Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Things I experienced last night that would have been a blast in 1995 but totally suck now…
1. Being the absolute only person in the world a particular boy wants to be with.
2. Being whispered to in a language I can’t understand in the least.
3. Deciding to sleep in a bed other than my own because it just feels so good.
4. Falling asleep with grubby hands stroking my face and a tongue licking me.
5. Waking up at midnight and finding two members of the opposite sex beside me.
6. Having absolutely no memory of how the other member ended up in there.
7. Being groped at 3:00 AM by mysterious fingers.
8. Being awoken at 5:30 AM by a boy straddling me and taking off his shirt.
9. Being sore in places I had no idea existed.
10. Knowing the whole thing will be repeated again tonight.
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
Seriously hysterical here. Oh the good ole’ days when you could get up in the morning and just go home… alone.
I remember those days…… coming up with an excuse to go home so you could sleep alone in your bed….. . damn.. .I need to rent myself an apartment.
Messy Mom recently posted..The Laundry Situation- Part 2
1st of all? I was born in ’85. Weird, right?
Also? I clearly am not taking nearly enough advantage of my 20s, because *none* of things happened to me last night! Well, except for #3. Assuming you count a couch as a bed. And feeling good as immense laziness.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..4 Reasons I’m A Rockin’ Jewel Thief
I didn’t say they DID happen to me, I said they would have been a blast. I met my husband too damn early in life.
And, shit, you are young. But, wise.
Jill, no need to be shy – I think we all know you had your wild orgy days. Though I’m hoping the grubby hands are only a recent addition.
I am young, right? I’m like a fetus. But one who writes.
(Is it just me, or does that sound like a blog in the making? Oh, wait, never mind, I’m sure somebody’s already doing that.)
And I absolutely LOVE that now the ad below the intimidating thigh is a diet one. It just seems to all come together.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..4 Reasons I’m A Rockin’ Jewel Thief
Ha; nice! Sounds about like my life. I know “I never ever want to be apart from you EVER” coming from a member of the opposite sex had a totally different connotation in 1995.
Kimberly Hosey (Arizona Writer) recently posted..Black Widows- Part II
LOL, yes, exactly.
This is brilliant! What’s even more brilliant is that you have the good sense to turn this into humor instead of tears (or perhaps both).
- K (www.totthoughts.com)
frickin hysterical. thanks. i needed that.
Oh to be young an single again. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but I would love to experience my youth again!!
Thank you for the laughs!!
Hilarious!
Carol recently posted..Potty Training Update 1
Lol!
So funny! I love the different perspective you put on these things. Makes me think of how horrified I would have been at myself in 1995 if I had fallen asleep in my recliner at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday night, drooling on myself from exhaustion, rather than just getting started for the night at 10 p.m. My, how time (and kids!) change things.
-Carri (www.wordynerdythirty.blogspot.com)
Oh please someone help me off the floor!!!!! I guess this is better… an earlier post made me laugh so hard I sprayed all over my laptop!!!
Debbie D recently posted..What a Week! Ice- Snow- Well froze up- and A Coffee-Mate Party AND a Giveaway
I mean I sprayed COFFEE all over my laptop!
Debbie D recently posted..What a Week! Ice- Snow- Well froze up- and A Coffee-Mate Party AND a Giveaway
Hilarious.
Maria @BOREDmommy recently posted..I Have Something To Confess…
So true. Lets not forget the mystery bruises and bite marks!
YES! How could I forget that?!
Love it!!!!
Nicki recently posted..Forgotten
Very, very clever and sadly true!
mom-mom-mom recently posted..So- a Skunk- a Turd and a Pile of Vomit Walk into a Bar…
Fracking funny! I love it. Oh, back in the day those things would have been great!
Now, those things happen to me but it comes from short snot faced people that call me mom.
myevil3yearold recently posted..Neighbors- Spiders- Hot Water Heaters & Nudity- Part II
Love it! Although back in 1995 copious amounts of alcohol would have been involved. Oh wait, perhaps the new boys in your bed are the RESULT of copious amounts of alcohol…
I know if my little man had been a girl I could have named him Chardonnay. I love him to pieces, but I’m glad I had my fine times in 1995.
Vinobaby recently posted..Frozen at Age 36
Hilarious… : )
Life with Kaishon recently posted..‘What is a home without children Quiet’ Henny Youngman
HA! Thanks for the laugh :D
Motherhood..spins a whole nother meaning to: ‘party-till-you-puke’, sore nipples, and play dates..
way to look on the bright side ;-)
great way of turning what was probably not the best night’s sleep into something comical. Let’s hope you have a better night tonight!
For what it’s worth, I bribed my son to stay in his room. He’s almost four and LOVING the idea of learning how to tell time…so armed with a few stickers and the promise of Time Placemat, I got to sleep through the night without interruption all week!! Not sure if it’s any help to you, but thought i’d share, just in case.
Naomi recently posted..Happy 2011
That is awesome!! I’ve been married so long I had forgotten about some of those things happening. There were definitely extra members of the opposite sex in my bed this morning who didn’t start out there!
