Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
I decided to pick the kids up early from daycare Friday. David had been working non-stop and I didn’t know what time he would be home that night either. I thought it would be a special treat to take them out for dinner. Plus I really didn’t want just the three of us to sit around the dinner table again. Even with the chatter of a three and six year old the table just seemed lonely without him.
As we settled into the colorful booth of our local Mexican restaurant and started gobbling down chips and salsa Baby Girl asked, “Mom, did I remember to tell you about what happened with the boy at school?”
I breathed an internal sigh and thought, “what now?” We’ve had a lot of problems this summer and every day it seemed like it was something. She was getting better at dealing with the conflicts herself, but this must be something new. “No babe. What happened?”
“The other day Jane and Mary and me (all six) were sitting in the back of the room with Bob (12) at quiet time and he asked us if we wanted to kick him in the nuts.”
“… He what?” I calmly asked. Meanwhile inside my heart had stopped beating and tortilla chips started making their way back up.
“He said we could kick him in the nuts if we wanted.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told him no. That it would hurt him and I don’t want to hurt anybody.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said that he didn’t care if we hurt him. That we could do it anyway, but I didn’t want to do that.”
“Did any of the girls do it?”
“No. Mom, I don’t want to talk about this here.”
The conversation had started out very matter of fact, but I could tell she was getting increasingly uncomfortable so I told her that was fine. I’m not sure how I managed to hold on to my composure, but I was able to sit through the remainder of dinner and the, thankfully, more normal chit chat I hear at the end of every day.
As we were getting in the car and I was buckling up her little brother, I asked her the question I had been dreading since she first told me about the incident, “Baby Girl, did Bob touch you in any of your private places?”
“No Mom. I wouldn’t let anyone do that.”
“Good. I’m glad you’re so smart. Did you touch him in any of his private places?”
This question got me one of those incredulous looks that six year old girls have perfected and a “No Mom.”
“Good. That’s good. Did he ask you to touch him in any of his private places?”
“No Mom. Just the kicking.”
Bud was all buckled into his seat at this point so I shut his door and took a deep breath to ready myself for the next questions that I knew I had to ask. I climbed into my seat, cranked the car for the air and turned to look at her, “Baby Girl… did you go with Bob anywhere by yourself?”
I could tell she was getting more nervous and uncomfortable. “No Mom.”
“Did he ask you to?”
“Yes.”
“What did he ask you babe?”
“He said that I could go to the bathroom and he would be there in a few minutes, and that when he came in I could close my eyes and pull down my pants and it would be over in a few minutes. But it made me really uncomfortable Mom and I didn’t want to go anywhere with him so I told him no.”
“That’s great babe. You did exactly what you were supposed to do, and I’m so glad you told me about what happened. You know you can always tell me anything, right?”
“Yeah. He told me that he wouldn’t tell anyone if I did it and that we shouldn’t tell anyone that he asked, but I knew I needed to tell you.”
“You were right. And babe? I’ve never been more proud of you than I am at this minute right now.”
“Even when I was born?”
“Even when you were born.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately this story is 100% true. After my daughter told me what happened I contacted the owner of the daycare and the parents of one of the other girls (I couldn’t find contact information for the other mother), and their daughter confirmed what Baby Girl had told me. After discussing the incident with the other parents, David and I decided to file a police report even though technically a crime had not been committed.
We are still in the middle of this situation so unfortunately I don’t have any resolution yet. At this point all I know is that the boy, who is the son of one of the daycare teachers, will not be allowed back at the school. I don’t know if the teacher will be allowed to return to her job after breaking the rules by allowing her son to come to the daycare and allowing the girls to be alone with her son in a part of room that the children are not supposed to be in at quiet time. I also don’t know if I will be taking my children back there if she is still employed there. I don’t want to, but my husband hates to rip them away from the place they’ve been since they were born. My daughter doesn’t want to leave her friends.
I always thought if something like this happened to one of my children I would find and eviscerate the person that did it. Instead all I have felt since my daughter told me what happened is heartbroken, nauseous and shaky. I’ve tried not to let my mind wander to “what if.” What if she had not said no? What if I had not talked to her about private places? What if I had not said something about people that act nice but really want to hurt you? What if she had gone into that bathroom? If I let my mind go there I become a shaking mass of crying goo.
My child was almost molested. Almost. She was almost a statistic. Her life was almost changed forever. Everything sweet and innocent and pure about her was almost stolen from her. Almost.
If this isn’t something you have talked to your children about, please, I beg you, do it today. Don’t wait. Because as horrible as this has been I can’t even begin to imagine how much worse it could be if it weren’t for almost.
{ 155 comments… read them below or add one }
My heart was in my throat reading this. You have obviously done an excellent job in preparing her for this potentially catastrophic situation. I’m so glad it wasn’t worse, and I hope it can all be resolved in a way that makes you all feel as comfortable as possible in this type of situation.
dysfunctional mom recently posted..WWTKW ~ Nom nom nom!
Wow. I’m so glad that your daughter is smart and knew better than to let that boy do anything. It’s also great that she had the courage to tell you about this.
Jessica recently posted..Where I’m From
What a wonderful cherub you have to act in such a way, and what a wonderful mama you are to teach her such critical life skills. You’ve highlighted such an important issue for me- recently my child’s kinder community has been in a bit of a fluff because a man approached a child, APPARENTLY, but since then whenever any male jobs past our local park an email alert is going around. It worries me that parents get their knickers in a knot over strangers but we know that in over 90% of abuse cases the perpetrator is someone the child/family already knows. Well done on your fantastic parenting, hat’s off to you. Now to take a deep breath and go have a chat with my cherub.
Green Mama recently posted..Outta here…
Oh my heavens. What a brave girl you have for not only saying no to that boy, but also for telling you even when she knew it would be hard.
Your story is sad on so many levels. Sad for your little girl and the other two girls who almost had their innocence ripped away and sad for that 12 year old boy who is obviously confused and needs someone to step up and take control of his situation immediately. I hope if nothing else that boy is given some help and his mother is given some guidance.
And I don’t think you had any choice but to switch schools, you could never be comfortable there again.
Oh my, that is just horrendous! You clearly did a good job with your baby girl, hang on to that thought.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..On coming face to face with the big C
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve spoken to my daughter (8y/o) about private places and people who seem nice but really are not. But this is a good reminder to have a refresher conversation as well as beging the conversation with my almost 4 year old.
Thank you!
Oh God. This is my worst nightmare.
As a mother of 2 boys with severe autism I am always on high alert for the possibility that one or both of them may be molested at some point in their life. It is especially scary considering neither of them have the cognitive development necessary to verbalize any abuse they would suffer.
I am so glad your daughter was able to tell you and that you and your husband made the decision you did. I hope they are looking into the boys’ family and home life to rule out the possibility that he may have been or is a victim of sexual abuse as well.
Sunday Stilwell recently posted..Insta-Friday, Take 2
Sometimes the size of things kids can carry on their tiny shoulders is amazing. I’m heartened by your daughter’s strong impulse to protect herself and do the right thing from beginning to end of this situation. It really should give us all hope in what kids are capable if adults point them in the right direction.
