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2nd Child? Give me the good news!
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    So my DH and I have been together 15+ years, married for 4. We have a DD2.5 and we're starting to think about having another one.

    With my DD, I suffered through a long, barfy pregnancy, a nightmare of a delivery, and a lot of PPD afterwards - that lasted at least until 15months. My body went to crap, and have finally (yay!) got back to my pre-pregnancy size. 

    We finally feel like we have our life back, sleep is more or less good, having sex again, and can mostly afford all our expenses, and have found a babysitter to go out once in a while.

    So, of course, now that things are feeling good again, we --- (well mostly me) are thinking of a 2nd child. DH is on board with whatever I want, super supportive either way. I'm SOOOOO torn. I love having DD, but I don't know if I feel "done".....every day I change my mind. 

    I would appreciate any thoughts, experiences and advice. (Maybe not the "you can't have an only child- she'll be a spoiled brat!" DH and I, both know we can raise a perfectly well-adjusted only child...  )
    ;)
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    The playmate angle has always gotten me. Both me and DH really dislike our respective siblings... There's not much of a good history there... 

    But I do think about when we die... so morbid...but it would be nice for her to have some family...
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    I have 2 dds 11 months apart. Good news, they play together... Sometimes long enough for me to have a tea. Bad news, they fight...sometimes long enough that I can't even drink a tea!
  • DontpooponthedogDontpooponthedog
    Posts: 240Member

    With two kids, the odds you'll get into a nice nursing home raises. 

    :D
  • serenitynowserenitynow
    Posts: 2,175Member
    my youngest just turned 4 and i am now having this 1 more baby debate as well. i surprisingly got pregnant in Nov. but miscarried in Jan. so i feel that since i was already in baby-mode, once the shock of the surprise wore off, why not try again. but then i think, all my kids are going to be in school, no more diapers, waking up all hours....but i think will i really regret not having 1 more or at least trying to have one more?
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,384Member
    I never thought I would have kids. Today is baby #3's due date. I blame this one on a lapse in sanity. However, ds4 and dd2 play together for longer stretches of time every day. It was tough at first and then we got into a routine and then dd started moving and now I chase my 2 crazy kids all day long but its worth it to see them randomly hug or kids each other :)
  • [Deleted User]
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member
    my DS3 LOOOOOOVES his sister, DD 10 weeks. he sleeps through her crying at night w/ the help of a box fan in the hallway. keeps air moving in our tiny apt and drowns out the loudest fits DD can have so he snt disturbed. she is EBF, and DS has adjusted to me having to do that, with only a few embarressing comments in public so far :). i also feel the 'i need one more' thing. now more then ever. mostly bc my DD will need a sister. i have 3 and a SIL, and i would not survive w/o them. my mom used to always say to me ' you may not have a friend in the world but you will always have your sister'. i find that to be one of the truest things ever. good luck! whatever you do will be right for your fam
    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,384Member
    @MammaTeeRoll my ds4 said he didn't live his sister the other day. We were trying to explain he might not always like her but he loved her. So, we asked him what he would do if a bug kid was pouching on her, without missing a beat he said ” I'd get them.”
  • [Deleted User]
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member
    @Mammateeroll your kid sounds awsome lol i hope my DS is smart enough at 6 to know brains can beat braun :)
    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,384Member
    @MammaTeeRoll I'm afraid that is going to be something dd does...she is crazy!
  • [Deleted User]
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    Having 2 children is so much fun. I can't lie though, it will change everything. But it is so hilarious to watch my 2 interact! My oldest is 2 and my youngest is 1. They are always scheming together, hiding underneath blankets giggling together, having "conversations".. Oh, it just makes my heart melt! You will LOVE IT (even though you may rip your hair out once in a while).
    Get me a damn beer.
  • [Deleted User]
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    I love the real comments!This is such better advice then family!

    Unfortunately, for us, my DH's sister is craaaaaazy and we have stopped speaking to her all together, he has admitted that he doesn't love her and feels no obligation to her. It's kind of sad. I have 2 older brothers, who were either busy torturing me, ignoring me or treating me like their own child, (It's great to have 4 parents!), so not much of a relationship there.