Wow, you just put a whole new spin on my life. I forgot how much I used to value sticky fingers groping me in the night. sigh.
Wiping my tears now. That was hilarious! Thanks!!
Tanya recently posted..Snow in Toronto
Hahaha! TOO FUNNY, Jill. Yes, your nights sound eerily like mine do!
So funny. If I had to pick a best year, 1995 would be way up there!
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Any Clotheshorse Can Learn to Sing
BAHAHAHA! And don’t forget about the random body parts being poked into places where you never expected them to go.
MommyTime recently posted..Signs of Love
The story of my life…
Hilarious! It’s all about the context :)
angela recently posted..Turning Three
Tell me that this is not a normal night for you – your kids are sick, right? Sick and clingy and no one but Mommy can do? Because for the record, I think I just spent the past week in your bed and I am freaking exhausted. Fortunately, the Chalupa has recovered and I think I can move out of your bed now.
The Flying Chalupa recently posted..Snot Bubbles and Banjos
Scary Mommy,
You are bloody gold.
On the eve of Valentines day, and as the mother of two boys, that cracked me up.
Love your work.
Andrea aka FoxInFlats.com.au
Just change ‘boy’ for ‘girl’ and ‘opposite sex’ for ‘same sex’ and you have my nights..
This is a brilliant post. I had to read it three times, using up otherwise valuable time I would have had to effect world peace or make sure the 17 year cicada invasion doesn’t happen again. You are an amazing writer.
Renee Fisher recently posted..I Get Royalties and You Don’t
This is hilarious! I’m glad to know that I am not alone when it comes to things that happen when I’m asleep and unaware.
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Boob Preference
Don’t forget: when getting no sleep at all was a GOOD thing…
Sarah@afterhood recently posted..The Lives of Others- Your Children
Wow, that’s exactly what I did last night. And now I’m going out to eat with the boy (who has been known to cause scenes in restaurants) and I’m not nearly as excited as I would have been in 1995. Or, well, 1985 in my case.
Spot on. I have never been so popular with the boys as I am now:).
Julie recently posted..O no
Your first commentor got it right too! LMAO!!
Bella recently posted..It’s Roses! It’s Chocolate! It’s…A Fuel Pump
This was my night too. It’s a whole lot less exciting than it sounds.
Zoey @ Good Goog recently posted..142-365 Point and Shoot An Adventure
This sounds familiar. I’d add spooning on the floor with a boy who tells me that he loves me more than anyone. Such a magical time…
Kate Coveny Hood recently posted..Happy Valentines Day!
That was all ’96 for me. Lock your door!
Glamamom recently posted..VILLIONAIRE BY RICHIE RICH A-W 2011 COLLECTION
Ha, yeah. *Those* were the days, alright. Heh.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted..Valentines Day Gift Ill Never Forget
No boys here, so I would have been into some real life changing stuff back then.
ConnieFoggles recently posted..The Real Meaning of Valentine’s Day
oh my hell! this made me laugh so hard and took me right back to THOSE days! why has it taken me so long to find you???
oh yes! i’ll be back….
and the shit mobile? yeah. been there and now also doing that!
katie t recently posted..Advice For The SAHM
hmmm. I’m 49. that all kinda sucked for me in 1995. maybe that’s why i’m divorced.
linda recently posted..Hershey’s Cinnamon Chip Rolls
yeah…being a mother sure changes one’s perspective! Too funny!!!
Crystal recently posted..The Circus Has Come To TownAnd Im The Ring Leader
On Valentine’s Day 1995 I stood outside in a tank top & boxer shorts in the snow and sounded my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world… I had just been quietly rejected by the boy I was crushin’ on.
Valentine’s Day 2011 I had four beings fighting over who I loved best. They were mock fighting, to be sure, but still… way better than 1995.
robin recently posted..Unleashing My Inner Frat Boy on Valentine’s Day
I am SO sorry! Did my kids come over to your house last night?!
Lolli recently posted..Seeing RED in San Francisco
Sounds like my house! Thanks for the laugh!!
Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy recently posted..Modern Manners Monday – Table Manners & Restaurant Etiquette
We’re there with you. Three nights this week Carson has joined us after having bad dreams. On Thursday he was convinced that bees were attacking me and came to my rescue. Claimed honey was dripping from the ceiling. Took me two hours in two different beds to get him back to sleep. Then the baby woke up. On Sunday there were ladybugs. We slept with the lights on. Your list hits home big time. At least the walk of shame was followed by a leisurely shower and a nap in 1995. I miss those days.
Heidi Smith Luedtke recently posted..Scary Business
LOL, this is awesome! All things I experience now, but never did in my 20′s. (Married very young) Life’s funny that way.
Sadly I can totally relate. Now I just want no hands on me and a bed all to myself most nights.
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..I Set the Mommy Bar Too High
Sounds like another night on the Rock of Love bus.
Distracted Dadddy recently posted..Reality Babies
I sometimes fear the night, like Will Smith in We Are Legend. The mutants come out after hours…
I absolutely love your blog.
HILARIOUS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF