the manipulating teenager
  • didntsignup4this
    Posts: 3Member
    My DD15 hates school!  She tends to stir drama where ever she goes and it's finally catching up to her!  I've told her thousands of times that all she must do is keep her mouth shut and not insult/name call/ talk about people and things would go more smoothly.  Yesterday she texts me and asks me to pick her up from school..."I can't be here anymore."   I told her that I couldn't get her and she must go to school no matter what the situation was.  Unless she is sick or dying!  So what does she do..... she tells the social worker that she wants to commit suicide! (we have gone through this before in January and she was admitted into the hospital for a week)  I told the social worker that I WAS NOT taking her back to the hospital because it did no good..the only reason she says things like that is because she doesn't want to be at school!  So what happens next..... the youth shelter calls me... they make me take her to the hospital for an evaluation (this is the third time I'm paying them $400 a pop for them to say she's fine)  After all of this I decide that I should leave her with the youth shelter, which they say I can do for up to 21 days. She calls me from there last night and begs me to come and get her....

    I feel like a HORRIBLE mom for leaving her there but I'm at my wits end.... she's slowly killing me from the inside out!  Tells people I don't love her when all I do is show love.  Hugs, kisses, constant I love you's, talk to her for hours on end about whatever it is that's bothering her....She screams at me when I touch her and tells me I don't know anything!

    It doesn't help that her "father" shows no interest in her what-so-ever and recently told her never to come back to his house again.

    I know she'll call me again tonight and I just don't know what to say........
  • AnonUser31
    Posts: 327Guest
    Maybe you can put her on independent study.
  • didntsignup4this
    Posts: 3Member
    That's what she would like.  The problem is... she's to lazy and I don't think she would do any of the work.  She's 100 lbs over weight and seclusion would make that problem even worse!  I've signed her up for cardio classes, tried to get her to eat healthy... she tells me she wants gastric bypass surgery!  I've resorted to locking the fridge and kitchen cabinets up at night..
  • AnonUser31
    Posts: 327Guest
    Is there any type of military school around? My son goes to a military charter school. It's just like regular schools but they have a military setting. (he gets to come home everyday) they just have them do drills and stuff. It teaches them respect and to take responsibility for your actions. And they don't let you get away with shit!
  • AnonUser30
    Posts: 1,916Guest
    Leave her there. Teach her to keep her mouth shut. My DD is 15 too and pulling the same kind of shit (not AS bad yet). It's a natural consequence of her behavior. I know it's going to rip your heart out.
  • didntsignup4this
    Posts: 3Member
    @despair... no military schools around. I researched that 1st thing!

    The social worker just called me and told me that I'm doing the right thing... which makes me feel a little better.  I'll probably leave her there until Sunday and just deal with the heartbreaking phone calls every night.. 'sigh'

    Oh.. and I've got to say!  I love this site!  I bought the book a couple of days ago and thought I'd just take a look.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one having teen issues.


  • BakingmommyBakingmommy
    Posts: 409Member
    I know this sounds really really mean, but I wouldn't take the phone calls, let them go to voicemail, listen to them later and then (if you can) call her and just casually mention that you noticed you missed her call, and just do small chit chat and try and leave all her drama out of it, if she can't use her drama against you and you show her it doesn't bother you and she can't get to you anymore, maybe just maybe she'll drop the damn act.
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 6,043Member
    It ripped my heart out when my son was in the juvenile home for 2 weeks(3 times) We could only visit one time a week and I didnt go. It was probably the best thing I did. Hugs to you, I totally understand. >:D<
    @didntsignup4this
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    @didn'tsignup4this WOW!!! You described my DD15 to a T. Except for the hospital part, my dd has not tried that one yet. And all my dd wants is to go on independent study and I have been putting my foot down. She is failing her freshman year of high school, she ran away from home recently. It's been hell around here. I recently put my daughter in community school and I have her in counseling. The school seems to be helping more then the counseling, she's at least getting caught up on her school work.

    I don't really have any advice, just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. If you ever need someone to talk to. PM me. We can at least cry on each others shoulders while we try to figure out how to make it through this with our sanity intact.
  • notperfectnotperfect
    Posts: 1,246Member
    I have nothing constructive to add except that my heart goes out to both of you, I can understand how much she must be hurting to be reaching out this way, and I can understand how difficult it must be for you to be going through this with her. Hang in there Mom, you are doing what is right for her, love her, it's hard for her now, but she will remember it later, it is what she needs.
  • pdxmama
    Posts: 1,467Member
    Why does she hate school so much @didntsignup4this? Is it not wanting to do the work or is it problems with other kids? (like being picked on or teased about her weight)
  • fotofreak
    Posts: 90Member

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this @didntsignupforthis.  My dd19 also hated school and begged us to move her to a different one. No one liked her. She didn't like anyone.  Would do her homework and not turn in. It got to the point where a "D" would put a smile on my face. It was heartbreaking to watch so I kinda understand where you are coming from.

