Emotional Affair VS. Friendship
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 195Member
    Hi all! There is really no juicy story here in the background (sorry to disappoint!!), it's just something I have been thInkIng about. My dh and I both have opposite sex friends, but I think we are both careful to consider the other's feelings. I know the term "emotional affair" gets tossed around a lot these days. Maybe I am naive, but I am having a really hard time figurin out where a "friend" stops and an "emotional affair begins". Some people say there is no thing called an emotional affair...that you are friends until you have a physical affair, and then you are just a cheater.then, on the opposite side of the spectrum....I have heard ladies who say that their dh's will not allow them to have any friends of the opposite sex, EVEN ON FACEBOOK! That's just controlling behavior and honestly plain silly to me (but to each his own!). Then some people say it is whatever you feel like you need to hide from your spouse. Or whatever makes your spouse uncomfortable...but what if you married a nice guy and ten years later he has turned into an asshole who won't let you even fb who you want? Like I said, there is no dirt here, I truly just wanted to see how others. Jew this issue.
    For the record...right now I feel like I am leaning on the whatever you feel like you need to hide from your spouse....but lie I said earlier...what if they are just a controlling super freak? Does that make having a friend wrong?
    And what about different levels? Is it ok to email? To text? To meet for lunch? Go to the movies? Dinner? Drinks? A weekend trip?
    I am REALLY interested in hearing what you ladies have to say on this topic....thanks for reading this! It seems so long, sorry!!!
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 3,934Member
    Any guy friends that I have on my Facebook are friends from highschool or mutual friends with my husband. I think for me the difference would be if I were getting an emotional need met from another man instead of my husband, that's where the emotional affair stuff starts, in my opinion. I wouldn't text or email (much less the other date like things on the list) any other men, simply because I have no reason to. If I did, it would be stuff I'd be willing to type/text with my husband sitting next to me reading.
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 3,934Member
    Oh, to address the 'what if he turned into a jerk controlling spouse" part..well I think the same applies..I wouldn't stay married to a person like that. Lying, hiding, etc could not be part of my marriage.
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 195Member
    coil. @tothemoonandback--thanks so much for answering me today! I am having a hard time separating the two. Iabelieve that if a young child and who had some terrible experienca ejñtnhrzwe
  • MRSC3761
    Posts: 2Member
    I have had an emotional affair with one of DH single friends. It started as a simple friendship. We began texting, emailing, & even met up to watch a movie. Nothing ever got physical but once DH family started asking if I was having an affair my friend decided to back off - I was hurt. He had become my best friend. Now, looking back I can see how wrong I was. If you find yourself spending more time talking to your opposite sex friend there should be some changes. If you can't imagine your friend not being in your daily life - things should change. I am still friends with DH friend, but he has since married someone and now things are just awkward when we are around each other. We no longer text, or email; matter of fact, we rarely talk at all.  I firmly believe you should always be cautious of your partner having friendships with single opposite sex people. It can be an honest friendship but it can just as easily become dangerously close to a real affair.
  • soothethemusesoothethemuse
    Posts: 9Member
    I think I will likely be the minority... that's ok as I often am.

    Do you enjoy your friendship? Do you feel the insights you gain as a member of that friendship benefit you as a person? Does it benefit the other person?

    If he becomes your best friend and that's all it is, then so be it. If you're looking to someone else to fill the emotional void in your current relationship, then it's an emotional affair.

    And other than those clear cut definitions, it's a tenuous situation. It depends on what you're willing to endure. Personally, my best friend is my best friend. Male, Female, Transgender... I don't give a shit.

    Once you start trying to fill an emotional void that your spouse/SO doesn't fill... then either you need to work on it with them, or move on and be your true self.
  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member

    I don't like the term 'emotional affair' but that doesn't mean I don't think a relationship between a man and a women has to be physical to be inappropriate. But if you're lying to your partner or hiding your behaviour from them then that's not ok. Wether it's because you're doing something wrong or because you're partner is a controling jerk it's still an issue - a sign that something is wrong with your relationship.

