Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Taking Back What’s Ours - June 19, 2013
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
Kim Barger has mastered the art of pretending she knows what she’s doing as a parent. She has also been in the Guinness Book of World Records for balancing 147 chickens on her head. Ok, so maybe that last part isn’t true, but she would love for you to get to know her by visiting her blog, Mommy’s Always Write, or following her page on Facebook.
The minute I found out I was pregnant with my first son, I started dreaming of all the things my new baby could have: a beautiful crib, a few fun toys, adorable baby clothes. But as with many other parents, I quickly learned that one tiny baby takes up a lot of room, and there is no such thing as “a few toys.”
Four years, two children and one larger house later, I have resorted to the fact that I will never have any free space in my house again. Take the kitchen, for instance. What used to be an empty shelf is now crammed with an assortment of sippy cups, colorful plastic plates, and shaped sandwich cutters. Containers of healthy food have been shoved to the back of the pantry to make room for numerous opened boxes of crackers, random spilled animal crackers tucked behind bags of pretzels, and more varieties of goldfish than I ever knew existed. And I won’t even get into what has happened to the rest of the house.
Fortunately, I have finally figured out six things that I don’t need anymore now that I have children.
1. A bathroom door. I don’t even bother closing mine anymore because I know one of my kids will have it open faster than they can eat a pack of fruit snacks. I could lock it, but the amount of pounding on it the kids would do if they couldn’t get to me would probably knock it down anyway so I might as well be proactive.
2. A razor. I’m pretty sure that the last time I used my razor, Simon Cowell was still a judge on American Idol. I’m lucky if I even have time to shower anymore, let alone shave. I’m clinging to the hope that some celebrity will suddenly decide that a 5 o’clock shadow on a girl’s legs is sexy and start a trend.
3. Chairs. I’m not sure why I even try to sit down anymore. It never fails that the second I sit down one of my boys spills something, breaks something, hurts himself, hurts his brother or is attempting a dangerous feat at the top of the basement stairs. At meal time, the kids are usually on their second helping of food before I’ve even had a chance to sit down to take a bite of mine.
4. An alarm clock. If your kids are anything like mine, they’ll make sure you never over-sleep again (except, of course, for that one morning where you all have to be somewhere at 7am).
5. Nice clothes. Most days around the house, I can be found wearing some kind of sweatpants or shorts and a t-shirt with various stains on it – that is if I’m lucky enough to have made it out of my PJs. If we have plans to venture outside of the house, I scramble to find pair of jeans without holes in it and a clean shirt.
6. Books. A few times a year I ambitiously attempt to start a new book. I have somehow successfully finished a handful of books in the four years since Alec was born, but for the most part my stack of books to read gets about as much action as my razor.
Unfortunately most of these items don’t take up much room in the house, so even by getting rid of them I won’t really gain any more space. And on second thought, I probably shouldn’t get rid of any of these items. After all, I’m optimistic that one day I will again have time to relax in a chair and read a book while sporting my nice capris and freshly shaved legs. But I’ll settle for being able to go to the bathroom with the door closed.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes! Wise words from a wise woman. You can also get rid of the healthy food altogether. I mean, who has time to cook?
Urban Mommy recently posted..Would you rather masturbate or learn to play piano in your sleep?
#4 absolutely! I’m always so jealous of my friends who tell me they have to wake their kids up at 9am. My kids have never slept past 6:30am, even while jet-lagged. I just smile and try to remember that in 10 years they’ll be teenagers sleeping until noon and I’ll be wishing they’d wake up and have breakfast with me.
Mama Melch recently posted..As seen in Berlin…
1, Our bathroom door has been broke for years for this same reason.
2. I now have a full beard. And I’m a woman.
3. Our couch has holes in it and our dining room chairs are broke.
4.If we need an alarm clock we use our phones.
5. I haven’t bought clothes at a real store (not from Target or Goodwill) in years.
6. I am a student, but a fun book I haven’t read in over a year and now do audio books to drown out the noise.
Yep, pretty accurate list. Now that my youngest are 9, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you too.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..Five kids
Don’t get rid of them, just put them aside for a while. I downgraded from books to magazine articles. Much more my speed and kept the muscle going. Even just listening to NPR is good, too. It’ll all come back. Not that I’m speaking from experience…just optimism.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Is This A Tween Which I See Before Me?
Sounds like my life! lol
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..A THOUSAND WORDS
Me too Christine! blog posts and magazines are my books now.
Megan recently posted..Mission Possible Winner
Don’t forget about the lack of showering. I now consider any shower I take alone with the door closed a “spa day” . I also can’t remember the last time I watched non PG television.
Kelly recently posted..The Ipad Conundrum
I have the utmost respect for parents. I listen to some of my clients and think, “How the hell are they doing this?” The fortitude! It amazes me every time.
June O’Hara recently posted..Get Out Of My Way!
So true and funny! And once they outgrow sippy cups and goldfish, you just have to make room for the leftover plastic cups from restaurants and an unending assortment of “fruit” snacks and granola bars. Oh, yeah, and the fruit bowl that everybody blatantly ignores.
Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom recently posted..Happy Doodles Custom Stuffed Animals – Review and Giveaway!
My house is a disaster. The toys are out of control. We live in a one bedroom in Brooklyn, so there is literally no corner of my house that doesn’t have toys jammed in it. I used to be horrified when I went to people’s homes and they had turned common areas into playrooms. Now every are in my house is one.
Oh well.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted.."18 Again" Vaginal Cream Exists.
Other things you can get rid of:
- Fancy cooking tools. I used to feel I had some talent in the kitchen. Now I’m queen of the “never use more than one pot” school of food prep.
- Hair implements a la curlers, straighteners, etc. I used to “do my hair” every morning before work. Now my hair management routine sometimes (but not always) involves a brush.
- Lingerie. *sigh* I would like to rock a silk thong at bedtime but I can’t sleep unless I’m wearing something that I could realistically wear in front of my kids. Because undoubtedly I WILL be, when they come to get me at 6:01AM. Thus I largely sleep in what could be called “clothes.”
Alexis recently posted..How to Cry it Out: The Bedtime Edition
I had to laugh at number 3. One Thanksgiving I ended up eating alone because by the time I sat down at the table my husband and 3 kids were done eating and leaving the table! At that moment the rule was made that no one eats until mom sits down at the table.
Seriously, how is it possible for children to require so much STUFF? My kid is only 8 months old and I’m already out of space in this house.
And I really, really hope you’re onto something with #2. Let’s start a trend! The only hard part might be convincing the husbands…
Mo @ The Baby Is Fine recently posted..Loser No Longer!
What? Simon Cowell isn’t on American Idol anymore?! I can’t see the TV because one of my kids used it as a dry erase board. You don’t really need to buy so much- see…my kids were able to make a dry erase board out of a non-dry erase board. Another idea: I think it would work well to live under a tarp with nothing but underwear- my kids are happy when we’re camping (in underwear). Creeks are the best toys! Where can i buy one?!
Angie recently posted..letters from my children
YES! A 5 o’clock shadow for legs! (…six month shadow’s cool, too, right?)
Thanks-Molly
Good Enough recently posted..Tori Spelling Writes Children’s Books
I am LMAO right now because I am sitting in a kitchen that was recently renovated with brand new fabulous cabinets one I got designed especially for my sons bottles and things. This cabinet used to be neat but that went out the window a long time ago now it is just a mess of sip cups, sip cups with missing lids (like what’s that about they just disappear) and way too many of those colored snack containers. I guess one day I will tackle it but for now it is a bit of chaos.
Charlene recently posted..Hello world!
I love all these ideas but I must say, Kids toys are always a problem because even if you have a space for them it’s usually cluttered looking. I like the little side room for that. So cute!
Your writing takes me back to the day when my now high school and college aged children were little and our kitchen was filled with sippy cups, toys and infinite flavors of goldfish. Believe it or not, they will grow up and you will then have items 1-6 in abundance. Hang in there!
Grownandflown recently posted..I Photographed My Children at All the Wrong Times
Wow, this is actually my life story. I have crackers EVERYWHERE. Bathroom doors, HA! My toddler has bionic hearing that knows when I am even thinking about closing the bathroom door!
Nellie recently posted..HealthMinder Day – A Health and Fitness Pre-Conference
Such a cute and well-written post! My baby is just 12 weeks but I have the same issues…our living room is filled with her vibrating chair, swing, jungle gym, keyboard kick and play toy, and much more. Our couch is now primarily used as a baby changing station. I have to admit though, I’m kind of loving it that way!
Oh, I love this! The one about the razor had me cracking up in my kitchen! It’s all SO true! Good job. :)
Adrienne recently posted..A Letter to Me-15 years ago…
Hi Kim. Yes, i remember those days. How ever it gets better as they grow. Keep the doors though, because when they become teenagers you will need them. When you have guest over you can close them so others can’t see the mess and wonder how anyone ever got out of the room alive. Don’t forget to unscrew the light blub also, so if the switch is on the on position there still is no light.
As for toys yes, you either get rid of them or think you can save them someday for the grandkids. Don’t save them. They most likely won’t be good enough for the grandkids. However after the kids leave home do not down size the house yet, you will again be left to figure out what to do with the toys for those grandkids and you need some kind of bed for them also. Don’t forget the car seat when you have to go get them from mom and dad.
Yes, what I am saying it does start all over again, but you can always send them home this time. LOL
Thanks for sharing and the smile you gave me bring back memories. By the always keep your sense of humor or they some one may have to commit you! LOL
I would add MAKE-UP. Who has time? And who are you trying to impress anyway? If you look too good, hubs is gonna wanna get busy and that cuts into your sleeptime.
Kim at Not My Mom’s Blog recently posted..Kid-natomy: Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails? Not really.
Bathroom doors. If I try to shut mine the kids say, “ah mommy put herself in a time out”
Jessica recently posted..Island Time, or how remembering the perfect summer night gives me peace
Hahaha …. its so comforting to know I am not from another planet here! An awesome post – from one Mommy to another, absolutely LOVED it!!