Team Suzanne recently posted..Clumsy birds, dead birds and GNR
Wow, I’m so thankful that your daughter understood what was happening. Such an important lesson to remind us about our children’s safety. You did a good job teaching her the right way!
Maria @amotherworld recently posted..My Name Is Not Alexander by Jennifer Fosberry Book Review
I’m bawling right now to where I almost can’t breathe. I thank GOD you’ve taught your kids well, that you didn’t just say things like “don’t play doctor if a boy says to”. I am sick for you, sick you’re in this situation and sick that your little girl and her friends have to deal with this as such a tender age.
Because I’m not an “almost”. I was 6. And I never told my mom.
So yes, I’ve taught my kids they can tell me ANYTHING, and they do, thank God.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Headacheslayer’s Fieldtrip: To The ER
I can’t tell you how glad I am that your daughter was comfortable telling you, that she KNEW to tell you. Open communication is so important and only increases as they age.
I wonder about Bob too, though. What must his life be like that at 12 he’s propositioning 6 year olds (or anyone!)? What has he been exposed to? What’s happened to him that has made him into a potential predator now? It’s heartbreaking — the almostness of it all.
Arnebya recently posted..Wordful Wednesday: I Got Nothin’
Ahh, Jennifer. I want to reach right through my computer and give you a big hug right now.
Big Girl constantly amazes me. She is wise beyond her years, and such a good example to anyone she interacts with.
We just recently went through a similar situation and I’ve yet to blog about it (still not sure if I will). But it was a boy the same age as Buster, exposing himself IN BUSTER’s FACE, at daycare. At first I thought it was innocent, but as I gathered more details, I realized it wasn’t as innocent as I first though. Nothing, NOTHING prepares you for hearing something like that come out of your child’s mouth.
Kmama recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: A Proud Wife Too
I want to scream “HOW DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN AT DAYCARE?” But I already know. I hope they can get to the bottom of Buster’s situation and that he isn’t affected by it and just thinks the other boy was being silly.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Omg!!!!! Thank god your daughter has a good head on her shoulders!!!!!
What a gutwrenching horrifyingly scary story. But kudos to you, mom. You are raising your little girl to protect herself and to assert herself and I am so proud hearing your story. We have expanded the “what if” discussion of private parts to private things we don’t say on the internet, even if it’s on club penguin and it seems like a nice girl with purple hair, it could still be a creepy guy and very very dangerous. You did good and your daughter is an amazing girl!
This all happened in August right before school started. I did send the kids back to daycare. I spoke with the owner and was given a lot of assurances of what would happen. The age limit was changed and now no children over the age of 10 are allowed to attend. Boys and girls are now kept separate during “quiet time”, and all of the workers attended training for this type of thing.
I do not blame the daycare at all for what happened. I think that at the time they had done everything they could conceive of to prevent something like that. But then a teacher broke the rules.
I do blame the teacher. She was not fired, but her schedule was changed and I was assured she would have no contact with my children. Up until this happened I would have trusted that teacher with my kids’ lives, and I did on a daily basis. I do still think she is a good person, but with a troubled son. And I do think she should have been fired.
I changed daycare centers this week. Not just because of this, but because of some of several things that have been building up for awhile. I really, truly love a lot of the people working there, and think they are great people. BUT, I think they have a serious management problem, and I believe my children will be better off at another center.
My daughter is ecstatic to be switched. She was asking to move before this even happened. I think she was really ready for a change. The thing that held me back was my 3yo son. He is really attached to his teachers and his friends and I knew that it would be a huge adjustment for him. And it is. But I know that he will be fine. Kids are resilient. Plus I think the curriculum at the new center is WAY better than what he had before.
My Big (Baby) Girl doesn’t talk much about this anymore. I think it was a learning experience for all of us. A big “head’s up.” Now that I’ve distanced myself and am not absorbed with the “what if”, I can be really proud of her, and a little proud of myself that I managed to teach her a life skill that will serve her well for the rest of her life.
My hope for all of this is that another parent will talk to their child and that will prevent their child from being a statistic as well.
Thanks everyone for your super nice comments. It really does mean a lot to me.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m trying very hard not to throw up right now and not to panic.
I have a 3 and 4 year old, both girls. I don’t know how to bring this up with them. I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t want something to happen to them because I don’t know what to say. How old was your daughter when you started to talk to her about this?
I started talking to my daughter in very simple terms when she was about 18 months old. When I would give her bath I would say, “these are private places and we never show anyone our private places,” and just leave it at that. As she has gotten older I’ve told her in more detail that private places are not to be touched by anyone but Momma and Daddy and only during bath time. I’ve also told her that if something makes her feel uncomfortable then she doesn’t have to do it. That she can say no. I always have tried to keep the conversation casual and not all angsty. At three and four I would probably just ask them during bath, “do you guys know where your private places are?” and say something like, “You know no one is ever supposed to touch you there and if that happens you need to tell momma and daddy.” Then just let it develop from there.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
I want to encourage you–and every parent reading this post–to PLEASE teach your children the proper names for their “private places”. It is not shameful to teach them vagina and penis, etc. You empower your kids when you teach them that those parts are not shameful and nameless.
Yes. Your kid will blurt out what they have at inopportune times. But it is FAR better to be embarrassed by that than face worse because of misunderstanding and ambiguity.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Wordle
We do. That is just what we started with when she was really little. We wanted to push the fact that it was “private.” Now we use all of the proper terms.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Thank you. I just don’t want to say the wrong thing. But obviously not saying anything isn’t the right answer.
Thanks for giving the tips. I have a 5 year old and have not talked about this to her at all (other than don’t pull your dress up, we don’t show people our panties). I had no idea that it may be an issue. I will be sure start talking now. I have not read your blog before, but am glad a friend posted this on her FB page. So happy your little girl was such a BIG girl and told you what happened. You have obviously done a wonderful job with her.
Thank you so much for the tips on how to talk with our children. My daughter is 4 1/2 and though the thought of the things that can happen to her scares me to death, I haven’t been sure how to talk to her about that kind of thing, without scaring her completely. It sounds like you have done an amazing job preparing your children and I thank you for sharing such a difficult story with us. While we know bad things happen, you never feel like it will *really* happen, but your story has shown me how real and easy it is. It makes me sick to even think of my daughter being in that situation, and her lack of ability to deal with it. We will be having quite a few conversations to prepare her (and my son as he grows older). THANK YOU THANK YOU.
I’m glad your daughter knew what to do. My husband read the story and wanted me to let you know, the law where we are says that it’s still gross sexual imposition based on what he asked her to do. He thinks that you can press charges and force the boy to get the help he needs through that. Not as a way to hurt the boy, but more as a way to help him. Court ordered therapy and assesment is obviously something the boy needs.
On the otherside of that coin, as a mom, I can see why you may not want to re-hash this all for your daughter. Especially since it’s been two months.
In either case, God Bless you and be well.
