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what can i do to make dh stay home?
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    ok so me and dh have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4 and we have 4 kids. only 2 live with us all the time, but the other 2 come very often. when he's not working 12's, he's usually gone and i just don't understand why. i do everything for him, clean up after him, feed him, wash his clothes, EVERYTHING. and he gets mad when i ask him why he is always gone then leaves again. i mean, is there something that i'm missing? we just had ds number 4 on april 13th so i obviously can't have sex yet, but i do other things for him but it seems like it's not enough. i'm just so lonely all the time.
  • sanityseekersanityseeker
    Posts: 2,468Member
    He just leaves? Where does he go???
    Biting's excellent. It's like kissing. Only there's a winner.
    "Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure.” -Dobby
    Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    well, he says that he just goes to a friends' house or just drives around to get some fresh air, but i usually have a bad feeling when he leaves that he's going to see another woman. we've had our fair share of fights and cheating, but that was many years ago and i thought we were past that, i just don't know if that's what he's really doing or not. he says i'm such a bitch, but if he were home more often to help me with stuff, then i wouldn't be such a bitch.
  • Mommyliciousx4Mommyliciousx4
    Posts: 1,769Member
    Hide his keys and wallet.

    Have you told him how lonely you are? Unless you bf, be a step ahead of him and leave first, you deserve time too.
    He has responsibilities too.
  • notperfectnotperfect
    Posts: 762Member

    You can't make him stay, and the more you try to force him to stay the more he will try to leave. It sounds like your relationship is in serious trouble (I'm sorry if that hurts) The two of you need to really talk and not fight about this issue. I would suggest marital counseling, and if he won't go, go by yourself, they do that too.


    I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time, I've been there, I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

    >:D<
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,632Member
    Nothing. If he wants to leave, he will. It sounds like he is already emotionally disconnected from your marriage. I would suggest couples counselling, buy by the sounds of it he wouldn't be interested. I'm so sorry you're going through this. >:D<
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    thank y'all for the support. i really need this. we live with my mil currently and are "trying" to save up for a house of our own and she even says that i should just divorce him, even offered to send him elsewhere. i'm seriously thinking about it.
  • Mommyliciousx4Mommyliciousx4
    Posts: 1,769Member
    Living w inLaws is always depressing and stressful, atleast it was for me. Maybe he's trying to get away from that.
    Maybe mil can watch the kids so you two can go spend some time together?
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member

    well we would, but we have a newborn and no one that i know will keep a newborn overnight. and i don't blame them. she said once he starts to sleep through the night,she'll keep him.

    my mil doesn't come home but every few days, we're here by ourselves most of the time. i'm best friends with my mil and she helps me out with the kids more than dh does. i don't know what i'd do without her.

  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,854Member
    Sounds like your MIL is pretty awesome! Mine is too, btw! So sorry you're going through this, but my gut reaction was that he's seeing someone else. Maybe not sleeping with them, but it's someone you don't know about. After you just had a baby, I would think he'd want to be there to support you. Newborns are tough! Has he always been this way??
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    he hasn't always been this way. that's why it's such a shock to me. he's always been there and helped me up until a few months ago. (for the most part) i think he might be having an "emotional affair" which to me is almost worse than a physical one because your heart's involved. and our newborn had to stay in the hospital for almost a week and he stayed with us every single day and night but then it's like as soon as we got home and the "new" wore off he went back to being gone all the time and spending his paycheck like he doesn't have responsibility.
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 192Member
    @Cra8zy_mom_of_4 sounds like you have a great mil!! You are lucky (in that respect!) congratulations on the new baby! I think this is the ideal time to have a serious talk with your dh. Let him know that four is just too much for you to handle by yourself. That you are a person too, and deserve some time to be yourself, follow your dreams, or to just take a friggin' break!! Try to speak calmly to him, and try your best not to be emotional. Do not say "in the past, you did this and that and this!". If he feels attacked, he will go right into defensive mode. And you don't want that, you want to be able to speak like two grown-ups having a discussion. See if you are able to make him see it through your eyes....I am assuming you are a sahm? With that all being said....do you want to stay with him? With his mother telling you to leave him, it doesn't sound like too great of a situation! I am I understanding you correctly? That your mil said that you and your children could stay there, and he would have to go?!? That is either one AWESOME mil or one dirty dog dh!! (or ,most likely, a little of both!). Anyway, I am so sorry for this awful situation that you are in, but you definitely came to the right place for support!! Good luck honey!!
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,632Member
    Time for a come-to-Jesus talk. Then if that fails, take your MIL up on her offer to kick him to the curb, divorce his ass, and get the courts to garnish his wages for child support. No responsibility, my ass!
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    Jessiesmom thank you so much for that!! yes i'm a SAHM and i really don't want to be. i'd rather be out there working and making my own money for my family. and yes my mil thinks i should divorce dh, but me and the kids stay here. she is totally awesome! i've tried talking to him before, but i think i came on a little too strong, so we're going to sit down and have a "come to Jesus" talk (as my sister says) and see if we can't come to an agreement or work something out.  i really want to finish school (only have 5 classes left) and then go on and further that, but it seems like everytime i try to go to class, dh thinks that i'm trying to find another man. i'm just trying to better myself for my kids. he's always making remarks about me and someone else. i don't get it. lol i just let it roll off my back. that i can handle, it's the being gone all the time that i can't.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    fatchickonabike said:

    Time for a come-to-Jesus talk. Then if that fails, take your MIL up on her offer to kick him to the curb, divorce his ass, and get the courts to garnish his wages for child support. No responsibility, my ass!




    i LOVE this!! this is what is about to happen. :D
  • SuperSneaky
    Posts: 53Member
    Not to be pessimistic, but my dad and mom were married 31 years. Dad would leave after he got off work (at 3PM) and not come home till 11:30 PM. When mom asked where he was, he'd say he was "driving around" or "at (friend's name)'s house."

