Remember the good old days? The days when you could actually lose touch with the people you wanted to lose touch with? Sadly, those days are gone.
Once upon a time, you could leave a job and rest assured that if you never wanted to hear from those cubical mates again, you wouldn’t have to. Old neighbors would receive holiday cards for a few years until the communication fizzled out and expired friendships were allowed to simply fade away. It was a natural part of the cycle of life. Relationships come and go and that’s how it always was and is supposed to be.
Until Facebook. Thanks a lot, Mark Zuckerberg.
A few months ago, I heard from an old acquaintance. She was the type of person who you know for a brief period of time and never hear from again. Except that she found me on Facebook and lived not too far away. Would I like to meet for lunch? I could barely remember who she was, but I accepted. What did I have to lose?
Turns out, a few precious hours of my life. Within minutes, I remembered exactly who she was and exactly why the relationship should have died a quick, painful death. Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to agree. Before the meal was over, I was somehow roped into a double date for the next weekend and invited to her kid’s birthday party. I’m really not even sure how that happened.
I rushed home and called Jeff. Normally, when I meet potential friends and we take that big step of a double date, I give him a speech about us needing more couple friends and to be on his very best behavior. No crude jokes. No inappropriate stories. No third glass of wine. This time, I did the opposite. We need to get out of this friendship now, I told him. You have my permission to be offensive. Be obnoxious. Do all of those things I would normally kick you under the table for. Be your worst self ever.
And, he was. He told jokes that only belong at bachelor parties. He was loud and brash and didn’t think twice about inserting his unwanted opinion. He was horrible. It was perfect. We never heard from her again and the pending Facebook request was cancelled.
And that, my friends, is how you end an unnecessarily resurrected relationship.
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{ 139 comments }
That. Is. Hilarious.
I am definitely going to have to keep this in mind!! If only there were some way to do this with in-laws as well….
Can I add exs too!
LOL such a good idea!
Ooh, I so want to do this! Maybe it’s time to invite my most annoying Facebook friend to a couples brunch? Mwahahaha…
BalancingMama (Julie) recently posted..Part 1- DESERT
I LOVE this!!! I used to mentally add people to a list in my head that some day I would never have to see them again -and yes, now those days are gone (although I wonder if people feel the same way about me.)
And now that you’ve posted about it, you’re *definitely* off the hook. Good work, Jill. Good work. ;)
Sara @The Football Wife recently posted..A Note From the Dog IV dogcollarcharms
The nail in the coffin. We’re DONE.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what one calls a well-earned victory. (And really, whose husband doesn’t want the chance to air his untamed, fratboy alter ego once in a while?) Awesome. Sauce.
Chelsie recently posted..As God is my witness- I shall never again speak of what transpired tonight
I think it was his favorite night out ever.
He’s a keeper for sure!
PattiH recently posted..Technical Difficulties or not
had to read…you got my attention! this is sooooo frickin funny!and true..I have many I’d like to can
Hot.
Hope Jeff got some that night.
;)
You expect me to sleep with that asshole? Pfft.
ahahahhhahaha Best response, ever.
Hahahaha that is awesome!
h8myMIL recently posted..My kids love everyone but me at least thats what grandma thinks
Maybe Jeff could give classes. I feel like my husband would freeze under pressure. Naturally he is totally obnoxious, but on command I feel like he would get stage fright. Kind of like that pee thing guys have.
Hmmmmm… we might have to do that. He really was inspired.
Omg! Is this true? See that I am not the only one who gives the “talk” before parties. You are brave; I would go the avoidance route.
Autherine@BoysRising recently posted..A Random Act of Unkindness Inspires 14 Words of Wisdom For My Boys
Avoidance just wasn’t going to cut it, I needed to call in the big guns on this one.
For some strange reason I thought you were going to say that she still wanted to be friends with you after that. haha You husband rocks.
Dawn B recently posted..no wee-wees or pee-pees here
Excellent! My husband and I have all sorts of great codes for when we want to get out of something. Luckily he gets a lot of work “emergencies.”
