Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
My children were quite young when my first marriage dissolved. My oldest daughter was about two and my youngest had just turned one. My ex-husband and I went through a very quick dissolution. However, I was truly the “at-fault” party and not willing to fight for fear it would be long and drawn out. I gave in to an agreement where he had residential custody. That means our girls will go to school where he lives. It also means I had them one less day of the week than him. My schedule was Sunday night, Wednesday night and every other weekend. Holidays are dictated by a very strict scheduled, referred to as local rule 21, and initially we followed it with precision.
Our separation, my new life and the many, many changes as a result of shapeshifting into a single mom took quite an emotional toll on me. Matters were made worse as I was still reeling from some emotional breakdown. I lost my mother, had both girls, taught classes part time and worked full time. My marriage had dissolved and the world I knew literally melted before my eyes. I’m not sure if it was a manic episode, post-partum depression or post-traumatic stress. In fact, thousands of dollars in doctors bills still hasn’t provided a clear answer. All I know is my life and the way I felt was one hot mess.
Women I knew would frequently say to me, “Oh, I don’t know how you do it. I wouldn’t know what to do without my babies. You must be miserable.” Well, I was miserable. Honestly, it wasn’t due to a few days absence from my children. I needed those hours, those days to pick up the pieces of my disheveled life. But, all I heard over and over and over, was, “I would be lost without my babies.”
It wasn’t just one woman that would say this. It seemed every mom I knew felt it necessary to remind me I should be suffering miserably with the absence of my “babies.” This isn’t how I roll though. I love my children madly, deeply and unconditionally. But, I am not one of those moms on the first day back from maternity leave to cry uncontrollably at the doors of my workplace grieving the loss of my one-on-one time with my children. I was “that mom” who felt I might just enjoy some breakfast alone on the happy day I dropped my child at day care and returned to my first day back to work. I don’t even like breakfast. I was just ready to relish the first moment of being back to myself, enjoying silence and enjoying my thoughts, for the first time in 90 days. I wasn’t crying, my soul was celebrating the return of me.
So, the women in my life provided no solace for my new freedom. They shunned me with guilt. For years I felt this sickness, a dirty, guilty feeling that I was a bad mom because I enjoyed my days or weekends to myself. No one I knew ever said to me, “Wow, that must be nice to have the time to get things done. That must be nice to catch up on laundry, sleep in, go shopping or even pee with no one interrupting you.” It was quite the contrary, I was like a leper and I temporarily allowed this cloud of stigma to impact how I felt.
Going back a few years, I will say I felt similar feeling on maternity leave. Those 90 days at home alone were the hardest job I’ve ever worked. I had little help from my husband and it was a full time job 24 hours a day. My first daughter would scream for hours, no rocking, no feeding, no amount of love would console her. I learned little tricks along the way to help. One trick was to run the vacuum in her room. Strangely, she would be silent as that vacuum hummed along. I felt guilt doing that so I would only employ that trick when I felt the largest of meltdowns was approaching.
Both maternity leaves were no vacation. I was taking care of me as I recovered from c-sections, my husband and a new child that did not come with any instructions or handbook. Every mom I talked to said it was the most rewarding and fulfilling time of her life. No mom I knew told me it was hard. No one told me I might cry. Everyone painted it to be a magical, wonderful, experience that was full of joy. There was no mention of any level of difficulty. I thought I was doing something wrong. I felt guilt and shame for looking forward to a rare trip to the grocery store alone. I felt like the worst label in the world, I felt like a horrible, awful, terrible mom.
My girls are eight and nine now. My ex-husband is a tad more laid back and recognizes life is pretty stressful with pre-teen girls. As a result I have unlimited access to them. We have changed our schedule where I have both girls Sunday, every other weekend and then alone time. My oldest daughter is with me Monday and Tuesday and my youngest Wednesday and Thursday. Six years later I actually have more time with them than their father. I never thought that would happen.
Today, I enjoy, relish and take pride in my days and hours of non-child time. I bake, coordinate community events, go to meetings, sleep in, plan parties, shop, cook and do all the things I love to do. I have had the time to get to know myself and recognize my limits. I’ve gained confidence in who Sam really is. I know myself and now I finally love myself. And to those women that said, “I couldn’t live a minute without my babies,” I say to you, LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!