We did file a police report, but the officer told me that what happened was not technically against the law, but they would follow up on it. I don’t know what the outcome of that was.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
We cannot trust even the Police. Sad, but true. A Lawyer will know better. But make sure he’s an honest lawyer. (is that an oxymoron?)
sigh.
thank you so much for sharing your story.
this is my absolute worst nightmare.
ya done good, mama.
nic @mybottlesup recently posted..claustrophobic block
Chills. Head to toe. Thank GOD for your relationship with her that she could tell you everything. GREAT WORK, Mom.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Snap Judgments – How Reliable are They?
Oh my God, Jennifer. This post scared the junk out of me. You are an amazing mom, and your daughter is an amazing little girl. Thank you for this important lesson.
Roo {NiceGirlNotes} recently posted..The Work From Home Dilemma
She did good! My daughter was at a little girl’s house playing when their son unlocked the bathroom door, came in, locked it behind him, and exposed himself to her and tried to make her touch him – she refused. She was 7 at the time, he was a very large 11. We spoke with the parents, and they spoke with their son. In questioning him, they discovered he (and several other young boys) had been molested at the after-school daycare he’d been going to for years.
I have a feeling something like this must have happened to this boy as well. I really hope they they are trying to get to the bottom of why he did this. And if he had ever done it before.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
You have a smart, brave little girl. It is absolutely terrifying how often things like this happen, but you all reacted perfectly while handling a nightmarish situation.
They will be fine in the new daycare. As you said, kids ARE resilient. And you all will be able to sleep better knowing that situation is behind you.
I’m proud of all of you.
Vinobaby recently posted..Wordless Wino Wednesday: Christmas in September?
I don’t even know what to say, except thank you for sharing this with me. I’m going to share it with everyone I know so they talk to their kids too. I’m so glad she said no. SO glad.
christy recently posted..Big Whales
Molestation and rape is a HORRIBLE thing. I have lived it. My heart breaks when I hear or read about situations like this. I was molested by a stranger who grabbed me on the street near my home. He was never caught. But what breaks my heart again is when people say that “my child’s innocence was stolen” or destroyed or whatever. After my incident that was the way my parents and others thought of me and my “innocence” but really, I was the same. Something really bad had happened. I had been hurt. I knew I hadn’t done anything bad or wrong. It was others who made me think that I had lost something irretrievable and think I was dirty and less valuable for it. Your daughter was fortunate to avoid such a horrible fate, but even if it had happened she would still be innocent, sweet and pure. Losing those things is attached to HER OWN actions when she is old enough to make the decisions, not to things forced upon her.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. When I say “innocence” I mean more in a knowledge sense. As in now she doesn’t know anything about sex or even what that boy wanted from her. I would like to keep that from her until a more age appropriate time.
Molly, you are amazing and strong. But not all of us are. I completely understand what you mean, but I do feel like I lost something. It did change me. It made me more vulnerable to abuse later on in my life. But I’m glad you came to the realization you did and wish you’d had that support you deserved for feeling whole.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Wordle
My heart hurt as I read this, thank GOD you had that tough conversation with your daughter. She is obviously a very smart girl and you’re an amazing mom.
Jessica recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Yard Sale Treasures
Thanks so much for sharing you story, As a mother of twin daughters who are 4 and half I need to start this conversation. I have been dreading it and so procrastinating. A very timely reminder that the consequences outway the awkwardness.
I always talked to my children about this from the time they were little (“good touch, bad touch”). I always encouraged them to tell me if anything happened. All the things parents are supposed to tell their children to keep them safe from things like this happening. But one year ago, I was told by my two tearful teenage daughters that they had been molested. For years. By their cousins.
I was sick. Nauseated to think that my nephews, the oldest of whom was just a couple of years older than my oldest daughter, could do this to my baby girls. And at their grandmother’s house right next door with grownups in the next room. Repeatedly and for years. And there were never any of the warning signs that you are told to look for. Not a one.
I thought something like this could surely never touch our family. I was careful about where our children were and who they were with. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. We prayed for God’s protection over our children continually. But it did and I felt so incredibly guilty that I could not protect my daughters. And then to wonder how in the world my three young nephews would know to do this to another child….they surely were molested, too.
We now deal with the fall-out. And pray for the healing that my girls need. We also realize that sometimes things happen even when you take all precautions.
Anonymous – My heart just aches for your girls. As I read these posts from people who have been molested, or have kids/siblings who were molested, it just makes me want to throw-up! I am so, so, so, so very sorry that this happened to your daughters. There is ALWAYS fall out. Whether “it” actually happens or whether it “almost” happens – there is ALWAYS fall out. You will be added to my prayers. May God shower His tender mercies on us all.
I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. I would not have been as calm as you were during dinner that is for sure. I am wondering though, why would a 12 year old boy be asking these things? It is not normal and makes you wonder what has been done to him or what his parents allow him to see. I have an 11 year old and he still giggles like a school girl if you say sex and shudders when I ask him about girls. Something about this just doesn’t seem right to me and although I would be very angry at what happened I would have to ask myself what this boy has gone through to make him want to do these things. I really do hope the police investigate it so he won’t do this again to someone else’s daughter who may end up in the bathroom with him.
I did. I even mentioned to the police officer that I didn’t think this was normal behavior and I hoped that they would find out what triggered this from him. And I do hope that his parents follow through and get him help and find out they why of all of it.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
You are an awesome mom and I really appreciate you sharing this story. I was molested as a child, on two different occasions, by other children. I shudder to think of what they must have gone through, to be acting as predators at such young ages. But, of course, we didn’t talk about stuff like this back then. Thank you so much for doing what you did and for talking about it.
Triplezmom recently posted..Since I’m Socially Inept. . .
First of all, this is the scariest story I’ve heard in a LONG time. It’s every parents nightmare. I applaud you for having the guts to write it down for all of us.
Second, great job Mom!! Without having had that conversation with your daughter she could have been another victim. Instead she is strong and smart and knows right from wrong. And that’s on you and her dad. Bravo!
Alexia @ Babies & Bacon recently posted..(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday: My Little Shutterbug
Powerful entry — thank you for sharing a difficult but important conversation.
My baby girl is 5 months old and this just brought tears to my eyes. “What if…” is so scary. I’m so very relieved that your daughter is okay, albeit the resolution. And my heart goes out to all those above whose story ended differently, and including a dear family member of mine, before she could even say the word ‘No’.
Cindy recently posted..Wham Bam Thank You Lamb
This made me cry it broke my heart to read about what your daughter faced. Havingwitnessed my older brother being raped by the babysitters son and having been molested by my brother as a fall out this is my ultimate worst nightmare for my son. Our family lucky survived the fall out after I told my mom when I was 8 with a lot of theropy and tears . Im just glad your little girl had the courage and mindset to protect herself and be honest with you. When my baby is older he’s only 3 mths I’m gonna try to instill that in him to I can only hope it sinks in.
Wow, I can imagine that must have been as difficult to write as it was to read. You and your daughter are both very brave. Thanks for paving the way for those of us with very little ones to begin thinking about these conversations.
Stephanie recently posted..Things I’ll Never Apologize for Again
Wow, I’m a little sick after reading this. My kids aren’t in daycare I am able to stay home with them. Reading this makes me appreciate how lucky I am to be able to do that. Something like this did happen to friends of ours with their little girl. All we can do is arm our children with knowledge and hope they they use it like this little girl did.