    I think wether it's cheating in the truest sense, going to a strip club or an emotional affair it all comes down to the 'rules' you agree on as a couple. Ideally if you're in a long term relationship you would be on the same wave lenght as each other about this stuff but sadly that doesn't always happen. And couples often run into problems because they assume that their partner will feel a certain way about something without actually discussing it. If in doubt you have to ask yourself if a reasonable person would be hurt or offended by your actions and then go from there.

    Personally I know my views on monogamy may be different to others so I like to talk about these sorts of things openly and know where I stand before getting really serious about someone. For example I don't have a problem with harmless flirting or going to strip clubs but I would have a serious issue with my partner having lunch with an ex girl friend, collegue etc behind my back. It's not the physical nature of their relationship or even jealousy that's the issue - it's the lying that's most hurtful. 

     Not long after I started dating my ex husband I told him straight out that I wasn't the kind of girl to keep a guy on a short leash but anything he could do, I could do to.

  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    I thought a friend was a friend but an emotional affair was heavy flirting, talking about how much you like each other, what u want to do to each other sexually etc, but just never following through..
  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,445Member
    I think an emotional affair is when you start replacing your SO with the other person. You share your feelings with them, accomplishments, etc. before or instead of sharing with your SO.
    The only thing saving you from me is Jesus.
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    I would say that an emotional affair begins to take place when you start confiding things to your friend that normally you would share only with your SO.  Your friend begins providing you with the emotional sustenance that one would normally receive from SO.  Your friend might give you some long hugs (not necessarily romantic) and you find that you don't want them to stop.
  • Twins911Twins911
    Posts: 216Member
    I truly think that at this point in my life, having gone through so much ups and downs emotionally, they are both as betraying. I was involved in an affair with a married man, long long ago, and in another instance also involved emotionally with someone other than my SO. My DH has also been through those circumstances so, I really think that it's OUT of our system at this point.(I know it sounds cliche) By no means are we immune to these temptations, but we have spoken about it and something like that would definitely be unforgivable on my behalf. Whether it be an emotional affair or physical.  

    The thin line between friendship and the emotional affair, would be when you start feeling the need to see or feel excitement (butterflies) as you get that text, email or call from that person thats when things could get out of hand. Thats just my opinion.  
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    I'd have to agree with the line of thought that if you wouldn't do/say it in front of SO, then you shouldn't be doing it. Doesn't really matter what it is, because every relationship has different dynamics. My DH would be pissed if I was talking to ANY other man that he didn't know about in a non-professional setting, and I would feel the same. We've been through this a few times. Emotional affair is a phrase that's thrown around pretty loosely, and I really don't like it. Sometimes you need to say things about your SO that would hurt their feelings unnecessarily, so it helps to get it off your chest to someone else, whether male or female. But IMHO, you can feel it in your gut when the relationship is starting to cross a line. It's what you do about it that counts.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • battibatti
    Posts: 2,167Member
    A lot of you hit the nail on the head.
    The excited, butterfly-tummy thing is definitely a sign that a line is being crossed.
    Some of you know some of my story already. I was going through ppd and sought attention outside my marriage.
    My emotional friend was online and texting and occasional phone calls, but never in person. we lived in different states, but talked about meeting, being together, having children together..
    My DH found out and flipped. And while I take responsibility and still feel like a douche over it, he also understands his faults that in a way lead to this incident.
    We spent a couple of (half HORRIBLE, half amazing) days alone together out of town, just talking and re-bonding and ever since, things have been more amazing than they were when we started dating. :)

    To address specifically the topic, what the other guy provided for me was basically acceptance for my faults, love for my weirdness, shared many things in common. I got the butterflies when he texted me, we texted all throughout the day and night, I felt like I had 'withdrawals' when too much time passed between messages. He said exactly what I needed to hear in the darkest time of my life.
    I'm glad its over, hiding was killing me, but at the same time, I think it was beneficial for my personal growth and even made our marriage stronger.