There is a social stigma, primarily in the United States, I believe where women are conditioned to think their lives must revolve around their children. If you don’t cherish every moment with your child you are a bad parent. And, if you ever express any level of stress or embrace any moment where your child is not with you, then you are a very, very bad mom. We are taught to shun other women who might enjoy their freedom. We shun women finding themselves and women that might not be like us. We don’t tell the truth about our hardships. We smile and lie that everything is like a fairy tale. We tell other women that these moments are truly the dreams we have all had since childhood. We have our house and our babies and we are living the dream. Maternity leave is easy, raising a child is a breeze and life is just a big bowl of peaches and cream.
But for all of us it isn’t that. For some of us we need honesty. We need the support of other women. We need women to share their stories, provide their tips and tell the real hard truth. It is important we allow other women to appreciate their time to allow them get to know themselves. We should offer sympathy and honesty. And, if we cannot give that we should refer our friend to a professional or just smile and nod. Sometimes we will all find that we are feeling the same feelings and we can break through the ever so high bar of the perfection of motherhood.
Now I have people tell me they have no idea how I do it. Well, I can do what I do because I have time. I have grown to understand myself and know my limits. I have days and weekends that allow me to time get things done. Honestly, most of my free time is dedicated to planning the next moment with my children, but sometimes it is just about me. I do things because I have time. And, this time that once I felt guilty for having I simply love. I think my absence from my children allows me to appreciate the time I do spend with them and it allows me to be present during that time.
Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is rewarding. But being a real friend, a real woman I think requires us to be honest about all elements of motherhood. And, when our friends tell us they have a day, a weekend, an hour to themselves we should say, “How, wonderful.” And, when our friend, expresses concerns about parenting, we should be honest and ask how we can help. Women who relay a fantasy about motherhood I believe are just, for the most part, LIARS, LIARS, PANTS ON FIRE!
{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }
In all honesty, Sam, I have to say that your schedule rocks, especially the alone time. What I wouldn’t give to be able to have alone time (I am NOT minimizing your ordeal or all the other challenges you face) while also not feeling like I’m letting the other two down when it’s not their “turn.” I admit to feeling a bit jealous of divorced/single moms sometimes but then I remember that sure they may relish the privacy, but they could also be missing their kids. Who’s to say what’s right or not and why why why do we care enough to actually voice our opinions? I do think we give moms who don’t feel the “normal” or “supposed to” way a bad rap. It’s all bullshit. You love your kids. Period. The only things left are do what feels natural, don’t apologize for the way you feel, and screw the people who see something “wrong” with it.
Arnebya recently posted..Guest Posting at Untypically Jia
Thanks Arnebya – The schedule works now and I appreciate your positive feedback.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
It is so hard for me to understand how and why women aren’t honest with each other about how hard it all is. Wonderful, amazing, yes. But also really, really hard. When I talk or write to a new mom with congratulations, I always add in something like, “I promise you WILL sleep again! I know it is so hard but it gets easier!” It is so important to be real with each other. I’m sorry no one was real with you, but your honest will surely help others.
aimee @ smilingmama recently posted..Power Priorities
Aimee – You are totally right the most important gift we can give to other mother’s is honesty.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Both times I returned to work after having my babies people would say “Are you okay? It must be really hard to be away from your babies.” I would reply “No, actually I’m extremely happy to be back to work and actually feel human again. Maternity leave was not exactly fun.” They would look at me in horror, lol! To each his or her own:) I’m one of those rare, honest people!
You are alone on maternity leave and there is that special joy with you and your baby which is amazing. But, you are alone with a new person and no instructions and that can be super scary. I totally understand you.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
This is such a great post. The mommy guilt and judgment HAS to stop somewhere. We don’t have to lose ourselves once we give birth. We can still be a woman with her own life, as well as a great mother.
dysfunctional mom recently posted..We’re Going to be Okay
DM – I totally agree with your statement. We can be both. Thanks for reading my post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Well said! I, too, was happy to go back to work where I could drink coffee in peace and go to lunch. And, for eight hours nobody threw up on me, required burping or screamed in my ear.
I loved my daughters and being with them, but was more than happy to have an 8-hour daily break.
As my like-minded mommy coworker used to say. Some of us are better mothers BECAUSE we work.
Confession: I sometimes envy my divorced friends who have every other weekend off. I’m like…must be nice. I can’t even imagine an entire weekend to myself. (Yes, I know, I know….I’m trivializing divorce, but that sure sounds like a silver lining to me).
Heather recently posted..Just Write 32 ~ Make new friends
Heather – Thanks for your comments. Divorce is hell and it is terrible on the kids. I would never do it again. But, the end result of balance is nice.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I have been called a bad mother by my own mother for enjoying my time without my daughters while they were at their father’s house. He loves them and takes care of them. I never have to worry while they are in his care so why not enjoy myself? I take my alone time to get my errands done so my time is spent with them doing things we enjoy together.