StephanieinSuburbia recently posted..It Amounted to a Hill of Beans
My husband and I have codes too. Neither of us like his best friend’s wife, so when she joins the three of us occasionally we choose a new “escape” word. The last one was “fruit cake.” Half-way through dinner, my husband began talking about that really great “fruit cake” he had for lunch.
I love your “go ahead and be the worst ‘you’ that you can possibly be, honey.”
And the fact that it worked is brilliant!
Nice. I can imagine he enjoyed this. I know I would.
Hopefully during that awkward meeting, you never mentioned your blog that she might be reading right now…
Distracted Daddy recently posted..Toddler or Star of Glee
Unfortunately, I think I did. Hopefully she was turned off enough never to visit.
Eh, let her read it. That just means more insurance that she won’t be contacting you again. Unless she makes it her life’s mission to make you like her. In that case, good luck!
ummm is Jeff for hire?
would LOVE to borrow him.
promise to feed him too.
I was seriously in wincing for you reading about the encounter but BRAVO for finding a way to end it. Beautifully executed! I just always use my kids as an excuse for why I can’t continue being involved with something.
Kid Id recently posted..Kindergarten Orientation
That is TOO funny! Genius!
Lisa recently posted..Busiest weekend ever!
LOVE this!! Have to remember that trick, my Jeff would be perfect at something like this :)
Stephanie recently posted..The Great Vaseline Incident of 2011
Your husband = Your secret weapon
Anthony from CharismaticKid recently posted..Teach Your ADHD Kid To Control Himself With This One Simple Trick!
Thank you for this tip : )
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Photographer Interview- Kim Klassen
I almost feel like you are throwing down the gauntlet. I can lose that friend in 2 hours? Well I can lose that friend in 49 minutes?
Key strategies include (but not limited to):
- Uncomfortable Oversharing “Henry insists we have sex regularly although the co-sleeping makes me a little uncomfortable.”
- Medical Talk “It ooozes AND itches but I think it’s OK. Can you take a look at it?”
- Potty Talk “I didn’t poop for 2 weeks and was really worried but amazingly didn’t get hemorrhoids so it all worked out OK!”
And the clincher…
- ASK FOR MONEY
Alexis recently posted..Baby Swings Work and I Can Prove It
LOL.You might win. I don’t think he uttered the word “oozing.”
HA! Perfect!
Now, if I could just get Hubby to act like an angel or an ass on cue I’d be golden.
Gigi recently posted..I should probably write a post so you wont think Ive fallen off the face of the earthsigh
I can get mine to act like an ass on cue. The angle part were still working on.
Haha. So brilliant. Alas, if only I had an ‘other-half’ who was anything but devastatingly charming when required to play the disputable rogue. He and I are so overly polite (e.g. British) that it takes us at least 5 years to lose a friendship once we resolve to do so.
This was SO funny. I would’ve never thought of using my husband as a secret weapon to get rid of an unwanted relationship. Is Jeff available for hire?
Wow. You and I come from different families. My mom once told a hairdresser she was moving out of state rather than tell her she was no longer needing her cut n’ curl services. I probably would do the same thing before I’d involve my husband in the act…or I’d tell her my husband was agoraphobic. Actually I think I’d go there first.
Where can I Rent-A-Jeff?
OHmommy recently posted..About the strawberry hemangioma birthmark
IKR ? My husband would draw up like I asked him to assasinate someone if I asked him to do that… He’s one of those ‘what will people think’ types. Wait, why are we together again?….
Love Barnett recently posted..Consider These Extras to Boost Your Website Activity
Hey what? No, I didn’t recently post that !
Your post made me giggle. I wish I had the guts to do that!
Melissa E. recently posted..A Pretty Good Birthday
Awesome!
So that is what husbands are good for.
Jen recently posted..Safety First
Truly ingenious and awesome!
So funny, I can’t stop laughing. I can picture you guys at the table with your horrified friend. Perfection.
Christina Simon recently posted..Reader Question- Should I Feel Guilty About Leaving A Preschool-6th School After Preschool
OMG how did I never think of that? I love my hubby but he can be an absolute ass if I don’t make him behave sometimes! I’ll have to give this one a try! Brilliant!
