Get ready to laugh with the realness of comedian Louis C.K.’s parenting insights that pull no punches — from the mind-numbing boredom of school concerts to teaching our kids humility, to the difference between raising boys and girls and the cell-phone-buying struggle — it’s all here.
1. Kids are gross.
“Kids are like buckets of disease. Last week, I got a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed…into my mouth.”
2. School concerts are sheer joy and painful boredom that eventually end in utter relief.
3. There’s little to no magic.
“It’s hard having kids because it’s boring. It’s just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.”
4. Prepare your children with low expectations.
“I’m not raising children. I’m raising the grown-ups they’re going to be. I have to raise them with the tools to get through a terrible life.”
5. Here’s how to not raise an asshole.
6. Children are tyrants.
“If you’re with a group of people who are trying to go somewhere and you can’t go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fucking asshole.”
7. The only family motto you’ll need.
8. Children force you to become philosophers, and it gets really weird really quick.
“A kid never says, ‘Oh, thanks. I get it.’ They just keep coming with more questions — why, why, why — until you don’t even know who the fuck you are anymore at the end of the conversation.”
9. On the rapid decline of your relationship after having kids.
“When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid, and you go, ‘Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.’ And you look at your spouse and go, ‘Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.'”
10. What it’s like to see someone else raising a brat.
11. On spending time with other parents you don’t necessarily like.
“I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I’m like, ‘I never would have hung out with you. I didn’t choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They’re the same size. They don’t care who they make me hang out with.'”
12. Kids are all IDGAF, pay attention to meeee.
“They’re talking all the time, and they just talk whenever. They don’t give a shit what you’re doing, or if it’s a good time. I’m in a shootout with the cops and [my daughter’s] telling me all kinds of shit.”
13. The difference between raising boys and girls.
14. Don’t buy things so your child will “fit in.”
“Some parents really struggle with, ‘All the other kids have the terrible thing so my kid has to.’ No. Let your kid go and be a better example to the shitty kids. Just because the other stupid kids have phones doesn’t mean, ‘Okay, well my kid has to be stupid. Otherwise she’ll feel weird.'”