Mandi – The breaks my heart your own mother would say that. We should not judge other moms on the actions or choices (unless in the worst case it is putting a child at risk). Stay strong. Thanks for reading my post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I loved this post! And must admit that I, too, am a little jealous of single mothers who have good custody arrangements with their exes. I love my hubby and our life together, but I’d be a bigger liar than the mommie in fantasy world if I said that I never fantasized about being divorced with shared custody.
Jessica – Glad you enjoyed the post. Divorce is hell for certain. I’m a bit jealous of families that stay together and work to balance time with themselves. That is the ideal situation. I’ve beat myself up many times for putting my daughters through a painful situation that isn’t “normal.” Years later it works but it is very challenging and quite painful.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Everything has a silver lining, even a divorce and sharing custody. I hear you about getting that alone time. Every time I leave the house and my baby behind with my husband it’s like….ahhhh… I can breathe, again.
Kate@zMOMbie recently posted..Run. Blog. Give. and Tri Training Update
Kate – Thanks for reading. It is nice to have a few moments in the day – particularly when the bathroom door is closed and I can read a few of the worst fashion mistakes in my magazine. Oh, and the sheer joy of whiping my butt without my fan club (border collie included) standing there to cheer me on.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Scary Mommy, this comment is for you.
This post made me want to unsubscribe from your feed.
I will watch your next couple of guest posters and may still unsubscribe, but I have NOT been impressed with your guest authors lately – this one being my least favorite.
If your goal is to uplift, support and encourage other women this post really missed the mark.
Listening to this woman’s scathing venom toward women like me who choose to stay home full-time with my babies is disheartening.
You, Scary Mommy, are funny, inclusive and self-deprecating. This author comes across as angry, bitter and more concerned with validating her own guilty selfish conscience than she is in helping anyone.
I realize that you are very busy and probably don’t have time to consider each of your guest author’s posts, but I urge you to think about the overall mission of this blog. If it is to help, encourage and empower other moms than maybe posts need to be filtered through that light.
And, for you guest author, I am not lying. I can NOT live without my babies. I gave up a six-figure salary to stay home with them. It IS hard. I don’t get time to myself. But my children are worth the sacrifice. And it is only a season…
I didn’t get that impression at all, Heather. Some of us are much better mommies when we have time to breathe. Maybe some of your bitterness towards the guest blogger comes from the fact that you might be getting a tad resentful that you gave up a six-figure salary and you get no time to yourself.
I have absolute respect for SAHMs, because I couldn’t do it. Three months of being home and I was on anti-depressants. I *am* a much better mom when I’m working. There’s not a thing wrong with being honest, as this guest blogger was. Judge me – hate me, for all I care – but I *know* that I was a much better mother once I went back to work.
GunDiva recently posted..Bake Sale, Wedding, and RAIN!
The point of the Society is to offer other perspectives in parenting. I feel like my whole parenting experience is pretty specific and limited, and I love having a place where people with different views/experiences etc. can have a voice and open up dialogue. But, I really didn’t view the piece as angry at all, just once person’s perspective. I’m sorry you felt that way!
I think the poster is just being honest, unlike a lot of people who don’t want anyone to know how they cry because they can’t take a freaking shower or go to the bathroom alone, and after a month of crying and poop and no help at all they feel they can’t take it anymore. She is just letting other moms who feel the same that it’s ok to feel that way! You don’t have to cry alone, then pretend to the world that your life is perfect. You shouldn’t have to anyway. Some women live to be stay at home moms, and some women don’t. And NO ONE should make either feel bad for being true to themselves.
I saw nowhere in her post where she condemned SAHM’s. Like you said, It IS hard, and you don’t get time to yourself. I tried it, and failed miserably. And no one better try to condemn me for not doing it. I happily admit I was not a SAHM. If I were, they still would have gone to daycare part time so I could have me time. It doesn’t make me love or cherish my kids any less. I love my kids as much as anyone else. No one should have to feel they love their kids less because they love themselves too.
I do not agree at all, Heather! I am a current SAHM who has thoroughly enjoyed the experience. However, my husband asked for a divorce 1 week ago and I honestly found this post to be exactly what I needed right now. I needed to know that someone out there worked it out to have time with the kids, time for the job I will now have to get, and time for myself so I can be a better mom and a better employee without losing my sanity. Right now I feel like all my friends have done is point out the negatives to me (as if I’m not aware of them!) “What are you going to do on your own, how will you leave your special-needs son, are you really going to be able to take care of the house all by yourself, etc, etc.” This post helped me realize I am not alone and I can do this. So, to the hater named Heather…please realize that not everyone out there is living your life, we all have our situations to handle, and it takes the love, support, and acceptance of other mommies to be the rock-stars we all are!