That must have turned out to have been a really fun night for you both- at least one you won’t ever forget. I think I need to start acting out like that in general…..
Craftwhack recently posted..I just freaking got so talked at
Thank you for making me smile! I wish that I could be so bold.
Jenny recently posted..You Spit On It- You Buy It
Damn Gurl!! I like your style – good work.
The Magic That Is Janis recently posted..New Blog – The Magic That Is Thrift
I have a bad habit of being nice to the wrong people. More than once my hubby has referred to a ‘friend’ of mine as “CrazyHorse” or “That WhackJob” LOL. I am positive however, that if I asked him to help me in a plan like yours, he’d be the sweetest date ever…LOL
I am like the only person I know who has less than 20 friends on facebook. I send anyone else to my blog pages… ;)
Busymama recently posted..Karma Bites You Back- But Only If You Bite First
That is hilarious. I’m going to remember this if I ever get roped into this situation.
Jessica recently posted..A Weekend with the Family
I am so going to have to remember this…..except that I don’t have a significant other to use as the pisser-offer. Damn. Another reason why I should start dating.
Non-Stop Mom recently posted..Happiness is
Of this I approve. Great job *two thumbs up*
Too Funny! Very clever way to handle it.
Brava ! Brava ! Thanks for the inspiration ! I have a few I’d like to disentangle myself from, but I didn’t want to be ‘the bad guy’. YAY !
Fabulous!
Glass Princess recently posted..Deep Aqua Vintage Jewel Earrings- Estate Style – SRAJD
This has worked with my In Laws! She refused to work with us on daughter’s diet safety needs until hubby got balls and threatened we won’t visit (dang). Such a b***h, i finally said hell with it i can play her game. Only comes to visit when I’m not here score. Love the post.
So basically we leave it up to our husbands…haha. Wouldn’t it be easier to fake amnesia? At least it saves you the trouble of having to show face, coz’ you supposedly don’t remember having to show up!
RachelJoy recently posted..They Like Me- They Really Like Me
Yep, Facebook has definitely changed the landscape of friendship! I kinda wish I was a fly on the wall when you went on your double date! :)
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Why I’m terrified of going on vacation…
You are freaking brilliant! And hysterical!
oh that’s funny. way to go Jeff!
SaucyB recently posted… Make Me Laugh Monday
http://bitly.com/mwTu3L
This might even get me more mileage with Husband then actually having sex with him! He’d enjoy it immensely!
It is so hard to break up with friends now…seriously!
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..Makes My Monday – Sick Dog and Can You Guess
I need to lose one that is single. I wonder if that would still work?
myevil3yearold recently posted..Where the hell have you been
OMG that is freakin hilarious!!! I would have love to been a fly on the wall in that place..or at least the waitress!
Skinny Mom’s Kitchen recently posted..5 Ways to Sabotage Weight Loss
I bow before thy greatness.
Omg, so perfect! Multifunctional solutions are the best. Smart thinking mama! :)
The funny part of this post is that in my marriage, we’re the opposite. My husband is the “proper” one, and I’m the one that when I can see things are going to drag on forever I end it. It’s our good cop, bad cop routine. I don’t mind being the bad cop.
Amanda recently posted..Special Needs Blog Hop – The Funny
Ross would love to do that for one night. I bet Jeff had fun huh? And hey – then you followed up with a hefty bit of we are not friends on the internet. Bravo my dear, she is gone.
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..Covered by Bubbles and Channeling “The Jerk”
I love that you were using your husband to get you out of the friendship – genius idea. Facebook does sometimes bring weirdos out of the woodwork!
Elena recently posted..Mommy Knows Best
WTG Jeff. I always give David the be on your best manner speech as well. I’ve never considered that it could work in the opposite direction for me.
You have much knowledge, oh wise one.
Eve recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- My Baby One Year Ago Today
I recently had someone to request to be my friend on FaceBook. I just denied them.