    SMSM_s_5

  • MalmqukMalmquk
    Posts: 634Member
    I think anything that you wouldn't want your significant other to see would constitute an emotional affair.
  • FreeToBeMee
    Posts: 660Member
    Nothing I could say new here that hasnt already been said OP.
    My only addition - mostly for laugh factor - is, do you know how hard it is to walk this line in homo world ? It would SEEM that the line would be drawn between lesbian friends and straight friends. Not so simple. 2 martinis or a few tequila shots can blur that line REALLY fast. 
    Damn you problematic straight girls !!
    :\">
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 195Member
    Thanks for responding everyone! I have no idea what my second post is! Looks like dd3 got to the computer....who knows! I don't mean to argue here, I am sincerely enjoying hearing all of your responses! @tothemoonandback I hear what you are saying..but don't all of our friends fulfill an emotional need in us?
    @mrsc3761 don't feel like you need to answer if this is too personal....were you feeling romantic feelings towards your dh's friend? Is it those feelings that made your relationship wrong? If you had not felt those feelings, would you still have felt the relationship was wrong? I guess I am asking the difference between this relationship and your other friendships....
    @MS_jaq I think I can understand Your definition the most. Something you wouldn't want your partner to know about...
    @episcopal...The only problem I see with your idea is that women share and receive comfort with men and women. Does it necessarily have to be romantic? Can a hetero woman have an emotional affair with a woman? How is it different from a friendship?
    @twins911 but what about new friend love? Do you know what I am talking about? When you meet a new Friend and you can't get enough of them? You are ALWAYS excited to see them?
    @grits the last sentence of your post I totally agree with....that you just know in your gut when it is too much. But I have a question about an earlier idea. You said, "My DH would be pissed if I was talking to ANY other man that he didn't know about in a non-professional setting, and I would feel the same. " I am reading this literally, is that how you meant it? (Please forgive me if I am sounding obnoxious, but I am having a hard time with this concept, and I often have to ask a thousand questions in order to fully understand something. I AM NOT trying to argue, be judgey, or negate ANYONE's Point of view.) For example if you had a son who played baseball and it was the first game/practice of the year. You are meeting your dh at the game. You arrive a few minutes late and you find him chatting (harmlessly) with one of the other boy's moms. Would you be upset? Or am I being too literal? Either way, I am not judging, just trying to get a sense of how other people view this.
    @batti I am sorry you went through this! It sounds pretty rough, but also as if your marriage is in a better place now, so that's good! But let me ask you ask a question...if you and your friend had not spoken about running away together and whatnot, do you still think it would have been an inappropriate relationship?

    But thanks to all of you who answered. I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but I am sure I will figure it out soon!
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 195Member
    @freetobemee haha I never even thought about that! Agghhh!
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    @Jessiesmom, no I mean like if one of us found out the other was chatting on FB or had a "friend" that he or I didn't know about IRL. That would be ugly. Just casual chatting is one thing, but I meant talking in the sense that it was a semi-close relationship, more than just acquaintances. Sorry if I threw you LOL
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 3,934Member
    @jessiesmom, I suppose that's true.. but I meant more filling an emotional void that *should* be filled by my husband, and gravitating towards a male 'friend' to make up for whatever I was lacking in my marriage.  If that makes sense.  My DH is one of the LEAST jealous people in the universe, he'd never feel uncomfortable if I was chatting with another man, and sometimes he's pretty flattered when men try to flirt with me.  I am sure every spouse is different.  It's hard to really take any sort of 'stance' on this because I've simply not put myself in a situation to have a friendship with a male that would involve anything outside of my marriage (meaning, all my male friends that I communicate with are mutual friends, I'd only see them /talk to them when we were all out together or whatever).  I would never initiate contact with another man, I just have absolutely no desire to, and I have no desire to flirt with where that grey line is, wherever it is.
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 195Member
    @grits thank you! It's not you, it's me! I've gotten very literal in my old age haha! I just sincerely don't understand the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship. Thanks for answering my questions and trying to help me!!
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    Sure thing! That's what we're here for!
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 195Member
    @tothemoonandback now I understand what you are saying! I feel like a nudge, thanks for being so patient with me!!
  • Twins911Twins911
    Posts: 216Member
    @Jessiesmom I'm so glad that you don't know the difference because that would mean that you have the same feelings for all your friends and you might just be the kind of person that shares you feelings equally with your guy friends without it getting weird. 