I would just caution that this can happen ANYWHERE. This totally proved that for me because daycare was the last place I was concerned about. I believe that if your children leave your sight (and please tell me that they do at least sometimes) then they need this information. This can happen at church, on a playground, at a friend or relatives home. You just never know.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
I’m with Jennifer. My mom was a stay at home mom. I was literally next door. And *their* mom had a stay at home mom.
It can happen anywhere.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Wordle
This makes me sick..incredibly sick. I worry about this happening with my son. I see him sometimes and think how much there is that is out of my control, but I just need to raise him to make good decisions. He’s only 10 months old and I think about this stuff. This is horrible and awful. I hope there is a resolution soon, and good for your little lady for knowing to protect herself.
Amanda Austin recently posted..#Pinterest Challenge: Loaded Baked Potato Dip
Such a scary possibility! You should be so proud of your daughter for being able to talk to you about it, and proud of yourself for fostering a relationship with her where she is comfortable talking to you about it!
Christi recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Have Helmet, Will Ride
I can say this is pretty much every daycare providers worse nightmare…and this —> “breaking the rules by allowing her son to come to the daycare and allowing the girls to be alone with her son in a part of room that the children are not supposed to be in at quiet time.” is a lawsuit.
I’m so glad you followed your instincts and removed your kids from the daycare…especially if there were other small red flags that indicated things weren’t as they appeared.
As nice as the providers might seem to be, that breech of trust cannot be repaired.
Mama Kat recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: If I Didn’t Have To Work
“That breech of trust cannot be repaired.”
Exactly. I think maybe if they had fired the teacher, but I don’t know… with everything else that has happened (just general stuff that adds up) I still think I would have moved them.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
I’m shocked that they didn’t force the teacher’s resignation. Flabbergasted. I mean, you never know if this boy had approached other small kids before your daughter. This is so scary it makes me cry.
You have one strong, confident, smart little girl. Thank you for sharing.
Tracy @nystoopmama recently posted..9/11 (10 years + 19 days later)
I’m in tears over this. My boys are 2 and 4; I’m not sure when to start these serious conversations but I feel the 4 year old will need the talk soon as he’s just moved from daycare to pre-k at a large gradeschool. this must have been an incredibly (and my cathartic) post but thank you for posting and reminding us of how important the serious stuff is!
Now. He needs the conversation now.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Thank you. You all were so courageous.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to deal with but I truly appreciate you reminding us that we need to continue to have these talks with our children. I have before but you always wonder if they hear you and truly understand. I’m so grateful for you and your daughter that this was an “almost” and nothing more.
Kim recently posted..Silver Button Necklace, Spiral, Pendant
I am so upset reading this. Good for her and good for you for knowing what to do and for communicating with your kids about this. She felt safe telling you. That, my dear, is a sign of good parenting. So very good.
Please continue to communicate with her. As an abused child, I would not always disclose all of the details. Not saying more happened, just being cautious. Plus, the more she talks with you about it, the more she will do so in the future if anything bothers her.
I want to throw up. My son’s preschool had someone come in to the school last year to talk to them about strangers and private places but I think I’m going to give him a refresher course when he gets home today. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through, but I’m also thankful for what you didn’t have to go through. Hang in there.
Mychal B. recently posted..My baby is in preschool!
Holy cow- this story has me trembling.
I’m so so sorry this happened but SO glad that she talked to you about it. Thanks for sharing. My oldest son is 4.5 and it’s a wake-up call for me that I can start the conversations with him… now off to Google for some good articles that’ll help me.
Melissa {momcomm} recently posted..StumbleUpon: A Guide to What Not to Stumble
This made me physically ill. I am not looking forward to these kinds of conversations, although I commend your bravery and composure in this situation. Its unfortunate that these scenarios are so common. Thank you for sharing.
Jamie recently posted..I still don’t get it.
This post has made it crystal clear to me that its never too early to talk to your little ones about protecting their body. Now I know what I need to do tonight.
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I think I held my breath the entire time I was reading this. I don’t even really know what to say other than thank God your daughter told you. I am highly disturbed that this happened at all much less in an environment where you trust that she is safe during the day.
Thank you for sharing. It again reinforces the fact that we need to talk to our kids openly about things – even if they do make us uncomfortable.
Good job mom!!
you’ve done a great job as a mom. if she doesn’t want to leave the school, don’t make her. if you do, she might connect the dots and wind up at, “i told my mom, and i got punished for it. i wound up miserable.” you want her to know that you’re on HER side, that she’s not powerless in her life, that she has control. i think if the boy isn’t being allowed back, you should her how proud you are and how much you trust her by letting her decide if she wants to stay there or not. moving her to another daycare just means a brand new question mark. it’s no guarantee of safety. and please try to keep in mind that this boy is a victim, too. if he’s doing this to others, odds are extremely high that someone has done (maybe is still doing) this to him. (and i say that as someone who was molested by an 11yo when i was 6).
I did consider that, and I mentioned it to the police officer that I hoped they investigated his background to see if something had happened to him. Also, I really hope his parents address the issue and try to get to the bottom of it instead of burying their heads in the sand.
Actually right after this happened she did tell me she wanted to leave. At first she was reluctant, but a lot of other more general things were going on and she started telling me almost daily that she wanted to move. I moved them both this week.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
oh good, i’m glad y’all wound up wanting the same thing :) that always makes things a lot easier. and i can’t tell you what a big deal it is that you let her steer the decision. even “almost” situations can make a kid feel pretty powerless, and i think what you did probably restored a sense of control to her world.
i hope they investigate, too :( my heart breaks for this poor boy, because more than likely, he’s not an “almost.” and i don’t know what kind of person his mom is, but it’s certainly possible that she just didn’t know (even good moms don’t always know). now she has to deal with the fact that he’s been harmed or is being harmed AND is harming other children. she’ll probably lose her job/income, they’ll be gossiped about and villainized, she may have trouble getting another job…she could be a single mom who has done the best she can with very limited resources…their whole world has been shattered.
and by no means am i saying you should’ve done anything differently. you did the right thing. i’m just thinking about her side…compassion is less distressing than anger. of course, it’s also possible that SHE is the one molesting him and will finally be exposed. i have no idea. so i just pray that good will come of this and they’ll both ultimately have a better life for it.
regardless, i’m so relieved for you and your daughter, and i think it’s awesome of you to make this public and use it to educate other parents.
Well I do know that she is not a single mother and she did not lose her job. They kept her on at the daycare. Which completely floors me… but that is an altogether different discussion.
We live in a small town and she lives in a small town next to ours. There were several long discussions between her and the owners, this is all a very family owned tight knit business. She was completely floored. She had zero idea anything like this was going on. I feel very bad for her. I really do.
Also? They are all very lucky I’m not the gossipy spread it around town type. Even though, you know, I posted it on the internet. (All names are changed btw.) I would never go around talking about this boy or his mother.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Oh my gosh I have goosebumps from reading this. How unbelievably scary but such an important story to share because this could be ANYONE’s child. Thank you for the reminder that it is never too early to start talking to our children about these things.