To Scary Mommy – don’t you dare change a thing. Sometimes this blog is the only laugh I get in a day and I cherish it!
Heather – I am truly sorry for offending you. It was not my intention to bash or tear apart happy women or women who work inside the home. The main point of the story is when a friend is down or stressed I believe we should support them. I think women more often play upon the fantasy element of motherhood and brush under the rug the challenges. So, when our friend is stressed by her own challenges she feels helpless. It hurt me to see a few readers so upset taking this as a personal attack. At the end of the day, after our responsibilities to our children, we have responsibilities to our friends to be honest. I’m glad you are happy and I respect your decisions.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
No, I really appreciated this post, because I have been guilty of being that judgemental person that Sam described, and it is good and healthy for me to be self-reflective and humbled, because I have not walked in that other person’s shoes.
Also, I think there is stigma against women who have just ONE child, rather than children, or who choose to have no children at all…. that there’s something “wrong” with women who don’t have the “standard” 2 or 3 children. That we’re not self-sacrificing enough or something. We all have different strengths and limitations! For me, I know I’m a much better mother to ONE child than I would be to 2 or 3, because there’s a little bit of time left for me to have to myself.
Aimee recently posted..Not every one is a winner….
I have to say that no I really could not live without my babies. I’m not a liar when I say that. I have no hard feelings or judgment toward anyone that feels differently or would be happy with your arrangement, but it is not for me. I just had to leave for a week away for work and I was miserable not getting to see my two kids every day. Do I need alone time sometimes? Yeah. Is being a mom hard? Of course. But I’m way happier with my kids than without.
Jennifer recently posted..Having it all
Jennifer – I’m glad you are happier with your children. I’m sure they too are happier for it as well. Thanks for reading the post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I really appreciated this post. We all have different needs as people and as moms. Some of us NEED to be with our kids, some WANT to be with our kids, and some WANT to NEED to be with our kids but just can’t. No matter your choice, it is hard to be a mom. I didn’t get a sense of venom from this post, as others have indicated. The main message I got from this was, as women and mothers, we should be honest with one another and respect one another’s decisions to parent the best way we can.
ChaCHA online recently posted..It’s Never Just a Cloud
ChaCha- Thanks for reading the post and seeing through the true meaning. I appreciate your comments.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
ChaCha- Thanks for reading the post and understanding the message. I’m glad you understood it.
I think I agree with Heather.
Sam has some good points about mothers needing to support one another with honesty, transparency, and the acknowledgement that what works for one mom might not for another.
But, then she turns around and calls mothers who feel differently than her liars.
Seriously? I’m sure Sam would be incredibly hurt if I called her a liar for saying that she craved time away from her children, so I’m frustrated to be called a liar for saying that time away from my children is difficult for me.
Sam- I’m glad you’ve found a lifestyle that’s satisfying, and I agree with your last few paragraphs about how to be a supportive mommy-friend. But if you’d like other mothers to accept YOUR desires and limitations, perhaps you could work on respecting the DIFFERENT desires and limitations of other mothers.
ScaryMommy- I love your site, and I REALLY REALLY love the different perspectives that your guest authors provide. REALLY, I DO! I do wish this post wasn’t included though. I think many of these points could have been made in a MUCH more respectful and encouraging way.
Rachel – You are right – I would not be happy being called a liar. I was really pushing the envelope with the story. The main point is we should be honest with our friends and show compassion. Having shared an unfortunate painful time in my life I wished people were honest. My goal was to illustrate that some of the ideas that motherhood is a perfect fantasy aren’t true for most. I apologize for being offensive.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Some of my happiest times are with my kids… the other happiest times are when my kids are visiting their grandparents an hour and a half away.
I think, for me, it’s that I need time to breathe.
I’ve got a 6 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old and that means that having 5 seconds where it’s quiet or I can stop and think is probably not going to happen unless they’re all sleeping, or two of the three aren’t in the room.
So when my parents take the kids out to do something fun, or have their weekends at the lake, I bask in the silence and the chance for me to remember who *I* am; not only the mommy me, but the me who loves to read, go to dinner with friends, watch the cheesy movies on the sci fi channel, actually have a conversation with my husband that isn’t interrupted, or just be alone.