    I think we could do a good job with the sibling thing... I mean we would be so committed to trying to give them a friendship, because we both would have wanted that...although I know you can't force friendship...

    How did your lives change after #2 was born? (From what friends and family tell me, #3, #4+ kids, sort of fit into the family more easily...) but #2 is a HUGE adjustment. Any regrets? But, yes, I'm still looking for the good news!
  • [Deleted User]
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,384Member
    Honestly one you have one child what's a few more? Once you take the plunge and have one kid you already went through the major change. You already have to plan for every trip. It already takes you twice as long to run an errand or get out of the house.

    The biggest changes we faced were just managing 2 kids at such different stages but once we figured out what works for us, it was a lot easier. I also made sure to give ds lots of extra love when his sister was sleeping. But, I still think, what were we think by having a 3rd but I also can't wait to meet this baby.
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    Regrets? I have 2 toddlers, I don't have time for regrets lol c;
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member
    everything does change. your used to operating w/ 3 of you not 4. so packing to go out is harder, you have all of the 1st LOs stuff AND all the baby gear. usually takes me 2 trips to the car to load and go. you have an added b-day and x-mas gift. you have to hull out all the baby equipement (swing crib ect ) and teach LO to not play with them w/o making her hate the baby. you tend to handle one, dh will handle the other, so one on one time really doesnt happen till both are sleeping. im sure other ladies can add but yeah, your current set up mostlikly wont work.
    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    @MammaTeeRoll - I agree, I don't think that she would necessarily have a bad relationship with a sibling. Its just that neither DH or I have a good one with our respective siblings, and so it is a genuine worry for us. Both in the fact that we could mess it up for them, or that it could turn out similar to ours. Its mostly a fear, but a fear based on our realities.

    I guess it's no different to the other fears that we have regarding our children, so I just wanted to see what the Scary Mommies had to say about having a 2nd child. I think I've over thought the bad too much, and needed to hear some of the good stuff. I'm a bit of a worrier, and am seriously on the fence at this point.  
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    So is it just the stress of the pregnancy and first few years that is holding you back?
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    @shouldclean - that is sort of the attitude I've been thinking... like really at this point, what's an extra bum to wipe, or a few extra bananas at the grocery store...LoL... I do know it will be more of everything like @momofeveryone says, extra trips to the car and trying to balance it all... 

    Since DD was a happy surprise baby, and now it would take a trip to the doctor's office to get pregnant again, planning for a kid is stressful! I'm glad we didn't sit down and plan DD, I would have been a wreck! (and probably childless!)
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    @eapple - yes. It has been hard, and so lonely! The PPD was the worst - hours of guilt, worry, shame, crying --- uuughh... it was bad (didn't want to hurt anyone, just really very sad for a long time), second only to the nightmare of a delivery...We don't have a lot of support, or any actually. DH and I do everything, unless we pay a babysitter for a night out. Sometimes I feel like I've 'survived' (that sounds horrible...) and think "why do it again?"...
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    I get the "survived" part. I feel like I survived a lot of my days lol
    pregnancy for me was pretty tough and we pretty much have to pay anyone to babysit for us too. It sux when you feel like all you want is a teensy bit of support but cant get it :( I can't relate to the ppd, I can't imagine how hard that would be >:D< but if having another is what your heart is telling you then just know that those tough times pass and you get a little human out of the deal! That's pretty kickass, a little human of your own!
  • ZidashaZidasha
    Posts: 830Member
    That's the way it goes most of the time..haha.  My youngest is 2.5, the perfect age where he starts doing stuff for himself, his brother who is 4 years older than him helps out a lot, I can sleep in by just letting them jump in my bed and turning on t.v.  They scheme together, they fight but they love each other also.  And yes, some days I just want to pull my hair out, but, I can honestly say they keep my days interesting.

    I'm preggo with number 3 and there are days I wonder, "What the hell did I get myself into?" but most days I'm excited to have a baby in the house again.  Although this is my last I know when she's about 2.5 and at that perfect age where I can sleep in a little I'm gonna get the urge to want another one.