I heard the correct etiquette is to accept (which they see) and then delete (which they don’t see). You are welcome.
angelica recently posted..a safety net
I accept and then hide them in my newsfeed
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..EdenFantasys Review and 25 Gift Card Giveaway!
LOVE this! I had a similar experience with a “new” friend who I met at the health club. We met for a GNO (Girl’s night out). I had never seen her “dressed” for a night out before and when I tell you? She looked like a Hootchie Mama to put it mildly! No, she looked like a full-on Whore. She told me she thought dressing “sexy” might get us “sponsors”. I asked if we were walking for Komen. She said “No, Silly! We can get men to buy us drinks!” The evening lasted for about 45 minutes and I had to get the hell out of there. We haven’t spoken since. However, I DO think of her… whenever I watch porn.
Lori Stefanac (Lola) recently posted..My New Digs
LMAO
Bipolar Vixen recently posted..No Names- No Pics…Why
you should be like a facebook consultant or something….
angelica recently posted..a safety net
Perfection. I think I love, Jeff. :)
Brilliant. I should probably employ this method for everything I want to get out of as a family. Thanks Jill for the great idea!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..VlogTalk- The most annoying toy EVER
That’s AWESOME! My husband would have loved every second of the chance to do that at some dinner I’d dragged him to. Hilarious.
Cindy S recently posted..“The Last of the Firsts”
LOVE THIS!! I was thinking the same thing the other day, how it used to be so nice that certain friendships would just fizzle and then you could just forget about one another. Not anymore!
Mine is not obnoxious, he just tells stories that have no point and are only funny to him… There is no cure for that!
Well, my husband is a crazy redneck with a lifted truck, and I am the bitchy lady with the piercings so only people we actually like talk to us haha. Score for me that I have no problem telling people they suck.
LMFAO Nicely done!! I received one of those requests for someone my husband worked with a few years ago whom I never cared for. The man is a sexist pig with a wandering eye, even in front of his wife. The term “douchebag” is too kind to use. I let the request sit for 2 days, then clicked to say I didn’t know him.
As for the people who have been stationed here that we knew in other states, we are very careful about who knows our address and numbers. Some people are just better left in the past.
Bipolar Vixen recently posted..No Names- No Pics…Why
LOL Love it!! Definitely the laugh I needed this morning!
I love this – and will refer to this important guide the next time I’m working on a “Facebook purge.”
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Monday Morning Misadventure- Night Chaos
Does this chick know you have this blog? ‘Cause this post surely would be the nail in the coffin. Props to you for actually going on a double date. Dying to know why you didn’t like her in the first place :)
Dani recently posted..Top 10 Reasons It Was a Bad Idea for Cory to Allow Me to Plan a 1st Birthday Party In Our Backyard
That’s hilarious. I’ll have to remember this as I think Chris would be really good at scary unwanted friends away (I’m too much of a wimp).
Kate Coveny Hood recently posted..Monday Links on Tuesday
This is smart. It would have saved me the facebook guilt I blogged about a couple of days ago.
Mom on a Line recently posted..Special Ed
LOL that is perfect. Another way is to tell them why you don’t want to be friends with them. I did that with the little sister of an ass hole I dated who then cheated on my with my new boyfriend. Uh, why would I want to be her friend again. Duh.
Another downside of facebook! I’m such a wimp, I’d have suffered through and been miserable at the next even and then I would have started making up excuses… Love the way you handled it!
Ally recently posted..Public Lady Business
Freakin’ GENIUS!!!
Oh how funny! I find that unwanted Facebook friendships are best left ignored. Just never respond to them and maybe they’ll think you have an unattended and forgotten FB account. And if you ever happen to run into them and they ask why you never responded? “oh, I NEVER check my FB account. I’m just too busy to keep up with it.” :-)
Christi recently posted..Hole Punched
Brilliant!
Kim recently posted..Yes- I Said That- Too
That’s really funny!! I thought I was the only one that had to keep my honey in check like that. Love this
Wow, I love your moxy!
My husband can easily offend, problem is, he’s so charming and friendly that he makes friends without even trying!