It’s not that I love the kids any less because I want time away from them, it’s that it helps me be a better mom when I have a chance to miss them a little.
I’ve never felt guilty or anything less than a great mom for feeling that way.
Kristina recently posted..Supercalifra… Where are you, Mary Poppins?
Kristina – You’ve found great balance and I applaude you for that. Thanks for taking the time to read the story.
I’m sorry to Sam, and to Heather. I’m sorry that we all feel judged by people who make decisions that are different than ours, and that we, in turn, judge them.
I have been separated for six months, and for lots of reasons, my son has not been able to spend the night with his father… until this weekend. I’ve had nights without him before, where he stayed over at grandparents’ houses, or with friends, but this does feel different. And I will be anxious (not a lot, but a little) because he’s going to a place where I do not belong. His dad and I get along just fine… but it’s not my home and it’s not even in the same town. And I’m uncomfortable with it.
So I keep reminding myself of the benefits. I WILL get to sleep as late as I want to. Eat dinner with girlfriends and we do not have to go home at 8:30 for bedtimes. Go to the beach and NOT have to bring a giant collection of toys and trucks and other stuff. Pee without company! :)
But I’ll miss him, I know I will. Just like I miss him whenever he is not in my presence. And when he comes home, I’ll snuggle him and let him tell me all the tiny details about his adventures at daddy’s house. And I’ll act like I think it’s awesome.
And it will really, really be fine.
In fact, I think y’all are both right. No, I can’t live without my children, not a chance in the world. Yes, I will allow myself to find a benefit in this forced (and short-lived) separation. And no, I will NOT judge anybody for feeling any differently about this than I do- or for feeling the same way. Because we are all in our own situations, and it’s not possible for me to know where anyone else is coming from.
I hope everybody here gets the comfort they need, from whatever decisions they make to work for their own lives, and I hope we can all remember to just try to be supportive of each other, wherever we can. Much love to all the good mamas out there.
Sarah
Sarah – Thank you, I loved your post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I had a lot of guilt, too, when I learned to relax and enjoy my “me” time. It’s okay to enjoy time away from your kids, though, like you, I received a lot of the same comments.
I feel like I’m a better person for being able to be me, to spend time on me and get to know me. Some people might call me selfish, but I enjoyed my time away from my kids. It made me appreciate my time with them even more.
GunDiva recently posted..Bake Sale, Wedding, and RAIN!
GunDiva – Thanks for understanding the message. And, kudos to you for finding what works for you.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I totally respect other women’s choices whatever they are. Why can’t we all just be happy and supportive of each other regardless or our different perspectives?
I respect that someone women are born to be mums and it gives them untold joy to spend lots of time with their kids. But I’m not an overly maternal person, it dosen’t bother me greatly to be away from my daughter for a few nights or a few weeks because I know there are other people around her like her dad and grandparents that will love and care for her in me absence. Plus I know that we have an unshakeable bond that no amount of time or distance will ever change. Which is not to say that I don’t ever miss her or get sad that she’s off doing things without me. Could I live without my baby girl – no, she is the love of my life. Do I need to spend every second with her to know how much she means to me – no. Because I’m not just a mother, I’m also a person who has needs, goals, dreams etc. And it won’t be long before my daughter is all grown up and has a life of her own. And then what, if you give your whole life to your kids, what happens to you when they aren’t kids anymore?
The way I see my situation is that my ex and I are never going to get back together, despite the fact that we get along well, so how is it helpful to anyone to feel guilty about it? I choose to feel happy about my life as a single mother. I enjoy my freedom, my time with my daughter and having a fulfilling career and being able to support myself. It’s all about balance – a little from every column – and being happy with your life and your choices. The alternative is to sit around feeling miserable about a situation I can’t change – and that’s not good for me or my daughter.
As Charlotte from SATC said ‘I choose my choice.’ And I don’t need to explain myself or pass judgement on anyone else.
Jane – Your post is beautiful and sums it up nicely. Thanks for reading.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
That thing you describe where the bad stuff is glazed over, it’s not just with kids, it seems like EVERYONE has a great marriage and they don’t have to work at it. Drives me CRAZY!
