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"Best Of" Scary Mommy Confessions [5-07-12]
  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,791Member

    Every week Jill and I pick out Best Of's from the confessional. Go and confess your juiciest secrets and you may see your confession here next week!


    176376   Sometimes when my DH is snoring so loud that I can't sleep, I imagine pushing him of the edge of the bed. I don't do it though because the noise of his fat ass hitting the floor would probably wake up the kids.



    176584   My 5 yr ds calls pimples, nipples. he asked me why I had nipples on my chin really loud at the store just wanted to die



    176490   I picked up my coffee cup and noticed a fly in it. Fished it out, shrugged my shoulders, and drank it anyway. That's Tassimo and that shit is expensive! Besides... I wasn't done.



    176158   When my teething baby woke up for the 7000th time this morning, I unhooked the baby monitor and threw it at my sleeping husbands face, Luckily it land on the covers... no harm done, I glad i didn't break the monitor.



    176547    I've eaten a 24 count box of popsicles today by myself. DH told me to lay off the popsicles. What kind of moron tells his pregnant wife something like that? Popsicles are all I'm craving! Mess w/ my popsicles I will kill u!



    176318   60% of the reason I am super excited about our new house is because there is a bunch of storage in the basement so I can start prepping for the "zombie appocolypse".



    176356   Eating Screamin' Dill Pickle Pringles against my shut door watching a movie while my twins laugh and contrive ways of how to get in or as they say," Poke Momma's butt under the door!" And no fucks were given on this day.



    176262   No it does not turn me on when you pull your underwear from one side to the other exposing yourself and flopping it around won't work either. You want me turned on, come play with me, not yourself!



    76537 3 males in this house and they are all farting to beat hell today! My eyes are watering, my nose hairs singed and the wall paint is reliquifying. The dog's pain meds are not what is keeping her unconscious.



    176286   was watching rough porn. hot stuff, but all I kept thinking was, "gee that's a nice bed. wonder where they got that from. I like the bedding. Needs a good accent color tho." OMG, too much pinterest/HGTV!!!!

  • OpheliaOphelia
    Posts: 3,338Member
    =))
    Nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile.. -Grateful Dead<3
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,757Member
    176262...not me, but def could have been. DH thinks shaking his dick at me is finally gonna do it for me eventually if he's persistent enough. Frankly, it makes me laugh when it's not hard...but I would never laugh out loud.

    ETA: It amuses me to see him shake it in a totally inappropriate situation, i.e., when the kids have their backs to him and he's just getting out of the shower, not in the heat of the moment.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,700Confessional Manager
    If my husband shook his penis at me. OMG. I don't even know what I would say, but he would definitely not be getting any from me for while. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • vintkey78vintkey78
    Posts: 324Member
    My DH does that too. For the life of me I can't figure out why he thinks it sexy. I looks like a dead fish flopping around. :))
  • crazymama2twocrazymama2two
    Posts: 843Member
    OMG i thought i was the only one who had an asshat who did that...and @mumtheword mine does that TOOOOO!! its fucking annoying and i tell him and he still doesnt stop doing it...asshat.
  • Luvlyssa
    Posts: 2,962Member
    Those guys flopping their junk around are the same ones who walk by and grab your boob and act like we should be all hot and ready .... no thanks. I have a couple ex's who'd do that... ugh I'm sorry. Penis' are still boy toys until the day they die I think.
    Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    176286 :)) Not me, but so could have been. I feel so old!
    Get me a damn beer.
  • MyInnerGoddessMyInnerGoddess
    Posts: 1,558Member
    Ewww....my yuck made the list.  Psychosomatic shit is back...
    "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them."
    ~ George Bernard Shaw~
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 1,481Member
    176490 could be me but it is not. I will fish out anything from my coffee and drink it. Too tasty to waste.
    @vintkey78 you kill me...dead fish...hahahaha
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    @kmetz... Are you the zombie apocalypse person!? X
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • GirlsOnly
    Posts: 142Member
    Love the zombie apocalypse one! I've got a spot in my attic that would be perfect for a siege. Now to stock up on water, ammo, knives and non-perishables ...
  • BookMum
    Posts: 717Member
    Im cracking up. Why do husbands do that? Mine is a federal agent and every once in a while he will put on his gun belt (just his gun belt) and do a hula...just to get a shocked reaction out of me (it works!). These are the men protecting our nation ladies...I often call them over-grown 12 year olds running around playing cops and robbers with real guns, government vehicles and nice salaries.
    Clowns...
    I shall futterwacken...vigorously*
  • pdxmama
    Posts: 1,470Member
    I think every man is a dick shaker at some point in time, and for the life of me i can not figure out why they think that swinging that thing around like a lasso is going to magically make our panties drop! I mean, don't get me wrong the penis does serve a function, but it's not exactly pretty. Especially when it's soft.
  • GirlsOnly
    Posts: 142Member
    Maybe it's the male version of a female stripper helo-ing her tassled pasties...

  • BookMum
    Posts: 717Member

    "the helicopter" is when they whirl it in a circle and "cutting the cake" is when they flap it up and down...lol.  It was in a comedy, but i forget which one.

    I shall futterwacken...vigorously*
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    I made it! Whoo!!
    deus ex machina
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 1,849Member
    RE: zombie apocalypse My apologies if it's already been done!

    http://nowaygirl.com/photos/good-reason-to-get-a-boat/attachment/ghf76iu/
  • mountainprincess
    Posts: 134Member
    @bookmom, my husband isn't a federal agent, but he works on missile defense and we hang out with some of his coworkers and all I can think is "these are the people in charge of part of national defense? God help us all!"
  • BookMum
    Posts: 717Member
    @mountainprincess - Dude i KNOW...its scary being behind the scenes with them.  But its also very hot the way they can put on their game faces at the drop of a hat
    I shall futterwacken...vigorously*
  • HaileysMomHaileysMom
    Posts: 443Member
    My dh makes his penis move up and down when it's hard. I call it "wagging his tail". Lol
  • AnonUser29
    Posts: 1,169Guest
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgQyYe5-DBw
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,401Member
    I am happy to say that for almost 30 years I never have subjected my DW to any wagging.  From a guy, let me just say, "EEEWWW!!!"
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