    Good luck to you and your hubby and I'm so happy you have such a supportive Dh.

    "I have a theory that placenta is brain matter I push out, so with each child I get dumber and dumber." ~ Unknown

  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member
    if your concerned about the ppd, talk to your Dr about getting a plan in place before you even get pregnant. research antidepressents that can be taken while b/f, get a councler who is covered by your insuranc lined up that has a background in dealing w/ ppd, make sure the nursing staff is aware of your history. im a big believer that the more you can prep, the more incontrol you are, the better you feel.  
    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,650Member
    Mine are 5 1/2 years apart. I regret not having them closer in age because they arent close at all. I hope when they both get a little older they will become friends.
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • many_moons_ago
    Posts: 338Member

    What ever you decide there will be pros and cons. All number of kids and age gaps have different issues but also have things that are good.

    An only child means one lot of school fee, one set of winter clothes to buy. Christmas presents and birthdays.

    2 means they have a play mate during the holidays and weekends. They learn to share everything. They can read to each other. DD and DS often do there reading home work together because I'm busy cooking dinner or something else.

    3 means one is left out. At the moment it is not so bad for mine but it is getting there. DD20mo often gets left out because she doesn't understand the game, they do try to include her but are often happy when she has a nap so they can play a more grown up game.

     

    I have 2 16 months apart. It was great having 2 toddlers. They are 7 and 6 now, play together (most of the time) and walk to school together.

    I have 5.5 years between DD7 and DD 22mo and have found all 3 are amazing together. DD7 and DS6 play with their sister, hide and seek or farms or cars, read to her, do puzzles with her. DD7 will often sleep in DD20mo bed if she isn't falling asleep easierly. DD20mo loves the holidays and went crazy when DD and DS came home after 3 days at friends houses.

    I'm having another in a few weeks so will be back to the to 2 at home.

  • lolafllolafl
    Posts: 217Member

    My 1st pregnancy was a nightmare - I puked E-V-E-R-Y day, I retained enough water to float a cruise ship, I felt like I had the flu the entire time, my blood pressure was high and I had to go on modified bed rest the last 8 weeks.  I dreaded going through a 2nd pregancy.  But I am an only child & I hated it so I swore I would never have just one child. Luckily, not every pregnancy is the same. 

    My 2nd pregnancy was so easy!  I wasn't sick at all, I breezed right through it.

    Having 2 is a challenge for me because they fight every day.  Their age difference plays a role - they're 4 years apart (too far in my opinion, I would have them closer if I could get a do-over).  The moments they play nicely together, hug, my DD reads to DS, etc just melts my heart, though.

  • MamaAce
    Posts: 404Member
    I don't believe that "spoiled brat if she's an only child" bullshit. It's all in how you raise them. Has nothing to do with if they're the only one. I honestly don't believe having a sibling can be beneficial. I have 3 kids and all they do is fight 24/7. I can't stand it and there are many days when I wish we only had 2...or even 1. I've noticed when there's only 2 of them (or 1 of them) around it's fine, but for some damn reason when all 3 of them are around it's like WW3 going on around here. 

    I say go with your heart. Do what you feel is right for you and your family. Your DD is only 2.5...maybe wait 6 months to another year and see how you feel (not sure how old you are or if that's a factor for you.) Good luck!
  • LadyBug0910LadyBug0910
    Posts: 233Member
    @purpleflowers my sister and I are 5 1/2 years apart and when we were younger we didn't get along at all. Now that we are older (she's 17 and I just turned 23) she's my best friend. I couldnt imagine life without her. :-)
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 2,147Member
    We have one kiddo, he's 2.5.  I'm 99% sure we're done.  I love our little family, we are sleeping somewhat normal, we are in a place now where he's affordable, I am pretty happy with him being an 'only'.  

    The other day, my mom (who would love for me to have another) was telling me how she worries about Jameson as he gets older.. being alone.  How siblings are friends cradle to grave, and because I'm 37 which means my parents are in their 60s, we'll be gone before he's lived half his life most likely and he'll be alone.  Granted, he'll have friends, hopefully an adoring spouse, etc.. but it made me pause a bit.  