Scargosun recently posted..The Power of Pesto
Scargosun – I agree. I wish people were more honest. Thanks for reading my post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
The author’s comment of “Liars, Liars, Pants on fire” was not directed at the concept that mothers cannot live without their children, but was a rebuttal of the “fantasy of motherhood that is propagated”. When woman wax poetically about the glories of motherhood without mentioning the poop, the pus and the vomit or the agony of having only 3 hours sleep due to a colicky baby or feeling overwhlemed because they get no support from their partner – they leave others feeling like they haven’t got the secret decoder ring to life. When only the Stepford Wife way of motherhood is judged to be the acceptable way, we all are left alone in our households thinking we are the ONLY female on the planet that is having a hard time doing what is supposed to “come naturally” and is our “divine purpose” in life.
SM is a trying to be a tolerant, non-judgemental site and I beleive having guest authors, even if I don’t like what they say, exposes me to a different view of mothering that might not have occured to me otherwise. It opens my mind to consider another’s life experience.
As a divorced mom, I can tell you it took about a year before I could enjoy my alone time when the kids were at their dad’s. Don’t think we are all doing the happy dance once they are out the door.
I also enjoyed working part-time when the kids were little. It was a good balance for me personally as I had adult contact and was contibuting to the household financially – it was very important to me that I had my own money coming in and still had lots of time to tend to kids and household.
Well said, Kelley!
Kelley – Thanks for reading the article and translating it for me. You are correct.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I really enjoy being with my kids and the time I get alone after they go to bed is enough for me. I also work with kids part-time and I rarely get tired of it. I feel like it is just what I am cut out to do, just like some people are great at accounting or, I don’t know, interior design. But, I know that everyone is not the same and that doesn’t make one of us a better mother than the other.We have to stop judging and start helping each other to be the best parent we can be so we can raise some great kids.
Your last sentence nails it. Thanks for reading my post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Oh thank goodness! On the brink of starting a family I was getting so bombarded with images of the “perfect” mommy and the only thing I can think of is: “When do these women ever go to the hairdresser?!”
Thank you for a great piece on motherhood and destroying (yay!) the illusions. It’s much more important to be a woman that your children can look up to than having the approval of the masses. Someone somewhere said: “Mothers do not need to be martyr for her kids”.
Maritilize- I’m glad you found the piece to be of value. You do things your way and it will work out just fine.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I was on of those girls who KNEW she wanted to be a mom from a very young age. Even though I was so happy to have my baby, I felt the isolation of maternity leave. I felt glued to the couch breatfeeding ( or trying to) a baby who if she wasn’t eating, she was crying. This was all new and all of my friends were years from having their own. So yeah, motherhood is not always easy and that is why I agree with Scary mommy posting this. The fact is that not all woman are the same or come with a golden uterus just waiting to pop out the golden child. It isn’t for everyone. I love being a mom and spend A LOT of time with my kids but when I talk to my friend who is divorced and she tells me of her week-end plans,yes I am jealous of the time she gets to herself. For the women who are expecting their first, I try to be honest with them about the ups and downs of motherhood. I wish someone would have for me,I would have felt better about my skills as a new mom! (That was 10 years ago, Before Scarymommy!)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You made my day.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Kudos to you, Sam, for your honesty! While I would a mess if my partner and I split up and he had our son part time, I can also admit that I have never before appreciated work more than that first day back in the office after working from home his first year. Yes, I’m glad I stayed home with him as long as I did, but I am a much better mother now than I was then. More patient, more appreciative of our time together, and goddam it, I’m happier! I love to work. I love spending my lunch break at the tanning salon, or having the option to browse at the mall under the auspices of “working late”. If reincarnation is real, I’m pretty sure I’m usually a man. Booyah!
Great column! Thanks!
San Diego Farm Girl: I’m glad you liked the post. Thanks for the props.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I just wrote a post on “Breaking the Rules” – inspired by a 25-year old who committed suicide, leaving her 1-year old behind with the explanation: “I cannot live up to all those expectations”. I salute you, Samantha Rice, for you honesty. I support a nuanced picture of parenthood and gag at the “perfect mommies”. I understand how difficult it must have been to have been met with such one-sided reaction from other women. I guess I’m lucky – amongst my friends, we all root for each other whether someone gets 10 minutes alone on the can (yaaay!) or a weekend in Paris with a lover (or, alternatively, husband, hehe).
Peace, love and understanding from
Cindafuckingrella
cindafuckingrella recently posted..Breaking the Rules
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Good God, I would have given my eye teeth to have met you back in the ’80s when my kids were so small. I was you back then. I was miserable and lonely at home with a baby that, as you said, didn’t come with a manual. And people, mostly women, told me how happy I should be. ARGH! One of the happiest days of my life was when I returned to my office, my blissful, quiet, busy office. I love my kids to death, but that baby mom thing was awful for me.
