Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Alexis writes about struggling with clinical depression while raising two boys over at Depressions and Confessions. She is funny, relatable and heartwarming all at once. Check out her blog and follow her on Twitter as alexistlesa.
I was never the type of girl that dreamed of a white wedding and being a young mother. I don’t think i dreamed of any kind of wedding, let alone which colors would be involved. and babies? ummm, no. I mostly thought about the day when i would have a job that would get me a paycheck big enough to subsidize my already burgeoning shopping addiction, and whether or not my feet would stop growing in time to prevent my having to shop at the big & tall women’s store (they did, but barely–I’m a size 11, which effectively relegates me to the seventh circle of shoe shopping hell).
But when I met The One when I was 18, I knew there was some sort of trouble brewing, the kind of trouble that leads to 2.5 kids and a picket fence. I credit women’s intuition (and his exceedingly awesome makeout skills) with giving me the courage to announce to my now husband that I KNEW we were going to get married only 3 months after we’d met. He was 21, I was 18 and apparently insane, and we never questioned it. It had happened organically, and we were married three weeks before my 19th birthday.
We didn’t have kids till almost five years later, when I was finally (sort of) ready. I did all the research–strollers, breastfeeding, sleep schedules, diaper bags, baby slings, parenting methods, the works. I felt so prepared. so imagine my surprise when my son was born and I was knocked flat on my larger-than-life-due-to-pregnancy ass. I’d had no clue.
Sure, I knew how to change diapers and rock a baby to sleep and warm up a bottle of breastmilk, but I had no idea about the depth of emotion, the desperation, the unadulterated ecstasy that is all part and parcel of being a parent, specifically a mother. I got all of that and more, lots more.
I’ve since had another boy, and my sons teach me daily what it is to be a mother. To care for another without regard for self is no easy task, and I NEVER thought I’d be able to do it. I’m the girl who liked to sleep in till 11, then take a three-hour nap in the middle of the day; the girl who spent 50% of her paycheck on payday, on the walk home from work; the girl who liked to have a bowel movement in peace, behind a locked door without a screaming manchild on the other side of it.
The challenges are nonstop, but I’m learning to find strength in my own version of motherhood. I know that not every woman will agree with or even understand why i do things the way I do them. for example, certain women look at me cockeyed when I tell them that I make my son lie in bed for two hours a day, regardless of whether or not he takes a nap. but what they don’t understand is that if mommy doesn’t have her quiet time, she will be a raging bitch from hell in a hot minute.
It’s all about finding the right balance between being supermom (which I have never cared to be), and batshit crazy. And on days when I have to deal with my overactive son talking nonstop for 12 hours, I am teetering dangerously close to option #2. so we have quiet time everyday, NO MATTER WHAT.
In other words, I do what works for me and mine, and my kids love me just the way I am. maybe one day, I’ll take a page out of that book and do the same for myself.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m with Alexis on the quiet time. My 3 year old has basically given up naps, but I still make her stay in her room for a little bit.
We all have our ways to survive motherhood.
And I love Alexis. The end.
no, i love YOU.
the end.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
You don’t say how old your kids are, but my boys are 11 and 8, and I have to reassure you: It gets better. You get a lot of that privacy back, and the ability to sleep in. My kids never wake me up on weekends anymore – they get their own breakfast and play Wii until I roll out of bed, sometimes at 10am. And when I say “Really, QUIET please” they leave the room and respect my need. It gets better. Just give it time.
Erika – In Erika’s Kitchen recently posted..Cooking for the family
they are 3 and 1. and i am dreaming of the day you speak of. i don’t want it to come faster, because i know i won’t get this time back, but you’d better believe i dream about it. a lot.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
It does get better as they get older, my kids are 16 and 12 but having raised them with “quiet time” is HEAVEN now that they’re older because they enjoy it as much as I do. Although I must say that “quiet time” now isn’t so much for my sanity as it is to have my teens disconnect from tv, internet, video games, phone, etc. Schools out for summer and as Im typing this my son is reading a book, its a video game guide but he’s reading and my daughter is laying on the floor drawing and the only noise I hear are the ceiling fans. “Quiet Time” is wonderful when they’re young but in the long run its teaching them to appreciate being alone and that there is more to life then tv, internet & video games.