Jessica recently posted..Layers of Motherhood
Bless you for sharing this with us. We’ve had the “private places” talk with my seven year old, multiple times, but a situation recently made us realize that we also need to encourage her to speak up in situations where she has been wronged. So, SO glad that your girl is okay. Good thoughts to you.
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Oh my God! What a smart, brave girl you have! What a reminder to ALL of us to talk to our children about things like this. This is one of our worst nightmares as mothers. I can only imagine what was going through your head as she was telling you the story, because I know what was going through mine as I was reading your account of it. :(
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Having been a statistic myself, (full, crazy, scary disclosure, I know) I was terrified to have a daughter. She’s two now and I am so grateful to have a little insight as to how to approach the subject and what words to use when discussing these types situations.
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I am so sorry that this happened to your child, but I also hope that the boy gets help through all of this and isn’t labeled for the rest of his life. He obviously doesn’t know that what he said or did was completely inappropriate and he needs counseling. Without knowing his background or why he acts out like this, it is impossible to understand why he would do such a thing.
I also hope that people in the town where you live don’t read this blog, figure out who this kid is, and do something tragic to him. I can almost guarantee you that if his peers at school know about this, then they are going to be cruel to him. He needs help, not labels.
You should be very proud of your daughter for telling you what happened and I agree that it needed to be reported, but I just can’t help but wonder what the boy’s parents are feeling right now and if they even knew that he was acting out like this.
We are going through a rough time in our house, because our 16 year old son wants to date a younger girl and I can’t imagine the hell it would be like to have my son viewed as some sort of monster.
Gina aka Slappy recently posted..Age of Consent
Yes, but does your son want to date a 12yo, and if so, why? Those are two completely different maturity levels at that age.
I do have concern for this boy and I do hope that he get help, but my primary concern is my daughter and anyone else he may try this with. Of course in a blog post you can not put in every single detail, but when more information came out this was in fact very calculated, and I have no doubts that he has tried this before. This time he just picked the wrong girls. THAT is what worries me.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
No, my son does NOT want to date a 12 year old. You obviously haven’t read my post about it.
I knew that I would come across as wrong for even saying what I did, I expected that. I agree that your primary concern is your child, just like mine is my child in our situation. I don’t disagree with what you did, I just see the boy’s situation as tragic as well. Something had to happen in his life for him to be acting out like this.
Gina aka Slappy recently posted..Age of Consent
I was molested at that age by an adult, older (like in her 50′s) woman who babysat me overnight for my single dad once – the only time I ever stayed overnight away from home with a non-family member until I was an older teen. I didn’t tell Daddy what had happened, but he could tell I was upset and thought I just didn’t like to be away from home. I never told anyone until I was much older, married and had a baby girl – now she’s 4 and I’ve got a 2 year old boy too. I’m trying to figure out how to have these conversations so that it is natural for both of them to just tell me if something happens and to give them the knowledge that saying no is right.
My Dad and I were extremely close, but he never talked to me about these things until I was a pre-teen, and unfortunately that’s too late – even though it shouldn’t be. By then the damage had already been done, the innocence I’d lost was already gone and I still haven’t told him that this happened.
I think I felt my stomach nose dive out of my when I read this. That ‘what if…’ is one of the most horrifying thoughts a parent can have. I’m glad you spoke with your daughter about private parts before and that it stuck with her. I absolutely would have removed them from the daycare. I think that would be the right thing to do. Even if that particular teacher doesn’t return, I would still feel uneasy that they are so lax about the rules in the first place.
Now I need to go have a talk with my son (3) and give him a hug.
It’s horrifying to think that a child was nearly molested, but it’s somehow worse that she was nearly molested by *another child*. Hopefully that boy will get the professional help that he so sorely needs so that he does not endanger another child ever again. Ugh. As soon as my little boy is old enough to understand (he’s 15mo) I will talk to him about the importance of keeping private parts private!
This is so awful! We have talked to our children about these things before but not enough and not recently. This is a good reminder that these things can happen and that they can be at the hands of another seemingly innocent child. Very scary!
Jennifer…thank you so much for sharing this important story. I have chills and you my friend, are an amazing mother.
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One of the things that made it even worse for me was that this happened while we were at BlogHer. I know logically that me being home would not have stopped it, but just something about not being there made me ache even worse.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Oh dear god, this scares the living shit out of me. I am so thankful your daughter and the other girls were not hurt by that boy, and I am so happy that you guys have been able to teach her to protect her body. Our daughter is 14 months, so I hope I can teach her these very important lessons as well as you have taught yours.
I think I, too, would have definitely switched daycare providers. I hope things are better for you all from here on out!
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Wow. Such a horrible scenario….but a needed conversation. SO glad you are sharing this here where so many will read it in addition to your readers Jennifer. I’ve had this conversation with my daughter, but I think I will be revisiting it one more time. SO glad it was an ALMOST. You are a rockstar Mom. You did everything right and your daughter obviously trusts and knows that she can tell you anything. I only hope mine feels the same way.
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..The Odds Were Against Us {Million Moms Challenge}
This is what I was so upset about a while back when you were encouraging me. Thanks so much for being there when I wasn’t ready to share the details.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Wow. I cannot believe this. Thank you for sharing. And bravo to you for speaking to your children about these hard issues.
Oh, friend, I am so sorry. And so relieved that it turned out the way it did. You are an incredible mom. They are lucky to have you!! xoxoxo
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Thank goodness for so many things. For you talking with your daughter. For her being able to stand up for herself. For her knowing she could say no. For the perpetrator accepting her “no”. Thank goodness.
I just want to add that it doesn’t always work out this way. And sometimes even when all the “right” things are done, kids still get hurt. And it is never never never the child’s fault and it isn’t the parent’s fault either. All fault for an action lies with the person committing the action, not who it is committed upon. Yes, this is a great lesson for us all to go home and hug our babies and make sure they have the tools in their tool boxes to protect themselves as best they can. But just in case something happens, even after much prevention…Remember, it is not your fault. There is help. There is a future.
I’m going Anon this time. I’m glad you told your daughter. Sadly, even though I told my son about not letting people touch him. My Ex husband did touch him. When he came home from an over night visit last easter he told my current husband “Daddy, I want you to send Chris to jail. He put his Pepe in my butt and he’s not supposed to do that.” My little boy, at 3 years old was molested by his father. He now has anal warts and goes to therapy every week. We warned the poor little guy, we did everything we could, but the adult he was supposed to be able trust, one I NEVER expected would hurt him, betrayed us both. And someone I left because of a totally different reason did something that makes me sick. The anger I should feel towards him is partially directed at myself for not seeing what he was capable of. The police won’t prosecute because my son is too young to be a good witness and my ex didn’t leave enough physical evidence. So he’s free. These crimes are horrid and sick and wrong and the ONLY protection our poor kids have is our education BEFORE hand. And even that isn’t proof against it.
God Bless your little girl. I hope she stays safe.
I’m sorry. I’m just so, so, so sorry. I hate this for you and your son. Just no. This isn’t supposed to happen.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Anon – I am so, so, so, so very sad and sorry for what has happened to your son. My heart goes out to you both. I will keep you both, as well as Baby Girl and her family, in my prayers. My tears won’t stop.I’m so sorry for all the kids that suffer such evil, heinous crimes. This should NEVER happen!