DarleneMAM recently posted..Party Animals: They Arrived Late and Stayed Too Long!
DarleneMAM- I’m glad you could relate. Thanks for your comments and for reading the story.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Thank you for reading!
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I was “lucky” enough to have my son just 2 weeks after his cousin, on the cousin’s due date no less. I say lucky because my SIL pretends to be supermom. He son, was a good baby. He nursed like a champ, ate every 2 hours like clockwork. Slept hours at a time at night, grew to twice my sons size in months. All I heard from my in laws was how great everything was for them. My SIL quit her job to stay home full time. My son was a terrible eater, he slept even worse, he was sick all the time, he was a small little guy. I went back to work, I had to, I couldn’t take being home. I thought I was a terrible mommy, until I returned to work. Everyone there shared their mommy stories with me and wow that was great therapy.. To be compared to a super mom really weighted me down, being with normal people was lovely! I don’t regret a minute.
Thanks for sharing your story too. I’m glad you found happiness!
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
What an awesome post! Not only for the great content full of realness and emotions I could relate to, but for the fantastic discussion it created. The controversy is not how much we love our children, but how we spend our time loving our children. The ways I spend my time loving my children may not be the same as yours, but they are just as important and they work for me. And if they work for me, they are more likely to work for my kids. And if they work for my kids, they will more likely grow up to be responsible and content citizens who have something to offer society. Isn’t that the goal?
We all have the same goal of overall wellness for our children, we just have different ways of achieving it. Experiencing acceptance is a hell of a lot harder than passing judgement, but it feels so much better and is so much more empowering than any other emotion. Cheers to you Sam, for a great piece and for living a life that works for you.
Perspective Parenting recently posted..The Key to Raising Successful Kids: A Lesson For All
Thanks for a great post. I think acceptance is key. And, thanks for reading my story.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I love my kids and cannot imagine being away from them. there are times that one would feel like having time for themselves though.
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I find I like to have one on one time with my kids. I’ll take just one of the out and my husband will stay with the others or vice versa. It is important for them to have their own “me” time too. Thanks for reading my post.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Just like easy birth stories, no one ever wants to hear how hard it is and that not everyone is wired to be a great stay at home mom. I never felt guilty about going back to work and enjoying a coffee and some solitude while I emptied out my email inbox. I miss my kids sometimes but we all benefit from a break from each other – it actually makes us appreciate each other.
I agree – thanks for comments and reading the story.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
I really appreciate this authors honesty and sincerity, I do not feel she was trying to offend anyone but to portray her own personal feelings. Hooray for such bravery in saying what many other people feel but are too confined by society to feel free to vocalize.
Thank you so much. I really wasn’t trying to offend anyone.
Sam recently posted..It’s Time to Snuff the Rooster
Thanks for reading this story and sharing your varying opinions on the message. In reading some of the comments I was heartbroken people were offended and upset. That was not at all what I intended to accomplish. Rather, I wanted woman to realize it is ok to say we need a break and it is ok to tell other women we/they need breaks. I feel so often we try to live up to these sociatial expectations of perfect motherhood, of which some of us aren’t, and we beat ourselves about false failures. The point in the story was, love your sisters, friends, other mothers and let them know about the great times and the bad times. We need each other to be honest. The more honest we are the less pain some moms will endure.
Sam,
I think your appraisal is honest and, as a writer, you have the liberty to push the envelope with calling some moms “liars.” I think too many moms have bought into the fantasy of 24-hour delight and satisfaction from being a mom.
As a single Mom of 5 years who kids don’t have a regular schedule with their Dad, I crave alone time. While my single, divorced friends with kids miss their kids during the time they are away, they know it’s their opportunity to recharge, regroup, and renew themselves.
Thanks for helping us see another perspective!
Kimberly – Thanks for reading. It’s tough on a variety of levels when one parent doesn’t spend as much time with the other parent. I think it is challenging for the kids because equal time is critical. Thanks for sharing your feedback.
My initial thought when I read this was very negative. I am a SAHM and felt somewhat offended that someone would think I’m lying when I say I couldn’t handle being without my babies. HOWEVER, then I saw that Sam not only read, but replied to EVERY commenter and her replies are so genuine to everyone. That is not a woman that is trying to be judgmental, but more so trying to support women of all walks. I then started thinking about Mom friends I have who are living the life Sam has lived. I think this post has opened my mind and allowed me to think differently about how I respond to them. Thanks to Sam for taking the time to share her story, and, change my mind through her comments :)
Jenny – Thanks for reading the story AND all the comments. I’ll admit I had an ache in my stomach reading a few. It ached because the last thing I wanted to do was upset or separate anyone. I really just wanted to share something painful I experienced and hope that at least one person would think, “ok, it is okay to enjoy some me time.” As much as I often don’t want to share my hardships and shortcomings I’ve found when I open up to other women it gives them a forum to share. I really enjoyed reading your post.