Growing up, I HATED hearing “you don’t have to take a nap but you will lay here because its QUIET TIME”. I will gladly admit I ate some famous words a daughter says to her mother, you know the ones “When I’m a mom I will never be like you!” Having 3 boys and 1 daughter(ME!) is why my mother needed her “quiet time”. I’m surprised she never came up with “quiet day!” LOL
I think naps or quiet times should be mandatory until they are out of the house lol
S Club Mama recently posted..weekend pictures
It’s so funny that you just have this guest poster today Jill – because her comment on one of your other posts (about newbie blogHer tips – I meant to say hi to her and say I’d love to meet her in NYC!) brought me to her blog for the first time just this week. But I’ve been lurking there — so I’ll introduce myself now – Hi, I’m Christy – a real life friend of Jills (we met at Blogher last year and I can’t wait to see her again!) and I love your blog!
I think it’s great/funny that you get your son to lay in bed and have quiet time even if he doesn’t nap. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to do so with my daughter – but maybe she’ll become a better listener when she’s older – she’s not quite two now!
Loved this post, and thanks for the intro a new blog to love. I think I enjoyed it so much as I can totally relate – I was the girl who never wanted to get married OR have kids, and spent my paycheck as I made it…now I’m a SAHM shoe shopping at Target! haha!
christy recently posted..Two for two
nice to meet you christy! and yes we definitely must meet at blogher. i will be the one with huge feet following jill around like a puppy.
just kidding jill.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Supermom is a myth. We all do things we aren’t proud of – we miss opportunities to connect with our child – we don’t take advantage when our child asks us to play – the list just goes on and on…
I am right there with you about the quiet time. It is a MUST!!!!
Thanks for breaking the mom code of silence. The reality is so much less lonely!!!
it’s true…if only we could all be ok with exposing our “weaknesses” maybe people wouldn’t feel like failures all the time. no one is perfect, NO ONE.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
love it, love you! great post Alexis! Love that you make them have “quiet time” – and love even more that it is for 2 hours. I’m lucky the babies still nap a lot and i of course have to nap too. this mommy stuff is exhausting! and as far as supermom – i’m with you! who wants that! i prefer living in the real world instead of the comic books anyways. she can stay with batman and robin! you are a rockstar!
Well. I put mine in front of a television because staying in his bed for two hours isn’t an option he cares to entertain. So apparently there is a special place in hell for me and my son will never get into a decent college.
Stefanie recently posted..who would you rather?
Maybe our kids can go to a party school together.
Jennifer recently posted..A couple more things I love about summer
@Stefanie – yes he will, and you are not going to hell. My kids have learned more from television than I can list, and most of it is good. They are polite, well-behaved, thoughtful, considerate, smart, funny, WELL-ROUNDED kids who play sports and musical instruments and draw pictures and write poetry. AND watch TV. Life is a package deal. TV is part of the lives of most grownups. It’s not going to hurt your kid unless you’re letting him watch porn or war movies, which I doubt is the case. And anyone who makes you feel otherwise should be stoned.
Erika – In Erika’s Kitchen recently posted..Cooking for the family
you are so going to hell.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
I think mandatory quiet time is one of the smartest things I’ve ever heard of in my whole entire life.
Jennifer recently posted..A couple more things I love about summer
WOW! so nice to read about someone EXACTLY LIKE ME! i love my 2 boys dearly (3 and 1 year) but i was never the type who “wanted” children, i wanted to travel, enjoy being single, and sleeping late! well, that is on the back burner for the next 17 years (atleast) and i struggle but i love my boys and i know they love me, even if i lose it atleast once every other day! definately not “supermom” but i am a good mom and that is good enough for me (and them apparently!)
we all struggle. really. even the ones who LOOK like they have it all figured out. they don’t–they just hide the crazy better. :)
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
I love Alexis…and the people that commented on her guest post….it’s just so nice to feel like I’m not the only one experiencing these things. It’s great to hear all of it put so eloquently and humorously. Laughter is perfect for what ails me. THANK YOU for sharing Scarymommy!
thank you janice! i feel so much better when i am able to step back from my life and laugh at the ridiculousness. and it’s all the more amazing when i have people laughing with me.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Great post! Nice to meet you! I’ve got an 18 year old man-child and trust me… You DO get your privacy back, just not your money…. or sanity…
And the lack of privacy now goes to my daughters.
