DS8 tried to punch me in the face this afternoon ...

AloneOverseas

Just when you think all the shit is behind us, when you think the anxiety and fear is abated ... we face more hurdles. Did we think providing a forever home for two boys would solve all their problems, calm their fears and stabilize their emotions? No, not this quickly. But did I expect to have one try to assault me and pepper me with death threats less than a week later? Hell NO!

So ... what preceded this outburst? DS8 and DS6 were playing with their Lego. Quietly. Happily. Until they were no longer happy. I'm not sure what transpired (I was in another room) but I could hear voices rising. I listened. DS6 starts his 'blah, blah, blah, not listening' to which DS8 replies with 'you're dumb, shut up' to which I say, 'J, calm down, you don't call your brother dumb or tell anyone to shut up'. Of course once J is angry, oh lord! He just rages. Starts growling, talking back, being rude and disrespectful. I went out to see him and asked him to calm down again. No dice. I asked him to go to his room and calm down. No dice. He then starts making demands on me, telling me what to do to make him comply (give him what he wants, talk to him how he wants ...). Of course I say, you can have your things after you calm down ...

Well, he's gotten very vocal and starts grabbing things and threatening to break everything. Ok, time for action. Move or I will pick you up. I try to pick him up, yeah, right. He fights me, but I get him to the hallway, meanwhile things are getting pushed and kicked around. Ok, I can deal with that ... nothing has broken yet. Once n the hallway he then spews forth how much he hates D and doesn't want him living here. Ok, THAT angers me! Poor little D is crying uncontrollably in the other room throughout this exchange. I tell J he is NEVER to say that again. He continues. I tell him we love them both and we are now their parents forever. He says it again so I grab his mouth between my fingers, look him in the eye and said again ... NEVER say that again. He pulled away and let his left arm fly, big closed fist, as hard as he could. Thankfully I pulled back just in time. He then came at me again, I put up my knee to block him and was able to catch him off balance and bring him to the ground. I held him, had D get the phone and called DH to come home, immediately.

Wow ... that hurt even writing it ... need to take a break.

AnonUser30

@AloneOverseas - do you know how to do a hold when a child gets that out of control? I've had my DD take swings at me in those rages (many were out of control due to medication), eventually her therapists finally taught me "the hold" to help them calm themselves.

And, I am sending you a virtual hug because that does hurt, and it does suck. I am sorry you are going through it.

wonderwomanx3

Wow. That even hurt to read. It sounds like he's where he needs to be but he's testing you. I know that sounds stupid but maybe he's trying to see if you'll 'return' him. Does that make sense? Maybe if he's as hateful as he can be & you still love him then he'll realize that he

wonderwomanx3

Oops! premature posting! He'll realize he really is home.

AloneOverseas

Yes, I worked in a group home years ago and we were taught how to restrain kids (had to do it a lot), although I'm sure I'm rusty.

Anyway ... So D decided to go outside to play so I could focus on J. I didn't have to hold him too long, thankfully once he was down he decided not to fight me too much. I let him up and he sat up and started peeling wallpaper. Ugh ... I asked I'm over and over to stop. Nope. So I pushed his hand away. He strikes out, but not with much force. He still refused to go to his room, instead got up and walked around the house and back to the couch to protest. And yell and be rude. I tell him again how much he is loved and he's not going anywhere, we are his family, but he still refuses to go to his room and calm down. So, we start the carry/drag process again. This time he knocks more things down, but I eventually get him in his room. He grabs my arm and tries to smash it against a wall, elbows me in the ribs, says he wants to make me bleed, that he hates me, hates living here, gonna get a Granada and blow my head off. Gonna get a gun and shoot us dead.

I asked him why he's so angry. I told him he can be as angry as he wants but he is living with us forever. He is not going anywhere. DH then gets home and J retreats to his bed. DH asks what happened, I told him. J said nothing. I also reminded DH that J saw his sister and his bio mom this morning, and I suspect some of his anger is due to that ... his sister visited us last week and he got angry (not near as bad!) but seems to get angry every time they get together. Of course J said he is not angry with his bio mom but admits he gets angry when he sees his sister.

So we let J relax a bit then go back in to talk. DH and I take turns reassuring him that both boys are now our family. Both boys are loved and getting angry is ok, but hitting and losing control isn't. Eventually he let me give him a sideways hug. Lol. Then he asked me to leave him alone. Ok.