What an awful situation, brought a tear to my eye. Hope the situation is resolved soon.
Twitter @mummyplus4
I have chills reading this. Chills.
One of my younger sisters is just 8 years old and thinking about her ever being in this situation is just absolutely the most terrifying thing in the entire world. Thank you for reminding all of us that it’s important to touch on this subject.
I’m so sorry that it came to THIS to do it. I’m thinking of you and your family – your sweet little girl came FAR too close to this happening. So glad she’s so intelligent and knew what to do!
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Wow, I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. But, you handled it well and it’s wonderful that your daughter felt comfortable to tell you what happened. My son is 4 and we’ve been talking to him about his private parts and how it’s not appropriate for anyone to touch them, or ask to touch them, and to let mommy or daddy know if someone does. It’s hard because you don’t want to think about the bad things that could happen but we need to talk to our kids about it, and I always remind him that he’ll never be in trouble for coming to mommy or daddy.
Wow – you’ve got yourself one smart girl, you did a good job preparing her girl for a situation like this. I know this was horrible, and it sounds like it still is, but really Jennifer? You did well.
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Thank you. Parenting is hard. It is nice to know you get it right sometimes.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
I’m so proud of your daughter. Good for her to say no.
What struck me the most about your story was the need to keep pushing for more details in the conversation. I have to remind myself that kids often will present some information to start the conversation but get nervous about sharing all of the details (even if they did nothing wrong). Thanks for the reminder to scratch beneath the surface.
It is also really important to ask kind of open ended questions to get them to tell you what happened and to not just put words into her mouth. That’s hard. And I forgot where I learned it, but I know it is important.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
I am so proud of your girl for standing up for herself like you taught her. What a great girl and what a great mama. This is just so terrifying for anyone who has to trust others to help them care for their little ones.
Mel recently posted..Little Miss Perfect
I believe the reason it is hard/awkward to talk about this topic with our kids is that, in talking about it with our kids, we are having to tell them, “Yes, some people do this to little kids.” Just by telling them what could happen, we are taking away some of their innocence, bc they are actually visaulizing in their minds what we are saying to them. Of course, this little bit of innocence lost is nothing compared to the loss if it actually happened to them, so we MUST continue to talk to them about this topic again and again.
Jennifer. The Brave and Good. Warrior Momma. I honor you for your unselfish, respectful sharing. For your unashamed skillful parenting. And for your Biblical honesty (speaking the truth in love).
Tell them. Tell them not to forget to be vigilant about the church.
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Jennifer, What an amazing little girl you have and to know that you have already laid the foundation of such open & honest communication along with trust is just beautiful. I talk to my girls every day and tell them that they can always come to me with ANYTHING and that I will always do my best to protect them and keep them safe. I can only pray that if my girls end up in a situation that will make the right choices like your daughter. Go give her a kiss on top of her head, take a deep breath in and know that you are an incredible mommy! Take care & good luck with everything moving forward.
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Wow. I guess this is a testament to why sitting down to dinner with your kids is so important. It sounds like you’ve established an amazing relationship with her. And helped her become and incredibly strong person in the process.
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OMG I had no idea! I’m so glad that Baby Girl is such a strong girl and knew exactly what to do and that she told you about it!!! I’m so proud of her!!!
I know girl. She did a “Savanna” on him and said, “No way!” Thank GOD!!!!!!
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
This is sick and I am incredibly proud of your little one. I am disgusted at this boy.
Anthony from CharismaticKid recently posted..Brilliant Sixteen-Year-Old Severe Stutterer and His Advice to the World
Thank you §o much for sharing this, for being an amazing mom and for taking action! Having been a victim when I was not much older than that i cannot express how much this moved me. I was bawling by the end. Feel so proud of your daughter for being so smart and so brave and so proud of you for being proactive before, handling the conversation and aftermath perfectly and for using your experience to help encourage others to do the same. Thank you thank you thank you!
Holy cow Jennifer. You gals both did great.
Ash recently posted..A Tale of Two Sons.
All I keep thinking is how sorry I am this happened. How awful it is that these things happen. How lucky you and your daughter are that she was smart enough to know not to, that she had been taught well enough to know it was wrong and to tell you accordingly. There are little girls all over the world that don’t know any better or worse yet, were not given the choice at all and were forced into something they never would have wanted. I hate stories like this, because they’re a painful reminder of the world we have to raise our children in. Thank you for sharing your story, I am so happy that things didn’t go there and you should be proud of yourself and your daughter.
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My heart stopped when I read this. Thank you for sharing. i wish more parents could talk so calm and rationally to their kids about this.
Thank you so much for sharing this…you are a great Mom for leaving the lines of communication open…and for remaining calm.
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I seriously want to throw up right now..and after thinking about this even more and reading the comments I am crying…
You must truly be an awesome mother for your little girl to be able to confide in you like that, though she was obviously uncomfortable doing so…
This can happen to anyone…we all need to teach our children the dangers out there, because it can happen anywhere…a day care where the working mom has her kids, or the park where the stay at home mom has her back turned tending to another child..
So scary…
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I’m glad this had a somewhat “happy” ending for you and your daughter. I’m so impressed that she came to you and she said no to him. You’ve done a great job raising and educating her so far!
I’ve thought about talking to my 3 y.o. about private parts, but will do it today! Thank you for sharing.
Do you have any suggestions/books etc. on how to introduce it.
Carolyn recently posted..DIY: Reusable Kids Activity Book
I don’t know of any books, but I saw this recommended on Facebook by a friend of a friend:
I highly recommend Feather Berkower and her Parenting Safe Children program. It is the absolute best ever! She has a book and she travels to present. Every parent should consider attending and then hosting one of her seminars: http://www.parentingsafechildren.com.
I just let the conversation happen naturally. Like I mentioned above when I would bathe her at night I would mention that no one should ever touch her privates. As she has gotten older the conversation has gotten more in depth, but I try not to make it a “thing”. If that makes sense.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Thank you. I am passing along this blog and information to ALL of my friends.
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I’m sitting here w/ tears in my eyes at what almost was. You have taught your children well. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like for you to hear her story. Thank you for sharing it.
Heart wrenching. It was absolutely heart wrenching.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
This has always been one of my worst fears for my children, especially because I read about such things in the news almost daily. I have discussed privates with my son (almost 4), mainly because he is at the age when boys are obsessed with their equipment and he plays with it all the time. He also thinks it is funny if, while in the bath, his younger sisters (2 1/2 and 10 months) try to touch it. Of course he is too young to understand why I tell him that is not allowed, but he does know that genitals are private and to not allow anyone to touch them.
I like what you said in the comments about explaining that mommy or daddy will only touch their genitals in the bath, cause I would tell my son he shouldn’t allow anyone to touch him, yet he still can’t shower himself yet and I have to do it, so it makes sense to say that.
I’m happy nothing bad actually happened to your daughter, and I hope I can raise my kids to be open with me about such things. I had things happen to me when I was a kid and was always too afraid to tell anyone. I want my kids to feel free to tell me anything. Am going to take this privacy discussion to the next level with my son.