Jennifer recently posted..Crazy Dream
Awesome. Finally, a task I can give the husband that will be followed through on 100% with no complaints!
Twinisms recently posted..Hygiene Issues
Oh man, that is great!
I give my husband the same speech, except I think I’m the one who usually turns people off…
Or the behavior of our children…
Friends are over rated! :)
dollimama recently posted..A Rare Gem- Sitting with Mama
Watch, you’ll find out that she is VP of Marketing for that company you hoped would sponsor the blog. ;)
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..The Best Thing My Father Ever Said To Me
Does this work with in-laws? Brilliant. So so funny! xo
tracy recently posted..How to Garden if you hate worms
You are my hero! I wish I was gutsy enough to try something like this.
Kay recently posted..Puddytat
Classic, love this! And I’m sure your hubby was loving every single disgusting moment of his obnoxious behavior :)
Lotus Blu Mama recently posted..End of the School Year- End of my Sanity!
Now why did I never think about using my husband? Seven years in the Marines has given him a mouth & jokes that would make a frat guy blush.
Katy recently posted..I Used to Like Shopping
Oh my gosh! That was awesome! I have no ill feelings ignoring people’s requests on facebook. It’s quite shocking behavior coming from me! Love how you handled this! Too funny!
Tayarra recently posted..Six Words
I LOVE YOU! You are HILARIOUS!
This is awesome. I never would have had the guts to tell my husband to do that, but I’m a big believer that there are good reasons for some friendships to die.
I just stumbled this.
liz recently posted..It&8217s All About the Sugar Shake
Oh my gawd. This is nothing less than brilliant. I will be deploying my belching, raunchy husband the next time I want to breakup with a “friend”.
OHN recently posted..ME You want to know about ME
This is exactly why I don’t do facebook – there are numerous people that I have no desire to be in contact with from way back when. Didn’t like them then why would I want to be friends with them now – if I even remembered who they were.
You were a brave woman to do a meet up and even braver to go into it with a straight face knowing full well how dh was going to behave.
Congrats on the both of you in getting out of that one.
I’m going to file this one under “BRILLIANT”! And I love that your husband went all out for you :) I wonder how I can make this work with a few clients who are on the chopping block but limit the collateral damage…..
Angie recently posted..A post from my soapbox
I. Love. It. and I totally have the husband that goes with this scenario! SCORE!
Julie recently posted..Recipe of the Week- Avocado Cream Sauce
I hold Mark Zuckerberg fully responsible for the fact that I now have somewhat regular correspondance with the girl I played with when I was four and haven’t seen since. What do we have in common? NOTHING! It’s a zombie friendship, ie totally unnatural!
Glad you found such a great way to extricate yourself from yours :)
Johanna recently posted..Busytown
haha I LOVE it. I give my hubby the same speech when we’re going on a double date. Good Couple friends are hard to find.
Corine recently posted..An Unconventional Welcome Home
This is perhaps one of your best posts, Jill. Some relationship definitely deserve to fade away. Which makes me happy that I’m still not on Facebook. And that I really want to go on a double date with you and Jeff. F-to-the-U-to-the-N.
I just ran into someone yesterday who let me know they were going to find me on Facebook. Awesome. She already saw me so she knows I’ve gained weight, what the hell else does she need, confirmation that her kids are cuter? Duh. If she invites me to lunch, I’m calling your husband.
Love it, you married quite a gem there. I was going to give you advice to burp and fart rudely at the table, but looks like your guy handled it beautifully.
Not Winning Mom of the Year recently posted..The unspoken rule
My husband would be fabulous at this type of “assignment”. He knows how to take humor to the inappropriate leap-of-a-cliff level….of course, thats just his norm….so….. ;-)
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..It’s been 32 Years
You are a genius, and married to my husband it sounds like.
Mommyfriend recently posted..Let’s Finally Talk About Sex
I’m pretty sure I’m my relationship’s Jeff, since Man is often giving me the “play nice” or “be yourself” cues.
