You can make a wonderful—okay, that’s an exaggeration—you can make a totally satisfactory meal in 90 seconds. Here are my best. (Many of these revolve around Trader Joe’s arugula, which is hardly the finest arugula you can get, but does have the distinction of being ready to use.)
* Put enough mayonnaise on a slice of bread that some Trader Joe’s arugula will stick to it. Add some deli roast beef and a slice of cheese. You can buy cheese that’s already sliced, it’s okay. Mustard is optional. Eat it like that or, if you want to be fat, add another slice of bread. By the way, if someone ever suggests to you that it’s really easy to make homemade mayonnaise, tell them it would also be really easy to smack them.
* Buy some rice from a Chinese restaurant on the way home from work. Open a can of salmon. Put the salmon on the rice. Add olive oil and salt…and some Trader Joe’s arugula!
* Microwave refried beans with cheese. Mix in some salsa. Eat in a tortilla heated up over a burner.
* Microwave rice with grated cheese. It is not as good as risotto, but it’s not so much worse that you, or anyone else, will care.
* Make toast. Put butter on it. Add a few slices of avocado and some salt.
* Go to the store. Buy a rotisserie chicken. Eat it with your hands and have your white wine in a mug so you don’t drop it.
* Salads complete any meal and offer a good way to make sure children are not harmed by your indifference to cooking. Here’s a great salad recipe: Dump some Trader Joe’s arugula in a bowl. Add some oil and vinegar. Eat. (Salad tongs, by the way, are bullshit. If people are ever only allowed to own one fork, I will let you know and you can go get yourself some salad tongs.)
Also, if someone tells you they find cooking relaxing, ask them if they find it as relaxing as drinking beer and watching Black Sails.