    I understand about being excited to see a new friend because you just CLICK. I've worked with mostly men all my life and I've had really close relationships with them but in a sense of brother-sister deal. (I was a Police Officer) But there's a difference between being excited to hang out and being excited to the point you get flushed with feelings because you have this persons attention that you know could be a possibility of getting physical (the animal attraction) if even only in your mind. 

    I hope that I cleared that up.   Have a great one!
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 3,934Member
    lol you're not being a nudge, @jessiesmom, I think it's important stuff to think about!!
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    It sounds to me like you guys are confusing an emotional affair with a crush...
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 670Member
    episcopal said:

    I would say that an emotional affair begins to take place when you start confiding things to your friend that normally you would share only with your SO.  Your friend begins providing you with the emotional sustenance that one would normally receive from SO. 



    ^^^^^^  THIS!! ^^^^^^ 
    When the friendship moves to intimacy that is not physical, but you go to that person for your emotional support and the intimacy excludes your spouse. Hiding/not admitting/omitting information from your spouse is a big part of it. 

    Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 
    B
  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member

    @loveit - I agree there is a big difference between a crush or being attracted to someone who isn't your partner and an emotional affair. The biggest difference is that for there to be an inappropriate relationship the feelings need to be reciprocated. If you're fantasing over the cute guy at your office but he doesn't know you exist then that is a crush not an affair. And as long as it's just a harmless fantasy and doesn't go beyond that then there's no issue. On the other hand if you start stalking him on facebook then you need to take a look at your behaviour. Human beings are not robots and sometimes you can't stop yourself from being attracted to certain people, it's what you do with those feelings that's important.


     

  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    @Jessiesmom, someone could have an emotional affair with a person of either gender.  As I said in my earlier post, the concern has to do with when someone goes to someone other than SO for their emotional sustenance.  That other person could be a friend.  I would imagine that it could also occur with a colleague at work.  I could also see it happening with, say, a professor and a graduate student.
  • Sweetpea76
    Posts: 40Member
    I am in my second marriage and my husband and I have both been cheated on in the past. Our ex's both cheated w/ someone who was supposed to be "just a friend".  Because of that, my husband & I are both insecure when it comes to the other one having a friendship w/ someone of the opposite sex.  We both agree that neither one of us would go out alone w/ a friend of the opposite sex. (not that that's a big problem since we hardly have any)  And any emails, letters, texts, etc. are available to the other.  It works for us.
  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member

    Everyone has a different 'line' based on their previous experiences, beliefs etc.

    My ex was not the jealous type (he gave me a hall pass to hook up with women) but he was an incredily private person. I wasn't allowed to talk about our relationship on facebook or put photos of us up on there. He was also extremly uncomfortable with me talking to my girlfriends about our relationship because he said he was scare on them turning me against him. And he didn't want his family to find out that we met on a dating website, even though it was a totally respectable one.

    Everyone has baggage and insecurities the key to a successful relationship is being able to talk about that stuff with each other and where the problem can't be resolved, then you need to find solutions or compromises that you can both agree on. The person with the issue also needs to be willing to work on it by talking it through or seeing a therapist. It's ok to say I have an issue with xyz and I need you to be respectful of that. It' not ok for a partner to punish you for something an ex did and use it as an excuse to control you.

  • battibatti
    Posts: 2,167Member
    @jessiesmom (specifically I'm responding to my tag)
    That's a good question. I think that he'd have still been a bit jealous but if I didn't hide it or say anything I wouldn't want DH to hear/see, I don't think it would be a serious issue. But his stance on this is if a guy wants to be friends with a girl, its because he wants to sleep with her. Guys don't want to waste their time on someone who's not giving it up. Only acception is gay men.
    Sometimes he doesn't see gray areas...