    I feel like mom should of had some idea, but being a SAHM with a few kids, no college education or anything she really needed to get out, she felt like she needed to stay so she'd have a place to live and groceries on the table.

    When the truth came out, he had cheated on her with the same woman for at least 10 years. It also spiraled because of a drug problem, causing him to lose his job... so all that shit she dealt with for that long, she didn't even get alimony.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,632Member
    You go, @cr8zy_mom_of_4!
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member

    i kinda feel like that SuperSneaky and i know that i could do it on my own with all my kids, but it's just the fact that i love him so much, i want to give us more time to try and work it out and figure out what's really going on here.

  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • many_moons_ago
    Posts: 338Member
    cr8zy_mom_of_4 said:

    , dh thinks that i'm trying to find another man. i'm just trying to better myself for my kids. he's always making remarks about me and someone else. i don't get it. lol i just let it roll off my back. that i can handle, it's the being gone all the time that i can't.



    Sounds like the blame game. Could be saying that to you to make you feel guilty to cover his own guilty ass. Ask him why he thinks you would be looking to find another man. Or next time he makes a remark about you looking for another man ask him if he has something he needs to tell you.
  • Peace
    Posts: 2,253Member
    Oh, I'm sorry you're dealing with this right after having your baby... >:D<

    I agree with the ladies.

    Any chance you can be putting some money aside?
    And the savings for a house, is that in both your names?
    You & dh have 2 children, and 2 are his from a previous relationship?

    I'm so happy you only have 5 classes left!! That's awesome!
    And your mil...well, she's the best. She obviously loves you & her grandchildren.
    You sound like you would be ok if he walks.
    Whatever you two decide, we're here for you.

    I do wish you would stop knocking yourself out for him when he graces you & his kids with his presence. He obviously doesn't appreciate it. He expects it from you.
    What do you expect from him? Does he ever think about that?

    Good luck...


  • Peace
    Posts: 2,253Member
    One more thing...I want you to be prepared when you talk to him.

    It seems as if he's completely disengaged from his family.
    There's every chance that when you talk he'll use this as his reason to walk.
    He's already blaming you for his not being around.
    He comes home, expects to be served, you make a comment, you're a bitch.
    He's setting you up to be the one that's at fault for his leaving.
    Emotionally he's already left.

    The ball is in your court. Just think this through, get yourself in the best position financially,
    & be prepared if that happens.
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 2,267Member
    I can't add to all the great insight you've already received here, take good care of YOU a midst this mess.  Hugs hun.
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member

    thanks y'all!!! i appreciate all the help and insight and advice. we had a "come to Jesus" talk last night when he got home from work (900) and i just let him know how i felt and he let me know how he felt and we pretty much got everything worked out within an hour of straight talking. it was nice to be able to vent without screaming or crying, just talking. he didn't put me down or anything and i was very proud of him in the way he handled it. he did dishes last night and put the baby down for the night. the talk was very productive.

    as far as the suspicions i have, i think i'll figure that out on my own. he seems to talk about this one girl that he knows a bit too much for my liking. so maybe i'll go have a little talk with her? i know her also, but he knew her many years before he ever met me....what do y'all think about that? should i go and have a little talk with her? or just wait it out?

  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,632Member
    I say ask him about her first, then decide if you think his answer is bullshit or not, and go from there. If you jump right into a conversation with the girl and there's nothing actually going on, you're going to look like the crazy wife. Not that that's always a bad thing.
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    Thanks @fatchickonabike for all your advice yesterday. it really helped. i'll talk to him about her when he gets home tonight. this morning went really well for us. he gets up at 5 for work, im usually up at 4 bc that's when the baby likes to get up. lol he helped me with his lunch and his clothes. today started off really good!! :D
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,632Member
    I really hope he continues with this turnaround and things work out for you guys.
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • cr8zy_mom_of_4cr8zy_mom_of_4
    Posts: 49Member
    me too. let's hope it lasts!! that's the first time he's done dishes in months. i was so relieved, bc there was a lot of them. the baby was screaming all day yesterday. and my ds#3 who's 3yo was a damn heathen yesterday. all i wanted to do is get in the tub and relax with a glass of wine. didn't happen the way i wanted it to, but it was pretty good. lol
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 7,712Member
    I don't wish stress or depression on anyone, but I hope that's been the issue with him. I agree that you shouldn't try to kill yourself doing everything. I think there is a lot to be said about direct (respectful) communication. "You're gone a lot. I'm worried about you. I'm worried about *us*. I'm lonely. I need you here more, not just to *do stuff*, but for emotional support. I miss you."

    If people can't communicate as a couple, I think couple's counseling is helpful. If a couple can't communicate and can't agree to seek help to communicate, I don't know how they can forge ahead. 

    I wish you all the best.
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