I made dinner, he drew a cool picture. He came out and showed it to me. Amazing! He also apologized for his behavior. Phew. And said he only hates me when he's angry! Lol. I can handle that. He colored in his picture and I put it in a frame. We have our DS8 back ... but he still owes me a REAL hug!! :)

So yes, I do think he is testing to see if we will give up and send him back. Not happening! Although damn, I really, really, really didn't expect we would see that side of him again. And this was the FIRST time he has ever tried to punch me like that ... so it is a bit concerning as well. I wish I knew this would never happen again ... :(

AloneOverseas

He's lived with us for over three years now. It just sux that he's still not feeling safe/loved enough.

And I am NoT perfect! In the past I have lost my cool with him, yelled back, told him if he wanted to leave I would pack his bags and call his social worker. Most of the time it was an empty threat, but the things he would say would hurt so much. Imagine a five, six and seven year old saying such hateful things and try not to take it personally. But over the last two years he has had some counselling and I have done some reading and talking and thinking to realize the issues are deep and will not go away overnight. I've decided I need to smother him with kindness and love, but also need to keep strong and hold him in line when needed.

Wish I knew why he gets so upset when he sees his sister. She is 19 months older and living permanently with another local family. I have never seen her lose her cool. The interesting thing ... seven years ago we fostered a brother and sister, they were 9 and 10. They are J's first cousins! After nine months with them we had to have them removed. The boy was 9 and a handful. He had done a bit of damage in the bedroom, broke the doorknob and was disrespectful daily. We didn't know they were related when we first took in J, didn't find out for about a year later. I found that difficult to handle. The 9 yo would be 16 now ... Haven't seen him since he left. I hope he has calmed his temper ... but makes me wonder if the anger is a boy thing in that family ...

MaryPoppins25

Wow @aloneoverseas I admire your whole reaction toward this situation. You seem so patient and together with your parenting. I'm so glad he has found the family and home he needs to overcome his anger issues and truly feel loved! >:D< hugs mama you are amazing! xxoo

Willilee

Hugs, @AloneOverseas - it sucks when the fosters act out like that. Ours would do a nosedive whenever she talked to her asshole mother. 8 is too young for him to understand why he acts like that, but hopefully you and DH hanging in there will really help him calm down. He's a lucky
kid.

shouldclean

I'm sorry :( Sounds like you handled it well which is hard to do when you are in a situation like that. My mantra lately has been I will not yell, I will not yell, I will not yell. It is working but it is very hard not to just yell back.

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Jessiesmom

I am so sorry! That sounds really awful, but it seems to me perfectly logical. I think he is at the same time

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Jessiesmom

Whoops didn't mean to post yet... both testing you and venting his frustration. It seems like every time he sees his bio family, he is feeling angry because he wants to be with his bio mom, yet he knows this isn't possible. Since you are the mom in his new family, you are the obvious one to take his resentment out on. I'm sure that in time he will come to learn that he isn't going anywhere, his resentment toward his mother is going to be a more difficult problem. Hopefully they will get some therapy to learn how to live in your new family and how your new family can learn to live together. Just know that it isn't personal towards you, and you are truly doing a wonderful thing for these boys. I admire your selflessness and I pray that it will all come together smoothly soon. In the meantime take a breath and know that it really isn't about you. Good luck!

AloneOverseas

He was visiting his sister and his sister's forever mom took both of them to see their bio mom. I asked him about it first if he wanted to go. He eagerly said yes. I took him to see her over our summer break (January). He pretty much ignores her ... just plays and runs around. Doesn't talk to her much, no physical contact at all. He was removed from her before his first birthday ...

Yes, I definitely believe there are unresolved feelings and he isn't old enough to understand them or vocalize them ... but there's got to be a way to help him deal with them without his becoming physically abusive.

Jessiesmom

A therapist will be able to teach him to deal with his feelings w/o becoming physical. They will teaching relaxation techniques, and help him learn what his triggers are. It will also help him process his feelings about his bio family.

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Thisisthenamethatneverendsitgoesonandonmyfriend

@aloneoverseas I grew up in foster care from 10 to 16 when I emancipated out. We had so many kids come and go, but they always tested sooooo far to see if we'd give them back. They would beat us hard and boy 4 5 6 7 8 any ages all those kids are so strong. On bio visits days you always see a whole nother kid. He may resent his sister that she didn't take care of him, he may see her as more of a mom figure so he stays mad at her.

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Dreamer

I have no adice to offer, but I just wanted to say that I think its amazing what you'd done for those kids. Not everyone could do it/does it(fostering/adopting). Those boys are extremely lucky, and one day they will totally appreciate all you've done for them.