    My ds is a teacher and she was my salvation. While she didn't work at dd's school she did know people there who checked out the situation to make sure dd wasn't being bullied.  And, the teachers all said, she is a lovely kid but needs to grow up. So Tough Love it was.

    You are doing the right thing.  SWorkers see so much in their line of work and if they are telling you its the right thing....even though its tough as hell, it probably is.  

    Hang in there and I am with @bakingmommy - I wouldn't take her calls. It's hard enough to deal with as it is.  Call back on YOUR time when you feel a little stronger. 

  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 6,948
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • canadamom
    Posts: 880Member
    My heart goes out to you as I have also had issues with my teenagers.  I had to send them to my exH at times because of behaviour issues.

    It hurts to do this I know.  Hang in there!!  Take a well deserved break.  

    Your DD is being emotionally abusive and it has to be stopped.  We would not accept this behaviour from another person who wasn't our child.  

    Do something for yourself - it will keep you busy and reduce stress.  I recommend a pedicure!!
  • AnonUser26
    Posts: 1,069Guest
    No, my dear, you are not alone. I recently had to take drastic steps to end my dd emotional and physical abuse against me. It isn't easy. I had to remove all reminders of her out of my immediate area. I put on a happy face for my family and friends, but some days I'm dying inside. An hour ago I was sobbing in my DF's arms from the pain. But, what has to be done, has to be done. She knows I'm here, and I think deep down she knows I love her. I have my parent's support, my closest friends, my df and several of the mommies here have reached out to me. You know it's bad when a grandmother puts a grandchild out of her home. Hang in there, darling. Be strong.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 6,948
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • CrazyinNC
    Posts: 7Member
    Be tough and leave her there a little longer, I bet she will think twice before starting this drama again. There are consequences for her actions. Having a lot of the same issues with my daughter. Even to the point of calling protective services on her father. She even got expelled because she thought she would be able to do independent study....NOT. I put her ass in the alternative school.
  • momhutch
    Posts: 2Member
    There but for the grace of God go I in a few years. My 12 year old is on an emotional roller coaster and if it continues I can see the path leading to where you are. Please know that your true friends will support anything you do. Being tough on your child is the hardest but we would leave a spouse doing this so let her sweat it out for the 21 days and see what happens. It can't make it any worse and hopefully it will surprise you with a wonderful start to change. 
  • wtfwit
    Posts: 221Member
    Some teens just can't handle love and attention. When I was a teen, if my mom was super sweet and nice to me, I treated her and my dad like shit! Ohhh but if I was in trouble and they where pissed and ignoring me... I was an angel... maybe ignoring her phone calls will make her appreciate how good she has it with you.
  • themommypsychologist
    Posts: 21Member
    I have to say that I'm both a mom as well as a child psychologist. So I see things from this lens. When it comes to suicide, the reason threats have to be taken seriously is because many times (especially with teenagers), they make these threats and half hearted attempts simply for attention. However, what ends up happening is that some teens end up accidently killing themselves. For example, they time it so that they will be found in time but something goes wrong and they aren't found in time. Or their "plan" doesn't go as planned and they actually are successful. There's also a chance that she might be being bullied at school and not telling anyone. Just lost someone from my hometown to bullying last weekend (http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/05/02/online-bullying-and-teenage-suicide/). You might want to investigate a bit more about why she doesn't want to go to school.