    One thing one of my best girlfriends also said that sort of stuck in my head was that she couldn't imagine loving another child the way she loves her first, and then (of course), she did.. and she said watching her two children love each other has been such a deeper feeling than she felt having one.

    I haven't been persuaded by either comment, but those are the 2 things that have made me do a little "hmm..".
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,757Member
    @skatermom echos my sentiments exactly. There are four years between DD8 and DD3 1/2, and another almost 4 years between her and little dude. I love that I have that gap. DD8 and DD3 1/2 play together really well now. DD8 is a bit of a mother hen, and is really patient with her little sister. She is also old enough now that she is a great help with DS. The timing isn't always for  everyone. Some people would rather have them close together and get it over with.

    Your original  question was about adding #2, though, and I say go with your gut. If you really want a second, then have another. With a planned baby, you can have all your ducks in a row way before he/she is born and be ready to tackle any issues you might have confidently. And it really is awesome to watch DDs playing together. Soooo sweet when they're getting along, which of course isn't all the time, but when they're being sweet, it absolutely melts my heart! It's enough for me to quit kicking myself for DS! LOL
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • ClassicalMama
    Posts: 50Member
    Wow. I am in awe of all of your thoughtful, insightful comments. 

    @MamaAce, Age does have a (small) factor in my decision to have a #2. I'm 31, and although I do have a few more healthy years, I don't want to wait until I'm "advanced maternal age", mostly for health reasons. 

    I just have this (quiet) feeling that I'm not done. But I do know, that I would be perfectly happy with what I have. I guess it is a great position to be in, and I feel lucky for that reason. 
    DH and I have talked it over - and we will wait until DD is at least 3 before we start trying. We're thinking that a 4+ year spread might feel a bit more comfortable for us, and gives us a bit of time to really be sure. 

    I blame DD for all this... LoL.. She came home one day and said "Mama, I want a baby sister"... (One of her friends 'got' a new baby sister, and she looooooves babies...)
  • AnonUser30
    Posts: 1,916Guest
    I waited 10 years between mine. Some by choice and some not. But someday they will have each other. MUCH harder I think the longer you wait to do it - for you. Readjusting back to a newborn was hard. They do get along sometimes though.
  • AllOrNothingAllOrNothing
    Posts: 135Member
    I have 3 boys, 8, 6 and 3mos. DH was content with two kids, but I never felt "done". My pregnancies were 9 months of head-in-toilet and most.other undesirable symptoms, but the 2 older boys are best buddies and I always wanted more than one. When we accidentally got pregnant with #3, we felt we had our decision made for us, lol. And now I truly do feel like my family is complete. So much so that DH is getting a vasectomy.
    There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Just wanted to let the OP know I understand how you feel. All the best!
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 1,849Member
    My two are 33 months apart. The first bit was hard, dd never went to daycare and had only been happy to go out with other people for 6 months or so. She is super sensitive. She loves her little brother and he adores her. If she had boobs he wouldn't want me at all. They are so cute together.
    Now she says we need another baby. Sometimes she says two. No thanks. I'd be happy if it happened, but at 34, I'm okay with being done
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • battibatti
    Posts: 2,164Member
    #2 was a big surprise for us. We were all happy, cute lil family with one spoiled lil 15 month old son. They are almost exactly 2 years apart.
    The GOOD news, they love each other SO MUCH. When one is out of the room, the other is asking 'where is he!!??'
    Bad news, they fight. A LOT. But they are both.boys and only 2 and 4, so I'm not surprised or anything xD

    SMSM_s_5

  • SerendipitySerendipity
    Posts: 637Member
    Being an only child does not automatically make you spoiled. Both dh and I are onlies and people are shocked. I will say it sucks for when parents are older. I'm the only one that can take care of them. I have no one to share that burden with. I never felt lonely as a child, but I do as an adult.

    I have two, and adding another child does not just double the work- try a power of ten. But they are good friends. We are just starting to get into the fighting, but its not so bad yet (they are 5 and 18mos). I hope they will be good friends and support each other for life.
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