Tea recently posted..Scary
Oh except if that was me and my husband you went out with, we would have gotten along fabulously. It sounds like our husbands have a lot in common. He can very rarely “be himself” around people we don’t know well. We have to make sure they don’t offend easily first. I remember this trick next time we want to get out of being friends with someone. :)
Kristi recently posted..For the Duran Duran Fans
Well done. Do you rent out your husband? This is why I like Twitter. No one really asks me to go to lunch.
the mama bird diaries recently posted..liar- liar- pants off on twitter- anthony weiner admits sending lewd photo
Holy Beans! You need to lend your husband out to scare folks away.
I still get random messages from guys that had a crush on me how they still miss our close relationship from high school. Ewwww! Ewwww then and Ewwww now!
Pam recently posted..Make Your Monday Rock! – Groove and Move
I absolutely loved this!
It came at a time when I was just talking to a friend how FB has changed “friendships”, and the meaning of.
Carol recently posted..Can You Spot the Real Difference
Jill–so, so, so funny. And true. Actually, twitter has introduced some odd facebook requests too. My FB account is still a personal one so I’m not crazy about accepting those requests. And yet, it’s awkward to let the requests hang out there. I don’t have an FB on my blog, nor do I ever put a link to it on Twitter. Weird.
Nina recently posted..Reading Old Journals- Boy Crazy and Weight Obsessed
Just so you know you’re not alone, I curse Mark Zuckerberg every other day. He has removed posts on my page that are critical of facebook. He stalks me! ;).
This plan of yours is so perfect, that I’m going to have to bogart it. Not like we can’t be really obnoxious around here, but we’ve never planned ahead. Next time, forethought!
Maybe I could use this trick to one of my super dooper bragger friend! You know the type of facebook friend who will post everything, her designer bags, her engagement ring, her photoshooped body in two-piece. Maybe I will invite her over and let my kids and hubby do the work. :)
mommy gem recently posted..Fun family day
Pimping out your husband. I like it. Jill may I just point out; seeing a pattern here. You need to stay away from Facebook for a bit. You were bitten a few too many times in the past few weeks.
Stasha recently posted..Old man
Never would of thought of that. Very clever!
Good post.. hadn’t really thought about it but it is sort of hard to get lost today. Just found your site and adding it as a keeper!
Hilarious! Your hubby is a saint!
amy recently posted..Shop Update
OK, I recognize that this is a funny story…BUT it seems a bit passive-aggressive, and a bit cowardly. A man would never find himself getting pulled into a friendship he didn’t want… Why couldn’t you just say “no” to the double date? It seems like a lot of time and energy spent to end a friendship you didn’t even want…
Because I suck at saying no. Plus, she was REALLY pushy.
Priceless!
Hilarious. You should write a book titled that, we all know people we wish we didn’t!
Good on Jeff for playing along! I think my husband is too much of a goody-two-shoes to do that, and then being obnoxious falls entirely on my shoulders. But then again, it does come natural.
Jill, this is hilarious! I can just see Jeff coming through in the clutch in this way. I look forward to hearing some of those successful jokes – hopefully this fall. Congratulations on your book deal! xox Clauida
You are truly brilliant. And your husband is a saint!
Oh, Jill, that is so awesome. You know, my husband’s name is Jason…we’re another J and J couple, and my husband could have taken Jeff’s place at that dinner table admirably, based on what you described. Priceless blue bachelor party jokes included. My husband would’ve told the one about how his best man hired a stripper to give Jason a lap dance, and how the stripper’s stilettos left some VERY odd bruises on the tops of his thighs that were rather evident on our honeymoon. Everyone on the cruise ship asking, “Wow, what happened to your thighs?” And he’d have to choose: tell the truth and make a pina colada come shooting out of their nose, or make something up about running into corners. A lot. Sigh. Glad your man rescued you from the horrible potential “friend,” mine would’ve done the same. Isn’t that one reason we love them, because they do the things we need done but don’t have the guys for–squishing spiders, fending off robbers, and scaring away stalker former acquaintances. ;)
I meant “guts” for…grrr…sticking keys!!!!!!
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