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Jennifer,
I am so impressed that you had the courage to let your daughter open up in her own time without demanding details and answers! You handled that so well!!
And how scary: you are blessed with a smart young lady…
Hugs to you.
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Ugh, this is awful. Just awful. And the most terrifying part is that it happens every day to so many children :(
Since the boy is only 12 I wonder if he has also been the victim of sexual molestation, learning to manipulate from someone older who has done it to him. Not that it makes it right. My wheels are just spinning and I’m trying to figure it out.
As a working mom who must take her children to daycare . . . I’m not sure I’ll sleep well tonight.
molly recently posted..Dirt & Lace
We do what we have to do. But this does give you something to discuss with your provider. You can find out what procedures they have in place to prevent something like this from happening.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
Wow! Your story shows how important it is to talk to our daughters (and sons) early and often about their bodies and what is OK and not OK. It is never too soon and always appropriate. Also a great example of how to keep the lines of communication open by allowing your baby girl to open up as she was comfortable while clearly expressing your interest and concern. Sorry you guys had to go through her almost being molested and delighted you have the strong relationship you do to keep it at almost.
I hope someone also contacted DHS or CPS or whoever can look into the 12 year old boy’s situation a little more closely. That is not normal behavior for a KID his age and there’s a 100% chance he’s been victimized himself. I was abused by a relative when I was 7 and he was about 15. Years later when I told my mother, she said, “But he was just a kid himself.” Yeah, maybe so, but to a 7 year old a 12+ year old is very grown up and his young age didn’t make what he did any less traumatic.
Mommy Needs a Xanax recently posted..I am way too tired to give a shit about this title.
So scary. Good job for you and your Baby Girl and how calmly you all handled it. I think you did the exact right thing, all the way through this. We do talk to our kids about this somewhat often. It is hard to know how far to go without scaring them unnecessarily, you know what I mean? We want them to be aware, but not freaking out every time someone says hello! Baby Girl sounds like one smart, confident cookie.
I read this post early this morning and have been pissed off ever since.I NEVER comment on posts but feel the need to here.
Are you guys serious ?? What happened here? Not much really.A poor 12 year old boy who is going thru one of the hardest times in his life and most difficult physical changes is getting screwed that’s what. Did he force her into the bathroom ? No. Was he violent ? No. Did he hit her? No. Was he inappropriate ? Absolutely yes. Does he need to have a talk with someone about sex? For sure. Did perhaps his parents drop the ball here ? Maybe. Does he need to be traumatized by what happened here and have guilt about natural feelings he is having ? What do you think we will create in this poor boy by shaming him instead of educating him ? Think hard about that for a second. This mother should be nothing but grateful that she raised a very smart, independent child who knows the difference between right and wrong and use this as a reminder to keep an open communication about sex with her children. Bravo for her on that. Can’t you think back to your own childhood and remember a similar incident ? I can and so can all my mom friends that I’ve spoken to about this today.I am the mother of 4 children between the ages of 2 and 10. 3 girls and a boy. You people need to chill out and see this for what it is. Seriously ? A police report ? Get over yourselves and stop overreacting to something called puberty.
I don’t think there is anything normal about a 12 year old boy being interested in a six year old. If this had happened between children similar in age then I would have thought it was normal curiosity, but this was not.
Also there was a lot of things that were not included in this post. I have no doubts that he singled these girls our and went after them just like a predator. A part of me feels sorry for him because he learned this behavior somewhere, but most of me is just worried about any other child he did this too.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
It is absolutely NOT natural for him to try and trick a six year old into waiting for him in the bathroom. Not at all. If you read the details, this was not about natural curiosity or anything like that.
Something called puberty? No. I was 10, my brother was 13, and I was trapped on a 6 week long cross country trip with him while I was repeatedly molested. My parents had no idea and I was always told to respect my elders, including my brother, do as they say and never talk back. Well, I’m talking back now.
Until it’s happened to you, you have absolutely no idea what it means to be the victim of your dismissive remarks. I pray you’re not the mother who thinks this will never happen in her family. I never told my parents. Instead I got the therapy I needed and learned (not until my late 20s) that it was not my fault. My brother refuses to speak of it or explain what happened to him in the first place. I have forgiven him but we never will have that true sibling connection. It died in 1987.
Not only should we tell children that it is not ok to be touched in private areas, there should also be a reminder that it is not ok for them to ask or straight tell anyone to touch them in those areas either. So maybe there is a little shame involved at first but if YOUR son decides one day that he wants to expose himself, maybe this advice will stop a statistic before it begins.
I was molested by my brother, too. He told me if I told, my parents wouldn’t believe me, and that he would kill me. I figured he would bc he had one time shot me with a BB gun and also chased me around the yard with a butcher knife (while my parents were out and he was babysitting).
When they did find out, he was whipped with a belt. Nothing happened to me. It was never spoken of again. No one thought that I might need some kind of therapy or that he even had had something happen to him to make him act this way. My mother was too busy with her own mental problems to worry about me anyway.
It really messed me up. Now I am hyper vigilant about molestation. I get a weird feeling whenever I see my husband just hug our daughters. It has also caused me to have no sex drive with my husband; and that is causing problems.
I have had therapy and meds, but I don’t think the changes molestation causes in your mind ever go away.
My brother is dead now. He was an alcoholic and drank himself to death. I don’t have to see his face anymore, but that really hasn’t helped.
Wow. This is unthinkable. Good for you for being open and honest with your kids, so that they can tell you anything.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Positive Discipline: Praise, Encouragement, & Rewards
OMG I’m shaking… First of all, congratulations for having such a brave girl!! Also, I honestly take off my hat for you for being such an excellent mom, you really are doing an amazing job having your child’s trust. I’m so glad that this was an “almost” and I’m having a long talk with my 5 year old. You really are an exemplary mom… my respect to you and my heart to your family. God bless!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I always wonder if I talk enough about this with my daughter. How did you cover the topic of people acting nice to you but don’t have good intentions? This makes me so mad at what could have happened. I think you handled this so well.
I just said, “some people act nice, but they really aren’t.” Unfortunately there are usually plenty of examples to point this out to them. Just turn on pretty much any show on the Disney channel.
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for finding a daycare provider
I am in tears thinking of how I would feel if my daughter ever came to me with something like this. I can’t imagine all of the thoughts racing through your mind. Thank you for sharing this. I will be having a talk with my girls tonight.
This is very scary and disturbing and I’m so glad you taught your daughter to talk to you. You handled the situation well. I would have done the same thing and I know I would have been shaking and sick too. I hope that boy gets the help he needs but I hope all our children stay safe.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..So How’d You Meet? Jennifer & Mark
Thanks to Lindsay for sharing this, our girls go to the same school I’m going to start talking to her now about all this. This breaks my heart so bad!
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Oh, Jennifer. I’m so glad that your baby girl had her wits about her and said no. So heartbreaking that she was even exposed to this at all. But, thank God nothing got too far out of hand.
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I read this post this morning, but had to come back when I finally had a moment to comment. You have “almost” experienced what is quite possibly every parent’s greatest fear. I am so glad Baby Girl did all the things you had taught her and came out of the situation unharmed. You give her a high five on behalf of the entire blogosphere because I think anyone who has read this is in your corner right now.
