The thing about married sex is that, for the most part, it’s pretty reliable. And while I have no desire to ever be single again and trying to figure out the nuances of new relationship sex, I gotta admit that banking on the reliability of married sex takes it for granted and cools the heat.
I am no stranger to pulling the headache card or the old “roll over and pass out after an average ‘O’” move, but even I must make a plea for rekindling at least some spark. But before that spark gets prematurely snuffed out, it seems to me that we ought to agree to stop doing, at the very least, these seven lackadaisical things.
1. Please don’t clip your toenails and then look at me as if you spent an hour getting ready to go on a hot date. I promise to quit twisting my hair up into a messy bun and calling it a fancy updo or wearing just a T-shirt and calling that lingerie. Let’s get our shit together, man.
2. Don’t turn on the TV and hope for a lazy rendezvous. I have zero interest in listening to Family Guy in the background while we find a “comfortable” position so you can see over the back of my head. Likewise, I will not rush through a blowjob so I won’t miss the season finale of Game of Thrones.
3. Seriously, cuddle me afterward. I want a handsy, huggy, spooning lovefest to fall asleep to. I mean, I just gave you a blowjob that lasted longer than three minutes — you kind of owe me.
4. Don’t promise hot date night sex and then fall asleep on the couch. Okay, fine, I will promise not to do this too. You know, maybe we could just skip the date part, have some hot sex on the couch like when we were dating, and then raid the freezer for ice cream?
5. Can we try a Netflix and chill? That sounds more our speed. But instead of Netflix, we can look up actual porn. And instead of “chill” we can get our heart rates up. This could double as cardio.
6. Don’t mention the mortgage, the children, schedules, or remind me about taking the dog to the vet while I’m trying to show you how I taught myself how to twerk. Likewise, I won’t use our sexy time to tell you that the kitchen sink faucet is leaking again and ask you to fix it.
7. I Googled stuff — like, really kinky fun stuff. Try to have an open mind, or at least a sense of humor. You know what would be amazing? If you Google some stuff, too, instead of standing there with a grin on your face while I explain what this woman is trying to do with a grapefruit. You know what? Let’s find something less kinky. Also, let’s not eat grapefruit anymore.
I get that while we are in the trenches of parenthood that sex will always take a backseat to the crazy demands of family. But we have to at least try to make it sensual and fun, no matter how awkward or inconvenient. Sometimes boring married sex is exactly what we want and need, in the same way that we eat dry toast and sip tea when we’re fighting the flu. We just have to remember that sweat and heat and fun are pretty damn important too.
If we’re lucky we can grow old together and become those kooky octogenarians who still bang like 20-somethings.