    Here's the other part: like everyone has said, BE TOUGH! It is alright to be tough with her as much as it rips your heart apart. You know that right now she is in a safe place and nothing is going to happen to her. And honestly, I would recommend that you let her stay there for awhile. Do they have some type of structured program? Let other professionals deal with her for awhile. Let her stay there long enough to realize how good she has it at home. Teenagers are EXTREMELY manipulative. If she is doing all of this for attention, take away the attention involved in it no matter how hard that might be for you. Also, I promise this is the last thing- I would encourage you to find a parent support group for troubled teens. You will need help finding your way through this and it is really comforting to know other parents are going through it. Also,they will have good tips for you and creative tactics! Ok, I'm done now:)

    "The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com
  • AnonUser26
    Posts: 1,069Guest
    @themommypsychologist I might need to seek your advice!!
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 3,934Member
    Hugs to you.  I was your daughter many moons ago.  In MY case (looking back), I was really acting out for attention.  Totally.  My parents were drunks, my friends were horrible influences, I wrote about suicide, carved up my arms, even faked depression deeper than it was.  It sounds like you're doing everything you can.  Sorry if I missed it but is she in counseling?  I'm sure a bit of it might be the distress around her father (I'm no @themommypsychologist :) ), or just regular ol' angsty hormonal crap.  Stay strong, sweetie.  Tough love is SO appropriate here.. Even though I hated my parents for it until I was oh about 20.. I'm so glad they didn't fall into my demands and 'made' me keep up in school, apply for college and so on (they also got sober when I was about 19).  I'm closer to them now (at 37 lol) than I ever have been.  Stay strong mama!! You know what's best here, deep down.
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • GarrettsmamaGarrettsmama
    Posts: 106Member
    Were going through the same problems in our house hold right now. This is not my son but my sin son who is 13. We are a large close family so were all dealing with this. His father is not around, he is dealing with bullying and such. He is a master manipuator also and I was the only one who noticed a long time ago, but no one noticed... his grandparents, or parents didnt listen but now they are cuz i called everything he has done. He is one to blow things out of proportion, he picks on other kids but its all their fault (never his). He is flamboyant, and always has to be the center of attention even if its negative. So of course other kids pick on him.. i know its not right but if u make urself noticed for acting negatively people will respond negatively. He then started drawing picture of killing people, and wrote hate, death, kill on his bindfer for attention. I told him it was wrong, and not to act that way or he will have horrible consequnces, i talked to his mother, and grandmother about it. They ignored me, 2 months later he did it at school and got caught and kicked out until he went to counseling. Now hes manipulating the counselor, and his parents. His counselor told his mother he doesnt have to do anything he doesnt want to, and now is using against his parents. She told his mom he doesnt need to but has to suffer consenquences, but he is never given them. I would have her stay the entire stay, maybe she is taking u and what she has for granted. Sometimes especially with todays teens they need tough love. I think if you do reverse psycholgy. Tell her she needs help, she needs to be there because your worried about her health, and risk of hurting herself. Dont say you dont believe her but play if off like its her only option, and you want her to be ok. Dont give into her, and dont let her have control. If she knows this is her consenquence for faking such a serious thing, and doesnt get her way, and has to go to this program and do it.. i am for certain she prob wont do it again once she is out. She will be more happy to come home, more happy with all she has and all you do. take this time to talk with your husband about rules, boundaries, take a break and collect your thoughts.. you sound like you need it anyways so when she gets back your refreshed and strong. take this time to clean out cabinets and start healthy eating, and sign her up for classes that she will like after she is back.. but know children will be full of hate in this age..its a given they will freak out to get their way. DONT give in, dont let yourself feel like a horrible mother. You are not.. it will pay off in the end. I promise right now its finidng respect, and boundaries. She is not that 4 year old that doesnt understand. She is not a full adult either. She wants more freedom and to act like an adult but isnt acting like one. Tell her when you can respect, and act like an adult you will have more freedom, but until then im treating you like a child. I also would not at all even consider home school for her. She is not responsible enough, it is not your fault. But your going to be even more bent out, and stressed fighting with her bout her homework. She has a better chance of graduating with staying in school, since she prob would do her homeschooling assignments. Find other ways to be a constructive discipliner, when shes in trouble take her prized possesstions away, make her write sentences, take things away. If she wants to freak out and treat you like shit, and not be grateful have her come home to an empty room except her bed and books, make her earn everything back. There are ways to discipline and give her a wake up call. My mother was harsh on us, but we also know how to respect, and turned out fine. My brother and i are were wonderful kids.. no cops, law or anything ever involved. So stop beating yourself up.. and realize your her mother not her friend, she will be mean and hate you at times.. but that means your doing your job as her mother. She will come around when shes older and thank you. But also remeber to have fun, reward, and be there! If she is showing improvement and trying do something special and show her you love her even if its going out for coffee, and to get her hair done or somthing. This is my advice.. i hope it helps, and i wish you the best! :)
    I am your mother 1st, and your friend 2nd! I will always love you, but it is my responsibilty to make you a decent man for when you get older. You will thank me once your married, and will understand why I did the things I did while raising you!