You have a smart, and brave little girl. She has no idea what a hero she is. I am shaking, this a every parents worst fear…. thank you for sharing. Really, thank you.
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Oh Jennifer – I’m shaking reading this. You have a very smart little girl..what a great mom you are. I need to talk to my kids. stat.
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What a horrible thing to have to deal with! And what a super fantastic mom you are to have such a relationship with your daughter that she is comfortable enough with you to tell you this terrible thing that happened to her. I am so proud of her and you. You handled it better than I would have. Keep us all posted on how it’s all going. Take care and lots of hugs!
Ugh, ugh, ugh. I have no idea what age I should start talking about this to Miss L. It seems weird when I’m still changing her diaper. Just wanted to note…I was most concerned that this boy was 12, but no mention of calling social services? In my experience, most children this age who act like this are victims themselves. I think you need to do more than alert the daycare, because that just ends with him being punished. I know what he did was terrible, but he needs help.
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When I filed the police report he assured me that they would be following up on it from that end.
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Jennifer, just wanted to add that I hadn’t read through all the comments before I posted. Now that I know there is more that I don’t know about the situation, I feel better (and worse!). Thank goodness your daughter was safe, and my heart goes out to all those who aren’t so fortunate.
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I bought this book: Boys, Girls and Body Sciencewhen my first was under two. It was written by a nurse in Vancouver, Canada after she’d taught small children in the local school system what can only be called sex education. When she retired, she recruited female comediennes to continue to make presentations based on her materials as she found humour and comfort with the subject matter really helped and that it wasn’t exactly something that every nurse could present the way she thought it should be done.
I also bought her other book, Speaking of Sex, which takes you through the different ages of development and what you might want to talk to your kids about (and how they might receive it) at any given age. It was amazing!
My extended family is a bit shocked at the openness of the book, but it has really paid off. Two weeks ago my 8 year old was in a classroom with three grade 7 boys who are supposed to be her lunch monitors. She recounted the story at dinner quite innocently, and the story was for the most part innocent on all parties accounts, if inappropriate.
She started by bragging about how she could beat each of the three boys at arm wrestling. Now, my little girl is not a tomboy, she’s quite a girly girl, so this was surprising to hear that she was wrestling. I asked if she was doing it when they were eating lunch, because no kid gets through their lunch in the 10 minutes they are given to eat, which drives me crazy. She replied no, she’d finished her lunch.
Then it came out that it was after all the other kids had gone outside, and my stomach dropped. I’m one of those people that remembers *everything* and I remember grade 6 and 7 boys. So obviously it scared me.
Anyway, after a sleepless night and some back-and-forth emails to a friend who is also a youth worker and a survivor of abuse at about that age, I resolved to revisit private areas with my daughter.
I asked her the next day (we kept her home with a cold) what her private areas. Here, here and … the Body Science book says sometimes my mouth is private too, she said.
We talked further about not staying in the classroom without a buddy (this makes me angry) and to not linger.
For semi-related reasons, I pulled both girls (I have another who is 7) from the school and am homeschooling them for the time being. My daughter reported that she was pretty relieved to be leaving because one of these boys asked for a hug and she said no, and he told her he was going to chase her until he got one, on the playground.
Scary thing is? This was AFTER I spoke with her teacher and was reassured the older children would be taught their duties better, and given clear boundary guidelines.
I’m not sorry we left the school, but I do worry about the kids we left behind.
(Sorry this comment is so long and I can promise you that I make nothing from the link. I hope you don’t mind. I’m also glad your little girl knew what to do. Knowledge is POWER.)
I am sick to my stomach for you. THANK YOU for talking to you daughter and THANK YOU for sharing. I’m going to go right now and talk to my kids.
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Wow. That’s all I can say, is wow. I’m soooooo glad that it was an almost instead of a statistic. I’m proud of her too and I’m very proud of you for preparing your kids. You’re a great mom. Good for you for taking them out of the daycare, I know it wasn’t an easy decision.
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Whoa! Every mother’s nightmare. I am so happy that it didn’t go any further and that your relationship was such with your daughter that she could confide in you. It’s a good reminder though of of how easy it can happen and no matter how you try to protect your children you can’t control every part of that equation like that teacher who brought her son to work.
I feel for that mom too though, I imagine it has to be pretty awful to be on that end of it too and worrying about whether you raised a future child molester.
And to the woman who says it’s just puberty… are you kidding me? My uncle (who was a teenager at the time) molested me and when I finally told my mom, she did nothing because she put it down to hormones. Well 30 years later, you know what… that still bothers me that she didn’t react more strongly than that.
If that was the case then every 12 year old boy would be doing the same thing. Sure he needs help. Let him get it now Doesn’t mean charges will be laid but it does mean that his mother is now aware and can perhaps can help get him educated about inappropriate behaviour.
Hi, I was wondering how early you had talks with your daughter about sexual abuse and what kinds of things you discussed. You are a success story, so I would love to hear some thoughts on how to prepare kids. Maybe a future post?
I started with her at a really early age talking about private places and how people aren’t supposed to touch you there, and then I progressed from there as she got older. I had not thought about a follow up post, but that sounds like a good idea.
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You are an AMAZING mother and you have an AMAZING daughter.
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I was “almost” raped when I was 8. I can tell you that you need to talk with your husband, pray to God, and ponder the implications of it all and consider getting her counseling if you feel so inclined. My parents “watched” me for 2-3 years after the “almost rape”, and never saw ANYTHING that gave them the idea that I had been emotionally or mentally affected by the incident. Yet they were not there at night, in my room when, for 10 years afterward, I still had to fall asleep on my back, with the covers up to my chin, and eyes scouring the room “just in case” any one came in (like “he” did). I ended up being SO affected by the “almost” rape, that by the time I was 28 and had a 2 year old of my own, I finally figured out and accepted that I needed counseling. And guess what? My emotional self got “stunted” at 8 yrs old. I’m not saying your daughter is. But you can’t say she’s not. Only God will know, hence the praying and pondering. To this date I cannot handle it when men look at me as if I’m good looking or sexy. So, to “fix” that problem, I gained a whole LOT of weight. Now no one looks at me, and that’s my comfort zone. Sad. But true. “Almost” DOES change a life forever. I wish it hadn’t changed mine. But it did. We have talked with our kids, boys and girls, and they know what they need to know. But still, there is no such thing as 100% “safe” in this world. Oh, and by the way, it was a Police Officer that “almost” rape me.
Ok, I’m taking some seriously deep breaths after reading this one. Oh my word.
What a wonderful mother, and a fabulous daughter. I’m so glad things didn’t turn out another way.
My little brother was molested by a neighbourhood kid at age of 5 and it’s been an incredibly tough thing to cope with, for all of us, for years. He’s 14 today, and it’s had a profound effect on his life.
Wow- this is what could be every Mom’s (and Dad’s) worst nightmare (after death or a serious injury of course) for their child!! I am SOOOO incredibly glad this topic is being talked about. The more we talk about molestation/child abuse, the less shame there is attached to it, the more victims will speak up. Well done, Mama!!!!