Kim Barger has mastered the art of pretending she knows what she’s doing as a parent. She has also been in the Guinness Book of World Records for balancing 147 chickens on her head. Ok, so maybe that last part isn’t true, but she would love for you to get to know her by visiting her blog, Mommy’s Always Write, or following her page on Facebook.
The minute I found out I was pregnant with my first son, I started dreaming of all the things my new baby could have: a beautiful crib, a few fun toys, adorable baby clothes. But as with many other parents, I quickly learned that one tiny baby takes up a lot of room, and there is no such thing as “a few toys.”
Four years, two children and one larger house later, I have resorted to the fact that I will never have any free space in my house again. Take the kitchen, for instance. What used to be an empty shelf is now crammed with an assortment of sippy cups, colorful plastic plates, and shaped sandwich cutters. Containers of healthy food have been shoved to the back of the pantry to make room for numerous opened boxes of crackers, random spilled animal crackers tucked behind bags of pretzels, and more varieties of goldfish than I ever knew existed. And I won’t even get into what has happened to the rest of the house.
Fortunately, I have finally figured out six things that I don’t need anymore now that I have children.
1. A bathroom door. I don’t even bother closing mine anymore because I know one of my kids will have it open faster than they can eat a pack of fruit snacks. I could lock it, but the amount of pounding on it the kids would do if they couldn’t get to me would probably knock it down anyway so I might as well be proactive.
2. A razor. I’m pretty sure that the last time I used my razor, Simon Cowell was still a judge on American Idol. I’m lucky if I even have time to shower anymore, let alone shave. I’m clinging to the hope that some celebrity will suddenly decide that a 5 o’clock shadow on a girl’s legs is sexy and start a trend.
3. Chairs. I’m not sure why I even try to sit down anymore. It never fails that the second I sit down one of my boys spills something, breaks something, hurts himself, hurts his brother or is attempting a dangerous feat at the top of the basement stairs. At meal time, the kids are usually on their second helping of food before I’ve even had a chance to sit down to take a bite of mine.
4. An alarm clock. If your kids are anything like mine, they’ll make sure you never over-sleep again (except, of course, for that one morning where you all have to be somewhere at 7am).
5. Nice clothes. Most days around the house, I can be found wearing some kind of sweatpants or shorts and a t-shirt with various stains on it – that is if I’m lucky enough to have made it out of my PJs. If we have plans to venture outside of the house, I scramble to find pair of jeans without holes in it and a clean shirt.
6. Books. A few times a year I ambitiously attempt to start a new book. I have somehow successfully finished a handful of books in the four years since Alec was born, but for the most part my stack of books to read gets about as much action as my razor.
Unfortunately most of these items don’t take up much room in the house, so even by getting rid of them I won’t really gain any more space. And on second thought, I probably shouldn’t get rid of any of these items. After all, I’m optimistic that one day I will again have time to relax in a chair and read a book while sporting my nice capris and freshly shaved legs. But I’ll settle for being able to go to the bathroom with the door closed.