    Ps thank you, it was really rough in so many ways but we are stronger now :)

    SMSM_s_5

  • jlmcare
    Posts: 3Member
    My Husband and I have been married for 9 years. I've made some bad choices (cheating). Well I got my head together, and figured out what I wanted....My husband and family. Its been 7mos since the shit hit the fan. My husband (who has mental illness btw) reminds me EVERY DAY of what i have done. He has started a friendship with someone he works with that is married and was cheated on by her husband. Now every night my husband talks about her. He says he needs a backup plan just in case we don't workout. He's had her over to play with him and the kids while i'll i was working a couple of times. He even had has the balls to bring her up during sex trying to make me jelous. Well it's working! WTF!!! I don't want to play these games anymore! I 'm tired of hearing her NAME! I'm so scared its turning into a emotional affair already. She txts him , goes out to have a cigerette with him and crys to him about her marriage problems. I want to sit down with her and find out the real story. I dont know what to do. I don't have any friends, if i tell my family it will just make family get togethers harder (my parents hate him enough already). WOW....that felt SOOOO good to finally get off my chest! Thanks for reading!
  • Roses
    Posts: 9Banned
    Im pretty sure the stones will start flying once I write this but whatever. 

    If you ask a man, any man he will tell you that men only befriend women they have feelings for or want to have sex with. 

    As far as women with male friends ... its a problem bc you're going to discuss your marriage & mate & then another man is in your intimate relationship & you're most likely transferring feelings from your spouse to this 'friend' & that is an emotional affair. 

    Friends of the opposite sex are not a good idea, IMO. Unless the dude is gay or the lady is a lesbian but even then people fall in love outside their sexual orientation all the time. 

    You need to protect the core relationship with your spouse. 


