he’s asked for something like that and he agreed that was his Bday and Xmas gift. My daughter who’s 6 now won’t be getting a big party either, not with college right around the corner.
Tracy recently posted..Book Review : INVASION TPC (A C.H.A.O.S. Novel) by Jon S Lewis
I am planning my daughter’s sweet 16 and I am not spending a fortune nor are we requiring expensive gifts or attire. She is a fantastic girl and deserves this It will be a special event with a rented space and DJ. Don’t judge so harshly parents who make this decision. We all have options and what we choose to do is a family decision. I think however parents celebrate special occasions is fine. And for all of you with a two year old who have chosen to comment, let me just advise you to wait 14 years and see how you feel then!
I agree with Megan. Back when my daughter was a toddler, I certainly would have agreed with the majority of commenters. However, she turns 16 in three weeks and all she talked about was having a sweet 16 party. She is a social butterfly with a lot of friends. We are having a party in a firehouse (free) with a DJ and a couple of 6 foot subs. I won a cake at an auction. Now all that’s left is a dress (she found one at the mall for $400…over my dead body). My biggest concern is kids showing up drunk.
I really didn’t want to have a big party but she wanted one so badly. I feel like we have compromised a lot and I hope that it turns out to be fun for her and all of us.
My other daughter turns 16 in a couple of years and depending on how this party goes perhaps I can convince her to do something different. We’ll see.
I forgot to mention the dresses for teenage girls right now look like they’d be found on streetwalkers. Finding a suitable dress that I will buy her and that she will like will be a huge undertaking. But, by reading all of these comments, I feel that I will be able to stick with my guns and not give in to her pleas. She constantly tells me that the moms of all her friends LOVE the skinny little dresses in the stores. Right.
Kelly…I agree because I have 4 nieces who are from Northern NJ. When I met John I was not ready for the amount of $$ we shelleds out for Christenings, 1st birthdays, baby showers and yes sweet 16′s. I was aghast….and still am. Even christening in my neck of PA/NJ are like mini weddings…or communions….hugs..DJs, speciality cakes…FIRST dances…I kid u not. I just don’t get it..but because I am close to where u are…I am all too familiar. Xo
Kir recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: Elaine from The MissElaine-our Life is Sharing the Corner Today
I think I love you. No, really.
My Sweet 16 (many many years ago) was in my parents’ apartment, with a bunch of my friends and decorations we put up ourselves. I wore a cute black strapless COTTON dress that I was able to wear to a million other summer outings over the years. My Mom did all the cooking. Fast-forward to my husband’s cousin’s Sweet 16 four years ago: Worlds Fair Marina catering hall (I kid you not)… It was totally a mini wedding. Which I suppose is ok, since she had to do the justice of the peace thing shortly after (think about it) and didn’t have a wedding.
Speaking of weddings, I think they’re over the top, too. Who needs to spend $100K on a PARTY? My husband & I got married on a beach in Kauai, then returned and threw a luau in our backyard. Total cost, including the Hawaii part, was under $4K.
OK, back to birthdays… Why are FIRST Birthdays also requiring catering halls and dj’s and all out entertainment? I’ve attended quite a few of those too, one in particular recently at the Worlds Fair Marina shortly following another gala there (Think about it). No one should have to wear formal attire at a baby’s first birthday party.
My own darling daughter is going to be 4. The rest of her family has over the top parties. We… have backyard BBQ’s. I refuse to cave into peer-pressure. For her First Birthday, her 2nd, her 3rd, and in June, her 4th. All BBQ’s. I MIGHT be talked into renting a hard floor for our traditional backyard shindig for her Sweet 16 for dancing. Maybe. There is plenty of time to consider it. But it will just be an outdoor version of my own tiny apartment Sweet Sixteen. Fun, laid back.
Over 20 years have passed since my Sweet 16, and I still look fondly on it. And no one is in debt over it!