Wow. Excellent post. I’m not even in a similar situation. I’m actually a SAHM and married. Yet I still completely get, and agree with, what you say here.
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Jennifer – Thanks for reading. And, thanks for posting.
After each of my children were born I stayed at home for the minimum 2 months. I was ready to go back much sooner, but felt guilty and told no one. I couldn’t stand being at home all day every day with no schedule and nowhere I had to be. My house was a mess because why do it today when tomorrow will be exactly like today, I can always do it then. I was losing my mind. I applaud women who can stay at home all the time with their children. I am not one of them. I need time away from them to have more patience with them, to be able to step back and see the bigger picture, to better appreciate them. For 20 hours a week I do something that does not involve them, and as a result I am not shooting daggers at the clock willing it to speed up to bedtime. It works for us, and that’s all that matters.
Honestly, I totally agree. I have tremendous admiration for SAHMs. I can’t image working at home all day and then working at night. Although, I would really love to work part time…
Love this. When I was working from home w/ my “Irish triplets,” I would constantly fantasize about divorce so I could get every other weekend off. Now I work in a cubicle but have a few work friends to exercise with over lunch. Closest I get to sanity. I do think there is a stigma associated with working moms spending time on ourselves. Thanks for your honesty!
Good Enough recently posted..Married Mom of Four. Never Laughs, Always Mad. Likes long walks on the Beach.
Thank you for reading it. My girls are 15 months apart and now my new family consists of four kids, 8, 9, 9, 11.
Sam recently posted..Pay It Forward – You Reap the Rewards
AMEN. I am that honest friend that you speak of – I tell the soon-to-be moms the absolute truth. I tell them that it is going to be tough, that the sleep deprivation is not limited to the newborn stage, that they might cry and continue crying for a long time. I also tell them about the guilt – the incessant guilt that never stops! Of course, by this point, I have scared them to death, so I always follow it with the tender moments that I do remember perfectly, that I have stored up to get me through the rough times. And to all those people who told me “It gets easier” – I say they are LIARS too! My twins are now 3 years old and while I do get a bit more sleep these days, I don’t think anything is easier!
I think it is better when we are honest. But I do often say, do what works for you. We should be there to support each other and provide support when it might differ from our choices.
Sam recently posted..Pay It Forward – You Reap the Rewards
Hello!
I´ve been following your blog for some time but this post catched my eye with particular interrest.
I´m a portuguese midwife and a mother of 2 girls and I totally agree with the fact of life after birth is kept in a conspiracy of secrecy that no one is talking about.
I know that is hard admiting that we, suddenly, can not control our life as we know it. The hard part is not enduring the disconforts of pregnancy or labour pains. No, the hard part is realising that, in the blink of an eye therse is this tiny person that depends on you for everything and it´s ok to feel overwhelmed by it. It´s ok to feel insecure, sad, scared, tired and willing to run away. It means that you can realise the responsabilitty of the situation. In an odd way, it´s a good thing. I always suspect of those people that are always beaming and glowing, those for whom the worl is peachy perfect.
I admire your story and believe me that all of those comments are international not US exclusive. I hear them everyday at work and outside. Insensibility and plain stupidity is international.
Best wishes
Thanks for reading my blog. I’m astonished someone is reading other than my husband, family forced to read it and my-coworkers. It is refreshing to know something I’ve mentioned has resonated. I really, really appreciate your feedback.
Sam recently posted..Pay It Forward – You Reap the Rewards
I am so thankful for what you wrote. I have been divorced for two years now and I have three children 11, 7 and 4. They are with me all the time and their dad will only come pick them up once or twice a month. He’s away from them so much till he has no idea what to do with them and won’t even keep them overnight. At times I feel bad when leave the house to go get a cup of coffee just so I can have some time to myself. One time I stayed gone for 2 hours and made myself go back. I sat in the car drinking my coffee but I parked down the street so they couldn’t see me if they opened the door. I do love them but I need a break more than once or twice a month.
I think you are right. Not every Mother is cut out to be the primary caregiver of their child. As long as the children are well taken care of and loved then why does it matter who gets them one more day a week. It doesnt at all. To each his own, we could all use a little free time for our sanity.