Val recently posted..Random does it…
I Loved this…LOOOOOVED it.
I really felt less alone and a lot more “normal” reading it.
You see, we tried to conceive for 4 years and it came down to an IVF and a twin pregnancy that knocked me on my ass..and then the boys came and I was just flabbergasted at the notion that in the last 5 years I had learned EVERYTHING about conceiving a baby, how to get PG, Stay that way, I had even read some of the books about bringing a LIVE one home and how to care for it, but I did figure that getting PG was 90% of the battle…if I could do that then caring for them, raising them..no sweat.
Oh how WRONG I was…LOL..thanks for sharing that with me and making me feel a lot better today. My twins are 2 1/2 and I am getting crazier every day. LOL
great post~!!!!
you can never know how things will be or how you will react to them until you’re there. and then you deal the best you can. so no, you’re not alone. not at all.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Alexis, thank you for making me feel like I am not alone in mommyland. I love your writing and alot of your opinions on things are the same as mine. I admire you for being so open about it. Here’s to unhindered online shopping during quiet time. :)
My twins are 6 and while they’ve always been good sleepers, they have never been good nappers. On weekends, when they are home from school, I give myself quiet time. One word both my kids knew by the age of 2 or 3 was “independent.” As in, “Mommy needs quiet time, so you have to play independently.” This is also known as the nearly extinct dinosaur, Leave-Me-Alone-A-Saurus.
Here’s to quiet time…and to my favourite dinosaur.
Ironic Mom recently posted..Reasons I’m Not Nominated for Parent-of-the-Year
This was great! Truly. I think most of us are in that gray area between supermom and batshit crazy. At least I know that’s where I live too.
The thing I loved most about this post was the line about finding strength in your own version of motherhood. It’s beautiful and I imagine the struggle for so many.
Again, great post.
Jen recently posted..Ewok Birthday Party
I could’ve written this post…I have two boys, 3 and 7 months and both are not easy kids. I love them, but they are HARD. So, yeah, I lock my 3-year-old in his room for 2 hours every afternoon. He does fall asleep eventually. Like you, I’m a better mom each day if I have some “me” time. It’s all about doing what works for you and your family.
I’ve given up on being Supermom–the whole idea just stresses me out. And a stresed out me, makes a very BAD mom. And who says a clean house, dinner on the table, and well-behaved kids make a happy home and happy family? If I can spend some time laughing with my kids each day, then I think I’m pretty much a rockstar mom, and so do they, and that’s enough for me.
Erin recently posted..A Groovy Good Horoscope
exactly. cleaning falls right to the bottom of my list when things start to get crazy in my house. i generally will clean if someone is coming over or if i can’t see the floor. otherwise, i am out with my kids.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Yes…totally doing the Quiet Time…until they’re 18 and move out to their dorms!!! Haha…love the honesty in this post. It is a totally self-sacrificing job that changes you in ways you never see coming.
For example, I now think sleeping until 11 is a waste of time (I sound like my mother). I can’t spend more than $50 on a pair of shoes (that doesn’t include boots though). Debt is no longer the norm…it’s a problem that I want to get rid of…I still love shopping though…no kid can take that away!!!
Rebecca recently posted..Honest Scrap Award…
that’s so true, i am a totally different person now than i was before i had kids. a better person, but totally different. for example, i am much less judgmental. mostly because i don’t want people to judge ME, but still. it’s progress.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
I love this post. The magical balance between supermom and batshit crazy is what I aspire for. Right now, I’m much closer to batshit crazy.
Agreed. Quiet time/nap time on a daily basis is a MUST for a happy mommy. And I too was completely unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions that accompany motherhood. No one ever really talks about it and even when they do, it’s hard to understand until you’ve become a mother yourself. Anyway, great post!
Long-live quiet time! I also need the time or I am a raging bitchosaurus. Likewise, that is prime homework time for me…although, school will be blissfully over in just a few months (insert hallelujah chorus here)…
WTH am I Doing recently posted..Poo links
there is nothing wrong w Quiet Time alone. when mine stopped sleeping, they still had to have time alone each day to reflect, read, play alone or whatever, w/o anyone else. i was an only child and had it ALL the time. nothing wrong w learning how to occupy your own time ; )
What a great post – I was nodding along the entire time – DH and I dated in high school, married at 19/21, had kids 6 years later, and then I went a little psycho making sure that everything was PERFECT before she got here.
