Company Invents Noise-Canceling Fork So Divorce Rates Should Drop Soon

Tired of your spouse’s incessant slurping? This fork is for you

If you are someone who likes company while you eat but the sound of any sort of slurping or chewing noise makes you want to rip someone’s eyeballs out and ram them down their throat, today is your lucky day.

Japan’s very own Nissin, the original instant ramen maker (college kids everywhere thank you), is answering prayers all over the damn place with their Otohiko fork — a noise-canceling fork that drowns out the sound of slurping. Sure, it’s $130, but it’s cheaper than divorce.

According to their website, this fork is guaranteed to add a full five years to the lives of those around you and make those who use it more bearable human beings to eat a meal with. Just kidding, their site is written in Japanese but I imagine this is what it says.

The limited edition fork has built-in sensors that detect the sound of slurping, and then sends a signal to the offending slurpers Smartphone to play other sounds, like music or white noise, that are more soothing to those around them than slurping. So, like nails on a chalk board or a bag of cats.

I love my husband dearly but there are times I have contemplated legal separation over listening to him eat one more morsel of food. Some couples need separate bathrooms – we’d probably benefit from separate kitchens. Though I’m sure he says the same about my haphazard dishwasher loading (“Do you even look in the dishwasher when you load it or just throw shit in and hope for the best?”)

Misophonia is no joke. It’s defined as a “hatred of sound” but not necessarily all sounds. People with misophonia have specific symptoms and triggers (my husband chewing) to sounds and occasionally to visual triggers (my husband opening the refrigerator because that means chewing is about to happen) and can cause panic, flight reactions, defensiveness and even full-fledged rage for sufferers of this disorder.

The promotional video for the Otohiko fork states that their utensil sent from heaven above intends to curb “noodle harassment,” for those who believe in the benefits of slurping, like enhancing a food’s flavor or cooling food, trump the offensive noise it makes. Now, slurpers can glug to their hearts content and the rest of us can keep our sanity.

According to Digital Trends, Nissin has taken a crowdfunding approach for the fork and will start manufacturing the product if more than 5,000 people pre-order it. Let’s make this happen, people.