  • SaraSara
    Posts: 1,064Member
    @jlmcare, what a messed up situation. Have you sat down and told him, "I know I did wrong, we agreed to move on but what you are doing with your lady friend and constant daily digs is holding us back." If he can't get past it and accept your apology, maybe you should move on. It might be that your affair makes him feel like he has a "free pass" of sorts. He is not free to treat you with disrespect and believe me bringing up someone else in the middle of sex, its straight up disrespectful. Would it be possible to speak to the woman directly and explain that you are working on your marriage and that your husband is using her to dig at you? When you slipped up was it just sex or did you have an emotional affair? I feel that an emotional affair is scarier than just sex. I am certainly not judging, I have had many slip ups in my past and I am just going off experience.
    Think of your problems as challenges to overcome not obstacles to be avoided.
  • Live4PeaceLive4Peace
    Posts: 319Member
    crap I think I'm having an emotional affair with Scary Mommy!  I am sharing things I don't with DH and I'm hiding it....=-p
    I'm always misunderstood because the written word is the worst form of communication...you can't see me smiling =-)
  • jlmcare
    Posts: 3Member
    Sara my affairs were just sex. I was looking for a distraction and attention that i wasn't getting at home from my husband. I wanted to feel like more than a houskeeper and mommy. Believe me. i'm VERY regretful of my choices that have not only affected my husband but my family as a whole. On top of it all I get to be reminded of it EVERYDAY & NIGHT. husband usually keeps me up half the night with his panic attacks. I've had to have the police pick him up and bring him to the hospital because he was theatening sucide. Thankfully the kids were in school at the time and knew nothing of it. He went to 1 counsling session , then they schedule the 2nd one a month out. Until than i'm having to play counsler. Sorry, got a lil off base there. I talk to his girl "friend" that he works with. I havent said anything about my husband using her name and friendship as a dig to me. I did tell her I love my husband and we are trying to work on the marriage. I also said I rather i be here when she does comeover, that i would be much more comfortable with that. I understand the friendship is helping my husband vent, and that she went through something similar with her husband. So he can talk through the issues of infidelity with someone whos been there. I really hope the games stop. I'm so sick of the rollercoaster ride called my marriage. Motion sickness kicks in everyday.
  • Mommyof2boysMommyof2boys
    Posts: 2Member
    Hi, I am new to this site.  I want to tell you my story.  I am seeking advice, compassion and support. I have been married to my husband for 7 years, 8 this November.  We have two children, 5 and 4, both boys.  In 2009, while attending a band festival with my husband and my children, I ran into my ex, of a 2 month relationship 13 years ago, and he was with his girlfriend and her daughter.  He said that we should catch up on facebook.  I said that would be great and said good bye and then joined my husband and my children.  Within one week, my ex friended me on facebook and sent me a message asking me what I have been up since high school.  We sent a couple of messages back and forth. Before we dated, we used to be friends and hung with a group of friends.  There was never any sexual tension between us.  We were just buddies.  When we started dating, we went to the prom together and we had one sexual encounter in our brief relationship.  After we decided that we were meant to be "together," we broke up, but still remains friends.  After I graduated from high school, we lost touch until I ran into him at the band festival in 2009.  Our facebook conversations were here and there and we talked about where our lives had led us.  We also talked about the past, not only with us dating, but just the past in general and hanging with all of our close friends that we don't see anymore.  He didn't make a comment that he thought I would have been the one for me.  I told him that I thought that too, at the time, but that things do not work out for a reason and that we should leave it at that.  We talked about our relationships (and I told him that I was married), kids (he does not have any), work and college.  My husband and I had been going through a rough patch were all he wanted to do was play xbox and we went out on Friday nights for a little span and I was stuck at home by myself.  My husband and I still had sex, but we did not sleep in the same bed.  I slept in the bed and he either slept on the couch or on an air mattress in the living room.  He had a snoring problem, and usually if he did come up to bed, I ended up on the couch.  So, eventually, he just stopped coming up.  I asked him numerous times to come up and that it didn't matter if I ended up on the couch, it mattered that I fell asleep next to him.  There was never any affection displayed. We never kissed each other, or hugged each other.  Even though I felt alone, I never stopped loving him.  He is the love of my life and I can't imagine where I would be without him.  So, anyway, one day when I was particularly lonely, I jumped on facebook and my ex sent me a chat asking me how I was doing.  My biggest regret in my life is this moment.  I told him how I was feeling.  I told him that I felt so alone and that I felt my husband didn't love me anymore.  I told my ex that it felt like my husband was doing everything to avoid me.  My husband worked constantly.  My ex then told him that I deserved to be happy and that my husband should be treating me like a queen.  He called me beautiful and it made me feel good about myself.  We spoke on occasion after that.  Then he started texting me.  I never gave him my number, it was listed on my facebook page.  Instead of saying I don't want you to text me, I entertained his conversations.  I was never physically attracted to my ex and never pictured my life with him.  He sent me a text message and said that he usually drove through town and could pick me up if I wanted.  I knew that I didn't want anything from him, so I thought, okay, a ride home is not terrible.  He picked me up and he dropped me off at my children's day care center.  I said thank you and that was that.  I ended up getting another ride home from him and thinking we were going to do the same thing as last time, he pulled into his house claiming he had to get something.  He asked me if I wanted to come in.  