I look back now and cringe at some of the things I bought, fought with DH about, or thought I needed. :/ Like a 400 dollar changing table. No.
You did a great job, congrats on debuting on Scary Mommy – so excited for you. <3
Diana @Hormonal Imbalances recently posted..Wishful Thinking
oh gosh, the nursery…why did i spend like 84 years worrying about that thing? now the perfect paint color is covered in crayon murals, the perfect crib looks like it’s been chewed on my some kind of psycho beaver, and don’t even get me started on the dresser that we hand painted. sigh.
thanks for reading, diana!
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Anyone who says they aren’t tittering into batshit crazy LIES. Or is, in fact, batshit crazy.
I had twins. Then a third. I use to joke about getting the “invisible fence” for the home like I have outside for my dog. No more baby gates, they get zapped (minimally of course) if wandered into verboten zones. My hubby swore one day we’d get DSS sic’d on us if I kept talking about it. So I stopped.
But a velcro wall would work. Suit up the kids, and if things got nutty (or you need to go to the corner store — again just kidding.) you’d just velcro ‘em up. Spoke to the kids pediatrician about this and she was all for it (4 boys!) Good enough for Letterman!
Dark humor- if I can’t laugh about it, I’d cry.
Betsy recently posted..You Plan, God Laughs, What Next?
velcro wall?! that is genius. i definitely think you’d have a market at the home shopping network.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Amen. We do our best and our kids love us in the end….what else matters?
This is way better than mediocre.
Ha! I thought I was the only one who had a kid crazy enough to eat his crib. Looked like a puppy used it, not a baby.
Erin recently posted..A Groovy Good Horoscope
Nobody likes supermom. I have a bad case of ‘supermomwannabe’ in my daughters daycare. Personally I think she is the batshitcrazy one, not me.
Oh and shoe shopping hell: I’ll up you one. I have a size 36 (think this is a six in America, but am not sure). Sometimes even a 35. Which means sales people will always comment on my ‘adorable small feet’ (which can still kick high enough to get you in the crotch, idiot, even though I am 36 weeks pregnant) and then direct me to the childerens section ‘because we don’t have those sizes for grown ups’. This does give me the perfect excuse to shop in high end stores though…
lol my friend has tiny midget feet too and she sometimes shops in the kids section. but she says she likes it because it’s cheaper.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
My daughter will be 3 next month, I’m still not 100% adjusted to being a mom, and I am ok with that. As I tell people – I LOVE and ADORE my daughter with every ounce of my being and can’t imagine my life without here. It’s the actual act of being a mom that that I don’t always love and adore.
exactly. that is exactly right. no one likes their job 100% of the time, even when that job is motherhood. and that’s just fine.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Wow, we sound a lot alike. I am about to embark on motherhood and I am terrified. I have no idea what to do and I’m afraid of losing my self-identity. Researching things helps, at least to make me feel more confident in the choices I’m making, but I still don’t have the confidence in my ability to be a mother that others do. I never even thought I wanted children, much less at this point in my life.
Erin recently posted..A reunion so sweet, it’s detox
no matter how much you prepare, you will never be ready in the sense that you would like to be. get yourself as far as you can with the research and so on, but just know that that last part? the little bit you can’t prepare for? that’s gonna be a leap of faith. just jump.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
What a great read! The comments, too…esp thinking “that getting pregnant was at least 90% of the battle”…aagghh, now I’m SCARED about-to-get-inseminated!
How I adore REAL women, and Alexis, you are obviously one of the good ones.
thank you alisha. (i hope that’s your name. if not, let’s just pretend it is). don’t be scared. for most, the desire and determination to be a mother is enough to carry you through the experience. and for those who need something more, well, that’s what therapy is for. you’ll be fine.
alexis recently posted..the olivia chronicles: letter two.
Alexis–
I love what you wrote! Motherhood is SO completely different than I ever imagined, and in the beginning I tried to be super mom, but I have learned to just go with the flow—I think my son is much happier, and I know I am. Thank you!
Jules
http://www.alittlebiteoflife.net