*sigh* I saw him last night and he was being all funny and sexy and cute. He does this to me every time. Just when I think I've had enough of being jerked around and putting up with his hot and cold moods he starts being nice again. I don't want to keep waiting around for something that is never going to happen. I want a real relationship.

But then I think about how much of a hassle dating is and about not having sex for months and how no man will want me because I'm nearly 30 and a single mother. And most men are jerks anyway, and even the good ones end up being annoying. So why go through all the pain of finding someone just to end up right back in the same spot. Maybe it's easier to just stick with what I know even though it's far from perfect and there's no future and I'm wasting my time.

We had our 'one for the road' the other night and I was happy with that - one last nice memory before calling it quits. I was surprise when he invited me over last night. I stayed over but but I didn't cave in and have sex with him. I wanted to and he was really horny but I didn't. I felt like a bitch for turning him down when he was being nice and I'm not going to see him for ages. But I know if I'd done it I probably would have felt used and beat myself up for being weak. I'm so over this shit. I just want to be happy. I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do.