I noticed another car in the driveway, and I had been there in the past on numerous occasions, and I thought I could stop in and say hello to his mom and then leave and go pick up my children.  I knew as soon as I walked into the house, that I needed to get out.  I felt a panic come over me.  He asked me if I wanted something to drink and I declined.  He said that he had to grab the thing he needed and left me in the living room.  I stood in the living room and felt very uncomfortable.  I never took my coat off to get "comfortable." After standing there for about a minute or two, I sat on the edge of a couch with my coat on and my purse in my lap.  He came out from the back room and sat down next to me.  He started to talk about when we were younger and the easier days.  He then grabbed my chin and kissed me.  I did not kiss him back and pulled away and said that I couldn't do this...that I had my family and that I needed to leave right now.  He said okay and we left.  After that, he sent me numerous text messages and facebook messages trying to apologize and that he misread the situation.  I ignored him for a week or so and then I finally said that I accepted his apology and that I wasn't looking for someone else and that I was never going to leave my husband.  It didn't matter how "unhappy" I was I still loved my husband.  He said that he understood that he didn't want to ruin our friendship.  We had a few conversations that were limited in topic.  He then started to get weird.  More text messages and more facebook chatting.  I ignored him for several months because it was getting too intense for just friends.  I had a breast reduction surgery done in October, 2011, and my husband was not amenable to me getting it done.  I had giant breasts and they were giving me problems.  My husband asked me to keep my breasts the way they were to  give him a few more years with them. I scheduled my surgery and posted a comment on facebook that I was getting surgery and that I was really excited.  My ex sent me a facebook chat saying that he was glad that I was doing something for myself.  I told him that my husband was not happy that I was doing it and my ex called my husband a selfish pig.  I did  not speak to my ex until March, 2012, when I had posted old highschool pictures on facebook.  I had one picture that had eight friends, including my ex, in it from a homecoming dance.  One of the friends in the picture set up a "mini" reunion of the eight of us. We all met up at a bar.  I drove with my girlfriend and she was going to get me home after.  I avoided speaking to my ex directly.  I never separated myself from the group to speak with him.  They guys kept giving us girls more to drink and eventually my ride was too drunk to drive home.  I drove home with my girlfriend and the two guys, one being my ex, who was driving.  He drove me to my house and the whole group came back to my house.  I told my ex that I did not think it was appropriate that he come into my  home.  He agreed.  When we got to my house, he started to get out of the car and I again said that I didn't think he should come in. He said that he still wanted to hang out with all of the friends, but that I was probably right.  He eventually came into the house.  I felt very uncomfortable.  I felt him looking at me and my husband interact.  My husband found our facebook chats at the end of April, 2012.  Since then, I have deleted my facebook page, he is checking my phone everyday to see if I have any messages or phone calls. We went back on the phone bill and I proved to him that I didn't talk to him over the phone for the last 12 months.  I only talked to my ex a few times for a couple of minutes in the very beginning.  My husband and I went to counseling twice and he feels betrayed.  I feel terrible  that I made him feel this way.  It kills me everyday to see him in pain.  We are working on our marriage.  When me and my ex texted during the day, I never was waiting for his texts....I never got butterflies...and  when he didn't send me a text, I wasn't hurting.  It didn't bother me if I heard from him or not.  As I said in the beginning, I love my husband with all my heart and we have been through a tremendous amount of things.  We have survived many deaths in our family, including his father that he witnessed, him going into business for himself and his mother taking all his money and putting him in a very bad financial position, we have dealt with numerous miscarriages, an abortion and a molar pregnancy that lead me to getting chemotherapy.  I have to say, we have dealt with a lot of things and I am hoping that this can be one of them that can lead us to be a stronger couple.  We have been open about everything.  My husband told me that I was the only person in his life that he had completely trusted and now that is gone.  I will do whatever I can to make this marriage work.  Thank you for listening....
  • Quietmom
    Posts: 2,986Member
    Hm my best friend is a male @roses and I see clear lines between what is and isn't appropriate.. I mean, he's an attractive guy I suppose, but we've been friends since 2005, and it hasn't been an issue with dh. He is a mutual friend and one of dh's best friends as well (maybe that's the catch?). I feel like there is a clear moment between being "friends" then all the sudden having a crush and having true romantic vs platonic feelings for someone. I mean, sure I'm excited to see my buddy, we are close and talk about ups/downs/ins/outs, but I don't feel the romantic/I want to be with you/have kids with you etc etc feelings and intimacy that I have with dh. Well I guess there's intimacy since he was going to be present at son #2s birth (only reason he wasn't was bc it happened so quick!) and one of the leg holders.. How's THAT for intimate lmao?! But you know what I mean. It's not the same, and I definitely feel like we all know where that line is and there's always that "moment." There never isn't that one moment where you have to choose to embrace or reject those feelings! I feel like a friendship between a man and a woman can work out, but it has to be the right people right time cliche as it might sound.
    Like a river and a waterfall, a strong person channels their own path...
  • WenslydaleWenslydale
    Posts: 6Member
    My rule of thumb:  If you find yourself consistently confiding in the other person first or telling them important/juicy news before you're telling the SO -- then you're treading in dangerous waters. 
  • lucie
    Posts: 2Member
    I deal with this on a daily....just biding my time. Seriously who cares I can just spend his money.
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    My best friend is male... & married...
    But, he's gay.
    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...